Ok I have posted before and got great responses however I have a hard time following them, that is my problem. I really need to take advice at this point because I know what pushes guys away and I am on the brink of that and lucky I have not yet. I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months. I love him to death and things are going great. I unfortuntely am a very insecure/jealous person. I try to hide this but sometimes things build up and it all comes out.

I met my boyfriend online and one of the insecurities I have is when he is online. I get freaked out that he is going to meet someone else or wonder who he is talking to etc. In the last month I have mentioned all this to him. He laughed at me. Not in a mean way but kind of like a surprised are you serious way. Then there is the cell phone. He always has it turned upside down. So I mentioned this to him the other night and said I feel like you are hiding something. He laughed again like what?? He said every time his phone goes off I freak and say who is that? etc. and that I don't believe him when he tells me. Ok so he is correct. He says he is not hiding anything. Honestly he has not done anything to make me suspicious but I have been in every relationship because yes I was cheated on. Now I think of every possible way or senerio I can be cheated on and worry about it. It drives me insane and yes I'm sure it is beginning to drive him insane. I know I'm a great girlfriend with the exception of all my paranoid thoughts and I know that is enough to destroy a relationship.

I just don't know what to do or how to change. Anytime I'm not with him I think what is he doing, is he calling girls, etc? Crazy I know. Especially since I am almost 30 and should be more mature. Therapy is not an option at this time although I know I need it. I went for a few sessions and loved it but unfort. My health insurance does not cover enough! So does anyone have any advice?

THANK YOU!

Have you always been jealous and insecure? In every relationship? What's the underlying reason for it?

You are dragging baggage from relationship to relationship and yes it is harmful. It is especially harmful to you. Every time you question your boyfriend(who you have admittedly said has done nothing wrong to your knowledge) you give the last man more power over you. Don't do that! You are living your life for other people who are no longer even in your life anymore. Please believe that things done in the dark will soon come to the light. Enjoy your life as it is. If you are happy with this guy, then allow him to be happy with you. If something happens to disturb that, deal with it, move on, and leave it behind. It is not your fault that the others cheated, nor is it your current boyfriends fault. Stop taking it out on him or he may not cheat on you but he will definitely leave you.

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Originally Posted by inertia

Have you always been jealous and insecure? In every relationship? What's the underlying reason for it?

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Unfortunately I have been like this in every relationship. When I was younger I was a pretty shy , insecure person and now I am still somewhat insecure and I can't help but compare myself to everyone else. Plus the fact that I see so much cheating, etc everywhere in society and I always makes me worry.

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Therapy is not an option at this time although I know I need it. I went for a few sessions and loved it but unfort. My health insurance does not cover enough! So does anyone have any advice?

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Hi sweetie,
I can appreciate the dilemma your in. Professionals do cost money, but an older female you respect, or a pastor is usually qualified, to give one-on-one family, and persona,l counseling, and also you can research, and educate yourself to the root causes of insecurities. Changing the way you think, means being very aware of what it is your doing, and how that translates to the way you behave.

When you get those thoughts get up, and have a physical task to do to keep you busy. You also must plan activities, and tasks, that bring out the best in you, and give you confidence in yourself. The bottom line is to learn to love yourself and who you are, and knowing how to make yourself feel like a million bucks. The best course is to tell yourself everyday, you love who you see in the mirror, and will do what it takes, to make you happy. EVERYDAY. Focusing on you, and what you do, and less on the actions of others, will also give you a better perspective and not allow you to dwell on the small unimportant things, and make more of them than they are worth. It's a process, and takes time and work, being busy to help yourself, so do the work, and read, and talk, and get proactive about you, and your life.

It's understandable that you are feeling the way you are since you have a betrayal history. It's not healthy for you to start every relationship thinking it's inevitable & jumping the gun by being so suspicious all the time. It is healthy to know that cheating is an epidemic & deal with that constructively. Monitoring his every move isn't going to help & will harm you & the relationship no matter how loving he is. There are some things you can do without seeing a therapist that are low cost, there are plenty of great resources out there.

The first thing you could do is to work on yourself & those insecurities so you build up yourself esteem. There are many great books & workbooks to help with that & you might even be able to find a free or inexpensive support group near you. It sounds like you have not fully healed from the previous experiences of betrayal you have endured so dealing with that is a priority.

Learning more about healthy relationships & proper boundaries will also help you. I can give you a list of good resources to work with if you like.

