OK, this is kind of aqward to right but I'm 21 with 2 kids and a partner of 4 years. I have NEVER had a orgasm. It is always the case of "his horse is over the finish line well before mine is out the starting gate" but even when he lasts its like I get bored of it and can't be bothered anymore. I'm starting to avoid sex because I really just find it boring. I have thought about "spicing things up" but my husband is not really up for that. Is it possible that some people just don't get there? I have done all the fore play etc and it just doesn't happin:mad:

Are you saying you have never had one with your H or at all?

Many women need clitorial stimulation to orgasm & one good way to find out what makes that happen for you is to experiment with yourself to see what feels best for you. This is a good item to do that with:

Amazon.com: Hand Held Personal Massager - Hitachi Magic Wand Vibrating Massager by Vibratex Deluxe Package (Attachments Colors May Vary): Health & Personal Care

If you are getting bored, that's not going to help & will hinder your ability to fully relax & enjoy yourself. When you find your mind drifting off into boredom, concentrate on not just on the physical sensations, but also the love you have for your H & vice-versa. Let it be more than just a purely physical experience for you by appreciating every sensation from & to someone that is as special to you as your H & marriage is. Start the foreplay with a relaxing bubble bath, & let yourself think back to when your relationship was new & you couldn't wait to see your H. Let your hands wander as you think about him & learn more about what sensations feel best to you.

You said you thought about spicing things up but your H isn't into that. What exactly did you mean by that?

Sounds like you both need to talk a bit more. Him running the race to the finish line while you are waiting at the starting gate is indicating a lack of communication as well as lack of knowing how to take care of a wife. Possibly a bit of self centered behaviour if he takes off to run a sprint before the race is started officially.

That however is a different situation than if you have never had an O before or since. If you can't give yourself one its going to be really hard for him to do it. Not impossible but hard. You can take 10 women and all 10 will like it differently. For example I've given a few women their first O. But it was trial and error in each case. No magic formula there... its reading the woman and helping her get into the mood.

As a disclaimer that won't work 100% of the time as there are a handful of women that have very real issues making it very difficult or impossible to have that O.

I think this happens quite frequently based on the questions we receive here.

People change as years pass, and often we would be better off with a more accomplished lover... but, I'm not telling you to cheat on your husband because you have some work to do on yourself to develop a strong orgasmic response, too.

It seems that being married with children is a real passion killer not just for women, but also for men.

IF I were you, I would turn your bedroom into a boudoir, a moody, sexual atmosphere with low lighting and no television. In addition, put a lock on the bedroom door from the inside. Have a neighborhood girl(mother's helper) take your children out to run around for a couple of hours while you and your husband relax with a glass of wine and joke around in the nude and explore each other's bodies. Don't be goal oriented and go for the genitals.

Meanwhile, get a good book on female sexuality and begin exploring your body with the intent of giving yourself orgasms.

Think of yourself as a sexual woman... don't wear underwear, when sitting, swing your leg in order to stimulate your genitals(silent masturbation), make sure your nipples get stimulation from your blouse or top as you move about doing your housework and running after the kids, be sexy all day long!

This will take some time, but it is the right track to becoming passionate. :)

Very best wishes,

I agree with the other posters. Sex & passion to be great is as much a state of mind as it is a physical experience. Being a mom & working on all the things you have to get done all day makes it hard to shift into sexy mode at night when you're exhausted. Sex becomes just another chore then instead of the treat it can & should be.

Explore your sensuality, find out what makes you feel passionate & sexy, talk to your h to have him make your physical relationship the adventure that makes it great for both of you. Get some sexy lingerie for yourself, to remind you that you are a sensual being that deserves to be pleasured.

If finances are an issue, you can find some very nice brand name silky things very reasonably priced at Ross, Marshalls, TJ Maxx & when on clearance you can really stock up cheap. They also have great prices on lotions & bath goodies too. Walmart has cheap lingerie but the quality of their stuff isn't as nice but some can be fun.

Put together some music that gets you in the mood, it's very easy to put a great playlist together. There are also some fun games that can help that are easy to find online. A glass of wine helps to relax you too.

The suggestion that you turn your bedroom into a love nest is a great one & should be followed. Teach your kids early to respect the sanctity of your bedroom so they never barge in or use the lock on the door.

Every person is different so what strokes work for one will do nothing for another. Until you learn exactly what makes you feel great, you can have a lot of fun exploring together. But your H will have to be a willing partner to help you enjoy yourself sexually & he should be, that's something that he should be happy to work on with you!

Have you talked to him about this?

Have you never had an orgasm with him but OK with others? Can you get there with self stimulation? Oral?

