I'm a 25 year old female, red hair, white complexion. My boyfriend of 6 months is 21 he has a crew cut and strong body build.
A few nights ago I looked in my internet history and found he had been browsing some internet dating sites. Again. When I confronted him the next morning he became very upset and said he was just going online out of curiousity and that he wasn't looking for anyone else and that I needed to trust him. He then told me he was done with me and that I needed to get my together. When I asked him " So I don't have a chance in hell with you do I?" he said "That's not what I said, you just need to get your together and start trusting me, I'm not your ex fiance." He said he would call when he was ready to talk and it's been 2 days.
My ex fiancé used to go to dating sites and then would call and meet up with these girls so I have a lot of trust issues.
I know a lot of people browse dating sites just for fun, I have done it before. I feel like my distrust in people I date is out of control and I don't know how to stop.
I asked him to give me a week or two to figure things out and he said he would call, but I'm fearful he won't.
I haven't tried calling or texting, just waiting it out and being miserable. Is this going to be okay?

What do you mean by OK? If the only thing OK means is you two live happily ever after, then no, you may not be OK.

I personally think you are absolutely OK without any specific guy, don't you?

A few things:

A discussion is not a confrontation. Your attitude makes it a confrontation. "I confronted him about it" is a pretty aggressive posture, don't you think?

You are perfectly capable of talking about things you're uncomfortable with or don't like without being confrontational, aren't you? If not, you need to work on that. You need this skill to live in a house with a man for 50 years.

Unexpected confrontation leads to white lies. Look, everyone covers their own butts. You do it, I do it, we all do it. So of COURSE your b/f is going to say SOMETHING to respond to your confronting him about his surfing dating sites. And what he says will be meaningless.

This is important. If you FORCE someone to defend themselves unexpectedly, you will seldom get any peace over the issue. You will get white lies, rationalizations, and the smartest guys will manage to put it back on you. "I'm not your ex-fiance" is a typical smart answer. It's ALSO not a meaningful answer, is it?

RULE OF THUMB: Don't ask questions you already know the answer to. The reason is if the response you get is ANYTHING different from what you already know to be true, you are destroying trust unnecessarily. In a situation where trust is already slipping, this isn't a good plan.

EXAMPLE: He's surfing dating sites.

Why do people surf dating sites? Only one reason, really. To see who's out there. Curiosity. So you already know WHY he's surfing those site(s). Don't ask him why. You know why. Assume your knowledge is accurate and go from there.

"I've been looking through the same dating sites you've been looking through, and found a few good prospects. How about you?"

See, a much different position, isn't it?

You DO need to get your head together. You seem to have forgotten WHY you date someone. It's not because you like them, that part took no effort. It's not because he's a hunk or treats you nice, everyone treats you nice at first.

You date someone for 6 months to give them time to "act normal" so you can make a judgment call. Once they act normal and you don't like it, you can't complain them out of it. THat's just silly.

So, at 6 months your b/f is on dating sites "seeing what's out there." That's pretty indicative, isn't it? I know this can be a painful moment, but doesn't that already TELL you where things are going?

I know this sounds pessimistic, but it's not. You're dating and looking for the reasons you two aren't compatible long-term. Once found, you move on.

Does this have to be an angry, arrow-slinging moment when you two reach the crux of your relationship and decide to go your separate ways? It doesn't have to be. It is sad that so many people can only face these situations all livid and red-faced.

Since most of your dating relationships will be temporary, being able to make a graceful and mature exit is a useful ability. You should think about it.

You will like every guy you date. You will love some that you're around for many months. But it's up to you to make a wise choice about staying around longer than necessary. 6 months is just about dead-on perfect timing for this to be going on.

Don't ignore what is really going on based on your feelings. That would be unfortunate and wasteful.

SUGGESTION:
Based on all I've already said and your situation, I'd let him go. I would do it pleasantly, too. Making an enemy of him serves no purpose.

Then get back out there. Be ambitious with your life and activities and date others unabashedly.

