Hi community,

I never thought that I would ever sign up for a forum like this, but it would be good to hear some answers from people with a little more experience in these matters than myself. OK, to gice you all an overview:

Last year, I met a girl from the Philippines who was here in Australia to study. She works for her local government, and I believe was selected out of a lot of people to come here and study. I met her at a university, and we sort of lost contact, but then we regained contact, and a relationship enshued (actually one of the nicest ones I have ever been in).

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, she had to return home. I am 40, and she is 32, so there's not a great age gap between us. I should also stress that she is half Chinese. I'm posting here because you here of so many "horror stories" about marrying Filipinos, but I don't think this is the case for me because:

1. Because of her study and being a government funding thing, she is not allowed to return to Australia for two years, even if I marry her. (This is apparently signed and sealed between the two countries).

2. She is very "modern", she has a couple of degrees, and has insisted that she wants a career, but out of Phil, because she is very limited as to what she can do there (as am I).

3. She is widowed, and has three children. I am willing to accept this, because I am divorced with two.

4. At the moment, she has been having some disagreements with her parents about how she is bringing up her own kids; she wants to do it "her way".

Before she went home, she came and stayed with me in my place in Perth. She stayed for two months, we were virtually like husband and wife, and we had no issues at all, not one. We're lucky, because it all works.

The only thing that worries me, and why I have posted here, is the talk of marriage. Granted, if she is always the girl who has been with me this past few years, I will marry her at the drop of a hat, BUT, she wants us to get married on her Birthday (may '09) does anybody else think that this is a little quick? I emailed her a bunch of questions, which I know she will answer, all the usual stuff, "do I have to support her family, etc, etc".

Now, in regards to me, at the time we met and started the relationship, I had lost my job at a mine site, and basically had nothing, so I'm convinced she's not a "gold digger". In the time she spent with me, she also never asked me for a single thing, and we were equal in every way.

The only thing I am really concerned about is the time we have to wait before she can return to Australia. I admire a lot of Eastern cultures; I believe that they have higher levels of respect, and family values than us here in the West, but I still can't get my head clear; I don't see the point of us getting married at that time if we will have to wait another year to finally be together??

I trust her implicitly; she is a beautiful, smart, kind girl, but I don't see the "rush" about getting married. Maybe it's her culture? Please elaborate for me people. This is the only "doubt" that I have about her.

Many thanks, sorry for the long post.

AJT67 -

It sounds like your situation is very unusual to say the least. It's difficult to really say whether it's a "little quick" for talk of marriage... from her perspective, she most likely sees things in you that she admires and loves so she's probably not worried about being too quick. I think for western culture-oriented people we tend to focus too much on things that don't amount to a whole lot of anything in terms of an ideal mate: what kind of car and home does she have or is she popular or goal-oriented. I mean, sure, those things can be important to some extent but what if in the final analysis, all of those things are true for a woman but she's totally self-centered and narcissistic, etc. She could have a lot of money and be "popular" and driven, but who cares if she's not really in love with you. Conversely, if you sense that this woman really cares for you and she's willing to love you and commit to you as you are (especially when during the first time she met you you were unemployed), what more are you really looking for?

It shouldn't matter to you if it doesn't matter to her about the timing of everything. However, I wonder whether you are ready for the commitment. Perhaps you have your doubts about her or perhaps you really have doubts about yourself. Are you willing to marry her or are you uncertain of making a commitment again. After all, you were divorced before—not saying that to knock you because I don't know the circumstances—so perhaps you are a little tentative about taking that kind of risk once again. Perhaps the uniqueness of the situation you described is really masking your real concerns about marrying again. I may or may not be right but I think it's definitely worth considering. I think you should talk to your friends or family about a decision like this but ultimately, my friend, it's up to you... she's already made her decision.

Cheers.

jakester,

Many thanks, appreciate the reply, and you have sort of pointed me in the right direction - I do have some bad experiences from the past, which I am willing to share:

I had a wife that I had two children with, but I divorced her because she was only obsessed with money. I was working three jobs, around 180 hours per week! I was single from her for four years.

Then I met another woman, she seemed sincere, but in the end, used me for two years. She had a lot of my money etc, and the best of everything, and actually said to me on the last day: "I've been lying to you, I don't love you".

I guess that would probably put a few barriers up in my case. I have been single now for two years, and as I said, this new girl, I have no doubts about my feelings for her, nor hers for me. I was tempted to post here after seeing on Google that there were subjects about marrying Filipinos.

I guess my real question is in May 2009, we would have been together for just over a year. From a Filipino point of view, is this a "normal" courting time for a couple?

Once again, I have no doubts of our true feelings for one another.

Many thanks

Andrew.

Hey, Andrew -

I am humbled by your openness about your past. Clearly, then, this is where the real issue lies in my estimation... in your willingness to look at your past, understand where you made your mistakes, etc. and have the courage and the wisdom to make the right choice.

Honestly, Andrew, I would not really worry so much as to whether there is some custom of marriage for Filipinos because I don't really believe that is a significant issue at this point. After all, I'm sure you've met couples before who have dated a short while and have gotten married. In fact, I'm one of them. I knew my wife for a year and then decided that she was the one I wanted to marry. The question is how long of a period is really right for anyone; I believe the answer is in how good the quality of your interaction with her is, such that in the time you've known her you've really gotten to know her (who she is, what her character is like, whether she is demonstrative of her love for you in meaningful ways and vice versa).

