Hi,

My boyfriend and I have been having a lot of problems. Generally, I get upset because he can be quite robotic and unaffectionate. When I get upset, he suddenly becomes very attentive and affectionate. It makes me feel silly for being upset in the first place, but then he goes back to being unaffecitionate again and also holds a grudge for my being upset.

About 5 months ago, my boyfriend started having problems at work and began a job search. He was depressed and didn't seem interested in sex. I didn't worry because I figured he was stressed and it would get back to normal. Then once he got a job, he didn't seem to want to have sex because he was adjusting. He also said that all of our arguments are taking a toll on him. We have had sex just two times in the last two months. I've had to beg for it and then he seemed very listless and despondent. I'm kind of pretty and thin, so I don't think it's that I've let myself go or anything.

It's a vicious cycle because he acts cold and unaffectionate and then I get angry and then he uses it as an excuse to not be intimate with me. I've tried breaking up with him in the past, but he always talks me out of it.

For all my complaining though, I've enjoyed having him in my life. I feel secure with him.

I'm considering breaking up with him. I'm a little scared to be single again, but I don't really see this improving. Isn't it supposed to be easier than this?

Breaking up is never easy. And its even harder in certain circumstances. You have to be objective in how you view your situation. Yeah stress and depression WILL take its toll on the libido. But his behaviour before his job loss wasn't right anyway.

There is obviously a problem here, you need to talk to each other when your both calm, explain how you feel and ask him how he feels, hopefully he will open up to you.
Tell him if things don't change then you are worried that you may split up, which you don't want to happen.

May be he should talk to his GP if he's depressed and run down or he has another problem that is worrying him.

It sounds like you guys have been together a while. It also sounds like you let things build up so when you do finally approach him, your frustration triggers his anger & a vicious cycle repeats itself. He likely if feeling attacked when you try to talk to him. You of course are hurting, so it's hard to get your points across without your anger feedinghis perhaps?How are you approaching him about the lack of affection?

If you haven't tried this, how about asking him to snuggle / cuddle with you. Once you guys are physically close, explain how much you miss getting to do that with him & how much he matters to you. Tell him it's important to you to stay physically connected to him, let him know what you like about making love to him & how it makes you feel unloved when you aren't getting that. Ask him what can be done so he is more in the mood.

Good Luck!

When you know it isn't right for you, it is easier to move forward in your life. He sounds like a baby... you need more life experience with men, in my opinion.

Remember when you break up, don't be angry or hostile toward him... it's just over.

In his "defense", stress and depression can kill libido. I fought through a about of depression a few years ago. Id quit my job, another job fell through, I had a newborn, and a bigger home with a bigger mortgage. My libido really crashed.

Well... for a time. And then I worked my way out of it. Its fine to get into a rut.

But... its not fine to continually find reasons to be neglectful.

So really, there is no defense for his behavior...

At best here... he is interested in you but is letting excuse after excuse get in the way. At worst, you don't have good sexual compatibility and/or he likes the mind game of being in control. I'm thinking he's more of the later ilk.

Sure, its sucks to step back from someone and trade that "security" for the unknown... but what is "secure" here? That he's a "nice guy" who isn't on the same page as you. The only secure thing at this point is you get to fret, fuss, and be frustrated. And then he will service you, when he's willing, without affection or desire.

Yuck to that.

It sounds to me like your relationship and your immaturity are going to drive you to a breakdown. You have to get a grip, girl!

My opinion is that this is not about sex, it is about something else. You are going to have to go talk to a professional about yourself and your relationship. Self-knowledge is the second step to finding happiness in life.

I think you will be all right as soon as you get yourself together. :)

>Threads Merged as they are about the same subject<

Well if he dreads being alone, he needs to change his behavior.

Feeling guilty because another is hurting when you break it off is normal. Turn that guilt into anger. Be mad all you asked for is attention. Affection. Be mad that all you wanted was an intimate connection.

Tell me I am wrong here... if he had held your hand lovingly... if he had playfully touched you when you flashed him... if he had looked into your eyes and smiled when making love to you... you wouldn't be here today.

If he had touched your skin like a lover, you wouldn't have broken it off.

You cannot save him from himself.

