Two weeks ago, I was visiting my friend and her husband in another state where I'm planning to move next year. I asked her husband if he had a friend he could hook me up with for my trip. He told me he wanted to hook me up with his best friend, who happens to be married. His wife was just out of town for a couple weeks. I told him that wasn't going to work for me, and he insisted that I give him a chance. He called his friend and put me on the phone. I refused to talk but the next day, his friend showed up with him at the house and we hung out. After hanging out with his friend, we eventually had sex. I think that I allowed myself to do it since my friend had told me about him cheating on his wife in the past, and his wife creeping around too... so it wasn't like I was breaking up a happy marriage. I also think my reasons for going along with it is because I know not to get any feelings involved because of his situation and the distance.
It just so happens that it was the best sex I've ever had. So we hooked up the whole time I was there, even after his wife got back into town. When I would ask him about his wife, he told me about all the problems they had and how unhappy he is. He told me that I was free to call him at any hour, and his wife wouldn't have a problem with it. After I flew out of town, he called me and told me that he wanted to keep in contact with me, if I wanted to. I figured why not, since he makes me laugh and I am moving there eventually. He calls me at least once a day now, and even seems kind of mad or offended if I'm too busy to talk to him. I'm not by any means in love or even falling for him. I think I like the attention, the sex, and the lack of clinginess I feel for him (which is usually my downfall in relationships).
Even though I don't feel like we're "dating" or anything like that, this has been by far the most carefree relationship ever, and the great sex just tops it off. My friends have all given me mixed opinions, and I guess I was just wanting to hear from complete strangers for more imput. Should I quit talking to him altogether? Am I a horrible person?

I think you are treading on very dangerous grounds, for you emotionally (if not now, could be in time) and because you are dabbling between a marriage, whether they are happy or not - they are married. Sounds to me like you are a convenience item to this man and I think your friends are jerks for setting you up with someone that is married. I think you will regret this later on.. best of luck.

Bottom line. He is MARRIED, and you are having an adulterous affair with him! Of course he is going to tell you all of the bad things about his wife and marriage. Did you expect a glowing report? He has probably told your so called friend this same story also, and of course they are buddies, so he is going to side with him! This morally inept guy is making whatever excuses sound good in his head, to screw around!

You cannot have much respect for yourself for the same reasons, and I don't believe "friends" would have the nerve to fix the two of you up to begin with. Then you screw him the first day, knowing that he is a married man? Wow!

I suppose he has kids also?! I am going to assume for the sake of argument, that he does, and possibly with other women than his wife. Why don't you have any regard for the other people that this may involve, just because you are carefree and he makes you laugh. If I had sex with everyone that made me feel good and have a good giggle, I wouldn't have the strength to get out of bed, let alone hop into someone else's. He also sounds like a control freak, and has more issues than you know, if he gets mad when you can't talk because you're busy. Hmmm, maybe this could be the reasons he isn't getting along with his wife? Sign me up for this guy!

Leave this guy alone and buy yourself some toys! You can have a carefree relationship with one of those too... and they never get annoyed with you! Unless of course you might forget to change their batteries.

You are probably going to be angry with me, but I am just being honest with you, and speaking on behalf of his family. You asked the question, and I assume you wanted honesty.

Yes you are a horrible person, you should not have been with a married man. I will not even get into the idea of just "hooking" up for sex, if you wanted that, go hang out at a bar

Right now he makes you laugh. IF he has his buddies lying for him that he has a horrible marriage just so he can get another girl later I don't see you having much of a laugh.
IF you are really that interested in a married guy you need to tell him get in touch with you AFTER his divorce goes through NOT before.

It appears that you weren't looking for much, and you haven't gotten much, of value. My perspective is that, in relationships, there is the good and the bad; and when the 'bad' comes along (as surely as it will), the foundation of your relationship with this man is not on solid ground.

You are more emotionally involved than you think, it's going to get worse, and you should go to no contact. And stay away from married men from now on. No exceptions.

If he's calling you every day, you are going to miss that when it stops. At some level he knows that. But the first time you expect anything of him, he's going to pull away. Don't kid yourself.

And yes, you are doing a bad thing to his wife. But I think he's the one who is married and is ultimately responsible for his infidelity. He is a married man who went to a friend's house to have sex with a woman he knew nothing about. Stay away from people who act like that.

