Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend loves me, I have done nothing wrong, but she wants a breakup?

Hello, all. Ceph here. First post, just throwing that out there...

Well, my girlfriend of 3 years has recently (say, in the past few months) decided that she felt we shouldn't be together. [By the way, I'm 21, she's 20, and we have spent all of our college years together.] I asked her what was wrong, and she said, "Nothing." She told me that I didn't do anything wrong, and that she still loves me. She loves both hanging out with me AND the intimate contact, which confuses me. She broke up with me a couple months ago, and her only reasoning is that she feels that she should be alone for the rest of her life, and that she WANTS to be in a relationship (and I can only see great things for the future if it were to continue) but feels like she can't. Not that she's inadequate, but that she gets this weird feeling. She said all this as though it were a permanent breakup, not just a break for space and thought-gathering.

After we broke up, she still treated me as though we were still going out. We might as well have been going out! We were all over each other as usual and we had a great time hanging out watching movies, playing video games, eating out, etc. The only difference is that she was back to her old, happy self, as though nothing was wrong. I told her that with the way we've been acting, we were basically boyfriend and girlfriend. She agreed, and it seemed to confuse her as well.

I feel so unsatisfied not having an answer as to why she feels this way... it seems unfair to both of us that she has these inhibitions. She's gone to a counselor before and that counselor just told her that it may be subconsciously due to the messed up relationships/divorces her mother had, or it may not; the counselor told her if she wants to break up, she should. I'd be so much more willing to accept the breakup if there was a clear or actual reason for it. Like, for instance, if she didn't like my personality. Even if she just wanted to see other people, I'd be satisfied. At least I'd have a straight, comprehensible answer. Not even a half hour ago I was face to face with her, convincing her that I wanted to get to the bottom of this issue, and that it would be severely unjust to just give up on figuring out what's wrong.

We are currently "going out" again (after a lengthy, tiring discussion) but only to figure out what makes it not feel right to her. I thought this was the best thing to do, but after reading some of the other threads, it seems like I made a mistake in convincing her to give it a second try. I'm afraid this might make things worse now, but I'm trying my best to root out the main problem. I don't think I'm being selfish, either; I don't want her to be alone for the rest of her life (even though that may not be the case). She plans on seeing a male counselor to get a second opinion and maybe some answers/help. Our second try has been determined to only last for exactly one month, and if after that nothing has improved, it's kaput. I really only want to understand what's going on.

Thank you very much for listening. Any advice would greatly appreciated.

You did the wrong thing by convincing her to give you a trial period. You should have backed off completely, made her miss you a little if nothing else. She needs to find her feet on her own. Its pretty selfish of her to break things off with you and then still act like your girl. You don't need a reason as to why she's broken up with you, just the pure fact that she has says everything you need to know.

Do yourself a favor let her get all the help she needs without you waiting in the wings for her. Your only option now is to break all means of contact with this girl.. it'll give you both the head space that you need.

Ceph,

You sound like you have a level head about this and are willing to accept whichever way it goes. I think there is one thing you need to understand - the answer you are looking for, you may never get. It happened to me, and I can't be the only one - I was broken up with after a few years and was never given a real answer as to why. I still don't really have a clear cut answer, but after a while it doesn't even matter.

Looking for answers and closure generally doesn't help, nor does it happen often. Sometimes its best to just accept that it happened and move on. You can try this again, but don't be disappointed if you end up no further than you are now...

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After we broke up, she still treated me as though we were still going out

This is where you may have made a big mistake, as you should have disappeared from her life, instead of prolonging the inevitable. Now you have to drag this thing out and the doubts and confusion that comes with it.

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I feel so unsatisfied not having an answer as to why she feels this way... it seems unfair to both

It is unfair to you both as nothing is defined or understood, neither of you knows and sometime s its best to stop poking for answers that's just not their.

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She plans on seeing a male counselor to get a second opinion

Not that you've done anything wrong, but she has issues you can't help with, and needs space whether she knows it, or not.

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Our second try has been determined to only last for exactly one month, and if after that nothing has improved, it's kaput. I really only want to understand what's going on.

I don't think the time is right for the both of you, as she has to work on herself, and you need to get on with your own life. You'll never understand her until, she understands herself so, give her what she needs, and not just what you want. She will get it together sooner or later, without your help.

I have to agree that backing off is probably going to be best especially if you asked what was wrong & she says "nothing".

She either knows what is bothering her & doesn't want to tell you or doesn't have a clear answer to give you other than she wants out for now. In either case, there is really nothing you can do without some better input from her & an indication that being together matters to her. And you are getting mixed signals about that.

Going to the counselor may help sort out her feelings, confusion or ambivalence about being in a relationship & then you two may be able to have more productive talks about staying together or not.

Until then, giving her some breathing room, don't be at her beck & call so you can take good care of yourself while preparing yourself for her to keep wanting to move on without being in a relationship.

This is going to sound really weird because you didn't mention anything about this but did she see anyone else while you were together? It sounds like the behavior of my brother's ex about the time they broke up. We found out she was seeing someone else and figured she didn't want to tell my brother so she just broke it off with him instead. She never gave him an explanation, just said that she needed to be alone for a while. I think not having an explanation is the hardest thing because you don't know if you did anything wrong. I would try to move on though, if I were you.

I should also say that my brother didn't know she was seeing someone else. Some of my friends and I had seen her with other people and left it up to her to tell him. She never did.

You already have some great advice up top... but yeah, whenever a girl "needs space" it's either she's fallen out of love... or is wanting to see someone else.

... give her the space she wants, move on, and don't be all too surprised if she's around with some other guy anytime soon.

She feels the way she does because she feels at 21 what if there is something out there for her whether it is another guy, or a careeer she should be pursuing, or something she feels she won't pursue if she is concentrating on a relationship. Years ago girls used to say they wanted to break up because they ''wanted to go find their self'' That is basically what she is feeling. It isn't you it is that she feels she is holding back from what she might want to do with her life. She is feeling her life is wrapped up in you and she is losing her identity and individuality. I know when I am in a relationship I can not think about or picture what I want to do with my life or what I would want to do if I wasn't in a relationship and she might need time to do that.
Give her the time and space she needs and do not come off as controlling, pushy or needy cause it will only confuse her more. Right now she needs moral support and encouragement.

Thank you guys so much for your help. It means a lot to me! I've decided to go with the complete opposite of my original proposition... a separation period. I told her that it would be best if we didn't come in contact with each other for a while, just to clear the air and not have a constant reminder of our issues. I feel a lot better about this, now, too... I mean, it may suck, but it's for the best. Thanks again, you were a big help.

Good decision,

In a short while you will be thinking more clearly about this and have good direction in your head about what you need to do. Its easy to have clouded judgment after something like this happens, and time away from each other to let the dust settle is just what you need.