Hi There,

My name is Heloisa and I used to think that I was a pretty good person. I always try to be courteous and fair with people. Would like to think I have a good head on my shoulders.

Here's what has me stumbling: ever since having my (one-year old) son it seems like all of my husband's faults are more annoying than ever. I don't mean to be unfair but he does have some addictions that I didn't realize would be permanent and, according to experts, I am in the wrong for not figuring that out. I have done what I can to help with the addictions but there has been very little change. I realize that when respect goes, love goes, but I am hoping that this can change, somehow.

So, since this appears to be anonymous, I'll just let it all out. I think I might still be in love with my first boyfriend and he could be with me, too. When I was 18 and he was 22 we were each other's first love. I broke up with him but he continued to tell me that he loved me and that he would always want to marry me. This continued for about six months and then he told me that he was done pursuing me. He said that he was going to marry another girl and that he would never speak to me again. I believed him and, at the time, was happy.

Six months after that I realized that I made a huge mistake and was still in love with him. Assuming he was married to the girl he told me about, and afraid to call, I spent the last 17 years wondering about him. Finally, I looked him up and called him about four months ago. Of course, in my wildest dreams he was going to be unmarried and waiting for me to call. Unfortunately, he was still waiting for me to call, but married with three children. He had actually waited for five years and then made the marriage leap with another woman.

I completely know that this sounds insane but I think that we might still be in love, somehow. He is clearly angry with me for leaving him and letting him start a family with someone else. But I know that I made a huge mistake and that I miss him enormously. I keep telling myself that he is keeping me around by telling me how much I meant to him at the time and telling me that he still thinks about me often. And maybe I keep him going by answering his calls and by calling him back whenever I miss his calls. I just don't know.

After several phone calls, he arranged for us to see each other (only from a distance: his whole family was there) and of course it was awkward, but also romantic.

I know that he is stupefied by the whole thing and so am I. He has far more to lose than I do. Yet, each week when we talk, my brain reminds me that it's obvious that it can't work but my heart keeps saying "wait and see." Am I totally insane?

Juliekaboolie

Do you realise how many times you said "I" want, "I" miss... "I", "I", "I"... "Me" "Me" "Me", in your question? Never once did you say anything about your husband, other than to say he was annoying, and has some form of addiction. Never once did you mention your child, other than to say he was one yr old! Did you read and listen to your marriage vows when said them?

I have to say "shame on you" for being a married woman with a child, and preying on another woman's husband! Not to mention the fact that he has 3 children! Obviously you didn't take your vows seriously, and you went to his family function where his wife and possibly his children were, and you think that is "romantic?" Also shame on this man for inviting you!

Leave this man and his intact family alone for God sakes, if you have any decency! There are children and other people involved here. But by all means, do what feels good to YOU in the moment! Nobody will suffer! Your child will be just fine with morals like that! As long as mommy is happy, it doesn't matter who she hurts!!

You are not insane but you are letting longing for the past & issues in your marriage (which often pop up after a child enters the picture) to cloud your thinking.

In realty, you can not love this person because you don't know him anymore. There has been a lot of years since you were both together & you are both different people now. Older with your own histories. Married with children. There is obviously an attraction so the lust chemicals are bubbling merrily in both of you right now, but that's not love.

And frankly, what you do know at this point about him isn't a glowing tribute to his character / priorities or values. He has 3 children that will be profundly affected if he bails from his marriage, not to mention the effect on his wife. You have a child the same is true of & a spouse as well. It is extremely disrespectful to his wife to have an ex girlfriend show up where his family would be & not be upfront in introducing you. I don't see anything romantic or loving about that.

It is easy to idealize a relationship that ended the way yours did so many years ago & easy to think that history could be corrected if you two had the chance to be together. And if both your spouses were not in the picture, that may be true. But to enter into an adulterous relationship is never a good way to start a relationship. The divorce rate in the U.S. for first marriages is bad enough. That for those that follow are even worse & it's even more rare for a relationship that started with an affair to survive any significant length of time.

If your H has addiction problems, those need to be properly addressed especially now that a child is in the picture. If he refuses to do that, then you have no choice but to protect your child, even if that means separating. That may be the wake up call your H needs & if not, the marriage may not survive. You said you didn't realize the addictions would be permanent, but you apparently knew he had those problems & still chose to be with him, now with a child.

Until you deal with the issues facing you in your current marriage & why someone you haven't had any contact with in 17 yrs seems like an ideal mate to run off despite such limited real information about him other than he's willing to cheat & lie to his wife, I'm afraid you'd be jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

Instead, why don't you get some professional help to deal with the choices you've already made with the mate you've already been with all this time? It will be extremely difficult if not impossible for you to be objective about your marriage or deal with the addiction issues alone anyway since when we are unhappy things are distorted & harder to see realistically, even without a fantasy life with a fantasy relationship distracting you. And addictions take a lot of professional help & concerted effort to overcome.

And if you were totally honest with yourself, you would know that if your old boyfriend had really wanted to pursue you when you were both free, he would have made the effort back then. Instead he told you he found someone else & when that didn't work out, he still didn't make the effort to restore your relationship then. His waiting 5 yrs sounds romantic when you both want to believe he was pining away for you (difficult to prove after so many yrs even if true), instead of wondering if you really meant that much why you weren't worth more of his time & attention in trying to make it work when the children you have could have been together.