As long as you focus on what you are afraid of, you are more likely to keep yourself stuck there seeing the glass half empty instead of being able to enjoy the full part. Even if your boyfriend doesn't cheat on you, you will be living in fear instead of love & strength which is exhausting & counterproductive to a happy satisfying life. Good for you for recognizing you need to address this! So keep being proactive & making the effort to being a better partner that is a habit that will serve you well over your lifetime. :)

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Hi sweetie,
I can appreciate the the dilemma your in. Professionals do cost money, but an older female you respect, or a pastor is usually qualified, to give one-on-one family, and persona,l counseling, and also you can research, and educate yourself to the root causes of insecurities. Changing the way you think, means being very aware of what it is your doing, and how that translates to the way you behave.

When you get those thoughts get up, and have a physical task to do to keep you busy. You also must plan activities, and tasks, that bring out the best in you, and give you confidence in yourself. The bottom line is to learn to love yourself and who you are, and knowing how to make yourself feel like a million bucks. The best course is to tell yourself everyday, you love who you see in the mirror, and will do what it takes, to make you happy. EVERYDAY. Focusing on you, and what you do, and less on the actions of others, will also give you a better perspective and not allow you to dwell on the small unimportant things, and make more of them than they are worth. Its a process, and takes time and work, being busy to help yourself, so do the work, and read, and talk, and get proactive about you, and your life.

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talaniman, thank you so much for your answer, it was very honest, and yes helpful It is things that I do already know but can't seem to follow. It helps to hear other people tell me that. I am trying to get involved in more activities that will help me feel better about myself, i.e.. Softball, helping my friend start a charity, things I'm excited about. I know the result will help me and I look forward to that.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Hello Sweet, insecurities are a horrible thing to have, for both you and your partner. It will drag your relationship down much like an anchor to a boat. The biggest thing you seem worried about is him leaving you, which could very well happen. What you have to remember though is, out of ALL the women he was chatting online with before you, he chose you. You won that race, you are his prize in a way. He didn't have to arrange to meet you, but you struck him on a different level. What you have going for you is that he fell in love with your personality rather than looks alone.

He laughs about the uncomfortable feelings you have because he sees it as you being worried over nothing. Perhaps sit down and explain to him about how you are feeling in a calm rational conversation. He may offer to let you see what he is talking about and to who to quell your feelings.

There are a ton of websites with information pertaining to insecurities and jealousy. There are countless books on the subject as well, one of my favorites is "overcoming jealousy and possessiveness" it provides a lot of insight into why you feel the way you do and how to control it. The best way that I deal with it is when I start to feel my jealousy coming up, I write down what it is that is bothering me, wait an hour and come back to it. If it seems like it still bothers me, I bring it up to my girlfriend and we talk about it. 9/10 I look at it an hour later and laugh at how I let something like that get to me.

I really hope this helps!

I have had similar issues in the past with insecurity, not as severe, and I have spoken to a counselor about it. The first thing you have to do is be able to explain to your guy that you have this insecurity, where it comes from, and that you own it.. you don't expect him to fix it and even though you appreciate his reassurances.. only you can fix this or control it. This way even though he may tell you till he is blue in the face everything is OK, this will explain why you will still question it again and again.

Once you explain to him, you also have to realize he needs space and privacy too. Always asking shows distrust even if you don't mean it. If your wish is to have him work with your insecurity, you have to learn to give a little too, it's the only way it will work.

My BF still jokes I have these one sided conversations he is part of but never takes place in, which is his way of saying I can still have tendencies to hear one small thing and my insecurity makes it into a molehill in my head. If he kind of goes "babe you are doing that convo thing again", I catch myself and we laugh it off. Together we have helped each other come a long way, he gets that sometimes I need that extra reassurance here and there and just tell me.. and I realize that I need to tell him when something bothers me and why.

It can work you just have to be free to let him see you for who you are and why, and both be willing to work with it.

A little different but I just you get Tony Robbins Get the Edge. I forget which CD it is but in one he actually teaches you how to reprogram your brain. It's not a one time fix, you have to keep doing it over and over until you condition yourself but yourself worth is worth the investment.

On to your boyfriend, he seems like a understanding guy and I'm not suggesting he's cheating but what's the worst thing that could happen if he was? You are going to be heartbroken that's true, but if he's cheating that's not a reflection on you, that's a reflection on him and his dishonesty. His dishonesty is flaw in his character trait, not a flaw in yours. You've been cheated on before so start giving the blame to who it belongs to, the person that did it not the current guy who believes in the girl he's with.