Ask Me Help Desk - How to deal with this

Recently, I had posted a "problem" regarding my fear of my husbands unknown death. He has not died, but I was afraid of that since I had recently quit my job and we had no life insurance. Well, since then I went to Florida to help take care of my mom whom has lung cancer. I was okay the first week I was there but like a ton of bricks the fear that it could be me overwhelmed me. I have been talking to someone (a counselor) that told me that negative thoughts and worry are just like praying for that bad thought to happen. I cannot seem to shake this though. I am ALWAYS thinking about this to the point that it has sort of crippled me in doing everyday things. I have had a check up and I am fine, but still this is haunting me. I cannot see the point in having a good time because what is it going to matter if I get cancer or die at a young age? I have been trying to repeat "I am healthy and I will live a long healthy life" over and over in my head and that helps some, but does anyone have any advice? I feel so alone. I look at other people and think "well they do nto have to worry about cancer". Someone please help.

If you think bad things like that eventually it will happen so think positive believe in yourself a no that every morning you wake up will be a good day. A cancer free day. Start dating, socializing, and doing recreational things. I promise you that all of that stress will go away. And you will feel better about yourself just knowing that life is good.

Hello hermione,

I can understand where you are, being in a similar position.

The fact that your Mum is ill, is always in your head, immediately your thinking of people you love,how you couldn't bare to loose them,then imagining all kinds of things... the what if syndrome... what if something happened to me ,what would they do,how would they manage etc etc...

You are doing what you can for your Mum and I hope she goes into remission,deep down you know the inevitable will happen, hopefully not for a very long time... but to you that thought hangs over you...

Whilst you go about your daily tasks, your constantly thinking about other people in your life,what can you do to protect them, we all do that, the fact that your Mum is ill makes you realise how vunerable life really is,. it could happen to any of us... so you've gone and been checked out by your GP and your fine, but subconsciously your thinking perhaps there's something they missed.If your family have a history of cancer you can go for tests yearly, just to put your mind at rest.

Eventually this will pass, it's just the initial shock of your Mum and the realization of it all, panic sets in. Keeping yourself busy right now is a must,just to occupy your mind, when thoughts creep in, immediately replace that thought.

Tell yourself " i'm ok the GP has given me the all clear ",

Automatically you would be thinking... life insurance... I did the same, sadly life goes on and we have to be prepared,but there are many things in life we prepare for this is just another.
If it helps go see your GP again for the cancer test, if your still obsessing about this speak to him again ask him to refer you for some psycological help.

Maybe some temporary medication for anxiety will help you through this difficult time.

Hope this has helped a little

Takecare

She was diagnosed a little over a year ago, so I am wondering why this is just now hitting me. She was a smoker since she was a teenager and she is 48 now. I just do not want to follow in her footsteps. That fear is a little overwhelming. I just think about statistics over and over in my head since like a dummy I went online and read articles about lung cancer. My family does not have a history (Thank you god), I think my great grandparents on my mothers side had cancer but both lived to be in their eighties. In fact both sets of grandparents (dad and mom) are still alive and in their seventies. I just lost the great grandmothers a few years back. Still as I said before, the fear is overwhelming...

HI hermione,

Unfortunately although the webb is brilliant for some things , it's not always good to look up information regarding cancer and alike...

If we feel unwell and look on the webb, especially at serious illness, we can all without a doubt fit our symptoms to the illness, you could frighten yourself have to death, eventually learning that you only have a virus,so best not to look at all.

Sometimes when your life is busy, things get put on hold in your mind, then when your off guard for a bit... packed your job in... it hits you, especially that you've been caring for your Mum.

Try not to worry, you can only do your best each day to avoid silly accidence and alike, if you worried about every single thing, life wouldn't be worth living... you'd never do anything, so take each day as it comes, think positive and you'll be fine..

Quote:

Originally Posted by hermione

Recently, I had posted a "problem" regarding my fear of my husbands unknown death. He has not died, but I was afraid of that since I had recently quit my job and we had no life insurance. Well, since then I went to Florida to help take care of my mom whom has lung cancer. I was okay the first week I was there but like a ton of bricks the fear that it could be me overwhelmed me. I have been talking to someone (a counselor) that told me that negative thoughts and worry are just like praying for that bad thought to happen. I cannot seem to shake this though. I am ALWAYS thinking about this to the point that it has sort of crippled me in doing everyday things. I have had a check up and I am fine, but still this is haunting me. I cannot see the point in having a good time because what is it going to matter if I get cancer or die at a young age? I have been trying to repeat "I am healthy and I will live a long healthy life" over and over in my head and that helps some, but does anyone have any advice? I feel so alone. I look at other people and think "well they do nto have to worry about cancer". Someone please help.

Hi Hermione, your post caught my eye, because my story is so similar, and took place in Florida as well. What the counselor told you about praying for those bad things to happen is malarkey. It doesn't mean you have a private death wish--it just means you are worried, and thus thinking about it a lot. Crippling though it is, worry is not going to kill you. What your counselor was most likely referring to was 'self-fulfilling prophesy,' which unfortunately does tend to happen, BUT only in action-related things, not "catching" medical conditions. I am going through a grief process right now (my mom passed two months ago)--but besides that, I still have other stresses and worries too. My job sucks, my boss is a loon, my husband is a new driver in this country and in this city of three million, you name it. The only one who can help you (effectively, that is) is you, and by taking positive steps to clear your mind and get back on the road to normalcy, then you take the first step in helping yourself get over these fears. I am not saying you alone can do this. Lots of people need extra help, such as counseling, medication, family support, etc. But still, the bottom line is you have to take the first step. Please do me the favor and forget what that counselor said about praying for it to happen. He/she only crippled you even more. Cutieshoes above had a very excellent suggestion: get out, socialize, get your mind off your worries. You woke up today, didn't you? One suggestion though: don't try Wellbutrin! LOL. It just aggravated my anxieties even more. Why not focus your attentions on your mother? If you think only of her and her needs, then your mind will be occupied. Once she's gone, there's no getting her back. So value and cherish this time with her. We were fortunate that we had a good seven days with our mom before she passed, and we were even MORE fortunate to have been there by her side at that fateful moment, when two of her three daughters live 1500 miles away. Anyway, focus on Mom, OK? If you break down, who will she have then?

