I want to see and talk to my ex who cheated but it's only been 2 weeks since I last saw him and I moved everything out just this last weekend. I've had no contact with him except for email and text of logistics of my move. I know he feels terrible now that I'm gone and I miss him. I feel like I'm in a limbo and I need to talk to him about everything and what he's thinking in order to move on. Is that just being self destructive? How do I handle this? If I really want to know how he's feeling now that everything is said and done should I call him or just send and short email asking how he feels after everything? I don't know if I'm ready for a bad response and if it's a good response I'm clueless as to what to do with that.

I went through the same thing. My ex cheated on me with a good friend of mine and I moved out. I continued to have contact with him and was still "seeing" him for 8 months after we broke up. (if you know what mean) Anyway, the second that I stopped talking to him, my life FINALLY moved on... I had to move on. ENOUGH was ENOUGH. I think that there really is never any right or wrong answer only you know what you need. I DO believe however that the more you talk/see/text/email him the harder it will be for you to move on. When I got married to another man, I don't know why but I felt that I had to contact my ex, before the wedding to get closure. We went out for a beer and it was the SAME bs that he was doing/saying/acting like 5 years ago! He still didn't have a job, car, money and he still had all these excuses. It was great for closure!
I guess what I am trying to get at is, wait until you are strong enough to say NO and wait until you find an amazing man! Every relationship is better then the one before because you learn your mistakes, and you learn what you want and don't want.
You will be just fine, but once a cheater always a cheater and you don't need that in your life. And I know you want to talk to him but just Don't. I wish that I never would have after we broke up.
Get out there and meet a better man! There are lots out there! I know I found mine! :-) GOOD LUCK!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by britishlover

I went through the same thing. My ex cheated on me with a good friend of mine and I moved out. I continued to have contact with him and was still "seeing" him for 8 months after we broke up. (if you know what mean) Anyways, the second that I stopped talking to him, my life FINALLY moved on.... I had to move on. ENOUGH was ENOUGH. I think that there really is never any right or wrong answer only you know what you need. I DO believe however that the more you talk/see/text/email him the harder it will be for you to move on. When I got married to another man, I dont know why but I felt that I had to contact my ex, before the wedding to get closure. We went out for a beer and it was the SAME bs that he was doing/saying/acting like 5 years ago! He still didnt have a job, car, money and he still had all these excuses. It was great for closure!
I guess what I am trying to get at is, wait until you are strong enough to say NO and wait until you find an amazing man! Every relationship is better then the one before because you learn your mistakes, and you learn what you want and dont want.
You will be just fine, but once a cheater always a cheater and you dont need that in your life. And I know you want to talk to him but just DONT. I wish that I never would have after we broke up.
Get out there and meet a better man! There are lots out there! I know I found mine! :-) GOOD LUCK!

---

Wow thanks for sharing your experience did he cheat again is that why after the extra 8 months you had enough? That's amazing he met up with you after all that time. I guess I just have this false hope that my ex will change that after everything it will have had a positive effect on him. I think people can change for the better but maybe not. I don't know... In my fantasy world he would see that I was the right one for him all along and now that I'm gone he knows what he's missing. We would talk and things would be so much better because of this difficult time. Bad odds on that huh? :( I'm also afraid if I wait too long to let him know I'm thinking of him and want to talk that he will completed shut me out. I feel like I'm in such a lose lose situation.

I think what you need is some time alone. Trust me that's what did it for me... I went out with friends went on dates... and read LOTS of self help books. But eventually you will move on and find a great guy! Like I said there is so many wonderful caring men out there, just give it time and you will be blessed with one of them:-)

There's nothing wrong with wanting closure. You need it to move on. It's understandable that you still care for him. He cheated and he may be sorry for that, but if you are sure in your heart that it is over then soon the two of you may actually be able to be friends. Your feelings are natural and it sounds like you are just going through the normal steps with your emotions. It is healthy to grieve for what was good in your life. I think you're doing just fine.

Who cares how about his feelings and how he's coping with everything. Remember if you didn't bring to light about him cheating with his best friend wife, he would still be doing it. Was he there when you needed him the most, no. Did he cherish or cared about you when he was with you, no. You already expressed your feelings and now it's time to start thinking about you and putting you first. He hurting you and how cause he's going feel down, maybe hopeless because now he has no one, you nor his friend wife. So what if he move on, you need to do the same and take the advice given to you in your previous post and let go. Accept it's over and move on. He was not thinking about you when he had an affair over and over with his friend and if he really cared or felt gulity there would not have been a 3th, 4th,5th... time. Just let go you owed him nothing. Let him drown in his misery.

