Hi, me and my girlfriend have been together for about 9 months and she is still friends with her ex from about 7 years ago. The problem I have is she goes and stays with him every 2 or 4 months for about two weeks, and he lives about 200 mile away from where we live. I find this difficult to accept, as I suffer from trust issues and her being away from me only makes my mind do back flips. She has told me that she sleeps on his sofa bed but I'm concerned that she isn't, given that she took a silk dressing gown (she usually wears an ugly brown wool thing) and some of that special vaginal cream you girls use after a bit of ruff sex.

I was also promised I could visit her by her ex, yet when I asked to come he had changed his mind, on the basis that he didn't want any drama. I don't know whether he expected from me maybe he expected me to start a fight, whatever it was he changed his mind. I mean me start a fight, the chance of that happening is like Jesus pulling out an UZI and killing all his disciples.

I want to trust her but to visit someone so regularly and travel that far for only friendship seems unbelievable to me.

Am I being overly paranoid or is she sleeping with her ex?

I can't believe you would even begin to trust her like that.
Sounds like she is lying and you are so into her you are gullible and she knows it.
I would not say you are being paranoid.
I would say that you are letting her carry on two relationships

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Originally Posted by PoeticJusticeUK

Hi, me and my girlfriend have been together for about 9 months and she is still friends with her ex from about 7 years ago. The problem I have is she goes and stays with him every 2 or 4 months for about two weeks, and he lives about 200 mile away from where we live. I find this difficult to accept, as i suffer from trust issues and her being away from me only makes my mind do back flips. She has told me that she sleeps on his sofa bed but I'm concerned that she isn't, given that she took a silk dressing gown (she usually wears an ugly brown wool thing) and some of that special vaginal cream you girls use after a bit of ruff sex.

I was also promised i could visit her by her ex, yet when I asked to come he had changed his mind, on the basis that he didn't want any drama. I dont know whether he expected from me maybe he expected me to start a fight, whatever it was he changed his mind. I mean me start a fight, the chance of that happening is like Jesus pulling out an UZI and killing all his disciples.

I want to trust her but to visit someone so regularly and travel that far for only friendship seems unbelievable to me.

Am I being overly paranoid or is she sleeping with her ex?

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I think you should ask her can you go with her a few times.. if she says no then see if she will invite him over your home if she says no ask her is she still in love with her ex if she says no then ask her if she could stop visiting him because your getting concerned if she says no I think your relationship is over

What... the... hell?

... why's she staying with him for two weeks?

... and yeah, I'm sure nothing happens. I don't even know married couples that allow this sort of behavior...

If it makes you uncomfortable why are you putting up with it?? I wouldn't care if she was cheating or not, doesn't matter. What matters is if I go, or stay, and I go! I'm as laid back as any body, but when a red flag waves, I pay attention, and cut the drama and assumptions and speculations out period.

No, Not even if she only went once, but regularly? See Ya! Hate to be Ya!

Let me explain, a callous disregard for my feelings, and INTELLIGENCE, will not be tolerated!

It's a good thing that they are still friends. The real question is why they need to be together?

Because of the distance she is very clearly communicating the fact that he is important to her. It sounds like he broke up with her and she hasn't gotten over her feelings.
At the very least she is having an emotional affair.

Be sincere in your concern and don't accuse her of something you don't know is true. If you love her you'll want what's best for her. If she loves you she'll want what's best for you.

Love is not selfish.
Love is meant to be pursued whole heartedly.
Right now she is divided in two.

Have you ever heard of the saying "If it looks like a rat, smells like a rat, and sounds like a rat, it probably is a rat." Well, I think you get what I am hinting at. This girl is cheating on you and you know it, your just too naïve to accept it. The best advice I can give you is to go with your gut instinct. If you did not think she was cheating on you, you would not be here on this site. She has you all wrapped up like a puppet. Delete her number, change the locks and leave all her belongings on the curb.

I think whether you break up with her is a separate issue from whether you continue to condone these visits. I would say no more visits. I agree they are unacceptable.

But you don't really know if she's cheating and if you've been tacitly saying it was okay for her to go, it doesn't seem right to suddenly get all outraged based on other people's conjectures. If she insists on going--especially without you--I think then you have to think about whether the relationship can continue. I would ask her to choose you or her visits to this guy. But you aren't there yet. First tell her you can't accept the summer camp visits, that you've tried and you don't feel you should have to do that anymore. I'll be interested to see what she says.

