Ask Me Help Desk - Married, still got physically involved with someone

Hiiii,

I read a girl having the same problem as mine. I have been married for last 7 months and my husband loves me a lot. It was a love marriage but after marrying him I realize that I actually married him just because I had known him for 7 years. He is very short-tempered, doesn't like me talking to any guy... any means absolutely no one. He is my first and last boyfriend I ever had. I loved him and still do, but I don't like keeping secret from him, but every time I tell him about any guy, he screams, creates scene and even hurts himself very badly.
I just met this guy and we started talking to each other like two normal office friends. He knew that I was married. We started going out and didn't even realize when and how we got physically involved. He is very caring towards me. He didn't force me into anything and I don't have any guilt feeling at all. I had good looking guys around me all the time but I never felt attracted towards anyone and this is for the first time when I had taken such a bold step. And this guy and I know that we are not going to be with each other for a long time and also it doesn't mean that tomorrow I will cling to some other guy
I don't know what should I do now? Shall I call it quits with this guy?
I know you will blame me for cheating on my husband but he is always busy in his job and then sulking all the time and if not sulking then some other thing. He is very dominating and still blames me for everything. May be his attitude towards me forced me to look for happiness outside.

You could have just ended your current Marriage before looking elsewhere, you were not happy so you should have just told your husband to live with it or your out!

But that's my opinion if you can't even communicate with each other over something like this and the fact he losses it shows how insecure he is!

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Originally Posted by vibrant11

I dont know what should i do now? Shall i call it quits with this guy?
I know you will blame me for cheating on my husband but he is always busy in his job and then sulking all the time and if not sulking then some other thing. He is very dominating and still blames me for everything. May be his attitude towards me forced me to look for happiness outside.

Another example of a mistake compounded by another mistake. For 7 years the controlling behaviour husband remain miscommunicated and untreated. What to do? Break up from that guy, get into marriage counseling and if still didn't work, get a divorce.

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May be his attitude towards me forced me to look for happiness outside.

Sorry that excuse doesn't work, and you don't get to put all the blame on him for your mistakes. He was like he is for more than just the last 7 months, I'm sure so, you are partly to blame for choosing him. After all that did your cheating make him a better husband, or you a better wife? In the end you still have that mean short tempered husband to go home to, so where does it end?? Did you cheat in the 7 years you knew him?

Own your decision, and mistakes, and deal with them, and leave the selfish excuses alone. Now ditch the guy, and deal with your real problem, your husband.

I agree that, yes, you made two mistakes. However, looking for something positive outside of your marriage is human. Now you know, then you didn't. If you had been fully aware of what was happening in your life, you wouldn't have married your husband in the first place.

Now that you have learned what can happen if you are not fully aware of what you're doing, go forward. Don't beat yourself up but don't lie to yourself either. Fix the problem with honesty and grace. Do things the right way, not the easy way. It may be uncomfortable but you will feel good about yourself in the long run.

You where together for 7 years, if you didn't want to be married to him then why did you marry him? Everything you are complaining about didn't just happen all of a sudden after you married, you chose him, you married him, so you can't blame him now for being something he's always been.

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We started going out and didn't even realize when and how we got physically involved.

Was it really that innocent? Just going out and then wham, oh look, we're having an affair? How did that happen? Sweetie, you had a choice, and you made it.

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I know you will blame me for cheating on my husband but he is always busy in his job and then sulking all the time and if not sulking then some other thing. He is very dominating and still blames me for everything. May be his attitude towards me forced me to look for happiness outside.

Who else is to blame? Your husband is sulking all the time, maybe because he realizes that you are not 100% committed to your marriage. If you weren't happy then you should have left, not being happy doesn't excuse what you did.

Sorry that I'm being harsh, but I see allot of blame directed at your husband, and none directed at yourself. Who cheated? Who stepped outside their marriage and chose to have an affair? Who? Not your husband, you.

You have a choice to make, and I suggest you be honest with yourself before you make that choice.

Good luck.

The problem for inappropriate blaming others for our own poor choices is that we keep feeling we have none of the real power & control over our lives & what happens in them. Your H good or bad didn't make you cheat, your marriage good or bad didn't make you cheat, only your own poor choices let the affair "happen". And you certainly could have stopped it from taking place at all.

By trying to avoid accepting full responsibility for what you did, you are saying bad circumstances "make" you do things that ultimately will only create even more problems & complications in your life. It would be like saying getting into debt "made" you rob a bank.

Whatever problems did exist, bringing someone else into the picture will only bring more. If your marriage was bad before & your H difficult to deal with, him finding out that even before the first yr of his marriage to you an affair took place isn't going to improve either the marriage or his disposition by any means.

