Married and in love with my married ex-boyfriend
Hi There,
My name is Heloisa and I used to think that I was a pretty good person. I always try to be courteous and fair with people. Would like to think I have a good head on my shoulders.
Here's what has me stumbling: ever since having my (one-year old) son it seems like all of my husband's faults are more annoying than ever. I don't mean to be unfair but he does have some addictions that I didn't realize would be permanent and, according to experts, I am in the wrong for not figuring that out. I have done what I can to help with the addictions but there has been very little change. I realize that when respect goes, love goes, but I am hoping that this can change, somehow.
So, since this appears to be anonymous, I'll just let it all out. I think I might still be in love with my first boyfriend and he could be with me, too. When I was 18 and he was 22 we were each other's first love. I broke up with him but he continued to tell me that he loved me and that he would always want to marry me. This continued for about six months and then he told me that he was done pursuing me. He said that he was going to marry another girl and that he would never speak to me again. I believed him and, at the time, was happy.
Six months after that I realized that I made a huge mistake and was still in love with him. Assuming he was married to the girl he told me about, and afraid to call, I spent the last 17 years wondering about him. Finally, I looked him up and called him about four months ago. Of course, in my wildest dreams he was going to be unmarried and waiting for me to call. Unfortunately, he was still waiting for me to call, but married with three children. He had actually waited for five years and then made the marriage leap with another woman.
I completely know that this sounds insane but I think that we might still be in love, somehow. He is clearly angry with me for leaving him and letting him start a family with someone else. But I know that I made a huge mistake and that I miss him enormously. I keep telling myself that he is keeping me around by telling me how much I meant to him at the time and telling me that he still thinks about me often. And maybe I keep him going by answering his calls and by calling him back whenever I miss his calls. I just don't know.
After several phone calls, he arranged for us to see each other (only from a distance: his whole family was there) and of course it was awkward, but also romantic.
I know that he is stupefied by the whole thing and so am I. He has far more to lose than I do. Yet, each week when we talk, my brain reminds me that it's obvious that it can't work but my heart keeps saying "wait and see." Am I totally insane?
Juliekaboolie