My husband and I have been together for over 5 years and married for almost 1 year. We recently just got full custody of his 2 beautiful children. Which, yes like any children are a handful, but they are wonderful and its so fun being a family together...
What my question is now, is that since we have had the kids I can not get my husband to have sex with me. I have tried everything. He says that its just that he is "tired" and that he will make it up to me... I finally got it out of him that he says that his sex drive is just not there right now and that he wants to go see a doctor. But, I just don't know if that's the truth.
Trust me I have tried everything! I wear sexy clothes, new toys, videos, being romantic, etc. I am worried that the same reason he left his ex is happening to me now? When he left her he said it was because their sex life was terrible and that he just wasn't attracted to her anymore and they always argued. I feel like we are getting in that same rutt now...
What do I do to turn this around? I just want my husband back. I fell that we are slipping away from each other.
Please help... thanks for your time!

Was it her that caused the sex life to fail or him?? Sounds a little like history repeating itself.

Discuss this with him about your concerns about the lack of sex-he needs to discuss this with you bEFORE seeing the doctor-what will he be seeing the doctor for? I think that's an excuse.

Granted kids cause sex lives to flounder, but this is a l;ittle more than that I sense...

Cheers

May I ask how old your husband is? I read some of your other posts but didn't find any mention of ages. However, in another post you mentioned that his exwife is a terrible mother, does drugs, argues, etc. I believe that's what happened to their sex life. It sounds like you're just the opposite.

Yeah she is a terrible person and mother. So, that is why they broke up. And, yes, we are opposite, however I just don't want history to repeat itself. Anyway, I am 24 and my husband is almost 27.

I think children in the house is a real passion killer for many couples. (Living together is also a passion killer if you read all the posts here at AMHD Sexuality Board)

I think you have to do what I just advised another lady today... make your bedroom a boudoir, moody lighting and colors, no distractions, a lock on the door from the inside, two glasses and a bottle of wine... mirrors... have a neighborhood girl(mother's helper) take the kids out to run around and laugh and enjoy each other in the nude for a couple of hours while sipping a single glass of wine.

That's the first thing I would do...

That's why us experts are here, girl. Thank you. :)

Choux answer echoes my first thoughts... this has happened since the kids are around, right?

Nothing like a complete lack of privacy and being tired to kill libido. Either of those will shut my partner down. Both is almost disaster.

When I married my wife I moved into a home with a 12 year old girl whose bedroom was nearly directly below ours. It was an emotional train wreck. I could not mentally relax and let go. My wife thought I was uninterested. It was also compounded by the fact that she and I have different "drive times"... meaning she likes sex early in the AM and I love sex at night. We kept missing each other.

Id gone from living in a great, spaceous house where I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to suddenly feeling always "almost caught". Before, I didn't have to worry about time of day. Where in the house. There were no restrictions. No barriers. Complete freedom and spontaneity.

So... we wound up rearranging rooms... put the daughter in the upstairs bedroom. She had more space and privacy (and couldn't sneak out in those teen years. Bonus!) and we also had more privacy and control. Later, we moved and bought a house that better allowed us some personal space of our own.

Likewise, as mentioned, we took advantage of times when the kids were busy with activities, family, friends. We made date nights where there was late or all night childcare and we got a room. First time we did this, my son was just 2 years old and we were just 5 min from home... a waste of money on the hotel room? no.

Stepping out of your house and into a new place without the restraints is a great way to reconnect. We don't do this all the time, but we do try to do this 4-5 times a year. It honestly helps.

Once we just had grandma take our son to lunch. no... its not as romantic as an evening by the fire, taking your time to work through a bottle of wine and slowly build sexual tension... but sometimes you need to take what you can.

Having a good sex life with kids around is harder. It takes more work and planning. It doesn't just happen. But you, and he, can still find ways to build sexual tension. Knowing the other person still desires you, even when it isn't as easy to get time to make some time, can help ease the frustration.

Something else to consider... unsure what you like and don't like in bed, but a suggestion. One thing we also did during this time, and still do some, when we want to connect and keep the drive strong, but just cannot privacy for intercourse that isn't muted and restricted, is pleasuring the other partner with oral or hand stimulation... and often doing this in moments of surprise.

For ex, my partner might sneak into the bathroom and wait for me to step out of the shower. I know its all about giving me pleasure when she pulls me to her. Likewise, if I wake my partner up at 4AM with light kisses and pull her to the edge of the bed, I'm going to make it all about her in that moment.

I think partners shouldn't rely solely on oral or hand stim to satisfy their sexual needs, but it can be a powerful way to direct your attention right at your partner, keep the good sexual tension present, and have something to smile about the rest of the day.

Only other note id add is libido can be killed by stress, and this also ties into health issues. The loss of privacy is just one angle. Couple to this any issues with stress (raising children brings stress into the relationship), money (kids cost cash), a loss of private space (no personal, individual "cave time"), etc... and it doesn't take much to shut down a drive.

The first year of a marriage can be stressful. There's a lot to deal with. The more you can manage the rest of your life, the better things will be. It frees you to let go, to release. And as much as we talk about the woman needing to be able to mentally relax and be in the moment, a lot of issues with men are also tied to the mental side.

He can be happy and still not properly primed.

So make sure you are working and talking through all areas of your marriage... it doesn't have to be a "Look We Need to Talk" talk... but its easy to let life push you around.

If you aren't taking time together without the kids, try it. If you aren't taking time alone, away from each other, do it. Talk about finances. Talk about goals. Talk about vacations.

If he sees a doctor he should be asking about the following things...

How is his blood pressure? His vascular health? How are his hormone levels, particularly testosterone. Drops in hormones are often overlooked or neglected.

If he isn't exercising, he should be. Regular exercise alone can help with libido and issues with ED. If he smokes and drinks a lot, he should moderate this. Both can hurt. He should be taking a good multivitamin. He should be getting good sleep. Just because he is sleeping doesn't mean its quality, deep sleep. If he is tired after a long rest, he might ask to have his sleep pattern looked at.

Glad you are searching for answers. I hope he is receptive to open, honest talk. Like I said... it takes deliberate work sometimes to stay connected when life is getting in the way.

A great first step is to stop thinking of foreplay as something that takes place right before intercourse for just a few minutes. There are a lot of things that can be done in front of kids that can keep the sexual juices flowing. Neck massages, holding hands, all sorts of touch not involving the genitals.

Once you get in the habit of not being affectionate & lose playful touch & kisses, it's much easier for the sex to do downhill fast because you get out of the habit of enjoying yourselves that way together.

Getting him a checkup won't hurt either. But talking things out constructively will be a huge help too.