My boyfriend and I have been together since April 2008. We tried having sex together for our first time in the beginning of August. Neither of us were virgins, but it had been a long time since either of us had sex. He came within 10 seconds the first time we tried. After that we tried 3 or 4 more times and every time he came within 5 minutes. We tried again about a week later but this time he couldn't stay hard. He said it was because he thinks he can't satisfy me and it makes him go soft. We fought for a long time about this because I didn't really understand it. He never has trouble getting hard, it's just staying hard during sex. I was wondering if this is something all guys experience? I've never experienced this problem in the past.

It's all mental.

How old are you?

It is mental but it can change - takes some work, lots of time and patience usually - from both partners. A mature relationship can get through something like this. If he's feeling pressured or that he isn't performing up to your standards going soft isn't unusual at all.

There's a few problems here... and its not all that uncommon.

First, what feels best to him isn't what you need. A man often just needs the "in/out" thrusting sensations to get off. A woman often needs clitoral stim to get off. The two aren't necessarily connected, as the placement of the clitoris is away from the action.

So... what to do?

Well... he needs to focus on you and hold back mentally.

If I didn't give a damn about my partner I could hit orgasm fast and furious. When he first inserts the sensations are most intense. Its easy to hit orgasm quickly when you are just inside a woman and you are focused on yourself.

So... he needs to do a few things. He needs to restrain himself and train to hold back. Its not that hard to do, but he needs to do it.

Also, we need to understand if you've had an orgasm. Self stimulated? With another? Can you get off at all? It really does help to know, even though its personal.

Also, what does foreplay mean in your relationship? Do you have any real privacy? Can you mentally lose yourself in the moment?

I get that he is getting "his" fast... so that might skew the answers. We really need to understand can you reach orgasm and how?

I'm 19 and he is also 19. We talked about it tonight and he told me that he feels pressured because when he cums fast I always look disappointed, so now he feels like he can't satisfy me.

When we try to have sex there's always one of two problems. He either cums too fast or can't stay hard. We tried again tonight, and again he came within 5 minutes. He says he tries to hold it in but he can't because it feels too good, and that he needs time getting used to the feeling. I'm trying my best to be patient with him.

To kp2171, before my boyfriend and I had sex, he would do things to pleasure me. We spent 4 months doing things only to benefit me, such as fingering and oral sex. He's very capable of making me orgasm by doing these things. The times we have attempted to have sex we did a lot of foreplay. We spend about 30 minutes on foreplay. When we start having sex it feels amazing and both of us are really into it, and then it's over so fast because he either cums too fast or he can't stay hard.

I really wouldn't worry about it. Enjoy and explore and it'll get better. At 19 a lot of guys are built to "turn and fire"-its basic biology to keep the species alive (hint:hope you are on birth control) just get as close as you can to climaxing without intercourse-fingers, massage, oral and let him enter later when you are about there. If u cannot finish with him try to finish after him or show him what he has to do to get you there. Have fun. Be safe. And as I said, its mental-so he's not going to perform if you are not having fun and being into each other. Good luck. And good luck in school and career too. Sex is really nice when there the future looks nice too.

One other strategy: just go for it... let him finish as usual. And then ask him to go again in 15-20 minutes...
Again, its biology. He will need a bit more to get started (good for you) and even more on the next until he's had many hours to fully recharge. As long as you are enthusiastic he oughta be able to go but will often not be as "fast"...

I wouldn't suggest getting upset. I would definitely take it as a compliment. From what it seems like he is so sexually attracted to you that he orgasms too fast. Tell him to think of something else to keep his mind off it and see if that works. It seems like him not being able to hold an erection is the result of him constantly being too quick. Listen to him when he tells you that he fears that you may be disappointed. He is telling the truth. Sometimes for men it really is a performance and if they feel that they can not perform properly they can get discouraged.

Good luck

Sexual *intercourse* is a joint endeavor the purpose of which is mutual pleasure. :)

Each person has to bring a minimum of skills to the pleasure party in order for it to be enjoyable. Your boyfriend is not enjoying sex with you.

There is no reason why a man should have to provide stroking in the vagina for more than 3-5 minutes without ejaculating. More is being unreasonable and a potential pleasure kill for him.

A woman has to be prepared to orgasm relatively soon when the man inserts his penis!

Take care of getting very hot through foreplay so that stroking is pure pleasure and orgasm is going to happen soon. :):):)

If you have a problem with orgasm-ing when with a partner, then, you have to examine what is going on in your head about pleasure...