In one sentence you say your H loves you a lot & in the next you list things that aren't very loving. In one sentence you say you love your H & in the next admit you are lying (if only by omission) & cheating on him which isn't very loving either. And it is very typical that once an attraction to someone else is acted on, the betrayed partner is constantly seen in the most negative light & the history of the relationship wrongfully altered as well to be a lot worse than it really was. That makes it easier to act on & continue an affair.

You say your H is always busy at work & sulking. Is he working that much because he's trying to pay your bills, provide a good future for you (plus any possible kids) & his "sulking" may simply be exhaustion from his job stress? Or is he purposely putting that many hours & effort into his job because he enjoys being away from you & doesn't care if he gets much time off or not? Is it possible for him to work less at all or is he locked into that? If he can't, blaming him for not being around is unfair. He's not gone from hitting the bars blowing money till all hrs hitting on other women which would certainly be a legit complaint but not a valid reason for an affair either.

So until you get out of the affair, it will be harder for you to even accurately see the issues in yourself, your H or the marriage that need to be addressed in order for a good healthy mutually beneficial marriage to actually be possible. Or for you to accurately gauge what are your best choices for a good life with partners that truly care about you consistently in it.

I strongly urge you to get some professional help to help sort out what is going on with you, your marriage & hopefully your H will be a part of that so you can still have a great marriage together. You do have a long history together so the things that brought & kept you together this long may still be worth preserving or not, but you will need help to sort that out. Professional help, not from a biased affair accomplice.

This guy knew you were married & a newlywed but continued to let the affair happen, showing he has no respect for your marriage or you for that matter. A real friend doesn't help you lie, cheat & steal things that belong to your spouse (by your voluntary choice) for his own benefit such as your sexuality & loyalty. For obviously you felt more loyal to your "friend" than to your H when you consummated the affair with him.

Being caring for someone you want to have as a part time lover isn't that difficult a feat, so giving him credit for that may not be all that merited. A real friend would have told you that he cared & respected you & your friendship too much to take advantage of you when you were in a such a vulnerable state & recommended you see a marriage counselor with your H instead of seducing you (even if you did want that too).

Even if it is true your H is a real jerk, not doing some deep soul searching (totally honestly about your strengths, weaknesses & prior choices) to see how you contributed to what is going on in the marriage now, will not help you prevent that from happening again. Next thing you know, you will be in another relationship that will be unsatisfactory most likely in similar ways to what you have now & the then what?

Will you keep using cheating as a coping strategy when a relationship gets difficult and/or unsatisfactory? Because ALL relationships that last any length of time will be that at some point or another. The difference is that the ones that last in a good way are ones where those things are worked through with your spouse in a loving way together. That is a life long project if you want to be in a marriage that lovingly & passionately lasts for decades, not just as long as it's convenient.

And if you keep looking for other people to make & keep you happy, you will also be on the wrong track to learning what true happiness is much less have it be a constant in your life, which is something you have to create for yourself from the inside out.

It may not be too late to make things right in your marriage, but the longer you stay in the affair, the more difficult it will be to repair the damage. And if you want out, the only fair thing to do is get out of the marriage so you can do what you want to without having to take a H into consideration at all.

Here's a book that can help you learn how to develop the happiness habit:

Amazon.com: Happy for No Reason: 7 Steps to Being Happy from the Inside Out: Marci Shimoff, Carol Kline: Books

There are tons of great books to help improve your marriage & deal with the affair fallout but professional help in addition to those would be the best option. If you would like some recommendations, I'd be glad to give them to you.

If you can't talk about something that is bothering you then your marriage never would have lasted. Be upfront and honest with your husband and let him know you are a liar and a cheater. He will probably ask for a divorce and he deserves one, hopefully he will find someone who will treat him with respect and actually confront the problems that are hurting the relationship rather than running to the comfort of another guy in the form of adultry. As for you, well I wish you luck on trying to find your soul again.

And yes, this is harsh and I really don't care

I agree with Romefalls. I recommend calling it quits with both guys. Obviously you don't respect your husband enough to be faithful and why would you want to be with a guy that doesn't care if the person he's with is married? Sounds like a bad situation all around.

Having an affair is wrong and having an affair with someone you work with is worse.

I guess you don't know right from wrong since your asking people "should you stop saying this guy?" The answer from everyone would have course be yes, but the decision is something you have to make and only you. Hopefully you make the right choice before this situation get way of hand and if not sooner or later the guilt will eat you up, if you have a consience.