What does "never" mean?

Hey all, when I say never I really do mean NEVER, not with oral self or sex or anything. I have only EVER had one O, and that was because I was young and tried E, that's the only time EVER. As for fore play, its like the more we do the less longer he will last too, all up normaly this is what happins- we kiss for about 4 seconds, he says come to the bedroom, we go there, lay on the bed, he gos straight to sex and within about 1.5-2.5 min its all over. One night ( after a few drinks) I demanded more- after the first time I wanted to go longer and since he had already come I thought cool he will last longer now, so we went for it but it was like I got bored and "dryed up" within 4-5 min. its starting to drive me nuts!

Jessebearz, you're going to have to slow your man down. Most women need at least 15 minutes of foreplay to get really turned on. It could be passionate kissing, erotic teasing massage, oral or whatever turns you on. Of course he too is also getting turned on. One way to help him hold out is to have him use double condoms to cut down on the sensitivity. It's worth a try.

Not saying you can't get there... but that you cannot reach orgasm with self stim makes it more complicated. Even with a vibe?

If you cannot get yourself off, chances are your man is going to have problems too.

So he gets his fast and then he's done. Enough with that.

You need to be able to build sexual tension, believe you can hit orgasm, and you need to demand what you need. Unfortunately, you don't know what you are most responsive to.

Were you my partner, knowing you struggled with orgasm, the first thing id try is either oral to orgasm or id ask you to self stim while I added in extra stimulation at your ears, neck, etc. one of the problems is that what works great for one woman may not work for the next... meaning anything he's learned just might not be what you need. The lover before my partner loved strong clitoral stimulation with her finger or mine in missionary. My partner would smack me upside the head if I did that to her.

So... your biggest errogenous zone is your mind. If you cannot release in the moment, you'll never get there. For my partner, the best case scenario would be that she is rested, relaxed, mentally in the moment... a hot shower followed with a glass of champagne, a soft blanket by the fire is a great start. My hands over her body head to toe to build sexual tension. My mouth over her body slowly to kick it up a notch. Most likely oral to completion or close to get her at the edge.

Now... I can tell you that's best case scenario. With a child in the house, all the best things are often bypassed. Just because I know what id like to do to set her up for the best response doesn't mean it happens all the time, every time. Its just not possible.

But... that doesn't mean I don't try to optimize all the best elements as much as I can.

So... for you... there are some things to try. You need to understand when you are most sensitized and receptive to sex. My partner is a "morning girl" most of the time, for ex.

If you are properly sensitized sex doesn't necessarily need to be long. I spend probably 2-3 times longer sensitizing my partner than I do in intercourse to get her to orgasm most of the time. A survey of "sexperts" recently put the "optimal" time for sex at under 20 minutes intercourse. There are those who will disagree. Fine. To each their own.

My experience is a properly sensitized woman takes little time to reach orgasm. That said... some women show great diffuculty, and its complicated trying to understand if its mental or physical (or a combination) in etiology.

So... if you don't have a vibe, get one. Find a time when you are relaxed, have privacy, and are driven.

If you simply cannot hit orgasm, its time to talk to a doctor. Sometimes its an issue of hormones being off balance... you might need to ask to have them checked. Sometimes it's a mental block, as previous "failures" can beget more frustration.

In terms of positions, my experience is woman on top is one of the better choices. Missionary is one of the worst. Also, using a wet finger to self stim during intercourse can be a great tool. There are times when my partner needs to do this to hit orgasm... and while it might seem awkward the first time, if it gets you there, so what? When my partner self stims when I am in her I never think "im doing it wrong"... I think "my partner NEEDS this orgasm NOW" and its sexy as sin.

So... any other issues in this relationship? Things outside the bedroom OK? Do you ever have private time? Any issues in the past worth talking about?

That routine would be difficult to have an O with, for just about any woman if that is all you get. Think of it as men are microwaves, women are crockpots as far as being able to get aroused as a general rule. You guys need to make the leap from having sex to making love, to see each other's body as your private playground that has a variety of rides to enjoy getting off on.

Luckily, there are tons of great resources to help you have a LOT more fun in the bedroom.

You don't want your H to feel like he's been doing it wrong all this time, but rather encourage him to want to have a lot more fun together, which should certainly be an enjoyable experience for both of you. And focusing just on the foreplay sometimes so you get really ready to be orgasmic will make a huge difference. Both of you can learn a lot of new things that please each other that way. If you use the Google terms: women orgasm foreplay you will find a ton of helpful info.

