Man, my girl, her friend, and her brother are gone to the bar and I'm all alone going crazy. I have tried to stay busy, but that's not working at all. Of course, by my other posts we're having a lot of problems and I'm just freaking out. Yeah, I messed up a lot... I lied to her, put her in a bad spot when my service weapon went off by accident, and a bunch of other stuff... I can't think of her being with someone else. We've been together what seems like forever... We were engaged just 2 months ago and I went and F'd that up, then everything else I did on top of that. She's told me that there's a chance that we can work things out, and then tells me that she wants to see other people... Yeah there's an age difference of almost 4 years and I understand how a 24 year old is going to act sometimes, but how can I earn her trust back? I got to keep this girl... I know most of you are going to say split and go with NC... but I can't do that with this girl, she's the absolute love of my life and I can't lose her to a bunch of BS...

... you think worrying about it nonstop and doing random things such as calling her, crying, begging's going to get her back?

... really, do you? Be honest.

I know it won't, but I got to try my hardest to get her back into my arms. That's why it's driving me crazy. I know its not doing me any good to just set here and worry about it, but I don't know how to get it off my mind.

Let me ask you a question then...

What does "trying your hardest" entail. I ask you this because I was in the same spot (arguably, not in such a complicated mess that you're in, but I was also pacing back and forth at 4 - 5am in the library) and I thought... worried... cried...

But really, what can you do to win her back?

It's a Friday night. Get one of your buddies, and get out. Go to a bar, and just chill. Don't drink too much, or you'll end up doing something stupid... if you do, at least give your phone to someone so you don't make stupid calls.

Man, I'm already too drunk to drive.. I don't need to go to a bar at all.

Trying my hardest right now entails me letting her know that I'm here for her... not too much though. I came clean with everything that I had said or done. Today she asked me a very difficult question and instead of just weaseling my way out of it, I told her the honest truth.

I changed jobs so I could better take care of her... making a lot more money... told her that if she doesn't want to work anymore then she doesn't have to... but she doesn't trust me enough to quit her job.

I started doing the little things again... rubbing her feet, giving her massages, giving her space when she says something... I started having more PDA with her...

But right now, what else can you do, other than leaving it alone, and letting it work itself out, can you do?

You told her how you felt. You told her how you messed up, you apologized, and you've told her how you'll fix it.

What else are you left with?

Nothing I guess. Maybe I should just let it go and see what happens.

There you go. We advise everyone to do NC because... time usually takes care of everything. Anything you do past telling her what you feel... apologizing... telling her how you'll change..

It'll only make things worse. Now the ball's in her court.

Yeah, I just hope the judges ruling is in my favor.

She came home around 130 am and was in a completely different mood. She told me thank you for allowing her to have some space and time with her friends. She assured me that nothing happened, and her brother backed her up so I know it's true. She told me that she never intended to do anything with other guys, but she was just saying it because she wanted to get a rise out of me. Actually, she said that she had a horrible time and hates the memory of the single life. She was very sweet and told me that she does love me, but she just needed a night to herself. I have to respect that because even sometimes I need time alone too. I still don't exactly know what she is thinking in her heart of hearts, but I feel something coming up and it's not exactly bad either. Also, she was not drunk at all, even though I was a little, but she understood that I have had a lot of pressure on me recently and didn't really say much about it.

Good. Now imagine if it did get a rise out of you.

Yeah, I know... I would have been furious and we would have just fought more. She was pretty drunk and of course yelling for me every 10 minutes or so, but that's okay. She would do the same for me.

