Okay so? I have been divorced for 7 years, that is also the age of my beautifull daughter jess. My ex-husband david was in her life until she was two. Then I was in a relationship with a wonderful man jason for 4 years. 4 years in which the ex-husband was not in her life at all. Now that I am not in that relationship with jason anymore and he has been court ordered to pay child support, david has decided to be envolved in her life again. My daughter has always had this odd (wiggly dance) and (bedwetting) thing she does. I have taken her to a counselor and she was diagnosed with anxity. My oldest daughter Iesha has suspected that david has sexually molested jess. I looked up the signs and symptoms and she has 5 out of 8 of the traits. I'm unsure if she has been molested because the symptoms are very similar to that of anxity. Thus, far the counselors have been unable to identify any concrete factors that would indicate any abuse. Jess. Doesn't really like to go to his house but she always says she has fun while she is there. I have asked her direct specific answers and she is very defensive and denies any such things happening, she doesn't really get into details about what she does while she is there either. Since jason and I are still friends, him and jessica had a beautiful relationship where in her mind he is dad and that's who she prefers to call dad. I had asked him for his help and guidance in this matter. He said that he always felt that there was something "off" about david and he didn't think that I should allow her to spend the nights with her. Now, I can take this one of two ways 1) he really means what he says or 2) he is upset and jelous that jess is spending time with her biological dad. - one of the main reasons we broke up is because he found out that he had a 7 year old little girl, in which he now does not get to visit or see- anyhow, I'm concerned about it but can't get her to confess anything and I don't think the counselors are getting much more out of her than Iam. Should I just stop letting her go with her dad? Keep seeking answers? Talk to her more or, what? I don't think I'm crazy, just a very concerned mother who doesn't want to believe or make false acusations about my daughters dad or the fact that this may be happening. Am I in denial? What would you do? What should I do?

Hello natasblue... you have to remember that Jess was very young when you broke up with her dad, so she had that to cope with... suddenly he wasn't there any more.
Then she appears to have a new dad.. something else for her young mind to understand, he then goes just as Jess is probably getting used to him... her biological dad is back... making her mind completely confused.
Jess is now visiting her dad, so she is away from you, the only positive thing that has always remained throughout her young years... even though she says she enjoys herself,in her mind she's going to be wondering when the next change will happen.

Yes anxiety would affect her... causing bed wetting and all manner of things, with plenty of love shown from all parties concern, give it time, she eventually will feel secure and her symptoms will fade.

NO I don't think for a minute that she has been molested,you can look up any situation and apply your symptoms and they will always fit .

I think this sweet little child is very confused in her mind and needs time to settle down to each new situation.

As her mum you must do what you feel is best for your child, whether it be continued visits to a councillor... or just loving her and making her feel safe and secure.
I'm sure in time,if there has been any form of abuse, once she feels safe it will come to the surface quite natually and no promting will be necessary.

Takecare

Thanks orphan, Im doing the best I can with what I have and that is all I can do really. Your right? There has been a lot of changes and I do take resposibility for the ones that I can and talk to her about the ones that I can't take responsibility for, I hope this is the situation. Her father does seem to treat her well. But he has always seemed a little "off" to me also. Things have been pretty stable since and I hope things get better as more stability arises. I do apritiate your tenderness in the matter.

I know this is not part of the real issue, but how is Jason being ordered to pay child support if he is not the bio father ? Only the bio faither or if he adopted the child can he be ordered to pay child support.

If he is the "legal" father by adoption, then the original father David has no rights what so ever to see the child at all.

There seems to be something odd about the legal issues here

I agree. If Jason has adopted your daughter and is paying support for her and her bio father wants back in her life, why was he not in it all along? If he gave up his right to his child, what does that say about his character?

If by law he isn't the child's father any more, you may look at slowing down the visitation and just doing a supervised visit for a while and use your own judgement as to how your daughter reacts to bio father.

You can be the one to supervise, or have a family member or friend to supervise.

She has been through so many changes that she is confused as far as knowing how to answer your questions.

Does she tell you that she wants to go but is dragging her feet when it comes to actually leaving you?

Did she wet her bed before visits? Did this start when you and Jason starting having problems.

There are a lot of questions and answers that are left unsaid.

I know you have your daughters best interest at heart or you wouldn't be searching for answers. If you feel uncomfortable with your daughters signs, only you can determine where you want to go with this.