Psychology Today: Joy With Your Underwear Down

... One of the great myths of American culture is the belief that we achieved sexual liberation in the 1960s. That was the era we convinced ourselves that sex is a natural function and gave ourselves permission to like sex.. .

The notion that sex is a natural function was actually a giant step forward from the moral degeneracy view of sex that prevailed until that time. It was so widely believed that masturbation led to moral & mental decay that Kellogg's Corn Flakes was originally marketed as a cure.

The trouble is, the belief that sex is a natural function reinforced another widely held idea: the notion that good sex just happens. We expect good sex to happen naturally, especially if we love our partner. The idea that good sex just happens, like that of sex being a natural function, is predicated on the notion that sexual response is biologically programmed for all species.

But when good sex or good sexual function doesn't happen, some couples conclude they must not love each other enough. Or they wonder if there's something really screwed up because good sex supposedly happens naturally in the absence of pathology. When the expected genital response does not materialize, you're unwittingly predisposed to jump to conclude that there is something wrong with you.

In my 16 years as a sex therapist I have found that the "naturalized" view of sex is not so liberating as it once appeared. It pressures people to have sexual desire & genital response while it makes worrying about sexual performance seem inappropriate. And it obscures what is quintessentially human about human sexuality: our capacity for intimacy. The sex that comes naturally is reproductive sex. Intimate sex, however, is a learned ability and an acquired taste.. .

We must now face the difficult notion that what many of us regard as our "most meaningful sexual experiences" are only a pale version of what we are really capable of--profoundly transcendent communion with another human being.. .

INTIMACY

Sex can express the best that humans can be & also be a powerful vehicle for getting to that point of personal development. Sex can be ecstatic, self-realizing, & self-transcendent all at once. The great feelings of self-affirmation & declaration of our personhood can make our most powerful genital sensations seem like mere trifles. Experienced together, the physiological & the psychological make a very interesting concoction.

Sex can be more than just a euphemism for "making love." It can be the actual process of increasing love, of sharing it, of whetting your appetite for it, & of celebrating life on its own terms. This process, as I will show, is actually built into the nature of committed relationships. It happens almost spontaneously; the hard part is going through it.. .

SEXUAL STYLES

Most people think of sex as something that they do. We are here redefining sex as an expression of who & what you are. Eroticism determines who you copulate with & which behaviors you like. Eroticism is what turns you on. It's the style & manner in which you want to engage your partner sexually. It is the way you want to have sex. Eroticism is not the same thing as behavior, but is expressed in the nuances of behavior. It determines not just whether you like oral sex but the style of that oral sex.

Eroticism shows up in your sexual style, & people who give play to their eroticism often find style is more important than technical skill. Technical skill is just a tool. You need enough technical skill to express a variety of intents. The most important part of eroticism is a function of personal development--the breadth of meanings you can bring to sex.

Meanings are conveyed in the minute nuances of sexual style. The more meanings you can bring to sex, the broader the possibilities for engaging your partner. The more subtleties you can have, the more novelty you can have--because there are limits to the ways to juxtapose two sets of orifices.

Sex is like a language. Some of us can converse just enough to get along, like travelers in a foreign land, limited to merely making love and/or the exaltation of body sensations. Some of us, however, are poets; we bring a large vocabulary of meanings to sex. As a wordsmith recognizes fine distinctions among words, the sexual poet can bring so much meaning to sex it takes all we can muster to figure out the meaning, even if we can't author the message the same way.. .

Achieving sexual potential requires the strength to change the rules in your relationship, usually with a reluctant partner. It's hard to do this as time goes on in a committed relationship because your partner becomes increasingly important to you (even if you don't like them). We get less willing to risk our partner's rejection, & less willing to show them a part of ourselves they have not yet seen. People often have to get to the point of desperation.

You also have to stand apart from almost everything you've ever been taught about sex, & use your own sexuality as a compass to explore what human sexuality can be. You have to follow what actually works, instead of a preconceived notion of what works. You have to become your own sexual scientist. In a sense, we are all pilgrims: Our capacity for intimacy has been around for a fraction of geologic time, & we don't yet have the owner's manual.

Long-term sexual partners can give up on themselves, or shed preconceived notions that worked (partially) only when they were younger. You have to claim your own life & your own bed, muster the courage to accept yourself, throw away the rule book, & see what works for you. It takes a tremendous amount of integrity & self-respect--often much more than people have. And yet, the challenge furthers the process of self-development.. .

THE SEXUAL CRUCIBLE

Very often, the reason we go on this ultimately liberating exploration is because our relationship is sinking. If you're able to float along with "adequate" genital functioning, you figure the old way is the right way. We want those sexual rules dear; they are our sole extant yardstick of adequacy. The difficult & frightening alternative is to believe in yourself. It usually takes sexual difficulty, sexual boredom, or the possibility of divorce to open us to a different course.

