Hi,

My girlfriend/fiance is having doubts about us. In the past 2 years, we have broken up and gotten back together 3 times. Each time its been because she thinks that this isn't right and that she doesn't know if I am the one for her. She also cheated on me once. She didn't sleep with him, but she kissed him and then broke up with me. A month later I forgave her and we got back together.

Well, things went by for 2 months and then she broke up with me again for the same reason- she didn't feel this was right and she didn't know if I was the one. This breakup lasted about 3 weeks. I spoke to her often throughout the 3 weeks and she had suicidal thoughts . Her parents just had gotten divorced, she had broken up with me and she had lost her job. The night we got back together, I drove down to her to be with her and just tell her that everything was going to be all right. I told her I loved her and she told me that she loved me too. And we got back together that night.

That night was one month ago, and now she is saying the same things again. When I ask if she loves me, she says that sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn't. She told me that she isn't happy and that she doesn't know if this can work. She tells me that she isn't going to break up with me again because she says that the only way that things can end is if I let things go. She says that she will continue to try as long as I think that things will work.

I really do want things to work and I believe they can. I love her with all my heart, but it seems as though she doesn't love me with all of hers. We go through periods of weeks where things seem fine, only to have periods where things seem like they are going to end. I just need some advice on what to do in this situation. I realize that maybe this isn't the healthiest relationship, but we have survived this much for this long, I want to make this work.

On top of that, I'm afraid that she may become suicidal again if I break things off. She did the last time we broke up. I really care about her deeply and I don't want her to be hurt. I realize this relationship may be on its last legs, but at the same time, I feel that there is still a good chance we can work things out and have a lasting loving and successful relationship.

Please help.

From your point of view,"lemanruss58" this relationship is NOT over,and yet,your
Girlfriend/fiance is having doubts several times over...

... this is causing me quite a bit of concern. :(

Your girlfriend/fiance seems to me to be rather insecure [in that she needs a lot of
Assurance all the time :( ]

As you say,maybe this isn't the healthiest relationship, but at least you've survived this much for this long.

Continue to give your girlfriend/fiance LOTS of encouragement & I'm sure that
This relationship will be fine :)

"Suzie, I want you to know something. I know I'm not the "one" you're looking for. After having this talk with you over and over, I've come to realize YOU don't know what "the one" is either. So I'd like to tell you what "the one" is to me.

"The One isn't some specific person hiding away nearby, hoping you'll find them. The One isn't a fated destiny person. The One isn't even a person.

"The One is an attitude, The One is a decision and moment in life where I stop thinking about myself, and DECIDE to spend the rest of my life elevating someone else's needs above my own.

"The REAL "the one" is when two people reach that point at the same time. I know I'm not perfect and won't match any list of perfect traits you're looking for. But I don't believe you even know what might be on that list either.

"So let me ask you to consider something new. Stop working so hard to figure out if I'm "the one" for you and realize I am willing and ready and eager to make "the one" commitment to you. It is something I am offering, not something I am seeking. Instead of wondering if I'm "the one", look in your heart and decide it YOU are ready to make a "the one" commitment.

"You see, that's what's most important. We always grow and change and get better, and doing that based on a "the one" commitment TO each other means we will overcome anything and everything.

"We don't need to be perfect to commit to one another, we need to be perfectly fine doing the work that comes with "the one" relationship.

"Please ask yourself that question. I am so ready to offer you "the one" and not seek it from others, rather to MAKE it with you. If you can make the change in focus, too, there is nothing to stand in our way of a lifetime of success.

"Nothing."

I have BEEN there.

The pattern will NEVER end. Now, that said. People have written about living with depression. And how to deal with it in a relatiinship (google it as you wish).

If you think you can deal with this for a lifetime then keep going. It requires a ton of love and patience and frankly things will never be 100% fair. It will usually be more about her than you and when she rejects you - you'll just have to live with it. It will require sacrifice and some lonely days. If your love outweighs all that, then give her the support you can and try couple counseling. A third voice is often easier for a depressed person to listen to than their partners!

Also please note: if this feels like it is simply too much it is OK to move on. Just be fair and honest with her about it. Her demons are something that will go up and down - and deep down she just doesn't know what to say or do... but unfortunately you do... and that's why you are confused. You are thinking straight and do not have clinical depresssion. So, you have the right to decide if this marriage you can handle.


2 final questions:

1. What was her childhood and adolescence like??
May give some clues to how she views you and herself.

2. has she considered or is she taking presciption medication?

Thanks for all your help you.

Her childhood was rough. She was a Navy brat and moved all the time. She didn't have a lot of money growing up and times were always hard. Her Father cheated on her mom twice and they just recently got divorced.

She isn't on any medication, and she realizes that she needs counseling. And even though I've reminded her about getting counseling, she has yet to do so.

BINGO!!!

YA see? The window is there to look through - for better or worse. :-)

That's what she thinks about you: You may cheat. You may leave. You may move.


And ironically, she is going to make it a self-fulfilling prohecy. It is impossible to win.
And the double whammy. If you are too nice it'll just make her nervous. Ha! :-)
How do you combat her neurosis? It's tough. You need to stroke her ego a lot and create a financial and social environment that makes her protected at all times... friends, chats... bills taken care of. It is a bit more of a caregiver at times. But again, does the good outweigh the bad?

So, waddya do?

She isn't in counseling. She MAY need medication. And some days she doesn't love you enough - since she obviously doesn't love herself.

