Since I was little, my mother has always been hard to deal with, yelling at me for silly little things or picking arguments with me when she knew it would interfer with something important. If I made a mistake, she would hold onto it and use it later to make me feel bad. All the while, telling me and others that we had a really close relationship when in reality, I barely could tell her anything for fear of how she would turn it on me. I moved out of the house as soon as I turned 18 and thought that getting out of the house would help mend our relatonship. It did help some only because she has learned that I am not going to tolerate her criticism. Now, she tries to act sweet while she is saying what she wants to say. For example, we will go to visit and after we leave, she will find a way to let me know all the things they could not get done because we came over. She doesn't come out and blame us straight out but makes it clear what she is saying. If asked about it, she will just say that everyone misunderstands her. My husband and I are expecting our first baby and I had hoped that my pregnancy would be the thing that would bring us closer but it feels as though it has made things worse. She has made very little effort to be involved and even backed out of going to the big ultrasound where they are going to tell us the sex. She even makes negative comments about bad things happening. I have already sat down with her to tell her that I really want to be close and want her to be a part of my pregnancy. She acted touched but there has been no change since. I am tired of making the effort with no reward. My husband and my brother both tell me to give up and move on and can't believe I am still expecting things to change. My dad doesn't even know what to tell me. He has enough trouble dealing with her without me adding to it. I am 28 years old and really don't know what I expect and I don't know what my question is. Maybe I am looking for someone who has experienced something similar and tell me how I should handle it.

She is playing the victim with maybe some passive/aggressive games. Many moms do things like that. I don't feel as close with my mom as I would like because I have learned the way she is is the way she is and if you try to discuss things like ways to have a better relationship etc... all you end up with is a defensive offended hurt mom. You have to quit trying and just accept the way she is. If you want to include her in going somewhere just tell her I am going for my [ultrasound, baby shopping, whatever] {time and date} you are welcome to come along. Let me know so we can make plans. Then leave it up to her from there. Don't expect anything and just enjoy being with her when you can but on her time.

I have the same mother. I could not have described her insanity better than you just did. My father, a licensed clinical social worker, is still married to my mother after 30+ years. Sometimes I wonder if she married him in hope of receiving professional help. Apparently his mother was the same kind of insane, so he accepts it as normal. My mother has my father under her thumb at all times. There are many sad elements to this story - my (and my siblings') tortured childhood, my father's unrequited love, and my mother's unfulfilled need for professional help. The story is not a tragedy, though, because it is my story. I will overcome my past and marry a woman who does not torture me and my children. The cycle of abuse stops on my watch.