Ask Me Help Desk - Lost and confused

Me and my ex were together for the last five years. We lived together and had plans for a future with each other. We also have a three year old child together. She left about three months ago saying she did not feel the same way about me anymore. She says that the reason we split is because I always put her to the side. I couldn't give her what she needed and even when she told me what she needed I was too stupid to take action. Since we split we went through a few weeks where she would start going out to bars and meeting new friends. She did all this with mutual friends behind my back. Still she would be telling me that she loved me, kissing me, hugging, holding hands, even having sex with me still as if nothing was wrong but she would be telling our mutual friends she was completely done with me and if it wasn't for our daughter she would never speak to me again. This has been going on for awhile and she still tells me she loves me. We go on dates and she lets me spend the night with her on occasion. The last few times I have stayed over I have to sleep in a different room but every time she always wonders into the room where I am to lay next to me and be held which leads to sex. She tells me it is to late every time I try to get her back, but asks me questions like what would happen if you do get me back. I have laid all my cards on the table for her and told her that I want to spend the rest of my life with her and her first response was "wow,would have loved to have you five years ago" followed by its too late or "I dont know if I can do this", but yet this is happening. She got mad the other night because our friends are starting to catch on to what she is doing by telling them one thing and me another and told me I probably won't tell you I love you anymore. So what do I do here? This woman is my life and I want to be with her. I am positive there is still feelings there for me but she won't allow them to grow or she is talking herself out of the situation. What should I do to win her back completely back?

Hello Yo-Yo.. hope you don't mind I call you that because well, that's exactly what you are right now... That will hopefully change

She is playing with you, keeping you around long enough until something better comes along. She doesn't want to be with you, she has voiced this, many times. You need to cut all contact with her, realize it's over and move on. Remove yourself from her life and start to live your own. You will thank us someday for the correct advice

First and foremost, get your own head together and change the dynamic of this relationship, by being a good dad, and leaving her alone except, where the child is concerned.

This will allow you to step back, gain a better less emotional perspective and see if she misses you or not. It also will allow you to redirect your priorities to your child and yourself and take her out of the mix.

Stop having sex with her, as this clouds the real issues you face and blinds you to the reality of your situation. Stop the relationship talk altogether and only discuss the well being of your child.

You have allowed yourself to be put in a very defensive position where you will stay confused and wondering about the wrong things and distracted from the facts. Your being kept on the back burner.

Yes you probably do need to make changes and improvements, and she does keep you close enough to see any.

The goal is to work on you without her influence, as she is the only one who can decide to let you back, and its all on her terms.

The only way to change anything is to stand up for yourself and be yourself. Whatever you want in life starts right there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Hello Yo-Yo..hope you don't mind I call you that because well, that's exactly what you are right now...That will hopefully change

She is playing with you, keeping you around long enough until something better comes along. She doesn't want to be with you, she has voiced this, many times. You need to cut all contact with her, realize it's over and move on. Remove yourself from her life and start to live your own. You will thank us someday for the correct advice

I hear what you are saying and thanks for the honesty. So would you say that she is still interested and in love if this is going on? There has been too many signs already. I know I sound like a loser wus,, I was a soldier and a damn good soldier at that. I am great with battle situations to that nature but when it comes to the love situations I am a moron.. any more advise?

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

First and foremost, get your own head together and change the dynamic of this relationship, by being a good dad, and leaving her alone except, where the child is concerned.

This will allow you to step back, gain a better less emotional perspective and see if she misses you or not. It also will allow you to redirect your priorities to your child and yourself and take her out of the mix.

Stop having sex with her, as this clouds the real issues you face and blinds you to the reality of your situation. Stop the relationship talk altogether and only discuss the well being of your child.

You have allowed yourself to be put in a very defensive position where you will stay confused and wondering about the wrong things and distracted from the facts. Your being kept on the back burner.

Yes you probably do need to make changes and improvements, and she does keep you close enough to see any.

The goal is to work on you without her influence, as she is the only one who can decide to let you back, and its all on her terms.

The only way to change anything is to stand up for yourself and be yourself. Whatever you want in life starts right there.

I know I am on the back burner at this point but I am ex military and I have learned to trust my gut feelings and right now my gut is telling me she still loves me. So I will work on my changes for me but how do I start to draw her back?

By doing the changes first, for yourself, and being a great dad. Keep in touch with your daughter, and leave her alone. Re- read my post soldier, and follow the suggestions. You don't win someone back, or draw them to you. You do what you think is right, and let them make their own choice.