My husband of 26 years and I have an 18 and 21 year old daughters at home. The youngest is about to start college. The oldest had her chance to attend college and blew it.
She now is working full time and still living at home. We have set the ground rules from the very beginning. Most of the time she comes home at the time we have set. I know before asking my questions what the answers probably will be. I feel as if she is manipulating me to get what she wants. I have helped her all week until she gets her first paycheck and tonight she comes in without saying one word to me. That is very hurtful.
I am her mom not her best buddy. I don't try to be. She is the girl everyone enjoys being around until she starts to hang out with some of her friends. The attitude starts showing then. She will threaten us with the "Im moving out as soon as I can" bit etc.
To summarize-she lives at home and started a full time job this week , drives the car we are paying for, and has a sorry attitude. Tell me how I should think. Some positive things:no criminal record, comes home every night, not pregnant, etc.

hello kc -

boy, I certainly feel for you... it sounds like a very difficult situation to be in and I can appreciate both sides of the equation: yours as the parent and that of your 21 year old daughter.

Here's what I think. You have an adult daughter living at home and she's there primarily because she did not opt to go to college or that was never her intention, or whatever the circumstances. Ok, fine.

It sounds like you and her butt heads a lot and I think instinctively, you are probably confused at this point as to how you should interact with her. She's 21 and part of you would like to treat her as an adult and help her out with getting herself established in the world. However, because she seems to be very immature and not acting adult-like, you are concerned and are still attempting to "parent" her by setting home guidelines, much like you would with a teenager. Of course, because she is 21 she feels like she is an adult and so she rebels against you to some extent by being passive aggressive (not talking to you when she comes home).

So there lies the tension: at this point in your daughter's life she should be attempting to try her hand at life and be an adult but she isn't and you are attempting to still parent her like she was a teen but you know deep down that you really don't want to do that, nor should you have to. You might need to sit down with her and have a heart to heart and tell her how you feel. Let her know that you love her and want to support her but that she must begin to learn to take on more responsibility in her life (pay for her own car and insurance, save money, etc.) and that honoring you is important. I don't think that you should continue to act as a parent in the sense that you are enforcing rules and regulations, etc. She will only keep resisting that, I think. You might need to back off and let her follow her conscience.

Lastly, I think you need to force her into situations where she can no longer be dependent upon you: make her pay for the car and insurance or whatever else you are accustomed to paying on her behalf. This way she can no longer manipulate you... but you have to stick to your guns and not waiver. In the end, you'll be doing her more of a favor than you are now by enabling her.

Let me know how things work out. Wishing you all the best.

First off, the basics:

1. Rent for non-school-going adult children who follow curfew rules AND completes assigned house tasks (all adults in house have them) = $200 month
2. Rent for non-school-going adult children who do NOT follow curfew rules and DOES NOT complete assigned house tasks (all adults in house have them) = $500

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1. Bus Pass = $50 per month
2. Use of car = $100 per month

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1. Talking to mom and greeting her with the same respect you would any stranger or roommate = happy housemates/mom
2. Not talking to mom and greeting her like she would any stranger = hurt mom

Hopefully she will choose options A), but option B) is the default on all of the above lists.

As an adult child, it would be NICE if she had a better attitude. Ignore that for now as it is the least important issue that needs to be corrected.

She NEEDS to understand that finishing school means she has entered adulthood... PERIOD. Living at home is irrelevant. It is only free to fulltime students.

The rent is actually $500 (food included) but she can discount it down HERSELF by following specific rules EXACTLY. If she fails, she doesn't get the discount. It's not the other way around, she doesn't get cheap/free rent and then you fine her for failing. No, she has high rent that she has to earn a discount on.

Cars are a luxury. She pays for her luxury. Period.

DO NOT GO EASY ON THESE things or you risk a daughter with far more problems with you than just a sorry attitude. She is not in school, she MUST learn to pay her way through life... NOW. She has to learn it NOW.

She will either do it right and pay discounted rates to live at home, or she will NOT get it right and pay HIGH rates for living at home, or she will get frustrated and move out.

Even the sparrows know it's time to push baby bird out of the nest and make her fly, it is tough love and it's the only kind that matters right now.

It would be nice if she were respectful and nice to you, but it is REQUIRED that she respect the way life works and be able to "make her own way", like all adults have to do. I'd rather have my kids angry as hell at me but able to stand on their own two feet instead of happy with me and emotionally/financially crippled leeching off their parents.

You must do these things and you must do them without fear of the consequences or that she will leave. She is GOING to leave, that is inevitable. Make sure that when it happens she is already aware how much things cost.

Yes, I had a strict rule once my boys got out of high school, they either went to tech school or college or get a job. If they got a job they had to pay rent. And of course they never just used my car full time they were expected to have long ago ( normaly in high school) to have gotten a part time job and paid on their own car.

But also what I did , all the rent they paid me after they turned 18, I put into a savings, and give it to them in latter years. But they did not know about it at the time.