This is what I call the sexual crucible: when couples think they are falling apart, they are often on the verge of having the best sex of their lives. The fact that the relationship gets sexually boring eventually makes you push & shove in your relationship to create something new. It produces the stimulus for people to grow. It increases your level of personal development, forcing you to stand on your own two feet---or get divorced.

Sexual boredom is a dynamic part of committed relationships: It is often the catalyst in the sexual crucible, stimulating us to become people capable of having the sex we want. And in the midst of this anxious process, we stop being afraid of being anxious. Life rarely offers us the choice of being anxious or not. Adults realize that the choice is about which anxiety you're going to have.

Ironically, the path to feeling good often involves recognizing things that don't feel good at all.

Psychology Today: Beyond Orgasmatron

Beyond Orgasmatron: All you ever wanted to know about orgasm. By: Barbara Keesling

NEW FINDINGS AND RADICAL CHANGES IN OUR UNDERSTANDING OF ORGASM SHOULD MAKE IT EASIER T0 HAVE STELLAR SEX, & REAP THE MOTHER LODE OF REWARDS WE NOW KNOW COME WITH IT.

Steven & Beth are making love. They've been doing it two or three times a week for six months in much the same way: Beth lies on her back with her legs in the air. Steven kneels in front of her, inserts his penis & begins to thrust. Beth grinds her hips & moans slightly. Steven thrusts quickly for 30 seconds, moans, and having ejaculated, withdraws. They hug and lie together in the "spoon" position. Both feel mildly disappointed, but that's how they normally feel after sex. He rolls over & goes to sleep. She stays awake, feeling anxious & depressed.. .

Today, female orgasm still suffers from a kind of double standard: On one hand, we have new & expanded information about orgasm triggers. On the other hand, many women are still 'not regularly orgasmic & feel cheated, left out, inferior or resigned, because their expectation of having an orgasm is so low.. .

A Bigger Better Orgasm

Both men & woman can use the following techniques to make orgasms longer, stronger, more intense &, ultimately, more healthful.

1. GAIN PELVIC MUSCLE CONTROL. The pubococcygeal (PC) muscle group, which supports the pelvic floor, is the one that spasms when you have an orgasm. If it's in good shape, more blood will flow to the pelvic area during arousal & the PC will contract more strongly, making orgasms last longer & feel more intense. To paraphrase a statement about scientific discovery, "Orgasm favors the prepared body." Kegel exercises are a simple way to strengthen PC muscles. To do them, squeeze the muscle you use to voluntarily hold back your urine. Hold for two seconds & then release. Repeat 20 times, three times a day.

2. CONTROL VOLUNTARY MOVEMENTS IN SEX. You may already realize that some of the phenomena happening to your body during sex are under your control. While you cannot voluntarily increase & decrease your heart rate, you can take charge of various voluntary activities & thereby improve your sexual sensations.

As you approach orgasm, try speeding up your breathing & alternately tensing & relaxing your arm or leg muscles. During another session of lovemaking, practice squeezing or fluttering your PC muscle. The main behavioral principle is to choose one physical aspect of orgasm that you can control & overpractice it. Soon you will have trained your body so that all of these responses will work together effortlessly & occur spontaneously during future orgasms.

3. MONITOR YOUR AROUSAL LEVELS. As you make love, note your arousal levels on a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 being orgasm. As you reach each level, briefly stop & allow your arousal to subside so that rather than shooting straight for the moon, your arousal rises in a wave-like pattern. This technique, known as peaking, results in intense orgasms, possibly because it optimizes endorphin release.

In a related exercise, plateauing, squeeze your PC muscle, change your breathing, change your focus or change your speed in order to stay at high arousal levels for a long time prior to orgasm. Learning peaking & plateauing with a partner helps you develop a shared language of arousal & orgasm.

Excellent points KP & also very good questions. :)

As pointed out, the amt of time it would take to have a mind blowing orgasm varies & depends on different factors. Each individual has their own preference. The amt of sexual tension / buildup (such as sexy teasing calls / emails during the day), the amt of time since the last time sex took place can make a huge difference in how much foreplay is need / wanted to get to the big O. Some people under their ideal conditions will take more or less time than someone else & that's OK too. If nothing else, sex & passion is as individual as it gets.

But it really is important for you to learn what does make you go over the edge & self exploration is certainly one way but ultimately, you will need to show / teach your H what makes it an experience that you can't wait to do again & again & again.

Sex can be boring, passionate love making never is.