What am I supposed to do?
I am lost. I lost myself about 3 years ago and have never been able to find that person I left behind. I did a lot of bad things to some of my family and friends, which caused me to almost lose my entire immediate family. I am going through a bad break up, we would have been together for 5 years on Sept. 12th and I don't know how to deal with that either. I am constantly angry. I hurt the absolute love of my life so much that I can't even get her to talk to me hardly even though we still live in the same house.
I tried removing myself from the situation, but that didn't help any at all. I had to come back because I had no other choice. I can't seem to forgive myself for anything that I do wrong. I can't hardly sleep anymore, I haven't eaten in almost 2 days now, and I constantly have this feeling of guilt over me.
I want my relationship to work so bad that I am driving this woman that I love with every square inch of my heart and soul away from me. She told me tonight that if I had just kept my word before and had not gotten mad at her, things would still be like they were months ago. We were engaged, she without a doubt loved me, and I love her too. We were planning our wedding, doing registries, and planning our site to tie the knot. Some of my friends say that I am being too hard on myself and blaming myself for everything that is wrong in my life, but who else is there to blame?
I lied to this girl. It was always the smallest things too. I never wanted her to be disappointed in me. I hold her high on a pedestal for the whole world to see, because I am so proud that she had picked me.
How do I redeem myself with her and my family? How do I find the forgiveness that I so desperately seek? How do I rebuild all the trust and respect I have lost?