My fiancée and I were to get married in Dec 2008. However I am not sure if he is ready for the commitment because his exgirlfriend (who he lived in with for 7 years) still calls him and they are emotionally close. In fact when we have conflicts in our relationship he has admitted to discussing me with her. We have major fights because of this and now are not sure if we are going to go ahead. I called his ex and told her to stay away (she lives in a diff city) however I think they are still in touch. He is not sure if he loves me and wants to get married now. And I feel very confused and hurt too. Should I end this engagement and go on with my life. I love his very much and feel he loves me too. But it is a matter of his ego which is causing him to be harsh to me. Any advise on how to deal with this... any similar experience... appreciate the share... thanks.

Hi bewildered... 7 years is a long time, I have to say is he over her! One things for sure you must not marry until this is totally sorted out one way or another, or it will be 3 in your marriage.

He should not be discussing your private affairs with anyone, yet alone his ex.It is down to him if he loves you to break all ties with this girl.
I think you are going to have to give him an ultimatum... her or me... if he still says well.. we're just friends.. leave... he won't change, she will always be there to come between you. Don't put yourself through it, if he loves you that much he'll leave her alone or put her in her place.

When in doubt, don't.

I am a guy and I am engaged (more then a year now). If my Fiancée and I fought and I went back and talked to any of my ex's I think she would end the engagement and relationship right away. And I have to say the same goes for me. Granted Neither one of us lived with a different person for 7 years but still to me that person should be completely out of the picture.

I think if you are going to marry someone the person you are going to marry has to be your best friend. My fiancée and I are best friends we can talk about any and everything. We do fight but usually I will go cool down or she will go cool down and then we sit down and talk about it. I don't call any of my friends and vent to them and she doesn't call any of her friends and vent to them. Once we finally calm down we talk it out the way friends and couples need to talk it out. If I were you I would leave period! But that's just me

Sorry I though my post didn't go through

If you 2 are going to be married and you are going to be his wife... he needs to respect you and discontinue ALL connections with this girl 100%. Quite honestly, you shouldn't have even put up with it for this long. They broke up for a reason... the past is the past and out of respect for u... he shouldn't be talking about you to her... she's loving every bit of it. Don't call her anymore... she's loving that she's getting under your skin too... put it all on his plate. Either he cuts the cord with her 100% because he loves you and doesn't want to lose you over it... or you're gone. If he truly loves you and he's ready to make you his wife... these games aren't going to matter and he'll choose you ever her any day. You just got to lay it out there. Good luck to you!!

The sad part is that the ex was pretty close to his family as well. His mother thinks it is OK for them to be friends and tells me that I am being too controlling. In fact I used to talk with her and advise her during the initial part of our relationship (my fiancée and I have been together for 3 years now). She has had two unsuccessful relationships and keeps talking to my fiancée every time a relationship breaks. In fact when I object to it, it makes me look like I am the cruel and insecure one.

Bewidered27... if the inlaws are on her side ,after 7 years there's lots of history... forget it, actually 10 years if you add your 3 years because she's still on the scene.
ONly one person can sort this and that's your fiancée.

He says he loves only me but she is his good friend. He would not marry her because she is unfaithful but he says" Both of us have shared a lot and we both mutually like and respect one and another inspite of all our short comings.We have just moved on to another level, that as friends.And it is best that everyone concerned understands that". I am not sure if I should take his word for it... my fear is that this woman is keeping him emotionally dependent on her so she can have an emotional crutch when she needs one. She was recently engaged and I heard from his mother that it was broken recently.

Am I making a mistake in punishing him for his past? Am I being too paranoid about this "friendship"?

He says he doesn't call that often just once in 3 months every time she has a problem and needs a shoulder to cry on... am really bewildered. Because apart from this we do have great times togethe...

Bewidered... how can he respect her if she has already been unfaithful ?

Normally I would say yes that's good that they can still be friends, but there's friends that you see now and then or at a function etc... then there's friends who are constantly interfering in your life, be it indirectly or not, she has more say than she should have, and that can never be right.

The way I see it is you've got 2 choices... you either put up with her interferring being as nice as you can be ,so that your fiancée can see what a wonderful person you are... understanding and so on for the rest of your life... or you can stand firm and say look if we bump into her at a function or family gathering or at your Mum's, well so be it, but I don't want her coming round expecting you to support her through all her ups and downs, she can talk to her own family and friends your not the only friend she has.
I think the second option is the best, it will be bad enough having her around at family gatherings... christmas etc... before you know it he'll be inviting her to your wedding.

Remember this... she thinks nothing of cheating on a person so don't give her the chance

Precisely what I thought... if she is unfaithful, it won't be too difficult for her to work on my fiancée. And lol... that you mention it... she is a singer and she was supposed to sing at our wedding. But after the drilling down I gave her I doubt she will be there.

The sad part is that my fiancée thinks I am controlling how he can be friends with? And he thinks I am insecure. In fact we are not talking marriage anymore. The wedding is in a few months and we are not able to get beyond this to take care of arrangements.

The other thing is that I work in a different city from my fiancée and the fight happened when I was with him and I left town after that. Should I go back and try to revive the relationship? I did slap him and feel very bad about that.

Bewildered... NO... if he's that bothered let him contact you... he needs to think long and hard about this situation before it can be resolved, otherwise it will continue.

I think it will be a good test of his love for you.

Orphan... thank you so very much for your advise. I was thinking of sending him an email because he is not even willing to talk civilly about what's happening. He labels me as horrible, evil and someone how is destroying his life... I find this so hard to digest after being there for him when he need my love and support. I think I will just sit tight and wait for him to call. I am just worried that he may take too long calling. He is very stubborn.

The longer he takes to figure out what's the right thing to do, the further away you should be. Maybe this is the event you need to open your eyes to him, and don't ruin it by blindly giving in, or giving up... on what you think is right.

What he is showing you is that he'd rather defend an inappropriate "friendship" with her (that's only a few steps away from an emotional affair if it's not already) at all costs including calling you horrible names than explain to her that she threw away her chance with him & he has no more time to waste on her or her problems.

If you marry him, he will continue to act that way even if this one gets run over by a steam roller & disappears off the face of the earth. He will latch on to a co-worker that is "just a friend" & accuse you again of being too jealous, etc.

The way he avoids intimacy with you is to have a barrier between you that is a female he choses to be too close to & confide things he shouldn't to while making you feel bad for wanting a husband you don't have to share with another woman. That pattern isn't likely to change without a lot of work on his part in learning what proper boundaries are for a married / committed man. And letting his family bash on you isn't a good habit for him to have either, he's letting them pile up on you to get his way which he will also be likely to keep doing. So your decisions with him, private or not, may end up always be a vote from everyone else he allows to put their two cents in at your expense.

Is that what you want to have as a "till death do us part" married life?

If he won't get professional help with you so you can both be on the same page about this, he will just keep bullying you into getting only his way, what you want won't matter any more to him later than it does now.

I'm sorry that after so such time he is treating you so disrespectfully but you are lucky to be thinking it all out now instead of after the wedding.