It's a lifetime job. She would probably flirt with divorce if you married so a pre-nup unfortunately would be under consideration (sorry to be so blunt) and the pre-nup would make her dount it more... Brother, my best advice is this: DO NOT DOUBT YOURSELF!

That is key. Just because she is a house of cards does not mean you are... You ARE sane so if she makes you doubt yourself - DON'T... you need to decide if you can do this forever (sometimes love is worth it) or take a break or stop for good. Only you know what's best. But it's important you have the facts.

Knowledge is power. (until the heart gets in the way :-)

She had a rough childhood. And I've re-assured her time and time again that I'm not going to cheat on her or leave her for anyone else. She's very independent and never asks for help, so I don't think it has anything to do with providing for her. Heck, she's even said a few times that she doesn't care about how rich we were as long as we built a life together.

She says that its my choice. She says that she isn't going to break up with me, but that its my choice whether to stay in the relationship. She says that she isn't going to force me to go or anything. She says that part of her wants this to work too, and that MAYBE we can build on that. Bottom line, she says that she will keep trying as long as I think that our relationship will work. The only problem is, is that it really doesn't seem to me like she's trying. Sometimes I have to fight for her time and attention, and sometimes even when we are together, she seems like she would rather be doing something else. So, I don't know.

I agree with Ash. She is very indecisive and most probably feels like there is someone 'better' out there for her. She is not ready for a relationship. She hasn't figured out what right for her is. She really doesn't need to be in any relationship until she gets to know herself and what she wants better.
To her trying to make the relationship work could mean "I will do my best to remain in the relationship happy or not I will stick with it for the ride''. That doesn't mean she will try and actually work at it herself. As long as you stay with her it is going to be a complacent shell of a relationship. I am not sure I would want to stay with her idea of a relationship if I were you. You can stick it out until she decides she wants out again but once that happens tell her it was her last time cause you don't plan on keep riding the same merry-go-round.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by lemanruss58

On top of that, I'm afraid that she may become suicidal again if I break things off. She did the last time we broke up.

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I can understand,that,it's NOT good to "keep riding the same merry-go-round" but
"lemanruss58" said that they he was afraid that she may become suicidal again.

Surely,that MUST be considered?

If she breaks up with him then it is on her.
He should not be responsible for her emotional health in the long run.

PLUS nobody should be emotionally blackmailed to stay with somebody if it isn't working out.
She NEEDS to get counseling.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by lemanruss58

She had a rough childhood. And I've re-assured her time and time again that I'm not gonna cheat on her or leave her for anyone else. She's very independent and never asks for help, so I don't think it has anything to do with providing for her. Heck, she's even said a few times that she doesn't care about how rich we were as long as we built a life together.

She says that its my choice. She says that she isn't gonna break up with me, but that its my choice whether to stay in the relationship. She says that she isn't gonna force me to go or anything. She says that part of her wants this to work too, and that MAYBE we can build on that. Bottom line, she says that she will keep trying as long as I think that our relationship will work. The only problem is, is that it really doesn't seem to me like she's trying. Sometimes I have to fight for her time and attention, and sometimes even when we are together, she seems like she would rather be doing something else. So, I dunno.

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Ok. I hear you. But the main point of my posts to you remains.

1. Telling her you are not going to leave is not going to solve too much
2. She's very independent because she doesn't want (and even fears) asking for help... even when she feels it
So, it's protection device. So, I do not consider that a real solutuion.
3. "Maybe you can build on that"? Is not good for YOU to live with
- see this is what I'm getting at? This is your choice now. She is what she is.*

*SHE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE WITHOUT INTENSE COUNSELINGWHICH SHE NEEDS (or maybe medication)... otherwise YOU PROBABLY JUST NEED TO ACCEPT THE UPS AND DOWNS... CAN YOU?

That's really the only major question. That, and can you not doubt yourself.

So, in many ways it's more about you than her.

As for suicidal thoughts. You cannot (sadly and unfortunately) let that weigh on the status of your relationship. You CAN get her help and try to do all you can do to take it seriously and share real love, but you cannot live your life based on threats.

I appreciate any and all advice I can get in this situation.

I know that there are two sides to every situation, but honestly I want nothing more than to marry her and build a life together. At the same time however, I need the same commitment from her first. I can't marry this girl without her wanting it. I am willing to stick with this relationship and see if we can work through our issues. I just hope I can. Any advice on that would be very welcome. Thank you very much.

You can stay in the relationship and see where it goes but I agree do not rush into anything. Keep building on your relationship and encourage her to get counseling or some type of help to sort out her feelings. If she breaks it off again do not be so easy or eager to work it out again.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by lemanruss58

At the same time however, I need the same commitment from her first.

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Yes,you both needed to be committed to a relationship before it will work.

Yet,you must be aware of her illness and what that will mean for BOTH of you.

Counselling has been suggested,and you're prepared to work at it,so who knows... :)

Quote:

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If she breaks it off again do not be so easy or eager to work it out again.

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This is true,because the behaviour then become a "vicious circle" and VERY
Destructive for all those involved.

Advice?

Here it is again: WILL SHE GO TO COUNSELING?


1. get counseling together
2. consider that she may be a candidate for anti-depressants (a psychiatrist makes that ruling)
ALSO
3. get used to her behavior repeating
4. get used to it
5. get used to it
6. get used to it
7. get used to it

It ain't going away on its own.

Ps - how old are you all?

You have a lot of issues to deal with, and so does she, so until they are addressed, don't expect much, as a healthy relationship requires healthy people in it, working from the same plan.

Sorry that's not happening here yet.