Ask Me Help Desk - In love with husbands best friend

I have myself in a very difficult situation & I am trying to figure out what to do. I am really looking for some honest insight & advice here.

I started my relationship with my now husband 7 years ago via the internet. The 1st day we met in person was the day he moved to Michigan from Florida to live with me when we were both 18. We were young & dumb & at first things were great. That lasted for about 5 months. He then devoted all of his time to playing video games & losing job after job. He also had a temper & started to ignore me all together no to mention that he is a compulsive liar. The smallest little thing & it is a lie. From where he was born all the way to what he ate for breakfast. I did everything I could to try & make it work. I bought him everything he could ever ask for & spent all of my time trying to please him to no avail. I had come to the conclusion that I was going to break up with him & then his best friend & his girlfriend moved up to Michigan as well & moved in with us. A few weeks after they moved in with us I found out I was pregnant with our 1st child. After he was born I was still very unhappy but wanted to make it work. After all he left everything behind for me (or so he said) so I felt guilty plus there is a child involved now.

Skipping forward 2 years I find out I am pregnant again & things seem to be doing OK. No fighting but we are still struggling financially which is always hard. He is still losing job after job (getting fired). Still playing video games & on top of that he doesn't help with our son or the house cleaning. He asks me to marry him & for the sake of the now 2 children I agree.

Another 3 years down the road his best friend & girlfriend split up. She leaves to go back to Florida & he continues to live with us. We now have our 3rd and final child. I turn to his friend now for advice because I am still so unhappy. I have always been close with his friend & he has been more involved with my 3 children than their father. He has a steady job & is vested not to mention that he cleans up around the house. He is a great listener & an over all great guy. He does so many things for me & my children while daddy does nothing. Anyway, I went to him for advice because I found out that my husband had signed up for single sites & was also talking to more than 20 woman on the internet. This was it for me. I was broken down, worn out & tired of all the lies & stress. All the best friend had to say was he just wanted was to see me & the kids happy. The lies my husband had told also put stress on the relationship they had with each other & he could relate to my situation.

Cutting to the chase the best friend & I continue to talk & get closer. He finally came out & told me that he has had feelings for me for quite some time. He talks about how he loves my kids & wants me to be happy. I share those feelings & watching him interact with my children is great for me and them. They are #1 in my life. I don't want them to grow up thinking that the way there father is as a person is OK. He is a horrible role model. I don't want my daughter to think that she should settle for a man like the one I picked either.

So basically here is my question. The best friend makes me & my children happy. He would lay down his life for us & is willing to step in & step up. He has been in their lives since they were all born & they slip up & call him daddy some times. He is willing to let his 18 year friendship with my husband go. My husband is aware that I want a divorce & he is aware that we have feelings for each other. Because of this, in the past month he has tried to step up & help with the house & the kids. My problem is that he just now thinks I am serious about the divorce & that is the only reason he is doing this. I have threatened numerous times & he always goes back to doing the same old thing. He is begging me for another chance. Should a break down try again & possibly end up in the same boat. Or should I leave & take my chance at happiness for me & my children.

He sounds just like my ex (except instead of the video games it was his buddies)
Trust me it doesn't get any better. It stays in the same mess and only gets worse.
I stuck it out with my x 'for the sake of the kids' Often that is a big mistake.
He is abusing you by not being the support you need physically, financially, mentally, emotionally he is not there, he is detached and in his own world. He is cheating by giving these 20 some women the attention he should be devoting to you and your family.

My x always promised he would change and when he thought I was serious about leaving or I did leave he would do things to get me back and then within three weeks to three months it never failed he was back to his same old ways, often even worse.
Guys like this are creatures of habit and they CAN NOT change, they do not know HOW to change and short of a miracle or a mediator they NEVER will change.
It is not good to leave somebody for someone else but in your case you have given him plenty of warning through the years and to stay with him is just prolonging the inevitable.

There are so many red flags to this story, as the first is accepting his shortcomings, and staying with him despite that. So now your unhappy, and have latched on to his friend, who has been undermining this whole relationship. Not good. Instead of working with your man, you seek another for support.

Leave if you must, but know and realize why your doing it and don't put all the blame on him, whether he was a jackass, or not because these are the choices you made.

Jumping from one man to another is not your solution, nor is it the example you want to set.

Think also of the circumstances this so-called friend came to live with you, so he wasn't gold either, and you may just be his way of dealing with his own problems. You and him haven't stood the test of time and you may be rushing to him as you did with your husband.

You need to see this more clearly, without either of them influencing you. I understand your predicament, but I don't seem to see what you've done so far to work on it. So I wait with bated breath, for your response.

I agree that your H may never change but you had plenty of red flags before you got to this point with all your kids.

I also agree that your H's "friend" isn't as helpful as you want to think right now either. Instead of playing knight in shining armor to you, he could have been working on his friend, your H, to help him be a better husband & father instead of working on you. At this point he's having at least an emotional affair with you in your H's own home which you are going along with. Cheating is never a good start to a good relationship.

It is scary to think of being on your own with your kids, but it sounds like you need to figure out a lot of things for yourself before being emotionally ready for any sort of relationship that will be worth having. You let a guy you'd never met in person move in & now are ready to jettison him for what looks like a better deal (& may be). But you let your H treat you badly all this time, you can't blame him for that only for making the choices he did.

