Hello!

Iam new to this site, so I am not sure how it will work out for me, but I hope I might get some help... Or even someone might be in similar situation. I have met my partner one year ago. I have to note that I was just out of a 5year long relationship and have a now 9 year old son from my marriage before. And I am only 30!. Never mind. My life is much more complicated then I have ever imagined.. So I met this man last summer when I was visiting my family with my son. We fell in love and after my holiday was over, he came with us to be together. Ah well I could go on forever how things were then etc, but the main thing is at this moment I am expecting our baby, due any day now! And feel that this man is ruining my life! I have never met or dealt with anyone as jealous as this man in my whole life. I never even heard of someone that bad! I could go on about millions of dealt about his dos, that would make your hair stand up and I have a feeling that everyone would say the same: RUN! And even I know I probably should, BUT!
Hes asking me just to wait until the baby arrives and I will not want to go! As he says it all the time he have lost 2 families already (two women, 2 kids.. ) he can not bare to lose another and he really really wants this child and me! He say beautiful things to me all the time and promises everything and I know he really does try his best in his own way, but he has done so many things to hurt me ( I do believe he didn't mean any of it!) I can't trust him and... Ah.. I don't even know what I am expecting from writing here.. Everyone thinks the same... I just.. Can't leave him and don't know why.. Well, probably because of all the promises and fear of him killing himself or something.. ( he did try already.. )

Maggier, you situation sounds very bad. Please, leave as soon as possible. Make sure you are safe when you leave. Make a Safety Plan for leaving.

Here is a website that talks about safety plans:
MOVA - Safety Planning for Victims of Abuse

The feeling that you cannot leave is the result of the way he is treating you. It is not your fault, but it is not safe for you or your baby to stay with him. Things will not get better after the baby arrives; they will likely get worse. You are right that you can't trust him, so you must get out without confiding in him or arguing with him. Your first priority is your safety and your baby's safety.

Please look for help in your area from a women's shelter. If there are none, you may need to confide in a counselor, minister, or other person who can help you find help. Do you have family or friends who can help?

Hi Maggier,

This is a good site describing abuse.
Tell me if this sounds like what's happening to you:
Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs and Symptoms of Abusive Relationships

Thank you for your help. You are right I know and many times I have planned to escape. . I have my mom to help me and she's always waiting for me to come. She has a room for me set up and everything and I know I should jump for it. The truth is that I am hoping to leave this man by getting him to agree and he promised that any time I can go if I'm not happy... I feel sorry for him and I know his trying hard to change. We did go to couples counselling which he paid for. ( I more think that he thinks that's enough proof for trying.. ) but the therapist kind of gave up on him after about 3months.. She didn't see his efforts..
So basically my senses say to go and fast, before "his" baby is coming, because once he holds him I think it would be really mutch harder for him and me too, to break away and I would feel even worst for doing that to him, but every time he even just thinks that I am organising something for my leave, his here in a flash from work and cries and bags , etc.. I don't want to ask any of my family members to pick me up, because I have done that a few times. I packed and went home and few days or weeks later back again. They are sick of me. None has time for my "".Excuse my language.. And then, if I do it that way, he will be outside our house day and night, loose his job of course,call 24-7and all of that. Don't know what would be more exshausting at this stage of my pregnancy and baring.Just stay and let him do his best or go now and stress over what his doing and what will happen to him.

His suicide threats suggest he might be very dangerous, but you are the best judge of how dangerous he is. Listen to your heart.

You need to be ready in your own mind to go, so that you are fully committed to going and don't go back again. I think you'll know when you are ready. But don't wait for a time when you feel perfectly certain, because it will probably never happen. As you can guess, I'm speaking from experience. I stayed until my two kids were 7 and 11 and I regret waiting so long. He kept giving reasons things were bad now but would get better. They never did.

