Im nineteen years old and have been sexually active since I was seventeen. I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months now, but what really bothers me if that I can't, and never have been able, to orgasam during sex! Funny thing is I masturbate. I do fake having an orgasam to my boyfriend because I don't want to hurt his feelings.. but it does really get me down that Im leading him on that way. I just want to have an amazing sex life for the both of us. I don't know where to begin. He does get me in the mood and excited, but I just can't bring myself to have a climax! Does anybody think it may happen in time? Or is it something that some women will never be able to overcome?
I really do rely on your advice please help :( :confused:

First, faking it does nobody any good. I understand your desire to make him feel good... but he will NEVER learn unless you help him... and faking it is a very short sighted "solution"...

You need to understand that wanting an orgasm and being properly sensitized are not the same thing.

For example, my partner might desire sex, want my touch, want that climax... but there are many things that can block the process. The desire for sex and the want for orgasm alone are not enough to reach it.

I've stated over and over what helps my partner reach orgasm. She needs to be relaxed. Rested. She needs to be calm. She needs privacy. A hot bath or shower helps. A glass of champagne by the bath doesn't hurt. She needs a room that is warm, clean, and inviting, whether its in the bedroom or by the fireplace. She needs to be able to release mentally. Not think. She needs to stretch out, feel the air on her skin, feel my kisses over her body, and surrender to the moment. She needs to close her eyes, focus on every sensation, and believe she is going to have an orgasm soon.

I can do all the "right moves" and if she isn't in the moment, it might not happen. Sometimes I can "force" her into the moment by physical stimulation, but I can always tell the difference. When she is properly in the moment I feel like I have complete control. When she's not quite ready, I feel like I haven't a clue... as if I've never driven her over the top before.

So... what does this mean for you?

A few things.

You need to understand that desiring touch and being properly sensitized aren't the same things. Instead of kissing, necking, feeling you up... your lover needs to slowly sensitize your body.

If he traces your back with his fingers lightly, gives butterfly kisses down your neck, chest, abs, if he allows time for your body to adjust, to warm, to be ready, it will be better. The things a man desires often are too rushed, too hard, too much. By the time I enter my lover I want her grasping onto me, forcing me into her, not the reverse.

Intercourse is not the beginning of good sex, it's the final chapter.

Its OK if he rushes. Most guys do at first.

If you don't know what you need, you need to explore. Also understand that positions and stimulation can be very important. For ex, my lover never, ever gets of in missionary position, with the man on top. It pleases her, but she cannot get to orgasm. A previous lover always got to orgasm in this position, but only with self stimulation.

Stimulating yourself during intercourse can seem akward... but its one of the best techniques you can do. The clitoris doesn't always get the proper stim in some positions, and if you use a wet finger to drive yourself over the top, it can be a great thing. Please... don't let embarrassment be a reason to not self stim during sex. If my partner does this I never thing "im doing it wrong"... I think "she NEEDS and orgasm and its going to happen soon"... sexy as sin.

Likewise, woman on top is often a better position for a woman. You have more control over rhythm, pressure, angles... and from a guys perspective it's a great place to be.

So... time to explore some. You will NEVER get to orgasm by propagating lies... he will never get you there if you mislead him.

I mention this book here all the time... She Comes First, by Ian Kerner. You can find it on Amazon cheap. Its mostly about how to sensitize a woman and get her to orgasm mostly through oral sex. Its an easy read, an easy book to share, and one I think most people should at least browse through. Its not a sex bible. It isn't an icky book. But it can help you understand your body better and help him understand how to sensitize a woman better.

Please try not to fake orgasms. I've read a lot, talked to a lot of people, but the most important things I have learned have been from strong women who would not settle for less than good or great sex.

If it isn't working, you need to be strong enough to demand more for yourself. The needs of a woman, in my experience, can be very different from one woman to the next... so even if he's a willing lover, it doesn't mean he was born with instincts to get you off.

There are times, even with my lover, when things are off a little, that I think "what the hell am i doing? is she even enjoying this??"... it happens. Sex is about losing yourself in the moment. Your mind is your most important errogenous zone... so, time to educate yourself some and make sure you try to optimize your settings.

Its probably unfair that most guys could get off with a mate if the room was on fire. We are often just wired differently.

Hope you are having fun. Hope you demand more for yourself. It takes work, but empowering yourself sexually is worth the work,

I think if you take charge of your own sexuality, you will be able to have a satisfying sexual life with a partner. Right now, you are young and under some misconceptions.

A man doesn't give a woman an exciting and orgasmic sexual life!

A woman is fully sexual and enjoys her orgasmic bliss and the man she is with. :):):)

Get some quality reading material on how a woman can bring forth her passion and sexualilty... how she can overcome the negatives that are holding her back from physicality. That would be a good start.

Best wishes,

Quote:

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intercourse is not the beginning of good sex, it's the final chapter.

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Well, only if time is limited but even then enjoying some awesome afterglow together is the prefect finishing touch! But otherwise, again, I agree wholeheartedly with KP.

Women are designed biologically to not just have a main orgasm like most men do, but actually to be multi-orgasmic. So with some knowledge & the right kind of practice, you will be able to enjoy great sex regularly if you have a willing & patient partner.

Four stages of female sexual arousal

Most women don't experience the recovery period that men do after an orgasm, and she may have another orgasm if she is stimulated again.