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so it wasn't like I was breaking up a happy marriage.

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First, whether to be an affair accomplice & to justify the crappy choice to help in a betrayal by the alleged quality of a marriage you know NOTHING about is absurd. You just know that the wife is married to a lying cheater & that his so called best "friend" is more than willing to pimp you out to her husband. I wouldn't be surprised if the friend that introduced you cheats too. Every marriage has times when it isn't as good as others that can get & do get better, cheating is guaranteed to make it a lot worse fast.

When you were told the guy was married, you should have stuck to your grounds in letting him know you were highly insulted that he would even offer that option to you, you have much more self esteem & integrity than that & have no use for a lying cheater no matter how crappy their marriage may or may not be.

Did you expect them to tell you what a great wife & awesome marriage he has-- then encourage you to juice up his sexual pump so he can go home & have good sex with her that lasts longer because he's had the edge off with you? You are nothing but a living breathing masturbatory toy / porn to him & he'd like that to continue when you move there.
Obviously he enjoyed that & wants it to keep that going but at what cost to you even if you care nothing about hurting his wife (& the kids he probably has)?

This may seem like nothing more than some nice "no strings" just fun sex now, but if you get dragged into a nasty divorce the fun will end real quick in a very unnice way for you. In a few places, the wife can even sue you or name you in the divorce itself, do you have the money to hire a lawyer to protect yourself then? Affairs often have ugly endings even without you being dragged into court & made to describe that fun sex in nitty gritty detail. There are plenty of guys to have hot sex with like that without the complication of a wife that could be good friends to you.

This guy is not worth any of your precious time, even if his wife is cool with his cheating. If she's that cool with their "bad" marriage, why weren't you invited to dinner so she could meet his new girlfriend? See, someone that would treat his marriage so disrespectfully isn't going to treat a screw buddy they have on the side much better either especially when push comes to shove, but they will put on a good act to get you hooked into their drama & trauma. You don't need that in your life.

And he's getting mad at you because you're not at his beck & call immediately when he doesn't have any real commitment to you, nor can he make one? And if he did, how good for YOU would that really be? Chances are you two will break up fairly quickly even if he dumps the wife (or gets dumped) & a lot of damage done to yourself esteem & life before it's all over & done. Before that, he will want to know your every move while he does as he pleases for as long as he can. He has no right to be angry at you for not returning his calls fast enough even if he was single, a 2 week fling doesn't grant those sorts of privileges for one & shows even more of his immaturity issues, two.

That translates into a lot of headaches for you if you choose to stay in his web as he gets even more clingy & that flattery you feel now becomes pure annoyance & anger he won't leave you alone or treat you right. Which he's incapable of doing, or he'd be working on having a good marriage & not be cheating instead).

Being involved in an affair isn't a good choice for you for a lot of reasons. Great sex is good but not when it costs more than you should have to pay & the price just keeps going up the longer any affair lasts. You shouldn't be flattered by that sort of attention & should make the effort to figure out why a lying cheater using you sexually was perceived as a compliment instead of seeing it for what it is, letting yourself be used & caught up in a drama / trauma you don't need & should steer clear of completely instead.

Getting caught in the fallout when he gets busted isn't going to be pleasant for you, his wife has every right to be angry at you even though she should be angrier at him. If your repuation where you move to is a homewrecker before you even pack to get there, lots of women won't want to be friends with you at all & the ones that do you really would be better off without most likely. They certainly won't want you even talking to their husbands & will not consider you to be trustworthy or capable of being a good friend. It could be a very lonely existence for you depending on how big the area is you are moving to.

So you can drag this out & enjoy the attention as well as the sexual energy, have some more hot sex & then what? If you don't want to be on the affair roller coaster from hell when it crashes & burns one way or another, get off the ride now & stay off it. Then do some deep soul searching as you started to do posting here & figure out what vulnerability in you exists that made that whole deal seem remotely like a good thing to do at the time & what you need to do in order to make much better choices so you can have a great life & great sex with someone devoted to YOU only.

Someone that doesn't feel they have the right to get mad at you when you are busy after only knowing you a couple of weeks, lives at a distance with a wife (whether he loves her or not) & has so little to offer you other than knowing how to screw in a way you like. Why would you want to set a pattern in a relationship where instead of him being understanding you have to work, get ready to move or whatever you are doing so you can't immediately pick up the phone & drop everything to talk, he already feels entitled to be angry with you or make any demands?

