Ask Me Help Desk - Starting over?

I broke up with my boyfriend because he changed. After about two years of dating he has become careless with the relationship. Just hanging out with his friends more than with me, callling me less. It's like he lost interest. I talked to him about it... and he denied it. He tried to excuse himself and said that with me working all day( 9am to 6pm) we have less time, etc... But that's not a good enough reason! While we were having the conversation he just didn't even seem interested and blew me off for his friends once again! So I broke up with him. He called right away and said: I love the way you solve things, thanks for the effort... ( sarcastically). The things is it's 3 days later and I can't stop thinking about him. I know the relationship deteorated but I can't help still loving him. So I called him and asked him if he really wanted to end things, he said no. But... he didnt's try to get back with me either. OHH and I forgot to mention, the day after the break up he was seen by my friends with another girl in a place where we always go out! He said she was a friend... I believe him... Now we have decided to start fresh. Just be friends for now and go from there. He said he doesn't want to give up on us but since I don't really show much affection towards him, he stop being the way he was. It's true too.. I never call him, he calls me. He's the one who's always initiang everything, when we meet, where... Anyway, its going good so far, he calls a lot more, we laugh more... etc! But the things is I do want him back and that's why Im trying the friend thing but if not I wouln't and I really don't want to extend the goodbye if things between us are really over. All my friends were really happy when they heard the news about my breakup and now Im going behing everyone's back trying to fix things with this guy. I really really love him but Im scared that he just doesn't feel the same way. Im confused , so as an outsider not biased by feelings, should I let him go even if I still love him? I can't really talk about this to anyone else, so any help would be great!

yes many break ups usually one still loves the other even often it is the one that did the breaking up and the other was a real pure jerk.
Trust me once a guy starts taking you for granted it is all down hill from there.
I left my x husband so many times and took him back because he said he was willing to change and within three weeks to three months he was back to his same old making his friends and everything else priority.

Even when they are pure jerk and you are the one that said its over you still go through a stage of hurting but you will get through it and realize it was for the best

My ex and I broke up a week ago but he wants to start over and be friends and start fresh. He said he doesn't want to give up because he still loves me. Deep down I feel like giving up, but haven't because of the whole what ifs that will come after... Right now we're just talking (through the phone) but I feel like I have more feelings towards him, so I don't want to see him YET. I still love him so Im trying this out but I have been reading and haven't heard of anyone else going through this who has successfully been able to rekindle the flame... so is there hope of fixing a failed relationship by starting over fresh?

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so is there hope of fixing a failed relationship by starting over fresh?

Not unless you both resolve the issues that broke you up in the first place. What were they??

I put no effort into the relationship, according to him. Would never call , bad communication, no initiative. So he started losing interest in the relationship but now he tells me the whole starting over thing and won't let me move on

How old are you and him, and how long have you been going together?? Is anything he saying true, as to why he wanted a break??

We're 23 and have been going out for about 2 yrs. Yes it's true. Its hard for me to be in a relationship. I love him but I'm a loner... sord of. Also, I've been this way with him since get go. Why does he want me to change now?

You need to have a talk about what you guys want, otherwise this will probably just be a vicious circle. I say there is always hope, the question is how much work are you willing to put into it. It has to be a two way road, you cannot be the one to give everything or try to fix everything and vice versa. That will lead nowhere. I guess this is a chance for a second go, but before that things need to be clear as to what cause this break in the first place.

It may be a good idea to take a longer time out to see if you both really do want to go on with the relationship.

If there is no change in either of you or the way things were done before, you will get the same result no matter how many "fresh starts" are used up.

You say you've always been a loner & had problems with relationships. That would be a good place to start exploring how that really serves you and/or why that is so it doesn't keep being a problem if a relationship is ultimately what you will want. Doing it now with someone that cares about you is as good a time as any no matter what ends up happening with the relationship.

You have the opportunity to explore what it is you need to love & be loved as well as what works for you individually so being part of a couple doesn't make you feel smothered, etc.

There are tons of great books to do that self work with or you could see a professional to help you sort this stuff out & a combo is probably the best deal.

Really, it comes down to if the relationship & your partner is important enough to put some effort into or if it just feels like a burden to you. If it's something that can be a good thing for both of you, then take a few steps more in the right direction to see what can happen with the attraction that brought you guys together in the first place.

Good luck!

I'm not going to let this bring me down. It's only one part of my life. I will not die without him. Thanks for you help...