I'm only beating back on you a little about your insistence in knowing whether her desire to be married is a reflection of her culture because I truly think the point is moot. Ask her why she wants to marry you in May. If she says things like "I trust you and think you are a good man who would treat me with love and respect, my children included", then honestly, who gives a good rip about her culture's custom of speedy marriages. Maybe her desire to marry you has nothing to do with her culture but more to do with her understanding of you as a suitable partner in life. I hope you understand what I am saying. I think the only way to know for sure is to really talk with her to understand.

All the best, mate.

Thanks for your reply again jakester.

I can even answer those questions, we are just total equals, in every way, and she says that is what she has always looked for. All I know is that there are NEVER any disagreements, we both feel the same way about each other, and well, it just works.

Never had this before, but she makes me so happy, I just kind of want to tell the whole world about her! :-)

Sincerely,

Andrew.

Andrew - I sincerely hope and pray that things work out for you. And you know what, come May of next year if it happens that you get married, I'd be honored to hear about it. God willing, I'll be around. Drop me a note then.

Cheers!

You can count on that!!

Many thanks again.

Andrew.

The dumbest marriage scenario I know is my about my friend. I have a friend who married an american man she met on-line. They got married here after 1yr and 6 months the frist time they met in person. I believe its money that made them decide that because the man isn't financially capable enough to come here once in awhile so they just went straight in the altar. It is not a culture and I won't do that. Your sitaution is much acceptable to me because you lived in 1 house together. Same thing with date of marriage. Its her "sentimental" also that she wants to get married on her b-day.. You were like a married couple for 2 months in Perth so It gave her a brief overview what its like to be married with you. If you think you find it a little rush, just tell her you don't think it is a good idea. Suggest, you may come here once in a while to check it out and see more of the relationship so no need for a "rush". Also, petition process which takes 6 mos-1year is another factor. She could be thinking "Why not just marry him this early so he wont need to come over here back and forth, spend a lot of money? I am confident we will end up together anyway."

With regards to your question if she has to support her family,No. But you will be nice if you will do so.

Set communications straight and clear. Culture gaps will be expected so be practice well on that as early as now.

ylaira,

Thank you very much for the advice. Actually, I spoke to her about all of this on the telephone last night :) and I don't think there is anybody else in the world for me except her.

So, as a result, I will be coming to the Philippines to see her for about two weeks in November, and we will make our future plans from there.

Andrew.

Oh.. you are in LOVE... in love in love.. I can hear it in your post!:p And you are scared because of your past and being hurt and that's understandable - however, 'tis the past and you have the here and now and the future ahead, the past is all behind you!

I agree... Who cares about her cultural custom - what matters is what the two of you want. If you think it's too soon - wait, get engaged and set the date for later - or just plain out wait. If you don't think it's too soon but it's just your fear you will have to ask yourself if you can get past it and ask this woman to marry you. I do know that some cultures have a huge emotional attachment to their birthday, I have no idea if that's the case with her.. but... her birthday will come too a year later! :) You obviously love her, I can hear it flowing from you. It's also okay to Love somebody and not marry them right away. There is nothing wrong with loving and dating for awhile. There is nothing wrong with a long engagement. Shout it to the world man. YOU ARE IN LOVE... the rest you will figure out... and we will help with our advice best we can!

Actully no this is not that unsuall at all, in long distance relationships, and to be honest you had no trouble "moving in together" so why is marriage appearing to be a issue. If ou are in a relationship and happy you marry them, a little fast, who cares

Thank you Tralyn!

I think everybody who SEES me knows how I feel, and I have been working out our small cultural differences (she is half Chinese). Here English is excellent, and the only time we misunderstand one another is sometimes when we talk on line using text.

But it is just like somebody has taken a copy of me, and put it into a female body :-) she is also very modern, has planned her career, has done very well at her job, just that she definitely wants a life out of the Philippines. Part of me going to see her was to find out if I could work in her province, but she is insistent that she does not want to stay.

I'm happy with that, because with my own work, my career is better in the United States.

Yes, love as nice as what I share with her only comes along once in a lifetime, so I intend to hold on to it an value it!

Good for you - now you just find your own comfort zone on how to do so! :) (your love for her makes me smile). Congrats on the love you found - it is a very precious thing.

Don't mean to rain on your parade, but EVERYONE feels as you do at the beginning of a relationship. The whole thing is making sure that those are forever feelings and not just for now feelings.

Just me, a year, especially a year that you've had, may make feelings more intense, but must be tempered, and balanced by common sense, and a lot more communications. Whats the hurry, as another 6 months to a year, may reveal a lot more than either of you knows now.

Your past experience should have cautioned you on any impulsive actions or assumptions, despite her enthusiasm.

I think you both would be better off waiting another year for her BD then. I know you guys have had a great time together & 2 wonderful months living together. But that was a vacation compared to what real marriage is. It's great no real issues popped up then, but they often don't early on.

Especially when there are children involved that will also be deeply impacted with the decisions you two make, giving it a bit more time isn't a bad idea especially when the actual time spent face to face or even in the relationship is so relatively short. I also don't see the rush when she can't even return for such a long time.

I really suggest that you tell her that you are more comfortable with waiting for her bd the following yr & stick to that for a while. Her reaction to that may also let you see more of her character when she doesn't easily get what she wants, which is important info for a long term commitment.

It sounds like you two do have a good basis in compatibility & enjoying each other's company which is great. Best wishes to you both!

Hi Ajt67,

It's lovely to hear someone so happy but the fact that you asked the question ( to soon for marriage) bothers me...
I agree that you should wait until your finally together, by then more time will have passed and things will be even more clear, with no shadows of doubt,after all there are the children to consider in all this.
I am sorry to put a dampener on this but the fact that you say " i don't see the rush in getting married ", well I think your right, neither do I.
If there is any doubt, wait...