OK I kind of was in your situation, except my ex didn't cheat on me (but kind of did in a way) our relationship had so much drama in it.. we broke up and got back together 3 times.. each time I forgave him and he promised change.. I ended it FOR GOOD a couple weeks ago..

Kind of getting my drift? People don't change, they are who they are, and if they can cheat once, and realize they can get away with it , what's to stop them from doing it again?

I lost all trust in my ex possible, (assuming you have lost all trust in your guy as well) and it's a really really hard thing to get back..

Move on hunny and meet new people.. I'm currently dating an amazing guy right now, I was surprised I was able to move on a date so fast, but it's awesome and I'm enjoying my time with him whether it will go somewhere..

Go back out in the dating world.. it's a lot of fun, remember those butterflyes you felt when a new boy touches your hand? It's a blast, go have fun!

Your concern for him, is not touching at all, but shows you do not love yourself enough! Sorry, before you have sympathy for him, and his pain, think about the pain he caused you, that hurt you enough to leave, and rightfully so. Don't let pity make you follow a really bad choice here, unless you're a glutton for punishment.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

Your concern for him, is not touching at all, but shows you do not love yourself enough! Sorry, before you have sympathy for him, and his pain, think about the pain he caused you, that hurt you enough to leave, and rightfully so. Don't let pity make you follow a really bad choice here, unless your a glutton for punishment.

---

:( I'm causing myself unnecessary suffering huh? Do you think if he cared for me he would have checked up on me by now? This whole situation is starting to effect my well being. At first I was just shocked then between sad and angry now I feel sick to my stomach and can't sleep right. I just want to feel better about everything. I thought that talking to him and hearing something that would just click in my head to make everything feel like it is right is what I need. I feel so alone in all this.

Quote:

---

I just want to feel better about everything

---

The only way to feel better is if you stop worrying about what he is feeling and concentrate on yourself. I can assure you that he is definitely confused and knows he messed things up but that should not be your worry. The only thing talking to him would do to you is to confuse you even more and make it harder to move on. All the feelings you have described are normal and will not go away overnight. It will take time but they will slowly fade away. Its been 5 weeks of no contact for me and I still miss her a lot, and still feel quite lonely at times although I have my friends around. She has been calling me and txting me all this time and although I really want to answer and find out how she is I know that would just take me back to day 1 and that is definitely somewhere I would not want to go back to. So I suggest you stay strong and give yourself the time to clear your mind and see things for how they really are before you talk to him. The healing process will take time but will teach you a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know.

Do you have any friends or family to help you through this? Right down you need to be tough and this break-up is interfering with your well-being, then there's nothing wrong with seeing a counsellor. I think at least this part of your break-up you would at least have stop putting his feelings first instead of your because you did nothing wrong, only him. I been following and even posting in your previous threads and you need to see what type of looser this guy was. It takes a day at a time but having contact only makes it worst. In the end, you'll a very strong person becase what don't kill you only makes you stronger.

Why are you so worried about your ex? That's exactly what he is now...
In the PAST~~~>>> keep him there!!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by happy_jester

Why are you so worried about your ex?? That's exactly what he is now..........
In the PAST~~~>>> keep him there!!!!!

---

I guess I am at a weak point in my life and we lived together over half of our 5 and a half years together. I just don't understand things and I'm horribly depressed about it. I worry about him because I still care even though I shouldn't I still do. He was a huge part of my life and I was working at making our relationship better. I'm embarrassed to tell my friends so I've just been staying at my brothers until I figure out what to do with my life. I just moved out on a whim and had no arrangements. My life seems so ruined. My brother works nights and is always asleep during the day, so I'm alone a lot of the time. The one friend I have that would probably understand lives kind of far and again I'm ashamed to tell her what's happened. Everyone thought we were so perfect for each other. I even thought that. Now when everyone finds out we split up they are going to be all surprised and want to know what happened. I did nothing wrong but I feel like I'm the one that helped things fall apart. I've never been through this so that is why I'm so stuck in the past. How long will it take to feel stronger and better about everything?

You're stuck in the past because you're going through a time of shock.