Fewer than one in three women can orgasm from penetration alone. Foreplay is vital for orgasm to occur in most women, and can include stroking erogenous zones and stimulating the clitoris.
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It's great you're being proactive about this issue, you don't want to stay stuck in that rut or put too much pressure on yourself, that will just make things worse. And there are tons of great materials, books & DVD's that could help you (not porn but more sensual instructional ones). Learning what pleases you helps, he won't know as well as you do what feels great & what doesn't. He can only give a best guess based on your reaction.

Faking it gives him the wrong info & perpetuates a misconception that something has worked great for you when it hasn't. Would you like him to be faking his reactions to you?

Here is more good info for you, (just Google women orgasm to find more):

Female Orgasm

How to help your female partner have orgasms

How to help your female partner have orgasms

These days most women want orgasms. That wasn't always the case. Not much more than a generation ago, many adult females simply didn't have climaxes - and a lot of them weren't bothered about it.

Some doctors claimed that, for a huge proportion of women, it was 'normal' to have no experience of orgasm. Indeed, as late as the 1970s there were still some who maintained that the female orgasm didn't exist - and was simply a myth made up by the media.

All that has changed now. These days, medical opinion is that every woman should be able to have orgasms - if she wants to. Furthermore, the view of most sex experts is that the majority of women are capable of multiple orgasms - if they wish to have them. In general, the ability to have multiple orgasms is greater in more mature women.

Bringing women to a climax

For men perhaps the most important thing to realise about female climaxes is that with women, it's not a mechanical thing - as it generally is with men.

You see, most males will ejaculate quite quickly if they have their penises rubbed. This applies even if the circumstances aren't very romantic - or even if they don't particularly like the person who's doing the rubbing! Women are not like this. Female orgasm isn't a push-button response. The conditions have to be right.

Although females vary, many women need the following if they're going to reach a climax easily:

a romantic atmosphere

pleasant, comfortable surroundings

a partner who they really like

a feeling of being wanted and appreciated

a good flow of natural lubrication - so that the delicate female parts don't get sore

a skilled partner who knows how to stimulate the clitoris.

Unless you can provide the above, you are not going to have great success in giving your partner orgasms.

Please bear in mind that - contrary to what many men think - sexual intercourse by itself is not likely to produce an orgasm. This is because intercourse alone is not very good at stimulating the woman's clitoris. Nearly all females need additional stimulation of the clitoris by fingers or mouth.

What to do

In summary, here's what to do if you want to bring your partner to orgasm regularly:

don't be in a rush.

don't be too demanding - it's not an Olympic event.

talk to your partner, and ask her what she wants you to do to her.

always create a romantic atmosphere.

make sure that everything is comfortable and nice for her.

give her lots of kisses and cuddles before you even think about making any approach to her sexual area.

when you do start to stroke, rub or kiss her genitals, don't rush into 'attacking' her clitoris. Take things gently, and see what she wants.

use her own natural lubrication to moisten her clitoris. (If she is over 40, it may be a good idea to use some additional lubrication from a chemist or a sex shop).

remember that stimulation of the clitoris is the key to female orgasm.

sometimes encourage her to 'run' your sex sessions. You can learn a lot by watching how she stimulates herself or by really listening to her when she suggests a sex position, or a particular caress.

Further information

There is a companion article to this one on our site. It's for women who are anxious to learn how to achieve orgasm and is called: 'Are you having trouble reaching orgasm - a guide for women'.

Can't Orgasm? Here's Help for Women

Can't Orgasm? Here's Help for Women
WebMD's sexpert Louanne Cole Weston, PhD, reveals the two-part trick to having an orgasm.

About 10% of women have never had an orgasm -- either with a partner or during masturbation. And quite a few of them have found their way into my therapy practice. That's when I tell these women the good news: It is possible to learn to be orgasmic.

The first and most important lesson is to practice developing a balance of tension and relaxation during sexual activity. But, my women clients ask, how can they be both tense and relaxed at the same time? It's a good question, and here is my two-part answer:

How to Have an Orgasm Step 1: Tense Up
The type of tension that helps women reach orgasm is muscle tension (myotonia). Many women have the mistaken impression that they should relax and "just lie there" because they've heard that relaxation during sex is important. But it turns out that muscle tension is often necessary for an orgasm. In my experience, the majority of women learn to have their first orgasm by incorporating a fair amount of leg, abdominal, and buttock tension.

Not surprisingly, women report that the most orgasm-inducing muscle contractions are in their lower pelvis. These are the same muscles you squeeze to stop the flow of urine midstream (a conscious contraction of this group is called a Kegel exercise).

What is the connection between tensing muscle groups and having an orgasm? Arousal. Contracting (or tensing) certain muscles increases blood flow throughout the body and often to the genital area. And arousal, of course, is the road map that helps lead most women to orgasm.

How to Have an Orgasm Step 2: Wind Down
So, where's the relaxation part of this equation? In the brain. During sex, a woman should be focused simply on feeling the sensations of the stimulation.

Have a hard time relaxing? Think of a Times Square billboard in which words stream into view from the left-hand side to the right edge, and then disappear off the screen. During sex, many women find it helpful to program their own Times Square news crawl with a repetitive mantra such as "I can take as long as I want" or "This really feels great" on their mental silent radio. It keeps the brain occupied -- but with a thought that will encourage sexual arousal rather than with a nervous, negative thought that might decrease arousal.

After this first lesson, I send my clients away with a homework assignment. During sex, they are to tense up their muscles and let their minds go silent. This technique takes practice, but it can work over time. And more often than not, my clients return to a future session with their own good news to report.