Ask Me Help Desk - Dealing with grief and depression?

Hi everyone, I'm new to this site and have found a lot of the insight you offer very helpful so I thought it might be a good idea to get a different perspective on my current situation.
Im 25 and not really sure what I want to do with my life, recently I moved to New Zealand with my boyfriend of 2 years he's 21. He left all his friends and family behind to move with me.
It was hard to live together at first and we both worked very hard to get ourselves financially supported. We have been living together for 10 months and he's my best friend. Our problem is sexual. Since we moved sex has become a rarity with the lights off.
I know that relationships slow down etc but this keeps cropping up. He says he has no sex drive and doesn't even masturbate. Now I've tried my best to do what I can but I'm at a loss as to how to solve the problem. He says he's depressed as he is unhappy in his job and a family member and a friend have passed away in the time that we moved. I don't know whether it is grief that is affecting him or what. I've offered to go to the doctors with him to see what we can do. Every time we argue he always says he misses home and wants to go back. I've never stopped him and only want him to be happy. I love him so much I would rather he be happy than miserable but when I mention this he thinks I'm trying to ditch him. If I was selfish I would tell him I want him stay here with me.
This is only my second relationship and the second person I've slept with so I'm confused and hurt. Im prepared to give my all but I don't know if that's enough. Any ideas?
Thanks for your help.

I think you need to make it very clear to your boyfriend that you love him and that you want him to be happy, that of course you want him to stay in New Zealand with you, but it is important that he is healthy. Depression affects every part of your life, including your sex drive. It can literally wipe the sex drive out and make it non existent. Seeking help for depression can be a very scary thing, try to approach it lightly. Have you heard of St. Johns Wort? I have referenced it on this web site before. It is a natural supplement that can aid tremendously in depression. I have taken it myself for depression/anxiety. It takes a couple of weeks to actually get through your system but it isn't harsh and hard to quit like the prescription stuff. Maybe you should mention St. Johns Wort to your boyfriend and in turn tell him to ask his doctor about it. (Not all doctors agree with natural medicine - if yours doesn't I would recommend seeking a 2nd opinion).

Maybe it would help your boyfriend to have a release... does he write, sing.. anything? Pouring out some of those feelings can help.

Um how about the fact that he's 21 and you're 25, so that means when you were 18, he was 14, and uh have you ever heard that girls mature faster than guysss? 2 years is not a lot of time to be traipsing halfway around the world with a person who you've left your entire friends and family for. Consider the fact that he's feeling massive amounts of fear and pressure regarding your relationship. How did his family feel about this move? I mean anyone would be initially excited to go on this trip, but maybe he's feeling like its PERMANENT. That word scares 21 yr old manboys. Of you want to help him, encourage him to go where he wants to be. And not a whiny "go if it makes you happy", I mean really encourage him! He's halfway around the world for chrissakes! He's missing out on all this stuff back at home and truthfully, he may secretly resent you, like your trying to trap him into something. He probably really doesn't have a sex drive, I don't blame him- consider the stress he's under.
As for you, you need to look at what you really want in life.

Quote:

he always says he misses home and wants to go back.

Give him a ticket and say adiós. His head is not into this and you have to let him go, as he ain't ready for what you want from a relationship.

He is home sick, let him go while there is still some communication between you. You can't change how he feels only he can do that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ronichan

Hi everyone, im new to this site and have found alot of the insight you offer very helpful so i thought it might be a good idea to get a different perspective on my current situation.
Im 25 and not really sure what i want to do with my life, recently i moved to New Zealand with my boyfriend of 2 years he's 21. He left all his friends and family behind to move with me.
It was hard to live together at first and we both worked very hard to get ourselves financially supported. We have been living together for 10 months and he's my best friend. Our problem is sexual. Since we moved sex has become a rarity with the lights off.
I know that relationships slow down etc but this keeps cropping up. He says he has no sex drive and doesnt even masturbate. Now i've tried my best to do what i can but im at a loss as to how to solve the problem. He says he's depressed as he is unhappy in his job and a family member and a friend have passed away in the time that we moved. I don't know whether it is grief that is affecting him or what. I've offered to go to the doctors with him to see what we can do. Everytime we argue he always says he misses home and wants to go back. I've never stopped him and only want him to be happy. I love him so much i would rather he be happy than miserable but when i mention this he thinks im trying to ditch him. If I was selfish i would tell him i want him stay here with me.
This is only my second relationship and the second person i've slept with so im confused and hurt. Im prepared to give my all but i dont know if thats enough. Any ideas?
Thanks for your help.

To my knowledge sex and happiness go hand in hand with men. If he is unhappy he'll be unhappy in bed. Have you tried asking him what he wants as you are both you that could be the issue. He may love you a lot and just really miss home. I have a problem with this also I moved from a small town on the east coast to a huge never sleeps city and can't even have a chicken. I am always saying I want to go home. However home may not be the best place for me either. I can't express enough on communication. You both have to find a way to communicate. Try writing notes to each other with questions and leaving them on the table when your done. This way you can think about your responses and maybe be able to be more honest. Ask him what he wants if you really do want to work it out with him be prepared for him to say he wants to go home. If he does not say that then you will know where to begin. Does that make sense?

Sue

somberfrog- that's the best advice I've had.
We have sat down together and talked things through- we even ended up having sex. He said he needed to express how he feels and we are starting to do things about it together. He said he needed to know that I can be his support- and I am. Thanks very much for your help. It's always good to see the other side of things.

Wow... so wait... you're telling me that communication actually solved a relationship problem... Are you sure? This can't be that easy... I must be missing something

**ALL DONE IN SARCASM!**

Congrats Roni, I am proud to see that you went the communication route

Well, looks like it did help. Personally I feel if more people were just open to communication we would all be happier. I mean communication is tricky sometimes people talk to each other but they don't listen. Or Sometimes people talk and can't hear because they are on different communication skill levels. All we can do is try and love is work the risk.

Sue

Quote:

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Wow...so wait...you're telling me that communication actually solved a relationship problem...Are you sure? This can't be that easy...I must be missing something

**ALL DONE IN SARCASM!**

Congrats Roni, I am proud to see that you went the communication route

I'm really glad you spoke to each other, sometimes it's that easy. Just be aware that you have to keep it up. ALL people have short term memories so make sure from time to time you just shoot him a card or a flower or a gift you think he will like just to remind him you're in this together.. Hugs help a lot also lol..

Sue

Quote:

Originally Posted by ronichan

somberfrog- thats the best advice i've had.
We have sat down together and talked things through- we even ended up having sex. He said he needed to express how he feels and we are starting to do things about it together. He said he needed to know that I can be his support- and I am. Thanks very much for your help. It's always good to see the other side of things.