I agree with Fr_Chuck. Do be thankful that she is not worse than she is but don't let her get over on you either. When she 'threatens' you with she can't wait to move don't let her get a reaction from you especially one where you get defensive or hurt.

I agree with the others... If kids are grown and not going to school, they pay rent - period - whether you use that $$ to keep the house running or save that $$ and give it back to them later is completely up to you.

My kids always knew from the time they were 10, if they wanted a car, they had to have enough to purchase a car, pay car insurance and have money (a job) for the gas/repairs... or they didn't get their license... use the bus, walk, ride a bike - their choice, but they knew what was ahead of them before it even became an issue... "can I borrow the car" was not an option (well.. if their car was being repaired or something, I would allow them to use my car as long as the gas was replaced).

All kids will move out eventually... as they should! It's important they understand the cost to living away from parents... so the threat of "I'm moving out" is pretty empty if they are planning on having someone besides you support them - that won't last long! Reality slapping in the face will sting... even knowing that everything costs is rough - but less rough if they've gottin into the habit of paying for their room and board (which - no matter where you "rent" - there are rules... and if you don't follow the rules, you get evicted - and they don't give you a vehicle to drive around!)

Kids have to pay their way in life, I'd say up until now she's had it quite good.

I think basically she's a good girl... all kids act differently around their mates, as long as she doesn't bring that behaviour home with her, eventually it will wear off.

Being that she 's now started a full time job, it's right that she should pay towards household bills... she's now in the real world,if she chooses to move out, it will prepare her in her own place.

You say she has a car that you are paying for, well... she could now take up the payments herself... thats life

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Originally Posted by kc118tx1

My husband of 26 years and I have an 18 and 21 year old daughters at home. The youngest is about to start college. The oldest had her chance to attend college and blew it.
She now is working full time and still living at home. We have set the ground rules from the very beginning. Most of the time she comes home at the time we have set. I know before asking my questions what the answers probably will be. I feel as if she is manipulating me to get what she wants. I have helped her all week until she gets her first paycheck and tonight she comes in without saying one word to me. That is very hurtful.
I am her mom not her best buddy. I don't try to be. She is the girl everyone enjoys being around until she starts to hang out with some of her friends. The attitude starts showing then. She will threaten us with the "Im moving out as soon as I can" bit etc.
To summarize-she lives at home and started a full time job this week , drives the car we are paying for, and has a sorry attitude. Tell me how I should think. Some positive things:no criminal record, comes home every night, not pregnant, etc.

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I am having a similar problem with my 20 year old.. she wants us to take care of here while she lives with boyfriend no job no independence what-so-ever so what we have done is stop paying for her to use the cell phone on our plan she wasn't even keeping in touch with us when it was on for her use ,I stopped going over to make sure all was so often,turned the attitude back on her and of course transportation for your vehicle cost money and insurance give the responsibioty back to her.

Be glad she has a job! I have two thirty year olds living at home, without jobs & don't attempt to find one either! They got major attitude towards me and their father. I say go ahead give her a chance to raise enough money to move out. My three youngest children all moved out and have families and lives of their own. I wish I could be gutsy enough to get them out to make a life for themselves. Also I am raising my oldest sons children! So kudos to her for not making a family for you to raise. When they grow up it should be our time to relax and enjoy each other. So hopefully she will go on her own soon!

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Originally Posted by gpbush

I have two thirty year olds living at home, without jobs & don't attempt to find one either! They got major attitude towards me and their father.

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Your kids have an attitude about you BECAUSE you don't hold them accountable. They don't respect you because your "sympathy" tricks you into acting in ways they can't respect.

Tell your boys you sold the house and are moving out on X-date, they will need to find a place 2 weeks prior to that. Pack all your stuff, help them move, then unpack your stuff. Tell them the house sale "fell through", or whatever. Don't let them back in, rent the rooms out immediately to college kids for a semester to INSURE they have nowhere to come back to. This way the college kids move out in one semester, and your boys are used to living on their own for 6 months.

You HAVE to do something, yesterday.

You know after reading this again, what has the 21 year old doing the last 3 years? If she just started workiing full time what rent was she paying for the last 3 years and so on.

I see the hurt, frustration and anger in your post. I have a 21 year old daughter. I am recently single, and have no family, but I have struggled through to getting solutions for myself. A book by Harriet Lerner phd. Dance of anger is very liberating, I speak for myself, it deals with boundaries, clarifying the self, owning the problem, not blaming, advising, it provides 'tools' which, to me, I am still using to clarify what I want from my relationship with my 21 year old. She has followed nearly every new communication 'way' I have lead with, I had felt manipulated prior, I learned, she did that because I had not worked out my own part in it.I was angry a lot, but I came to ask myself what I needed to change in my own behaviour, what needs was I not meeting in myself with my 21 year old, where was I manipulative?There is no quick fix, but it can help to have an open discussion, starting with " I have a problem with..." Boundaries are key. a.t.b.