Especially when after only knowing you a couple of weeks, he should still be showing you his "best" side. If that is indeed his better side, do you really want to know what how bad his bad is, (cuz that will always show up sooner or later in any long term relationship)? Those anger / controlling traits could be easily become the stepping stones of emotional abuse you will not enjoy or have fun dealing with at all & the sex won't be nearly as good when that abusive personality of his is the one you get more of the time instead.

Could that be part of the reason his marriage is so "bad", because he's a crappy, controlling, abusive person by any chance? So you have a cheater with anger & controlling issues right off the bat, how do you figure it is a good thing for you to stay involved with a guy like that? Granted it's easy not to be clingy to a guy that's a jerk, but is that what you want for yourself, to be treated like that? To resolve one relationship issue (you being too clingy) by replacing that with crappy partners you don't want to cling to because they are crappy people treating you like crap?

You may not be a horrible person (don't know you or your history) & you probably aren't but you are doing a horrible thing no matter if that marriage is good or bad. You have no business interfering in their marriage, period. It has everything to do with the choices you make for yourself, the respect you both give & earn for yourself, the tolerance you have for making crappy choices that will only complicate & make your life worse, not better & letting crappy people into your life.

Being too "clingy" in a relationship could indicate a need to feel special & validated related to childhood or old relationship baggage being unmet, & an affair where you are the hidden sex toy certainly isn't going to help those & could make them substantially worse if the affair continues for any length of time. Right now you are enjoying not feeling the need to be clingy but the underlying reasons that has happened before are not being addressed, could pop up with this guy & even more emotional damage will be done to you when you start needing more than this guy can give you and/or he becomes even more abusive to you.

You have more than enough to deal with as it is with a big move & your own unaddressed emotional issues.

We all want / need to feel special to our partner & that we matter, your clinginess could also be a more of a problem for you than some because of the type of partner you were picking as much as the type of partner you were being with them. Were your previous partners emotionally unavailable or unavailable in other significant ways (always too busy for you, not good boyfriend material type and/or players for example?) from the get go by any chance?

Get out of the affair, get some good help to figure out how to deal with your own issues now so you can have a good relationship and/or real male friends you can enjoy yourself with in a good way instead. Otherwise you will keep self sabotaging in a variety of ways & the better life you do deserve as well as your perfect partner will keep eluding you.

There are many more valid & certainly more helpful ways to deal with your own relationship issues than messing with someone else's marriage which aren't that expensive such as books, online articles, therapy or life / relationship coaching. Deal with your own clingy issues in the proper way & you will be able to have a great relationship with someone that is commitment worthy.

I just posted a long list of great relationship sources in another thread, some of those may help you figure out what you do want / don't want in a relationship. I'd be glad to steer you to some other good books if you like.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Malasabe

Two weeks ago, I was visiting my friend and her husband in another state where I'm planning to move next year. I asked her husband if he had a friend he could hook me up with for my trip. He told me he wanted to hook me up with his best friend, who happens to be married. His wife was just out of town for a couple weeks. I told him that wasn't going to work for me, and he insisted that I give him a chance. He called his friend and put me on the phone. I refused to talk but the next day, his friend showed up with him at the house and we hung out. After hanging out with his friend, we eventually had sex. I think that I allowed myself to do it since my friend had told me about him cheating on his wife in the past, and his wife creeping around too... so it wasn't like I was breaking up a happy marriage. I also think my reasons for going along with it is because I know not to get any feelings involved because of his situation and the distance.
It just so happens that it was the best sex I've ever had. So we hooked up the whole time I was there, even after his wife got back into town. When I would ask him about his wife, he told me about all the problems they had and how unhappy he is. He told me that I was free to call him at any hour, and his wife wouldn't have a problem with it. After I flew out of town, he called me and told me that he wanted to keep in contact with me, if I wanted to. I figured why not, since he makes me laugh and I am moving there eventually. He calls me at least once a day now, and even seems kinda mad or offended if I'm too busy to talk to him. I'm not by any means in love or even falling for him. I think I like the attention, the sex, and the lack of clinginess i feel for him (which is usually my downfall in relationships).
Even though I dont feel like we're "dating" or anything like that, this has been by far the most carefree relationship ever, and the great sex just tops it off. My friends have all given me mixed opinions, and I guess I was just wanting to hear from complete strangers for more imput. Should I quit talking to him altogether? Am I a horrible person?