Knowing what you don't want in a relationship isn't the only thing that will make things permanently better for you & your kids. Knowing what a good relationship needs is important too. Honesty is very high on top of the list. A man that can cheat on his friend isn't much of a friend & to be able to do it under the same roof shows at least that he is very capable of a level of dishonesty that you will not want to live with when you are on the receiving end of it, as is likely to happen. Did his girlfriend leaving having anything to do with him being such a "good friend" to you?

Being with someone because you are afraid to be on your own isn't a solid basis for a good relationship either. Let him stay as your roommate if you must but stay in separate rooms, don't become or stay sexually involved with him & step back from getting any more involved before you can resolve all the issues that contributed to the mess of the marriage you are enduring now from your side of the fence. All those are not your H's fault, you were part of that equation too. Take the time to learn about good healthy relationships, proper boundaries, how communication works in a partnership, etc, as well as more about yourself & the choices you made that got you where you are today.

Good luck!

Tell us the good things about your husband now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by marlana24

I have my self in a very difficult situation & I am trying to figure out what to do. I am really looking for some honest insight & advice here.

I started my relationship with my now husband 7 years ago via the internet. The 1st day we met in person was the day he moved to Michigan from Florida to live with me when we were both 18. We were young & dumb & at first things were great. That lasted for about 5 months. He then devoted all of his time to playing video games & loosing job after job. He also had a temper & started to ignore me all together no to mention that he is a compulsive liar. The smallest little thing & it is a lie. From where he was born all the way to what he ate for breakfast. I did everything I could to try & make it work. I bought him everything he could ever ask for & spent all of my time trying to please him to no avail. I had come to the conclusion that I was going to break up with him & then his best friend & his girlfriend moved up to michigan as well & moved in with us. A few weeks after they moved in with us I found out I was pregnant with our 1st child. After he was born I was still very unhappy but wanted to make it work. After all he left everything behind for me (or so he said) so I felt guilty plus there is a child involved now.

Skipping forward 2 years I find out I am pregnant again & things seem to be doing ok. No fighting but we are still struggling financially which is always hard. He is still loosing job after job (getting fired). Still playing video games & on top of that he doesn't help with our son or the house cleaning. He asks me to marry him & for the sake of the now 2 children I agree.

Another 3 years down the road his best friend & girlfriend split up. She leaves to go back to Florida & he continues to live with us. We now have our 3rd and final child. I turn to his friend now for advice because I am still so unhappy. I have always been close with his friend & he has been more involved with my 3 children than their father. He has a steady job & is vested not to mention that he cleans up around the house. He is a great listener & an over all great guy. He does so many things for me & my children while daddy does nothing. Anyways, I went to him for advice because I found out that my husband had signed up for single sites & was also talking to more than 20 woman on the internet. This was it for me. I was broken down, worn out & tired of all the lies & stress. All the best friend had to say was he just wanted was to see me & the kids happy. The lies my husband had told also put stress on the relationship they had with each other & he could relate to my situation.

Cutting to the chase the best friend & I continue to talk & get closer. He finally came out & told me that he has had feelings for me for quite some time. He talks about how he loves my kids & wants me to be happy. I share those feelings & watching him interact with my children is great for me and them. They are #1 in my life. I don't want them to grow up thinking that the way there father is as a person is ok. He is a horrible role model. I don't want my daughter to think that she should settle for a man like the one I picked either.

So basically here is my question. The best friend makes me & my children happy. He would lay down his life for us & is willing to step in & step up. He has been in their lives since they were all born & they slip up & call him daddy some times. He is willing to let his 18 year friendship with my husband go. My husband is aware that I want a divorce & he is aware that we have feelings for each other. Because of this, in the past month he has tried to step up & help with the house & the kids. My problem is that he just now thinks I am serious about the divorce & that is the only reason he is doing this. I have threatened numerous times & he always goes back to doing the same old thing. He is begging me for another chance. Should a break down try again & possibly end up in the same boat. Or should I leave & take my chance at happiness for me & my children.

His girlfriend leaving is not why we became friends. We were friends before her. He was always someone I could talk to & he is actually how I met my husband. All that aside my husband came to him & told him he was going meet one of these "other girls" & asked him to watch our kids while he did it. When his friend said he didn't approve & thought that I didn't deserve this, hubby decided to take the kiddies along for the ride to meet this other woman. It is my fault that I have stayed with him for so long. I understand that completely. Like I said I talked to him before & he would change for a few weeks. I would get a little bit of romance believe that things were good & then he goes back to the same old thing but its worse each time. His own family warned me I guess I thought I could help him be a better man & I can't. I know that the fact that I am seeing his best friend is not the solution, but what I do know is that he is a good man, an honest man & he loves my children & they love him & that is all I want. I just don't know what to do.

Get out of the bad situation first. Nothing will get better until you do that.

Resolve the issues with the husband, and security for your kids come first. Jumping from one man, to another, no matter how good he seems, or how well he gets along with your kids, is not a solution.

Decide what you and hubby will do, and then get it done. Please don't let his friend influence you as that's a disaster waiting to happen. No matter how good it seems, he is getting over someone, and his best foot is forward, and even us good guys have a downside, you need to know about before pinning a badge of honor on us.