I'm an 18 year old girl who has spent most of my life battling bouts of depression.
I'm physically healthy and have decent self esteem, but I truly am a hermit so to speak.
I find it rather difficult to even find any "want" to meet new people, even though I am discontent with the people I do associate with.
I feel rather apathetic towards everything.
I constantly blow off plans with friends and family, and even appointments.
Everything that I want to do, I just don't do.
I feel like I have learned too much in too short a period, that I feel like an old woman with nothing to live for.
I'm not suicidal, I have aspirations, I have goals for my life, but I just seem to be going nowhere.
I have social anxiety issues, yet I HATE being alone.
I'm so tired of being alone.
I just want someone to love.
Just one person.
I latch on to every person who shows interest in me, and then 90% of the time they leave me hanging high and dry, no matter how much effort and time I put into the "relationship".
I have severe privacy issues and I don't trust anyone due to this.
I hide my emotions to the ones I love, and "lash out" on strangers.
I've tried to get mental help but I either skip out on appointments, or a councelor is too busy to see me.
I don't want to take medication to make me feel better.
I just don't know how to get over this hump. No matter how positive I try to make my life, I always bring myself right back down, (unless something/someone else does.)
I'm rather hopeless at this point.
But I'm all eyes and ears to good advice.

Hello Lonely,

I'd like to tell you that I could have written your letter years ago. I'm sorry that you are in such pain and turmoil. I want you to know that things can get better. Do you have a supportive family?
If there are drug or alcohol issues or other issues that isolate you and increase your sensitivity to "Privacy issues"or Emotional, physical or sexual abuse ? If so I really urge you to talk to a professional and keep going back. I found that when I broke appointments
It was because I was really frightened that some one would really see my imperfections
And not accept me. I found out that people actually liked me for who I was, warts and all.
After years of severe depression I took prozac for 6 months. And it seemed to "Reset" my mind. I'm not saying you need drugs or anything else but take healthy help where you can. Please do not look to others as a quick fix for you that only leads to more pain and isolation. And PLEASE Do not get pregnant until you feel OK. I could talk at greater length
And I'm sure more eloquent writers will contact you. I have a 18 year old daughter myself who is struggling (As all young people seem to do). You seem very intelligent and I'm sure you are. Please reach out and share the real you with the world. You will be surprised and the people you are honest with will be moved and inspired.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Lonely Soul

I'm an 18 year old girl who has spent most of my life battling bouts of depression.
I'm physically healthy and have decent self esteem, but I truly am a hermit so to speak.
I find it rather difficult to even find any "want" to meet new people, even though I am discontent with the people I do associate with.
I feel rather apathetic towards everything.
I constantly blow off plans with friends and family, and even appointments.
Everything that I want to do, I just don't do.
I feel like I have learned too much in too short a period of time, that I feel like an old woman with nothing to live for.
I'm not suicidal, I have aspirations, I have goals for my life, but I just seem to be going nowhere.
I have social anxiety issues, yet I HATE being alone.
I'm so tired of being alone.
I just want someone to love.
Just one person.
I latch on to every person who shows interest in me, and then 90% of the time they leave me hanging high and dry, no matter how much effort and time I put into the "relationship".
I have severe privacy issues and I don't trust anyone due to this.
I hide my emotions to the ones I love, and "lash out" on strangers.
I've tried to get mental help but I either skip out on appointments, or a councelor is too busy to see me.
I don't want to take medication to make me feel better.
I just don't know how to get over this hump. No matter how positive I try to make my life, I always bring myself right back down, (unless something/someone else does.)
I'm rather hopeless at this point.
But I'm all eyes and ears to good advice.

---

Hi, Me again. Have you had a physical recently ? Many ailments could explain your ennui.
Good luck!

Just in case you might not know what "ennui" means, it's listlessness and dissatisfaction resulting from lack of interest; boredom.

The above definition being quoted from the following site: ennui: Definition, Synonyms and Much More from Answers.com

Thanks to you fored, I just learned a new word here!

Thanks! :)

Lonely Soul, I personally would like to know the kinds of things that you are "into" that you enjoy doing. Are you perhaps into the arts of any kind, like visual, writing or performing arts? Please let us know. If you are, then there are quite a few people on this site with whom you might form a bond and who can also give you excellent advice and "shoulders on which to lean" because of your temperament because of being an artist of some kind.