You can do the hard work it takes to demand more for yourself.

Sorry its where you are now. Been there myself. More than once.

Its worth all the noise to get to a better place.

I promise.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Choux

It sounds to me like your relationship and your immaturity are going to drive you to a breakdown. You have to get a grip, girl!

My opinion is that this is not about sex, it is about something else. You are going to have to go talk to a professional about yourself and your relationship. Self-knowledge is the second step to finding happiness in life.

I think you will be alright as soon as you get yourself together. :)

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Yeah, thanks, except I'm not immature.


Thanks.

To have a good working relationship, it takes the effort of both. Someone that does the minimum only when the other has gotten tired of being the only one putting in that effort & their needs / wants ignored, isn't learning how to be a better partner, they are just buying time hoping you'll adapt to their version of the relationship especially if they have done that repeatedly. And their not wanting to be alone only kicks in when they are facing having no one there, which is very different from cherishing the partner so they don't WANT to leave.

I'm sorry you are facing this because breakups hurt & disrupt our lives, but sometimes they are inevitable & it's better to be lonely for a short time alone than alone & lonely with a partner who makes us feel worse when we are with them instead of better which is the way it should & could be. Having him in your life keeps you stuck in a dynamic which is keeping real love out of your life instead of letting you be with someone that really appreciates you. As soon as you can, focus on that & what you can do in order to take good care of yourself so that you can find the right partner for you, he is out there looking for you.

Good Luck!

Despondent Sex

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I have had serious thoughts about ending things with my boyfriend. He has been withholding sex for a while and then makes me feel crazy for asking about it. He says, when I keep bringing it up, it puts more stress on him. Maybe, but if I don't bring it up, he isn't affetionate at all except by cuddling while we sleep.

I have so many thoughts about this. Last night was a bit of a chore. He talked about his work the entire dinner, but he didn't ask about me at all Then, I was being flirtatious and he kept ignoring my flirting. I even flashed him by lifting my skirt to show my thong (in his empty garage) and then watched as he pretended to look the other way!

He seems to be using sex as a control. He withholds sex and affection. Last night you went to dinner and walked home. I grabbed his hand, but he didn't seem to initiate any affection. Then, when we got back to his place, he kept suggesting other activities besides sex. Then he said he was tired. When you initiated sex, he wouldn't look at me.

Then finally he did have sex with me from behind (graphic, sorry). But he wouldn't let me turn around and look at him. He didn't speak at all- it was totally wordless. I got up to go to the bathroom and when I tried to talk about the experience as though it was great (Lying), he sort of didn't say anything and we went to sleep. I was so exhausted I slept too. A few hours later, we had an argument in the middle of the night when I didn't want to cuddle. He kept saying "I love you, I love you!" Kind of desperately and we got into it and I broke up with him. Then he was really upset and wanted to have a huge argument. He told me I was being ridiculous and the sex was fine. When he realized I was serious, he kept rubbing my back, and trying to kiss me and have him face me. It was silly! It was also a bit scary and desperate. Truly.

Prior to this argument he would constantly ask me to massage his legs, back, arms... Then, he would never reciprocate. It got to the point where I would be in tears asking why and he wouldn't respond. Then, when he thinks I'm going to break up with him suddenly everything changes? It seems manipulative.

Background info:

My boyfriend has no relationship with his family (just two people) and has mentioned at several times how much he dreads being alone. It fills me with guilt and sadness. I never want to hurt anyone.

Heeeeeelllllpppp!

If he has no relationship with his family maybe he doesn't know how to be affectionate. I know this doesn't really help you but from reading this that's just the first thing that comes to mind. It sounds like he needs affection but doesn't know how to reciprocate. Has he had any relationships before you?

>Threads Merged Again<

Please stick to ONE thread as this is the SAME issue.

Uhm

Please respect what mods have asked you to do... stop opening the same question over and over.

If you don't want the advice you've been given, fine.

But its frustrating to have the same thing over several posts.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kp2171

uhm

please respect what mods have asked you to do... stop opening the same question over and over.

if you dont want the advice youve been given, fine.

but its frustrating to have the same thing over several posts.