How long are you going to be played the fool?

Ouch.. yeah... Night gown and vag crème? Bad news indeed.

She only took the sexy nitegown & cream to use as she thought about you alone on the couch.

Whether she's cheating or not, it's disrespectful to you & your relationship. They are deciding what terms your relationship with her has, & he's supposedly an "ex". That doesn't sound like a real ex to me & who needs that?

If you don't force a choice, she's shown you what she will keep doing.

Pick your poison, & drink it slow by putting up with a girlfriend who needs regular intimate extended visits with an "ex" whose way too present in your present relationship with her, or drink it quick making her decide if she wants to keep her deal with him going or yours alone & risk having her not at all. Those visits are contaminating what you could have with her & won't change until they stop or you either decide to share if losing her seems too painful.

This is either a joke or you're inexperienced. She's no good and this sounds like just insanity. Find something more about you.

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Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

what...the...hell?

...why's she staying with him for two weeks?

...and yeah, I'm sure nothing happens. I don't even know married couples that allow this sort of behavior...

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She's on work experience working in a shop, with him


Guess my lack of experience is shining through.

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Originally Posted by hellonasty

Ouch.. yeah... Night gown and vag creme? bad news indeed.

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That was my thought, she says she took the cream as I injured her three days before she went and gave her bacterial vaginosis. The thing is last time she visited, she also got injured the day before she left and given that usually I never injure her it seems hard to swallow.


The fact that she prior to meeting me she was the type of girl to do just friends with benefits relationships, and said at the time I don't do relationships. Yet once she realised I have certain sexual tastes :D well lets just say she doesn't like the idea of losing me.

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Originally Posted by BlakeCory

It’s a good thing that they are still friends. The real question is why they need to be together?

Because of the distance she is very clearly communicating the fact that he is important to her. It sounds like he broke up with her and she hasn’t gotten over her feelings.
At the very least she is having an emotional affair.

Be sincere in your concern and don’t accuse her of something you don’t know is true. If you love her you’ll want what’s best for her. If she loves you she’ll want what’s best for you.

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She told me they broke up due to sexual incompatibility, something about him always making her ill when they have sex.

You should take her word for it - that nothing's happening. But that's really weird - I mean, what does she have to stay there for, right?? I feel that maybe something COULD be happening between them, but you can't do anything about it until you have some actual proof. Good luck!

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Originally Posted by PoeticJusticeUK

That was my thought, she says she took the cream as I injured her three days before she went and gave her bacterial vaginosis. The thing is last time she visited, she also got injured the day before she left and given that usually i never injure her it seems hard to swallow. .

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The more you tell us, the more I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt on the actual cheating thing. It's easy for me to imagine her wanting take a nicer robe than she normally wears when visiting anyone, not just this friend. And if she's taking an antibiotic cream for vaginosis, that's not exactly "sex cream." Yuck! I think you should be thankful she's using it while away from you. But I still think you have a right to object to these long, lone visits to an ex boyfriend--even if they are just friends.

I'm a girl and all I no is I wouldn't even think about doing that to a man I love. Seeing an ex is wrong... even though it was 7 years ago and feelings are gone you never no.I wouldn't trust her. That's just weird.theres no reason to see an ex.. even as friends.SORRY!

Really it doesn't matter whether she is having an emotional affair, a physical affair (or combo) or no affair with her ex at all. What matters is whether that is an acceptable thing for your girlfriend to be doing. It's no different if she were a binge drinker & was good for several months then went on a week or two bender repeatedly.

She will either acknowledge it's a problem & stop or not. If not, you get to decide if you want to live with that or not.

Granted, your sexual tastes are apparently being satisfied with her so you hate to have the search process start all over again for someone that you match with so well, but if she wants to keep her ex in her life & you want the sex, making an agreement to be a no strings FWB deal sounds like a better one than the frustration & issues you are dealing with now. And from the pattern she has now, she'll be on your couch every couple of months for a couple of weeks anyway if you miss her company & wanted to let her just hang out the way he's doing, seems like.

I know this has already been stated but I think you should just tell her you're going with her next time she goes. Tell her you miss her when she's gone. If there's nothing going on with her ex then she shouldn't have a problem with it. Tell her that the two of you could stay in a hotel or something. See how she reacts.

I think it comes down to what YOU find acceptable, and if her actions are not, then you have a decision to make, either she stops the visits, or you leave.

If you accept what she is doing, then stop worrying about it. Either way its your choice.