Thanks! :)

Hi Clough, Thanks for your note. Are you shy ? And I was interested in your comment about feeling like an old woman. Would you mind sharing what that is about for you ? I used to feel ancient but was a result of post traumatic stress. I hope your day goes well. If I'm pestering you with my notes/questions/suggestions let me know. By the way do you feel bad seasonally ? My depression would get worse in October when there was less sunshine. But if some one is closed indoors all day it could have the same effect. And finally when you say counselor are you speaking of a school guidance counselor of a mental health type ? Hang in there...

This is a general response to fored and Clough, thanks for the advice and interest:
(A little more about myself... )

Well I don't have many ailments, but I do have Lyme's disease and back problems.
I'm also really tall, I'm 5'10 and a half, so it's really hard for me to meet a guy, (at least around here.) They show sexual interest most often, but never anything more in depth.
(Which is all I really want in the end.)
Typically, I'm not sober often.
I'm only addicted to cigarettes, and I can live without drugs, I just choose not to.
My father was a heroin addict so I keep away from that stuff. I keep away from most hard drugs, for that matter.
I don't really look at my drug use as a problem, but some do.
I hate to say it, but I can picture myself using drugs for the rest of my life.
As for art, I used to spend a lot of time drawing and painting, I would paint landscapes and people for leisure, but now I don't do anything of the sort unless I'm really high on something or attending an art class at school.
The one thing I do thoroughly enjoy is playing guitar and singing.
But where I live there is no opportunity in that department.
I'm mainly interested in writing. I have books upon books filled with stories, songs and poetry that I have written myself.
My writing skills are one of the few things I actually take pride in, and it makes me feel good when people agree.
But that's not really why I'm here.

I completely lie to EVERYONE about how I am feeling most of the time. I don't even like half of my friends, I'm only nice to them so I have someone to spend time with when I'm alone. If I could have it my way, I would stop talking to everyone except for my best friend, but he has his own problems, too.
I don't call family members to wish them a happy birthday, I don't even want to visit my father in the hospital for his recent surgery due to his addiction.
I guess this has developed from being alone so often.

I really feel like if I met someone that I could be content in a relationship with, then a lot of these crappy feelings and habits would subside.
I constantly daydream of how nice it would be to have someone who loved me to wake up besides every morning.
I just really, really can't be alone for long periods of time; I begin to feel helpless, insignificant and yeah. Pretty much any other word that a human wouldn't enjoy labeling themselves.

But you never know,
Maybe you guys know better.
Thanks for your help.

PS I feel like an old woman because my body constantly aches, I get tremendous headaches from overthinking, and I just feel like I've experienced a good 50 years of life within a mere 18 years. Mentally for the most part.

Lonely Soul, Thank You ! Thank You ! Thank You ! For such an honest answer ! I don't think you lie all the time. And I can understand the disconnect you feel with others given your family history. I know this sounds like a cliché but you have certanly have had your share of problems to deal with. It may be that part of the problem is drug/alcohol induced. I know from experience that alcohol use can cause paranoia mistrust and lethargy. And I hear you about wanting to be with someone (We all want that).
It sounds as if some behaviors are self-defeating. I'm not judging you just talking to you.
I know that if I drink, that becomes a kind of relationship that I don't want interrupted by well meaning friends or family. (By the way 5'10" is not all that tall and if a guy likes you he's not going to let that get in his way - But I digress !). If most of the people you hang with are drinking / using they are not going to be focused on a deeper relationship at all.
You have a right to feel old. You are dealing with too much stuff that is not of your making. I hope you don't compound it by creating more problems. I'll write more. I'm concerned about you and wish the very best for you ! Write back any time.

P.S. Lyme disease as well as alcohol can account for your body aching. Are you sure the infection has been treated properly ? Best !:)

-- written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s --
Not "Found in Old St. Paul's Church"! -- see below

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
And remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
Be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
And listen to others,
Even to the dull and the ignorant;
They too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
They are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
You may become vain or bitter,
For always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
It is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
For the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
Many persons strive for high ideals,
And everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
For in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
It is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
Gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
Be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
No less than the trees and the stars;
You have a right to be here.
And whether it is clear to you,
No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
Whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
In the noisy confusion of life,
Keep peace in your soul.


With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
It is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.