I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 months. Usually at the beginning of the relationship you can't keep your hands off each other, well he has. We rarely have sex. When I bring up the issue, he gets very angry. Every time we have had sex, I have either: initiated or begged for it. He does not like performing cunnilingus. He says none of his ex girlfriends complained about never getting it. He has done it a few times and is terrible at it, but I always tell him that it's fantastic and try to guide him a bit.
He watches a lot of porn when I'm not around, and masturbates. Although he won't ejaculate because he thinks is 'gross and disgusting'. When we have sex, he always insists on ejaculating in my mouth or on my face. I suggested perhaps ejaculating on my stomach instead, and he gets annoyed. After he ejaculates, he will get up to grab a towel... and then proceeds to wipe himself off, while I am sitting there drenched in his . He says he never thinks about sex, and that he isn't happy with his life and perhaps that's why he doesn't have a sex drive. He never tells me that I look sexy, or even compliments me at all.
Last night I found him looking at shemale porn website. I confronted him about it, in a very non-threatening way, and he said he was doing it because it's 'entertaining and funny', and that I was blowing things out of proportion. When we have sex, and talk dirty talk, he goes on and on about wanting to have anal sex, and asks me if he can 'fill up my ', etc.

What is up with this guy? Do any of you men out there advice on what I can do? Or perhaps someone is going through the same thing, or is experiencing the same thing?

HELP!:(

I rarely simply say "dump the bum"... really, I just don't think its my place to decide what you are willing to put up with...

But today is an expection.

You need to get rid of him. Period.

I don't care how good he is to you in other ways... its only going to get worse in time, and you need to demand more for yourself.

Read my posts and I go to great lengths to try to help people, and I place "leave them" at the end of my suggestions...

He is completely self serving, had no desire to satiate you, gets angry when you try to have a reasonable conversation.

Really??

If I learned ANYTHING useful along the way it was more from strong women who demanded a healthy sex life than books or lectures. Yes... everyone deserves time and a chance to work things out. Some partners you click with instantly in bed. Sometimes it it takes longer.

But really... this loser is only going to frustrate you mentally and physically. If he were willing to try, was willing to talk, to communicate, id say differently.

But I can do NOTHING to help someone who isn't interested in change. And neither can you.

I'm glad you aren't willing to settle for a lazy lover who plays mind games. Sorry you are in this spot.

I rarely say this: lose this jerk.

If there's more to talk about, please post. I'm happy to stretch the discussion out further, but in this case, its just easy for someone on the outside to know you are in an unfortunate position with a guy who is unlikely to do the work that is NEEDED sometimes to make sex as good as it should be.

As for oral sex on a woman, id recommend you read She Comes First, but Ian Kerner. It'll help you direct other lovers to what you might want or need. A must read for anyone discovering their sexual likes, especially geared toward sensitization and oral on her to orgasm or close to it. An easy read. Not an "icky" sex book.

Is he bad at oral because you've experienced better, or because he cannot get you there?

Amazon.com: She Comes First: Kindle Store: Ian Kerner

Thank you! I will definitely purchase that book!

You're right, it's hard to make someone want to change, or to magically create the will to work on things when they don't see an issue. It's absolutely heartbreaking, because he can be a really sweet guy. But he puts up a wall and gets very upset when I try to have a normal conversation about sex. He says he's never had to talk about to any of his exes before, and that they never 'complained'. I always open up the conversation to anything he'd like to try. You're right though, selfishness cannot be fixed. I have to put some serious thought into this. I always try to look for the best in people, but I am feeling very unsatisfied with this relationship, and perhaps it's time to move on.

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Originally Posted by lostnfound

Thank you! I will definitely purchase that book!

