Ask Me Help Desk - New Girlfriends Past

Ok, I suspect that everyone who reads this post will think I'm being retarded since I think most people would think her past is really no "big deal". So I guess I'm not the most experienced 24 yr old guy. She is my 4th partner I've had sex with. I'm her 6th. She is 23 years old we went to the same high school. We have been dating for a month and a half.

While the number alone really doesn't scare me that much, I'm not really impressed by it.

What bothers me is this..

She confessed that she had just recently, before meeting me, had slept with a long time friend, It only happened once, and it was a mistake.

This was a big deal to me because I see him around town. And I don't like the Idea of sex outside the context of a relationship.

This was a big hurdle, but I made myself get over it, because before meeting her, I had re-hooked up with one my exes for sex. Not the same thing, but kind of close, I'm not prefect.

We move past that.

So this weekend she says she has something that is bothering her. She tells me about her first partner, six years ago. He is someone I know. I live in a small town, and he is actually someone I like.

I really have a problem with this, as I feel like it cheapens what I have when I see people around town who have slept with her. Albeit it was only once or twice, and she regrets it, it still bothers me and is a big issue I have with her. I don't like the idea at all.

I really don't think I'm in secure, its just at times, her past makes me think she isn't worthy enough for me..

She has had more sex with guys outside the context of a relationship than inside a relationship... To me that is a huge red flag.

But I really do enjoy spending time with her, we have a lot in common. She is the most beautiful girl I've dated. She is very smart and witty and can keep up with my fast thinking brain. I love everything about her except this.

Should it be enough that she regrets her past and knows it was a mistake?

She also told me that she is very ashamed of her second partner, and couldn't tell me his first name. She said she was hanging out with the wrong crowd, I told her is wasn't making things look better by not remembering his name, she said she has tried to block it out of her memory completely, Im not really buying it.

I guess the root of the problem is in my own head

I expect to find a normal, social, beautiful girl, who is smart and attractive yet has had very few partners and has a past I can accept. What exactly that past is that I can accept, I don't know.

It's just very hard to feel like I really have a great catch when I see others around town who have been "with" her before me..

Everyone in my family thinks a lot of her, if they knew her past, they'd freak. My family is very conservative. I really think there is a future with her, a really good chance of a long term relationship, should I convince myself to accept her past? Or hold to my ideals, that may have me single for my whole life. She is perfect except for the sexual past.

I don't think I'm jealous of the guys, I comfortable with myself, and I know I'm much more to her than any of those losers she had before me. Thinking about it just makes me think she doesn't deserve me.

What should I do?

The fact that you seem to believe that you must compromise your own moral or personal beliefs is already a bad sign.

You will not just put this in a closet and let it lie.

I can see this issue being brought up by you, whenever things get tough, and you feel the need to get a good hook in, when you two are having difficulties.

You can't change it, and you can't accept it, so I would say you should find someone who fits your own ideals of being pure or moral.

Quote:

Originally Posted by progunr

The fact that you seem to believe that you must compromise your own moral or personal beliefs is already a bad sign.

You will not just put this in a closet and let it lie.

I can see this issue being brought up by you, whenever things get tough, and you feel the need to get a good hook in, when you two are having difficulties.

You can't change it, and you can't accept it, so I would say you should find someone who fits your own ideals of being pure or moral.

We have talked about it, I told her 100% what my problem was with it. I was 100% honest with her.

Quote:

Thinking about it just makes me think she doesn't deserve me.

If you were as secure as you say and have been as honest, what is it you expect her to do about her past??? She has learned, and moved on, why keep rehashing it, and throwing your displeasure in her face?? Let her go, and find someone who can live in the present, for the future, and leave the past where it belongs... in the past.

If you were really honest, you would let her go, and leave her alone, if you can't handle where she came from. Your problem, not hers. She is being honest also.

Had to spread the rep Tal, but perfect answer!

To add onto Tal's response, my father always had a saying for people who always lived in the past

"If you can't handle where someone came from, you don't deserve to be with them when they get where their going" and I am a FIRM believer in that statement.

Everyone makes mistakes, nobody is perfect, and if you are looking for perfection you will be alone forever. What do you want, someone to come along and say "I have been saving myself for you?" It's not going to happen. Everyone has a past, we chose to either accept it and move forward from it or you don't. Me and my present girlfriend have an agreement, nothing about the past gets brought up. We are living for today, not yesterday

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

If you were as secure as you say and have been as honest, what is it you expect her to do about her past??? She has learned, and moved on, why keep rehashing it, and throwing your displeasure in her face??? Let her go, and find someone who can live in the present, for the future, and leave the past where it belongs......................in the past.

If you were really honest, you would let her go, and leave her alone, if you can't handle where she came from. Your problem, not hers. She is being honest also.

I don't expect her to do anything about her past. I haven't kept throwing displeasure in her face.. she confessed to me, I thought about it, and gave her a calm response, conveying my concerns with it.

I was coming here to get help on how to deal with a past that isn't optimal. We are living in the present, I was honest, I told her that her past concerned me when we talked about it. Its not something that is ruling the relationship, its more like a quiet concern. She is or thinks she is in-love with me, and wonder where I've been her whole life. We have a really good thing.

I know the problem is in my head, I'm pretty sure I conveyed those actual words. Instead of breaking up with someone I can see a future with, I was hoping to get some advice that would help me move past it and cope with it.

Yes you did, and I think the best way to cope is to appeciate who she is now, and how lucky you are to have her. Never mention it to her, ever again. In time, the good times will be the memories you have, as you move forward.

That's your key, to always look forward. It may be kind of fresh for you at this point, but it will fade, if you let it!

Thanks for the advice.

If you really love her why would you try to make her feel bad by bringing up her past? Love isn't always about getting, or what she can do for you. Love is also about giving, being strong for the person you're with, and making their life better.

I was once in your shoes and felt like you did. Ultimately, I decided that my thinking was too hard-line, too judgmental, and would ultimately prevent me from having the type of life that I wanted. Learning to judge less and be more accepting of people has been one of the unexpected life lessons that came out of my relationship. But whatever you decide, good luck to you.