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Sorry! New to the site, I didn't realize I was posting over and over! Your advice was great... Very insightful, sorry for the inconvenience...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by PumpkinPie89

Hi,

My boyfriend and I have been having a lot of problems. Generally, I get upset because he can be quite robotic and unaffectionate. When I get upset, he suddenly becomes very attentive and affectionate. It makes me feel silly for being upset in the first place, but then he goes back to being unaffecitionate again and also holds a grudge for my being upset.

About 5 months ago, my boyfriend started having problems at work and began a job search. He was depressed and didn't seem interested in sex. I didn't worry because I figured he was stressed and it would get back to normal. Then once he got a job, he didn't seem to want to have sex because he was adjusting. He also said that all of our arguments are taking a toll on him. We have had sex just two times in the last two months. I've had to beg for it and then he seemed very listless and despondent. I'm kind of pretty and thin, so I don't think it's that I've let myself go or anything.

It's a vicious cycle because he acts cold and unaffectionate and then I get angry and then he uses it as an excuse to not be intimate with me. I've tried breaking up with him in the past, but he always talks me out of it.

For all my complaining though, I've enjoyed having him in my life. I feel secure with him.

I'm considering breaking up with him. I'm a little scared to be single again, but I don't really see this improving. Isn't it supposed to be easier than this?

---

Look what you said,, Security! That's the devil in many relationships.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by PumpkinPie89

Despondent Sex

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have had serious thoughts about ending things with my boyfriend. He has been withholding sex for a while and then makes me feel crazy for asking about it. He says, when I keep bringing it up, it puts more stress on him. Maybe, but if I don't bring it up, he isn't affetionate at all except by cuddling while we sleep.

I have so many thoughts about this. Last night was a bit of a chore. He talked about his work the entire dinner, but he didn't ask about me at all Then, I was being flirtatious and he kept ignoring my flirting. I even flashed him by lifting my skirt to show my thong (in his empty garage) and then watched as he pretended to look the other way!

He seems to be using sex as a control. He withholds sex and affection. Last night you went to dinner and walked home. I grabbed his hand, but he didn't seem to initiate any affection. Then, when we got back to his place, he kept suggesting other activities besides sex. Then he said he was tired. When you initiated sex, he wouldn't look at me.

Then finally he did have sex with me from behind (graphic, sorry). But he wouldn't let me turn around and look at him. He didn't speak at all- it was totally wordless. I got up to go to the bathroom and when I tried to talk about the experience as though it was great (Lying), he sort of didn't say anything and we went to sleep. I was so exhausted I slept too. A few hours later, we had an argument in the middle of the night when I didn't want to cuddle. He kept saying "I love you, I love you!" Kind of desperately and we got into it and I broke up with him. Then he was really upset and wanted to have a huge argument. He told me I was being ridiculous and the sex was fine. When he realized I was serious, he kept rubbing my back, and trying to kiss me and have him face me. It was silly! It was also a bit scary and desperate. Truly.

Prior to this argument he would constantly ask me to massage his legs, back, arms...Then, he would never reciprocate. It got to the point where I would be in tears asking why and he wouldn't respond. Then, when he thinks I'm going to break up with him suddenly everything changes? It seems manipulative.

Background info:

My boyfriend has no relationship with his family (just two people) and has mentioned at several times how much he dreads being alone. It fills me with guilt and sadness. I never want to hurt anyone.

Heeeeeelllllpppp!!

---

I would go find someone who appriciates you. You sound like a pawn for him. In my opinion, he has security ISSUES. What kind of a person turns down affection?? Run away! But be careful, he sounds potencially dangerous. For your sake, I hope you don't feel trapped. I say,, lose him. But gently... I wish you the best.

I think he's been raised the right way and with the right morals. He probably knows that fornicating is wrong but he loves you too much to tells you. In mine and God's opinion you should be the one to change and not him. Trust me, my advice will not lead you to Hell.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by lukesky_DC

I think he's been raised the right way and with the right morals. He probably knows that fornicating is wrong but he loves you to much to tells you. In mine and God's oppinion you should be the one to change and not him. trust me, my advice will not lead you to Hell.

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"Right" way? "Right" morals?

I don't want to get into a religious discussion with you here--this is, after all, someone else's question--but how do you know what religion the OP is?