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glad you are interested in the book. He has a follow-up called He Comes Next that I haven't read but is likely decent, since I like his writing and his approach.

and don't forget to come back and talk about the latest developments.

it is always nice to hear from posters down the line... to hear what's gone right and wrong.

as for the relationship... I think there are some critical things a couple must be able to talk about... sex, money, goals, faith (or not), and sports. OK... sports was just the guy in me. =) really... if you cannot talk about sex, and sex isn't great, its an uphill battle.

sex is not all there is to a relationship, but sexual compatibility, especially when young, is something that needs to be considered.

and as sweet as he is... if you give him a chance to do the right thing, and he doesn't, well then you've done all you can do.

Hi kp. I'm back for more of your fantastic advice. I was using my bf's computer for a work project, as he had my laptop with him for the day, and I was looking for an information website I was using as a work reference, and I found a very large amount of porn. I am not knocking porn, as I watch it myself. My concern here is that he has never 'put the moves on me', it is always I whom initiates, and now I find oodles of porn websites visited as recently as today. I know looking at pornography is perfectly normal, but is it okay for him to spend his days masturbating instead of meeting my needs, or allowing me to meet his needs? (God knows I would love to!)

I'm looking for more insight here... I'm lost..

Your question isn't about porn... its about neglect.

We get a lot of posts here from women who are hurt, angry, and feel neglected because their partner watches porn. Personally, I try to stay away from judging the use of porn as much as I can, and if I'm forced to judge, I weigh on "less is better"... I don't care if its porn, alcohol, role playing, etc... the easier you can get to orgasm and get your partner to orgasm without other "crutches" the better. That does NOT mean a couple who shares an erotic vid or story is doing it wrong... it means the more you corner yourself into a limited means of reaching arousal, the more difficult you might make it for yourself... or the narrower the field of willing partners. If you have a lifelong mate who shares your sexual interests and diversions, kudos to you.

But the guy who can only get mentally and physically aroused by the girl who likes pseudo-bondage is going to find he is limiting his potential mates. The girl who needs to be dominated or dominating will do the same. Its not necessarily wrong, just limiting. Especially when you NEED that thing to get you there.

Sure... there are times when ill take a dominating position and hold my partners hands at her wrists above her head and it's a rush... for her and for me. But I don't need this every time to get over the top.

So... is it "wrong" for him to have a stash of porn and masturbate? no.

Is it "right" for him to be neglectful of you? no. as in "N" and "O"...

I am the easiest "lay" I've ever had. If I want to get myself off... well it's a done deal. I'm slutty with myself like that I guess. ;)

BUT... don't think for a minute I wouldn't dump my skanky arse for my partner. So... my drive is higher than hers... sometimes I need to be a "problem solver" so I don't light the world on fire. OK. But when my lover asks for my touch, I'm damn well going to respond.

So... your question hasn't changed at all. You found evidence of what you knew or expected.

Fact is he is still neglectful... whether he's just uninterested or whether he likes his hand best. Which is really the better answer?

Ick to both.

Why are you still with this selfish uncaring bum. He must be rich, and generous!!

He is neither rich, nor generous. I have no idea why I am allowing myself to be taken advantage of. I have spoken to him on 3 separate occasions regarding the lack of sex versus porn usage, and he gets very confrontational, followed by laughing at me for thinking he has a problem. I try to address it in a way that makes it seem as though WE could work on it, but he still reacts negatively. He said he just isn't really interested in sex, and that he doesn't have much of a drive. Ok, I would respect that answer IF... he wasn't looking at porn EVERYDAY on his computer. He watches porn daily, sometimes when I am even in the next room. It makes me wonder, where does he ejaculate? As the few times we were intimate, he didn't want to get any semen on him, because he says it's gross. I think I am rambling here, because I am at my ends wit. Help? More advice? :(

The choice is simple since he is neither rich or generous, decide if his good points are worth putting up with his bad points. Then you decide what you want. This is a very good preview of your future.

That's what you ask him, " Is this a preview of our future?"

Just me, REAL Men give their females plenty of motives to stay, bums don't, they take you for granted.

Sex should be a result of love. He seems to be in his own world and thinks it pornoland all the way.
Get rid of him.