So, of course, I think you should go now. But it is has to be you who thinks that. There are answers to all your objections. If he camps outside your family's house, you can get a restraining order (which may not stop him, but for some men it works). If he's dangerous or ignores the restraining order, you may have to go somewhere where he can't find you. If he quits his job, that is his decision, not yours. All his wild claims and threats are his responsibility; you are not responsible for the things he says and does--no matter what he tells you.

But you are responsible for the baby that is coming and hopefully that will give you strength. I found it easier to do what was right for my kids than what was right for me. When he began humiliating my younger son on a daily basis, I felt that it was okay to leave, that I didn't have to stay for the kids or for the sake of an "intact family." Afterwards, my life improved beyond measure. Leaving was the best thing I ever did.

My own husband made many threats, that he would take my kids from me if I ever left, that he would take my house and I would "live in the street." None of these things happened, and although he did some awful things to me, nothing he did was as bad as the threats he made. I don't know what your partner will do. You are the best judge of how dangerous he is and of when you can leave. Follow your instincts for keeping yourself and your baby safe and don't listen to his promises and threats. Be strong!

Go somewhere he doesn't know... You have every right in the world to get an EPO (Emergency Protective Order) against him. I have seen it a hundred times where the threats end up leading to actual violence, or even the death of one party. If he comes, say, 1000 ft near you once the EPO is issued, then he will go to jail. Get out before his threats become actions... for your baby's sake and yours.

You need away BEFORE the baby arrives. If you wait until then he will just have a stronger hold on you. You can see he only makes promises and does nothing to keep them so that should show you that is just a tactic he has learned to prolong holding onto what he wants. Can you seriously believe that he can become less controlling if he hasn't shown any signs of being less controlling? Can you seriously see yourself being happy in a year or two or ten and nothing has changed? Picture it--yourself in a year, two years, five years and he hasn't changed one single bit! He claims he will change but I bet he has no idea what or how to change. Ask him what he sees himself doing to change and how he is going to go about changing... I bet he only has enough of an answer to make you feel safe that maybe he will but not a real concrete reply that he can start acting on.

Like he will say I will not pressure you any more, I will allow you to do more what you want, I won't nag so much... that is NOT a satisfactory answer.
He needs to explain how he is going to over come his controlling ways and specify ways that you will see he has changed. But most likely even then you won't even see much of any changes then either. Figure he already lost two women, he will survive losing a third.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

Figure he already lost two women, he will survive losing a third.

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Yep! Well said.

I think we have similar situations in life here. It isn't easy to just go is it. They find you and talk you into staying. Its good advice on here we just need to be strong and move on.

I wish you all the very best.

True it is not easy but the longer you stay the harder it gets because you keep finding more excuses the more settled you get through the years.
I wrote this years ago when I had to go to dv classes.

Why she stays (the progression)

She stays because he is so loving when he wants to be

She stays as she blocks out the memories of his rages hoping someday he will be who he once was

She stays as she goes about her daily routine trying to maintain some level and sense of a normal façade

She stays because she was taught 'for better or for worse' even if it means enduring the abuse

She stays hoping the next dark moment won't happen for sometime long from now as she tries to hold her family together on her own

She stays because he has beaten her independence, individuality and self esteem down to non existent

She stays because he controls her mind, her freedom, her life, the money, the car

She stays because he has convinced her she deserves the beatings; that she only needs to try harder to please him

She stays because she holds on to the blame as hers and hers alone

She stays because she is isolated and he is all she has left

She stays because she fears the unfamilar more than what she has learned for survival

She stays because she doesn't want to drag her kids down an endless trail of uncertainty

She stays because it seems easier dealing with the pain than to leave with a sense of shame

She stays because to leave and start all over doesn't seem like a viable option

She knows if she kicks him out he is psychotic enough to ignore the PFA the present threats are scary enough, but she has learned to cope and keeps false hope she stays because she fears of losing all she has struggled for

These are not her excuses; this is her reality