I have alredy addressed this subject here... but I still need help! I don't know what to do! :(

After the break up, we decided to be friends... so we could try to fix things. However, it's very weird for me and I don't know how to treat him. He calls me several times during the day but obviously treats me as a friend!! Is this how starting over should be? Do I really have to go through everything AGAIN?? Should we even see each other? He wants to see me but I don't because it feels like too soon. But I don't want tell him that I don't want to see him because he might just stop calling.. As you can see Im still not used to the idea that we are just friends and that it is very possible that he has moved on (since he didn't actually want to get back together... ) We've been trhough a lot and I just can't believe that we have to be friends and start over to fix things... Is he just messing with my head?

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Originally Posted by confused gal

But I dont want tell him that I dont want to see him because he might just stop calling.. As you can see Im still not used to the idea that we are just friends and that it is very possible that he has moved on.

The truth is you are still hoping that that new "friendship" will make things back together again. As you said he has moved on and you are not. For people who are "WILLING" to move on NC is HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. Why? It puts you back perpective, it heals some pains, it subsides anger, put you back inperspective and "forget" some old feelings. As long as you are not doing that, moving on will be less successful.. soon.

If your not going to communicate to resolve your problems, this game ain't worth playing.

Hi :P

I can now say that men want what they can't have... it's so ugh! If you are wondering why I say this, then continue on reading :) If not.. then post your reaction to this comment.

Until a week ago, I was in a relationship of two years. It was not going well, there were repeated fights about everything and I must admit I became the naggy girlfriend for the past 6 months. So I ended up pushing him away every day more and more, until he broke up with me! On my birthday... By the way! I was unhappy and I wanted him to make me happy! But now after the brekup I have been able to see things clearly and understand that I need to find happiness within myself. I even understood how unhappy I was actually making his life! Which is why I wrote him an email! But no, I did not write him to forgive me, or did I beg him to come back. I did the opposite! I told him that the relationship had been stuck a long time ago and that it took the break up for me to realize how much pain we were causing each other. I said quote: Breaking up is the best thing we could have done! And I was happy with that! I accepted the break up and am ready to now move on. But now, he keeps calling! He saying that he misses me. That he still has my pictures. He is just acting like the breakup never even happened. And to top things up, he gets jealous if I go out because he thinks that I am going out with someone else! :(

I don't want to hurt his feelings anymore, but I don't think I want to be with him right now after everything that happened. I still love him but I can't just do what he's doing... I can't pretend othing happened... But I don't want to complicate things either by talking about it! Hmmmm... I'm just sick of the drama! But I do want him in my life! Im so confused... Any help?

If you want him in your life now is not the time for it.

Officially break up and follow the no contact guidelines, if in retrospect you are comfortable and feel the break up was the best option, this is your best option.

Yes, when he broke up with you it was his choice and he was in control and probably felt better knowing that you were upset and missing him. Your email challenged all of that thinking and put yourself back in control of your life and let him know that you were hurting and that you accepted the breakup. Turning him into the clingy/what have I done person that you were.

Do what is right for you and get on your own two feet because as you know going back like this will not change either of you and you will just be continuing in your dysfunction.

I'm going through something initially similar right now. My boyfriend and I just broke up recently for many of the same reasons as you. I became the nagging girlfriend and we would argue about every small detail. It got to the point where I was just bringing him down and causing us pain so I broke it up. I also need to find the happiness in myself.

I would have to say, move on. The arguments don't disappear. The problems are still unresolved. You had to break up to shed light on your personal problems. Now that you realize your inner struggle, you can rectify it, without him. The only reason he is calling and pretending like nothing has happened is because it's very difficult for him to see the person he has just broken up with move on. This is essentially a trap. You are correct in not allowing yourself to forget the problems. Don't pick up his calls and try to find your inner happiness first.

Stop talking to him, that solves 99% of your problems right there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by confused gal

Hi :P

I can now say that men want what they can't have... it's so ugh! If you are wondering why I say this, then continue on reading :) If not.. then post your reaction to this comment.