Now, he seems perhaps willing to chunk his wife & kids for someone he barely knows although he did share a time with her decades ago that is also married with a child & that seems romantic to you? Or even if he's not planning to do that, he's still willing to betray her, is that the sort of person you really want to love & be loved by? Both of you are using this reconnection to inject some excitement into your lives & are enjoying this secret 'friendship' which is going to make you even more unsatisfied with your life & partners as it is while doing little to improve it in a positive way.

Please take a step back & stay no contact with him, think of it as something that could have been but didn't happen for a reason. You broke it off with him then & chose to let him go out of your life. How is opening that door going to benefit you or your child now, much less his family?

If his character was different, he would have had no problem letting his wife know you had contacted him, & sought an honest friendship only that also included your husband with you if that was acceptable to his wife. I know you feel that he loved you first, but his vows were with her, not you.

If he persists in calling you, you will need to be the strong one & let it go while the memories are still not totally tainted as they are likely to be if this affair gets discovered by your spouses & all hell breaks loose. When that happens, the odds are he will chose his wife yet again, causing you to hurt about that too while facing an angry H who will not be at all happy you were in an affair with your ex.

If you keep telling yourself to 'wait & see', you will get yourself deeper in a situation you need to back out of immediately. Even individual therapy can help you immensely at this point which you might want to do for a bit before approaching your H about marriage counseling.

How is it you see any sort of happy ending happening here with 4 kids involved & 2spouses that will not be cheering at the wedding even if you do divorce for each other?

I think looking him up and contacted him was a bad idea and will cause nothing but trouble. How dare he blame you for getting married and having 3 kids, I could image the hurt his wife would feel behind that statement, I know I would. It's funny that you felt this way about him for 17 years and after a marriage and child you finally had the guts to call. I wonder if the annoyance of your husband is more annoying after you contacted your husband. Your both have families that your committed to and if you are truly fed up with your husband then inform him and if possible work on your marriage, if not then leave. It's unfair to him and if he's not stupid he may could sense what your feeling and acting the way he do. You need to talk to your husband and not sneaking around with your ex, sooner or later you will get caught and destroy a lot of people in the process.

He is unhappy with his life! Your unhappy with yours. So you both are willing to find solace and happiness together again.

Wrong, your taking the easy way out and going for a quick fix, and ignoring the work you need to do in your own life. That's a mistake. Deal with the well being of your own family, and don't be distracted by the quick fix. Even if you can't handle his addictions, then leave and rebuild your life, as it's a big mistake to think you'll be happy with a married ex, who dumped you years ago, and is willing to make you his chick on the side. (Till he leaves his family, its just talk)

What kind of solution is that??

Quote:

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Originally Posted by juliekaboolie

Hi There,

My name is Heloisa and I used to think that I was a pretty good person. I always try to be courteous and fair with people. Would like to think I have a good head on my shoulders.

Here's what has me stumbling: ever since having my (one-year old) son it seems like all of my husband's faults are more annoying than ever. I don't mean to be unfair but he does have some addictions that I didn't realize would be permanent and, according to experts, I am in the wrong for not figuring that out. I have done what I can to help with the addictions but there has been very little change. I realize that when respect goes, love goes, but I am hoping that this can change, somehow.

So, since this appears to be anonymous, I'll just let it all out. I think I might still be in love with my first boyfriend and he could be with me, too. When I was 18 and he was 22 we were each other's first love. I broke up with him but he continued to tell me that he loved me and that he would always want to marry me. This continued for about six months and then he told me that he was done pursuing me. He said that he was going to marry another girl and that he would never speak to me again. I believed him and, at the time, was happy.

Six months after that I realized that I made a huge mistake and was still in love with him. Assuming he was married to the girl he told me about, and afraid to call, I spent the last 17 years wondering about him. Finally, I looked him up and called him about four months ago. Of course, in my wildest dreams he was going to be unmarried and waiting for me to call. Unfortunately, he was still waiting for me to call, but married with three children. He had actually waited for five years and then made the marriage leap with another woman.

I completely know that this sounds insane but I think that we might still be in love, somehow. He is clearly angry with me for leaving him and letting him start a family with someone else. But I know that I made a huge mistake and that I miss him enormously. I keep telling myself that he is keeping me around by telling me how much I meant to him at the time and telling me that he still thinks about me often. And maybe I keep him going by answering his calls and by calling him back whenever I miss his calls. I just don't know.

After several phone calls, he arranged for us to see each other (only from a distance: his whole family was there) and of course it was awkward, but also romantic.

I know that he is stupefied by the whole thing and so am I. He has far more to lose than I do. Yet, each week when we talk, my brain reminds me that it's obvious that it can't work but my heart keeps saying "wait and see." Am I totally insane?

Juliekaboolie

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I was neither trying to be angry or hurtful. I was only pointing out the hurt and anger you will cause if you are going to be selfish and not think of the other people you are dragging into your romantic fantasy. There are a total of 4 children, two spouses, other family members, that will be affected, because you want your old flame back!

I stated the truth in my last post. Maybe the reason you got angry is because you know what you're doing is very wrong? Is it your conscience that made you get angry? Or, is it that you just want to go out and do what you want to do, no matter who's lives it effects? It is all about you after all right? I'm sure his wife wouldn't think the same.

Even if you win Mr. affair, if he cheats with you?. be assured... he will cheat on you!

I suggest, as mentioned above, individual and marital couselling, before you impose on others lives.

Simple solution you go your way/he goes his! Why torment each others emotions?