Ask Me Help Desk - My boyfriend has no interest in sex anymore?

Hey Everyone,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years. He is 29 and I am 23. We have been living together for close to 2 years, but I was working out of town for the entire time so we would only see each other on the weekends, meaning we would only have sex once a week. Recently I took a job in the city so now we get to see each other all the time, the only downside, I'm noticing my boyfriend barely has a sex drive! In the beginning we used to do it all the time, it was awesome, and we used to get really into it. Now I'm lucky if I get it once a week, and he just doesn't seem even into it anymore. Last time (which was over a week ago) he didn't even finish, he kind of just quit in the middle.

I know he is not cheating, I trust him. He tells me he loves me all the time, he stills wants to cuddle; he kisses me & hugs me all the time and can be very affectionate with me, but the sex is barely there anymore. I've tried talking to him about it, and he says he's just so tired with work & everything else on top of it, and that he just doesn't have any energy. I told him, " well how come you have so much energy to go to the gym, and go biking and spend time with your friends, and for work, but no energy to make love to me?" Whenever I try he always says, come here lets just cuddle. I am seriously getting tired of all this rejection. I know he is not doing this on purpose, and he doesn't see that it is hurting me.

I just don't get, I'm at a loss for words as he got upset with me last night when I brought it up. He says I am being mean, but I'm not, I said he is the one being mean because he is making me feel like a piece of garbage. What should I do? I have tried to spice it up but that doesn't work either... I don't have a high-libido or anything, but this is supposed to be the time in our lives when we have the most sex! How do I get us out of this dry spell, or am I going to be stuck in this forever? Thanks for your help in advance!

I've seen this before.
It seems that sometimes moving in together can stagnate some passions.

A. Some part of him may be having doubts
B. The loss of the chase may be playing a part

So, here are my questions to you:

1) When the subject of marriage comes up, how does it go? Who brings it up?
Does it come up at all?
2) Did you have a hot and heavy start and now it has dropped off? How much is not much sex in your opinion?

My response to follow:

We had a conversation about marriage the other day and he told me flat-out that he is feeling extremely pressured about it lately, and that he is just not ready to take that step yet. I told him that I wasn't either, but that he knows that it is important to me and that yes one day I do want to get married. I want us to go into a marriage with every aspect of our relationship in order, including sex life. I mean, that's the rest of our lives together, a HUGE step...

Also, we did have a hot & heavy start, but different to a lot of peoples. When we first started dating, he worked out of town for the first 9 months, so when we got to see each other every 10 days, he would come home for 4 days and we had sex all the time, very intense and sometimes 2-3 times a day.

Then I started working out of town with him for a year... we both worked in very demanding jobs, 50+ hours a week and serious travel time everyday, so when we got home we didn't have any energy for anything, because we would get home at 7:30 pm, and then we would have to get up again the next day at 4:30 am. So when we started doing this is was awesome, because finally we got to be together, so we had sex 3-4 times a week, it was great, But eventually that started to cool, and then the once every 2 weeks started up again...

I know this is probably all confusing, we did not have a normal relationship for the first 2 years, so it's hard for people to understand exactely where I am coming from with this! LOL...

SO now, we are back to a "regular" schedule.. working normal hours, home at decent time, normal everyday life... and I only recently started this, like a couple weeks, and already the sex has cooled... don't know what to do!

He is manipulating you and leading you on, so that means to me that the relationship is over, you just don't want to accept that.

He is getting something out of being with you... you cook? pay some bills? Listen to his problems? Clean the apartment? And so on...

I'm a great believer in marriage for women. That is the best way to go if you chose a good man. :)

Time for you to move on... sure it will hurt for a number of months, but YOU ARE STILL YOUNG!!

Move on and find a better man is my opinion.

Good Luck, girl, :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by peachy_keen18

we had a conversation about marriage the other day and he told me flat-out that he is feeling extremely pressured about it lately, and that he is just not ready to take that step yet. I told him that I wasn't either, but that he knows that it is important to me and that yes one day I do want to get married. I want us to go into a marriage with every aspect of our relationship in order, including sex life. I mean, that's the rest of our lives together, a HUGE step...

Also, we did have a hot & heavy start, but different to a lot of peoples. When we first started dating, he worked out of town for the first 9 months, so when we got to see eachother every 10 days, he would come home for 4 days and we had sex all the time, very intense and sometimes 2-3 times a day.

Then I started working out of town with him for a year... we both worked in very demanding jobs, 50+ hours a week and serious travel time everyday, so when we got home we didn't have any energy for anything, because we would get home at 7:30 pm, and then we would have to get up again the next day at 4:30 am. So when we started doing this is was awesome, because finally we got to be together, so we had sex 3-4 times a week, it was great, But eventually that started to cool, and then the once every 2 weeks started up again...

I know this is probably all confusing, we did not have a normal relationship for the first 2 years, so it's hard for people to understand exactely where I am coming from with this!! LOL...

SO now, we are back to a "regular" schedule.. working normal hours, home at decent time, normal everyday life... and i only recently started this, like a couple weeks, and already the sex has cooled... don't know what to do!!

BINGO.

1. He is having anxiety about the relationship
- If you told him it's really not something you care about, that might help. But is it honest?

2. every relationship cools a bit... sometimes unfortunately it's just one person that initiates the cooling. He may have deep down liked the space you started with - and the intense get-togethers.
- if you are OK with sex that is a bit more sporadic I'd say try to see how you can adjust. I just don't think a guy is going to get turned on by being asked to perform more. I'd say do the opposite.. make him chase. Go out with girls... leave him be... asking him why he had so much "enery at the gym?" is not a turn on.
Make him work. Do not initiate...

But again is this really you? It may help, but will you enjoy it.

3. IF this is a committed relationship and going places, in the end you'll need to open up the lines of communication. Tell him when you are in the mood and what you might do to get him in the mood: fantasy, porn, flirt, lingerie, notes, etc... but all this will be overwhelming at once. Maybe a good time to see where you all stand. This could be time to make things even better - and surprise each other with the joys of intimacy in a trusting committed relationship with no boundaries... but again, 1 and 2 are in play here. So, you need to see how serious this is some time...

I just seen this thread now as I am a 30 year old male who has lost all desire for my partner. She is the mother of our 2 year old daughter but we rarely have sex. She constantly pesters me for sex, early nights, cuddles etc and I am never interested. I can't understand this at all - she is an attractive 30 year old, I'm not gay! we have a wonderful family, lovely home, holidays every year etc.
I tried viagra (or a variation of it) from the doctors but that did nothing. After a lot of research I've found that some guys, who find they completely lose their libido can be lacking in testosterone. I'm going for a test, in the hope that this is the reason for my lack of interest in being intimate in any way with my good lady.
I've post the results when the blood tests come back...