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ok...well..basicaly..you should just stop seeing him and tell him why, and ask him" do you love your wife?" and if he says no" then why dont you talk to her about it instead of cheatin gon her?" and if its a yes then say this" if you lov eher..then why are you doing this to her,do you really want to huurt her like this??" and basicaly make him think on what he is doing to his os called wife.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ShaydeN

ok...well..basicaly..you should just stop seeing him and tell him why, and ask him" do you love your wife?" and if he says no" then why dont you talk to her about it instead of cheatin gon her?" and if its a yes then say this" if you lov eher..then why are you doing this to her,do you really want to huurt her like this??" and basicaly make him think on what he is doing to his os called wife.

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I didn't understand any of that, and please stop writing in colors no one can read.

She should NOT ask him anything period. She should not answer his calls, she should not answer emails, and she should not answer texts, or anything else PERIOD! This man is married!

I agree all contact should be immediately cut off with him.

M, I just posted this on another thread but it applies to all of us. Being the right partner is as important as finding the right partner. Work on that part & the rest will fall in place better for you, as you learn more about what a great relationship is & isn't, what we can do in order to truly love & be loved to the best of our abilities. Take the time to step back from any relationship sexual or otherwise until you put some time into learning more about yourself & what you really need / want in your life.

I posted a lot of wonderful resources that you could check out on the "ready for marriage?" thread posted here:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marriage/ready-get-married-251408.html

BetrayalBtCamp,
What is the name of the thread? This url just takes me to the AMHD home page.
I'd like to read what you posted. Thanks.

I changed the url above but here is the list of some of the books but not all resources posted there:

The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (Gary Chapman)

The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships (Gary Chapman)

Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition (Harville Hendrix)

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (John Gottman)

Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America's Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship (John Gottman)

The Truth About Love: The Highs, the Lows, & How You Can Make It Last Forever (Dr. Patricia Love)

Amazon.com: Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships: David Schnarch: Books

Amazon.com: 7 Stages of Marriage: Laughter, Intimacy and Passion Today, Tomorrow, Forever: Rita M. DeMaria, Sari Harrar: Books

Amazon.com: The Marriage Benefit: The Surprising Rewards of Staying Together: Mark O'Connell: Books

The 10 Second Kiss (Ellen Kreidman)
__________________

Yes this is SO WRONG - all of it is WRONG. You know better. Shame on you. If he really is miserable then he should have left his wife by now - even before you came into the picture.

This book may be very useful to you, is highly recommended by other relationship coaches & although I haven't read it all yet, the excerpts are good:

Amazon.com: Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World: David Steele: Books

M, I can't post other good book suggestions for you right now, but I will come back & do that shortly.

Are you interested in finding a good life partner fairly soon, or want to date for an extended time?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by BetrayalBtCamp

Are you interested in finding a good life partner fairly soon, or want to date for an extended time?

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Thanks for the list!

I don't want to co-opt this thread, but if you are talking to me, good life partner, sooner than later, within 1-5 years.

Can I just say, that although I don't agree at all, as I've stated before, with what Malasabe has done, I would like to commend her for at least listening to the advice that has been given. It doesn't seem to me that she is one of the people here, that ask a question, and then get right PO'd at everyone who gives an answer she didn't want to hear. I think she deserves a thumbs up for that!

Just remember Malasabe, you reap what you sew, and I know that deep down you know that. I hope you have broken all ties with this man, and I hope you can work through your relationship issues.

Keep us updated, and I hope you find a good SINGLE man, and both on you can agree of a monogamous relationship.

(I hope you get one or two or three... of the books recommended above) ;)

I do give you credit too, M, for not just staying stuck in the affair trap the way you easily could have done & seeking advice the way you have, LOTS of credit which is why I took the time to write as extensively to you as I did.