So, she was or wasn't drunk? Either way - us girls can be difficult sometimes, sometimes the waters get tested and it's not easy on the men (sometimes you do the same to us though). You have to have that mentality to just give the space - what will be will be whether you stress out over it or not (easy to say I know). Maybe you are being a little toooooo readily available. Sometimes that can be a problem with a relationship, sometimes it causes a suffocation feeling and then the 'back off' effect comes. I don't know.. just guessin' for you - Good luck! : )

She was drunk. It's hard not to be readily available when we live together. I realize that no matter what I do, she's going to do what she wants to. I tried to leave last night and she told me I couldn't... She just acts like this is so easy. She acts like none of this even matters anymore. I don't know how to react to all of this at all. She says that there is a chance that we can fix things, but she needs time and will see other people during that time. I just can't handle that right now. We've been together for almost 5 years which would have been next month. She says that is the only way she can cope with this... I guess finding someone else to fill the void or something. I don't know though... I know what I did to get to where I am, but I just don't know how to fix it.

I see you are your own worst enemy, and when your drinking its worse. Do you ever go back and see how much importance you put on her, and her actions, and how little regard your feelings are??

No way you can have a happy, loving, caring, relationship, until you treat yourself better.

Thank you. I have a little problem with the drinking sometimes... it's not something that I really like to do, but sometimes it's my only way to escape. I actually started picking up my writing again. I forgot I could do that. I guess treating myself better and not holding her to such high standards would probably help... I just got to find out where to start. I have pretty much avoided her all day long. I stayed in the office until just a few minutes ago. I came out of the office and she asked me why I was dressed so nice (not really nice... just a collared shirt, my boots and jeans) and I told her that it makes me feel good. I guess that's the first step in treating myself better. When I told her that, she came towards me and smiled really big. And it's the first time I felt good in a while..

So okay, I left her alone all day yesterday. I let her approach me and avoided her as much as possible. Last night she sent me an email and I think there's a good chance that we can fix this after reading this email. It does confuse me a little because she didn't feel this way on Saturday.

Dear ******

I don't know where to really start. I know that we're not where we once were and it sucks. I am so weak when it comes to you. I love you so much and want nothing more than things to work out. I know this is very hard for you, and believe it or not this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. You carried me so far sometimes. You held me up when I couldn't walk, and as you said, You carried me when I couldn't crawl.

We used to be so happy. I was so excited when you asked me to marry you. You don't know it, but all I did is just cry for days after that. I cried because I was so happy and relieved. I never thought you would ask me, I thought you were just going to keep waiting and waiting. It's so hard to see you in the pain you're in because I do love you so much and it hurts. You're my best friend, you're the person who is always there for me when I have needed you, but sometimes you're distant and I just can't handle that.

I wish things were different. We shouldn't be in the position we're in. Just like you say, we should be happy and we should be just as close as we were two years ago. Thank you for giving me space today. This has helped clear my mind. I know it's not easy to be in the same house or even room with me right now. It's hard for me to know that you're sitting in another room. I just want to go in there and tell you how I feel, but I am afraid that you're going to just push me away at this point. I'm so sorry that I was talking to that other guy. The last day that I talked to him, I looked at him and I said "you could never be who my true love is, so stop trying to take advantage of me." He just looked at me and asked where it was coming from. I told him that I knew he was just trying to take advantage of me, and I had someone at home who would never do that. I walked away and that was it.

But anyway, I love you and I hope we can work this out. I want you to know that if your heart can still be in this, mine can be too.

Love you always,

*****

Don't forget the flowers... speaks volumes

Sometimes the harder you try the harder you push away what you are trying for
Like you chasing someone means they must be running.
Don't chase you will only give her reason to justify why she wants away!

Yeah, I'm working on that one. I'm excited about getting this email, but she changes her mind every other minute sometimes. I can set and talk about what I know I need to do and how to do it, but until I actually show some initiative, it's not going to improve things.

Today I had lunch with her and I seen the look in her eyes like I used to. The eyes that I used to get lost in every time I looked at them. She told me that she loves me, and she's dedicated to this... not only for me or for her, but us. This made me feel very good about things. I don't know where we're going to go from here though. I don't know if things will fall apart again either... I just got to figure out how to keep it from happening like this again.