Good Luck going forward, :)

This is something you two can work on - I see no reason why it has to permanently stay 3-5 minutes long. I'm sorry, but occasionally sure - you may even find you prefer that now and then, however, not all of the time. As I stated earlier, you can both work on this. You need to try some methods such as slowing down - or maybe he needs to pull out and just kiss on you for awhile, and then reenter. There are even books on this at a good bookstore. Age does have something to do with it - but you two together, IN TIME, can make your sexual experiences last longer. He has to be willing to try too though, and you have to be willing to not let him see you are frustrated - be loving and caring, it's a very embarrassing thing to a man if they aren't performing to your standards sort a speak.

Thanks to everyone for replying, I was pretty worried about this. We tried again last night and again he lost his erection after like 5 minutes. It's frustrating but it helps that I understand it more now. I tried saying things to make him feel better so maybe he wouldn't doubt himself, but it didn't seem to work. I guess we'll keep trying for now.

You didn't say whether you're on birth control. If you are and not using condoms, that can hasten his orgasm. The reason men hate condoms is because it just doesn't feel as great. Ask him to try a condom or if he is already, have him try double condoms to reduce the sensitivity. There are also products that he can apply to help desensitize until he learns to hold out longer.

Yes I'm on birth control, and we don't use condoms when we have sex. I'll suggest using a condom to help him last longer. To be honest though, all this is kind of turning me off from even wanting to have sex with him anymore. I still love him but now when I think of sex I just think of how dissappointing it's going to be. I feel bad saying that but it's the truth:(.

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Originally Posted by Bonita--

Yes I'm on birth control, and we don't use condoms when we have sex. I'll suggest using a condom to help him last longer. To be honest though, all this is kind of turning me off from even wanting to have sex with him anymore. I still love him but now when I think of sex I just think of how dissappointing it's going to be. I feel bad saying that but it's the truth:(.

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If you love him then you can make it through this. You most certainly have to be willing to put in time and effort.

I'll agree... he needs to learn some self control tips like dividing his thoughts into you and some totally unrelated topic... if he can divert his focus less on what he's feeling and doing right then with you he can prolong his lasting power a very long time. It will take time to master but between that and pacing himself he could go as long as 4 hours. Mind you that's NOT going at it like a jackhammer. But slow steady and sensuous.

It can be done because I taught myself this trick 30 years ago.

Well we tried again last night and he was done in less than 5 minutes. We keep trying every night but maybe he needs more time. I'm trying my best to be patient with him. Thanks to everyone for the advice.

Did you try what I said? Plus #3?

1. try again shortly after the 1st time

2. find ways to nearly climax without intercourse -

3. wear a rubber

Ps - if he's going for five solid minutes it's not a ton of time, but many women can climax if turned on and mentally into the moment...

After he's finished, if he gets hard again he can't keep it. I tried doing things to keep it back up but it didn't work. One time he fingered me to the point where I was ready to orgasm, and when we had sex he couldn't last long enough to bring the orgasm, so after I was upset because I never finished. Since then we haven't tried that again. We haven't tried using a condom yet but we will and hopefully it helps.

A last suggestion... in addition to the condom to reduce sensitivity, you take to top position so you can drive where you feel pressure. Hold of on any other stimulation other than his feeling being inside you. If you sense he is losing the strength of his erection you might need to use peripheral sensations. Bite at his ear or neck, grab his wrists and push them into the bed, or reach behind and graze his "guys" with your fingers. Stimulation there with fingers can be incredibly intense, so save it for when he is losing his erection. The problem with this plan is it makes you think too much, keeps you from completely releasing and fully experiencing the sensations.

Honest truth... at this point id rather he get you off a few times orally or manually, and then focus on himself, with the intent of his holding back as long as possible. Trying to hold back.

Also, your taking a position that is less stimulating to him, and you self stimulating during intercourse with a wet finger might push you over the top. And if you are sensitive toward ear, neck, or breat stim ask him to hold back until later, and then tell him when you want those sensations.

Short term maybe you can get some "wins" with some work. Long term, the guy is going to need to find some balance.

The way to not ejac fast is to often place a mental barrier... lift yourself out of the moment... but then you need to be able to gradually lift it out of the way so you don't go soft. At this point it seems like he's all or nothing.

Hmm well we can try that next time also. At this point we tried so much and he's just not lasting. He always makes me orgasm in other ways when he can't by having sex, but it just isn't the same. I'll be seeing him in the morning though, so HOPEFULLY some of these suggestions work lol.

Um... was that five minutes going at it like a jack hammer? Or was that a slow and easy 5 minutes. HUGE difference here so its important to know.