It's all up to YOU how long that process will take.

Only when you have NO CONTACT with him,will the healing begin.

One thing I want to ask you is whether you are embarrassed to tell your friends or whether you still have that hope that you will get back together and you are worried that if you tell your friends then there is no chance of that happening because everything will be out on the open? I am asking this because it was really hard for me to tell my friends, not because I was embarrassed but because deep inside I had this hope that we would get back together and if no one knew then it would be fine, but if people knew then it would be real and I knew that there would be no way I could accept her back.
It will really help you talking to someone about this so I would suggest you call or even visit your friend. Bringing it out in the open are the first steps of accepting the situation.

You did absolutely nothing to help things fall apart. Don't put the blame on yourself because he is the only one to blame about this. Now as to how long it will take to feel stronger and good about everything that is totally up to you. Start building your life again but this time without him. It won't be easy but you will get through this trust me!

No matter what you did or didn't do, it didn't cause the affair only his crappy choices did. But you are still very early in the betrayal trauma aftermath, be patient & loving with yourself. It was a long term relationship that was ruined by his cheating, you have a lot of mourning to get past.

The only true closure is that which you give yourself, it has nothing to do with his actions or lack of them. He can answer some questions for you but at this point you can't even trust you will get honest answers from him.

A good book to start with just to start giving yourself closure by learning more about the affair aspects & its effect on you is:

Amazon.com: Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity: Shirley P. Glass, Jean Coppock Staeheli: Books

He ran you over with a steamroller of deceptions to shatter your life & heart but can't be bothered to take a few seconds out of his life to check to see how you are doing after FIVE YRS together? There's all your closure you need right there! Of course it's not that simple or automatic for your heart, but still be true to your commitment to yourself to get through this successfully in the best way for you & take one baby step at a time to accomplish that one day at a time.

Good for you for going NC as long as you have & not letting yourself be any further mistreated by him, that's a GIANT step in the right direction. It may be that he does change, but until you see actions to prove that, you know he's not & you need to protect yourself from putting any more of your precious life into the hands of a cheater.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by busterite

One thing I want to ask you is whether you are embarassed to tell your friends or whether you still have that hope that you will get back together and you are worried that if you tell your friends then there is no chance of that happening because everything will be out on the open?

---

I am actually really only embarrassed that my relationship failed and the reason why it failed. The only people are the ones that I have told are that are closest to me my dad and brother. They warned me about really thinking about going back to him if it was even an option. I know they would question me going back especially if it was so soon. They are the poor ones that had to help me move out. I told them if it was even an option that it wouldn't be for a few month if at all. I did break the no contact and sent an email asking what he was thinking about everything. He said it was the right thing but it wasn't easy to have me gone. He regrets everything and is feeling the torment of the consequences of what he's done. He lost he best friends and me and her. So at least he has to learn from making this stupid choice but I still can't be completely mad at him. I replied to his response with this super long message telling him all the important things that have been bothering me as well as if he thought he could talk to me about what's he's going through. I was so scared to get the response but I feel it would give me the closure or whatever it was I needed. It felt really good to get what I had to say off my chest. So his response was a watered down version of what has happened since and that he's been drinking a lot. He even admitted being wreckless with his life when he got caught but his friend. He said he is sorry for hurting me and losing me as his friend and he feels like he has nobody after everything. He said he would write more about the email later when he hadn't been drinking. So now what? I already told him not to drink and I'd be there for him if he needed to talk. I didn't ask to get back together I just let him know my side of things. What's this drinking BS?

What you really need is time to cope with the hurt, and betrayal. Its far to soon to forgive anyone at this point, and you should focus on you, and not him.

His actions caused this, so let the emotional dust settle. Give yourself a chance to get healthier and can think about what you want.

Your ex is trash. Find a better guy whose going to respect you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

What you really need is time to cope with the hurt, and betrayal. Its far to soon to forgive anyone at this point, and you should focus on you, and not him.

His actions caused this, so let the emotional dust settle. Give your self a chance to get healthier and can think about what you want.

---

So is it bad that I would be forgiving? I figure what's done is done and hopefully he'll learn from it. I sure know I've learned a lot from all this. I've never had trust issues with him ever I'm telling you there is something very bad going on with him and it worries me. I think now that I know he is being more and more destructive it will be easier to pull away and focus on me. People like that only drag everyone down with them huh? How sad :(