My friend you are not alone, I just lost my mother on July 25th to Failing kidneys, Diabetes and a leg amputatin due to Gangerne. She died in the ICU Ward on that Friday night. I know live in fear of Death, and also getting her illness. She was healthy up until 80 years old, then all of sudden her health took a turn for the worst. Now I too fear getting her sickness, Dying in pain and I am terrified of dying with that Death Rattle, and struggling for breath that all of us due upon death. So yes you are not alone, my fear is very real, and it is disrupting my life. And people telling me everyone has to die one day, that does not help eliminate the Fear, that only makes it more real. So yes your feelings are normal, as I have the same fear, and honestly I don't know how to deal with it, as I am already 47 years old, soon to be 50 and I say where did all the years go? So I know that death will come just as fast, and I am just terrified.

It is amazing how much you sound like me. I know that we all have a different path and that mine may not include cancer, diabetes.. etc. The possibility that it might is and not knowing is what is the worst part. Not to sound crass or cold of heart, but after your mother passed, did it get a little better knowing that her suffering was over? I think that having to watch her health decline is part of the problem.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hermione

It is amazing how much you sound like me. I know that we all have a different path and that mine may not include cancer, diabetes..etc. The possibility that it might is and not knowing is what is the worst part. Not to sound crass or cold of heart, but after your mother passed, did it get a little better knowing that her suffering was over? I think that having to watch her health decline is part of the problem.

Yes watching my mothers Health decline over the 4 years was so hard for me. There was never a time when I went to visit her at the hospital that I did not break down and cry. Because I knew she was Dying. Mom was healthy for 80 years, I was hoping that she would have remained healthy for another 20 and live to 100 years old as some people do, but with their good health of course. The hardest part was that the last 4 years of her life was taken away buy sickness, as her mind went to she developed " Dementia " and did not even know I was her daughter, she thought I was her dead sister Lucy who died back in the 1970's. I mean she was not mom anymore, and that killed me. When her leg got amputated due to Gangerne that hurt me even more, as I said my mother suffered enough and did not deserve this to happen. And worst more she was taken away from her home and left to die in an ICU Room ordered by the Courts. She could not live home because she was a Dialysis patient.

Now that she is gone, yes her suffering is finally over you are right, but mine is not, I miss her so much, and I just cannot believe that she is gone. And now I just fear my own death
Whenever that happens, and yes my fears are disrupting my life, I really cannot live as I used to before as when Mom died she took a big piece of me with her to the grave and left the rest here to pine away. I am glad she is not suffering, but I am not glad that she is not hear. I miss her so much.

Your chances of dying in a car wreck or being killed by a drug addict in a robbery is much higher than dying by cancer, since most cancer is treatable and does not keep people any longer.
You have a fear, or phobia if this continues you need to go see a counselor. Since improperly handled fears will destroy our life.

Fr_Chuck is right about the statistics. I was in a similar situation that you're in. I watched my mom die when I was 11. She had multiple sclerosis and toward the end she had internal bleeding from a tumor pressing against her bladder. We never did find out if it was cancer or not but I can guess that it was because my grandma and my grandpa on her side of the family both had cancer. For a long time I was so scared that I was going to get it. Maybe I still will, but I don't think about it anymore. I don't really remember when I stopped thinking that way but now I just do what I can to try to stay healthy. I go to the gym usually 4 or 5 times a week with the exception of this last month but that's a good way to stay healthy.

Yes Fr Chuck you are right, I believe I am developing a phobia. My mother died from Kidney failure, Diabetes and Gangerne and also Respitatory failure. All of those are inherited especially Diabetes which shuts down the kidneys and leads to gangerne. I am just terrified of the Dying process, and struggling for breath when I will be on my death bed. Yes it probably is a phobia, because at night I cannot sleep, my heart is jumping in my chest even when I am just laying on the bed, and all of these horrible thoughts of death just comes to my mind. It is disrupting my life. But I don't know how much a counselor can do, all he can tell me is what every one else tells me, Death is part of life we will all die someday and I have to accept that. But saying that does not remove my fear it only increases it, and as I get older and older the probility of Death increases everyday as the years go by.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lmangileri

Fr_Chuck is right about the statistics. I was in a similar situation that you're in. I watched my mom die when I was 11. She had multiple sclerosis and toward the end she had internal bleeding from a tumor pressing against her bladder. We never did find out if it was cancer or not but I can guess that it was because my grandma and my grandpa on her side of the family both had cancer. For a long time I was so scared that I was going to get it. Maybe I still will, but I don't think about it anymore. I don't really remember when I stopped thinking that way but now I just do what I can to try to stay healthy. I go to the gym usually 4 or 5 times a week with the exception of this last month but that's a good way to stay healthy.

Well like one of the Nurses told me in the hospital if you live long enough something is going to kill you. And I am just petrified of it, as no one in my family ever died from just old age or by accident, they all died from terminal illness. So I will be next.