Those are good books I listed above to help you start thinking about the sort of marriage you want & how to get / keep it, but as you can tell most are geared for couples. M, you get the chance to look for someone capable & willing of making a great union with you a priority. Some couples are already married when one starts asking what the point of being together is & then work from there hoping their partner is willing & capable of putting the needed effort into a great marriage. Sometimes, that isn't possible.

So you are already ahead of the game in that sense, you can start putting together what you want & don't want in a partner before making that life long commitment so you can get more of what you want / need from the get go.

Don't feel alone, M, lot's of people (if not most) have trust issues, just some worse than others at some point or another in our lives. It's a big deal. It creates a vulnerability when we choose or have to trust someone. If we feel we aren't being trusted, we feel hurt, disappointed or even angry. If we feel we can't trust someone we should, we feel hurt, disappointed or even angry.

So it's a foundational issue in any relationship on two main levels: how trustworthy a person is & how much we let ourselves trust them. We can't control how trustworthy someone else is, only ourself. We can choose how much we will trust them, based on our ability to trust & their ability to be trustworthy. The stronger the trust, the stronger the relationship will be, not just with our partners but anyone we interact with (children, coworkers, friends, family).

When the trust isn't there or even worse severely broken by the actions of someone we cared about, the damage is immediately severe & it can take a very long time to properly repair, if ever. So if the relationship continues, they are no longer someone we feel we can confide anything really important to safely or count on them to be there for us. We have to protect ourselves from people not worthy of our trust but we suffer is we don't trust when we can. Then we are hurting ourselves from limiting the depth of the relationship we can have with them (especially if the it's an old trust issue, not related at all to this person but they are paying the price for someone else's screw up) & erode the quality of what we do have with them, slowly but surely.

Then to complicate matters even more, someone may not be trustworthy at one point in time but may be later or vice-versa. So trusting in a lot of relationships isn't at all a line in cement but one drawn in sand & can shift due to the circumstances at different points in time. People change, sometimes for the better & sometimes for worse, so whether they can be trusted or not can vary as well. And then sometimes people are trustworthy in some ways but not others. For example, one may be completely trustworthy about money & won't keep a penny they found on a sidewalk, but be completely trustworthy with secrets because they like to gossip. So you could trust them with your credit card, but not anything you didn't want everyone they know to find out about. Very complex slippery thing, trust can be.

Here's some stuff to get you started:

Good articles:

Trust

Insecurity

Dr. Jackie Black - EzineArticles.com Expert Author

Free Worksheets:

Dr. Jackie Black's Ideal Match Coaching Club

ID: ideal PW: match

Here's some other book suggestions:

Amazon.com: The Courage To Trust: A Guide To Building Deep And Lasting Relationships: Cynthia L. Wall, Sue Patton Thoele: Books

Amazon.com: Meeting Your Match: Cracking the code to successful relationships: Jackie Black Ph.D.: Books

Amazon.com: Be Honest--You're Not That Into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve: Ian Kerner: Books

Amazon.com: How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving: David Richo: Books

How to be an Adult in Relationship Quotes:

"Here are the words of an adult: "Even though you please me sexually, even though we have been together so long, even though I don't know whether I will ever find someone else, I have to let you go because you do not meet me at my soul/adult level." "Here are the words of a codependent: "Because you please me sexually, because we have been together so long, because I don't know whether I will ever find someone else, I can't let you go-- even though you do not meet me at my soul/adult level."

"As adolescents, we were taught that the way to tell we are in love is by our loss of control, our loss of will, & a compelling sense that we could not have done otherwise. This falling in love contrasts with the reality of rising in love & conscious choice, sane fondness, intact boundaries, & ruthless clarity." Referring to the former, Richo adds, "...that kind of reaction is actually a signal from the needy child within, telling us what we need to work on, not directing us to our rescuer."

"Love can be confused with clinging that is welcomed by the other, sexual desire that is satisfied by the other, or neediness that is fulfilled by the other. Love can even be confused with dependence, surrender, conquest, submission, dominance, gratification, fascination, pain, or addiction. I may feel that I love you because you love me, or will not leave me, or will not let me feel lonely, or will not make me feel anything. I may feel I love you & say it with passion when I am mostly reacting to the way my own needs are being met through you. I may say "I love you" & simply mean, " I am attached to you & it feels good."

You had your fun, and now it's time to move on. Why not have a real relationship instead? Don't you deserve to be number #1 sometimes?