Until a week ago, I was in a relationship of two years. It was not going well, there were repeated fights about everything and I must admit I became the naggy girlfriend for the past 6 months. So I ended up pushing him away every day more and more, until he broke up with me! On my birthday... By the way! I was unhappy and I wanted him to make me happy! But now after the brekup I have been able to see things clearly and understand that I need to find happiness within myself. I even understood how unhappy I was actually making his life! Which is why I wrote him an email! But no, I did not write him to forgive me, or did I beg him to come back. I did the opposite! I told him that the relationship had been stuck a long time ago and that it took the break up for me to realize how much pain we were causing each other. I said quote: Breaking up is the best thing we could have done! And I was happy with that! I accepted the break up and am ready to now move on. But now, he keeps calling! He saying that he misses me. That he still has my pictures. He is just acting like the breakup never even happened. And to top things up, he gets jealous if I go out because he thinks that I am going out with someone else! :(

I dont want to hurt his feelings anymore, but I dont think I want to be with him right now after everything that happened. I still love him but I can't just do what he's doing... I can't pretend othing happened... But I don't want to complicate things either by talking about it! hmmmm.... I'm just sick of the drama! But I do want him in my life! Im so confused... Any help?

Hmm, difficult situation indeed. But I will arguee that women also want what they can't have, there for you would be wiser to state that some people want what they can't have. Other wise you are creating Psychological complexes that can decieve you from reality and lead too much suffering. Just letting you know, so you don't start to actually think that men are all the same, because we're not.

You were unhappy to begin with, started making his life misserable by "nagging" him. Maybe the break up was a good thing, yet, you must understand that you are going to go through with drawls (Much the way a cocaine addict does.) from not being around him, also to make it harder you will feel depressed... You will morne for the relationship that though was dysfunctional, still gave you at times a euphoric feeling; however, few and far between. The balance is broken, and you keep swaying from one extream to the other, happy (euphoric) and frustrated (angery/affraid.).
Until you can let go of that, and not be consumed with him/the relationship, you would be wisest to have no contact. But not forever, just until you get intouch with your inner self, and find that "happiness". It is said in some stress studies that people are not done with the stress of a break up for at least a year. Our bodies store the stress and every day we see the person, or are confronted with the relationship we are stressed, so it maybe even longer, but after a year if you haven't over come the pain and grown to live your life in a healthier way, then you may not ever. The important thing is to let it go so you can find yourself, yes be mindful of others feelings, but if you and him are not together, then you are "free" to take responsibility for your actions and go out with some one if you want to. The reason he hurts is because he chooses to focus on the thing he lost, like most of us do, and thus he is consumed with suffering. He can not grow, and can not find happiness until he lets go of what you two had. Other wise the pain will be in the for front of his mind, driving all thoughts to negative, depressing, self destructive, and selfish thoughts. While he does this he isn't thinking of you, even if he "changes" it will be hard to say if he is happy, since he wasn't happy on his own. (really he won't change, just put on an act to make it seem like he has so he can achieve his goal, to be with you; Thus, he gets his love drug back and feels the euphoria for a time until it goes backthe way it was or you realise the lie and leave. {Yes, some people do change, but that is so very few and far between that I've never heard of it but in a movie.}) Be mindful, he must change for himself, and that means he has to let go of you to work on himself, and the same goes for you.

I believe the reason he is sending pictures is because he is going through with drawls, and depression. He gets a shot of dopamine every time he talks to you, giving him the illusion that he can get with you again. Though that maybe true, you would be wise to make sure he grows on his own too or life maybe very decieving in the future. The boost of dopamine is like a little fix of cocaine; it stimulates the appitive pleasure center located in the septic region of the lymbic system of the brain. This region, I believe, is a very large contributor to addiction, and maybe even many perversions; such as, odd sexual behaviours, a person's desire to cut/seek pain for pleasure, and many more.

If you are worried about him being jelous still, then you are not broken up, you are in relationship limbo and can not, heal/grow on a personal level/find yourself/be yourself; for, you are restricting yourself, locking yourself away, to protect him/hisfeelings. This may seem harsh but, his feelings are his own; only he is responsible for them, not you. Nothing you do can really change them, only he has the power to help himself. Yes, you are very kind, considerate, compationate, caring, loving, and more; but you don't seem to love yourself enough to grant yourself the same graces. Tell me, how kind to your needs are you?

You don't want to be with him, but you still love him, fair enough. Many people who splite still love one another. YOu don't want to push him out of your life, so don't, but for a time (you decide when you're ready.), maybe it's best to go No contact so you can focus, and so he can too. Other wise, keep facing the same old drama, and replay the same scenarios over and over again. You can always pick up the phone when you're ready and hang with him again, but after you've both had a chance to grow/heal and ultimately find yourselves again. The choice is yours...

Good luck, and take care.

May peace and kindness be with you.

It doesn't always happen this way. A lot of times when you email the ex a "goodbye letter," then he takes it as it is and just says "thank you." That's all. He then moves on with his life and you with yours. I've never experienced it, but I bet it's a gratifying feeling when he's become what you once were; and acting jealous/clingy.