She could be having panic attacks due to all the changes or she could be showing signs.

You may want to see if doing supervised visits and no over nighters for awhile helps with this. And talk to her councelor about your concerns. There are a lot of signs that we as parents don't notice, but they as professionals do. And there are signs that we as parents notice that no one else can feel/see.

Don't make any false accusations. Don't EVER say anything bad about the parent, either one of them, and make sure your daughter knows she can tell you anything.


We know our children the best.
Good Luck!

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Originally Posted by bluejeangal

I agree. If Jason has adopted your daughter and is paying support for her and her bio father wants back in her life, why was he not in it all along? If he gave up his right to his child, what does that say about his character?

If by law he isnt the childs father any more, you may look at slowing down the visitation and just doing a supervised visit for a while and use your own judgement as to how your daughter reacts to bio father.

You can be the one to supervise, or have a family member or friend to supervise.

She has been through so many changes that she is confused as far as knowing how to answer your questions.

Does she tell you that she wants to go but is dragging her feet when it comes to actually leaving you?

Did she wet her bed before visits? Did this start when you and Jason starting having problems.

There are a lot of questions and answers that are left unsaid.

I know you have your daughters best interest at heart or you wouldnt be searching for answers. If you feel uncomfortable with your daughters signs, only you can determine where you want to go with this.

She could be having panic attacks due to all the changes or she could be showing signs.

You may want to see if doing supervised visits and no over nighters for awhile helps with this. And talk to her councelor about your concerns. There are a lot of signs that we as parents dont notice, but they as professionals do. And there are signs that we as parents notice that no one else can feel/see.

Dont make any false accusations. Dont EVER say anything bad about the parent, either one of them, and make sure your daughter knows she can tell you anything.


We know our children the best.
Good Luck!

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Well jason isn't in jessica's life anymore by choice and other ummm "priorities" but she still misses him, except jas and I have decided that it was in her best interest not to confuse her anymore than we already have. He is hoping to fall in love with someone else and that would be just another added stress to her to have yet, another woman in her life along with me and david (her bio's) girlfriend. So, I believe she did have the bed wetting and the wiggly dance issues throughout the strain of mine and jasons relationship. She actually says she would perfer to stay home but never really cares to go, but when he shows up "seems excited" to go. Jess says she really doesn't care weather or not he is in her life or not but is happy to have someone to call dad. Though I really feel that she prefers jason, and he is too busy in his life with other things and states he just cn't be there for her anymore at least not right now. I think supervised visits are a good idea and I will look into that. Thanks so much for your input. natasblue

Natablue,

I was one of those who stuck my head in the sand for so long. Brooke was showing signs for both anxiety and signs of abuse. I just couldn't see it being my husband of 16 yrs. Yes, he was starting to abuse her and I didn't know it.

He received only 2 yrs. Probation for what he did as a deal of lesser charges with a guilty plea.

I am happy to see that there are women out there who are not afraid to stand up for their daughter if need be. I just stood up to late her help mine, but I am there for her now.

As I stated, you haven't been with him for a number of years, and he hasn't developed the father/daughter bond that grows over the years. I would just do supervised visits with no over nighters till I felt comfortable with releasing the care of my daughter to another, even if he is the donor, he hasn't been her father for a number of years.

Caution is always better than doing as I did and saying, NO, I know this man, he wouldn't do anything like that to my daughter.

With all the tension and upheavals in your daughters life, just letting her go with someone who you both tell her is her real father after the father she felt was her father is now out of her life, she is not feeling as secure as she probably felt earlier in her life.

Hopefully time and love with lots of patience will bring about a relationship with you and your daughter and her biio, and give you a grounded, happy, secure, sincere daughter

I think throwing her at a father she doesn't know is making her feel insecure and not knowing how to handle it/or your questions.

Give her time to get to know him and feel really comfortable before throwing her into a situation she doesn't understand.

If the court gave him visitation rights, he has the right to take her overnight if it stated in the order, maybe even if it isn't stated in the order, you should seek councel to see how you can work something out and not be in contempt of court.

He does have the right to get to know her. Maybe if you talked to him about her insecurity and work something out with him till you see a positive reaction with your daughter and him, he would also benefit, as she would not be so anxious.

Good LUck with what ever you decide to do.