I am grappling with trusting after three or four episodes in which my husband flirted with others; his co-worker, neighbor, young lady at the gym and his neighbor. After hearing a cellphone conversation I wasn't supposed to hear, in which he told her everything going on his life but didn't mention me, and ended with a concern over her injured shoulder, telling her to knock on his door if she ever needs help, and reiterated that he really meant it -using her name in this last sentence. Six months have passed since that last one, and I'm still grappling. I wondered what he thought was the reason I had trouble trusting him, and here's our ensuing conversation
ME: I need to ask you something. Why do you think I am having such a hard time believing u
HIM: partly because you were hurt in incomprehensible ways by those you trusted, and when its done by those you trust, its devastating
ME: partly?
HIM: no, it’s a major part. That’s why I was so hesitant to commit , knowing what u’d been through
ME:I’m fearful..
HIM:(interrupting) I’m sure you are, its natural after being through what u’ve been through
ME:I’m concerned that your not taking any responsibility in this
HIM: (interrupting) Oh, but I am. It’s like gasoline and a match. A match wouldn’t blow up a block on its own, and gasoline by itself isn’t harmful.
ME:which one do you think you are, a match or the gasoline
HIM: it doesn’t matter
ME: I think in your analogy I’m the gasoline
HIM: OK
ME: what would a healthy partner have felt/said when she initiates convo’s with Terri and Terri only addresses you, and not your partner
HIM: she would feel the same, but the key is to talk it through. It’s critical.
ME: what would she say
HIM: she would ask me not to do it again
ME: what would she feel or say if you failed, like the cell phone conversation I wasn’t meant to hear
HIM: she would have felt the same way as u. I realized that if a partner didn’t care she wouldn’t get upset
ME: (interrupting) like your past relationship (ex-wife but he could’ve interpd as Dorothy)
HIM: mm . U getting upset showed me you care, and being so upset showed me the level of how much you care, so I decided to commit at that point
ME: (interrupting) that Terri thing was only a few months ago!
HIM:when?
ME: I’d say early spring… March
HIM: I’d agree with that – six months ago
HIM: I have to get off the phone
ME: Ok – we’ll talk at lunch
HIM: OK. Bye
ME: bye
Is he telling the truth?
Cecilia