He may even call again when he starts missing you. You could see him again, as friends, no problem there. He needs to see you in the "I'm OK without you" mode and realize being with you is a treat, not a chore. He needs to come to that on his own.

But you don't put any waiting time on him or expect this to occur, you don't need it to. You're going to be OK with or without him, right? Right?

Best to be OK without him so if something better really DOES appear on your doorstep, you'll actually give it a chance. Living with someone for 50 years is a long time. Make sure it's a guy who is truly, TRULY into you.

This is not OK.

You have done nothing that any girlfriend wouldn't do. I know if I found my boyfriend looking at dating sites I would be upset.

There is only one reason you look at dating sites. To find dates. It screams unfaithful - and you should discuss it with him. I do not think you should break up with him over it, but you need to talk it through.

It sounds like he has projected what is his problem onto you. He should not be making you feel guilty.

If he doesn't call and apologise - personally I don't think he's worth it.

From what I have seen by girls who nag and accuse their boyfriend or even just simply do not trust them is that they are so full of emotional turmoil that they can't get to the truth because they are letting their emotions run wild and the guy is trying to make them out like he is not the one with the problem you are the one with the problem. The more you nag and accuse the more they cover it up and the sneakier they get.
YOU have to find it within yourself to be in the relationship with the premise that they are not cheating, YOU have self confidence, You have self control in the situation. Then you watch for red flags and be rational. When you take this approach sometimes they get sloppy because they have confidence that you haven't caught on and/or you get a gut feeling that is usually right. You head and your heart will accuse but your gut instincts are usually right. But if you are emotional and insecure then you can't listen to your instincts and you end up accusing which drives him away.
You may have driven him away with mistrust now if you want to work it out you have to take the different approach and see if you can win him back.

Personally I think surfing dating sites is a pretty good indication that something isn't working and he is curious to see what else is out there, he may not have intentions on doing anything at this point in time or while you are together... but it seems like he has something else in mind for the future... might want to take a big step back

He's 21, he's YOUNG. Move on, to a more mature man who you won't have to question whether he is looking on dating sites because he will be sure of what he wants.

Its really not OK ,
I suggest that you go and contact him, remember one thing true love never dies, and true love has no enemy , the only enemy are you and your boy.
May god bless you

I think you should build more self confidence and try to concentrate on your work or whatever you are doing now...because thinking of waiting for him to change and come back could strain your brain and makes you to lose your self respect. Besides there is no need to force yourself to hold someone who wants to go away..live your life happily. No matter what happens don't let it affect the quality of next moment you have in your life. You have complete freedom to choose what you like.

I've been in similar situations. And honestly, I don't think a man should have any interest in looking at those sites if he is really into you, because he won't feel the need to see what else is out there. Maybe instead of confronting him and getting mad, have a talk with him. 6 months isn't THAT long, and you guys should talk and see what pages you both are on, because obviously they aren't the same pages. Also, it will cause problems in the future if you are already looking at what he does online. He will hate that he can't have the feeling of privacy even if it's looking up sports or whatever. In the end, go with your GUT feeling... it's always right. But def talk with him, don't blame him, just see where he is coming from and why he is curious. If he continues, move on.

Not everyone lies about their behavior. Certainly those who know that what they are doing is wrong, want to keep doing it don't have a problem being dishonest will lie as long & as much as they can.

Your boyfriend is young & he might have been looking out of curiosity. But that could have been done with your knowledge, especially knowing your history. His jumping from immediate defensiveness to wanting to break up is telling in that he certainly didn't display any understanding, patience or empathy with your feelings did he? He just may not be ready for a committed relationship.

Quote:

---

You are perfectly capable of talking about things you're uncomfortable with or don't like without being confrontational, aren't you? If not, you need to work on that. You need this skill to live in a house with a man for 50 years.

---

I absolutely agree that a discussion doesn't have to be a confrontation & knowing how to discuss difficult issues is a crucial skill. But people that are hiding things often will quickly turn a discussion into a confrontation & twist things around as much as they can in order to sidetrack the real issues as much as possible. You can't have a discussion with someone that won't be honest & have it be a productive one.