Ask Me Help Desk - Am I doing the right thing?

My head is about to explode, I've been crying for hours..

My boyfriend broke up with me two-three weeks ago, and I can't escape our last conversation. The weird thing about it all was that he didn't even plan to break up, he just felt so torn and thought that it would be a good thing to do.

He was a big love, the first one I would come to love. We met while he was living in norway, we had a distance but we made it work. We talked on the phone for hours every night, we missed each other all the time.. And when he would visit me (in Sweden) I felt the kind of happiness I could only dream of. And he did too. After a while he came back home (swe) but we would still have 5 hours between each other. It didn't matter all too much, he was here all the time anyway. We both fell so hard. We started to make big plans, like moving in together after winter. We talked about it a lot and it was something we both longed for. But the thing with our relationship was that the timing never did us justice.. Before he met me he had made some plans. Like work in norway and live in canada for two months with his friends. But when he met me he started to hesitate. He didn't know if he should go, he was afraid that I would stop missing him. But I told him that he had to, it's just something he always wanted to do. And two months wouldn't be so bad, he would always have me. We would move in together after his canada trip.

When the summer began I didn't have much time for us, and neither did he. I couldn't invite him to come because I had so much to do. It was hard, we really missed each other, and he would always ask if I was done with everything so he could come. I just had so much stuff to fix. And he had festivals to go to, so that would take time too. Anyway, a week before we broke up he came to visit. It was so good. He made me dinner, we had sex and it was so much love between us. When he left for his train he said the he would miss me and that he would be back soon as possible. He never came back..

We got into a fight on the phone a few days later. I got so mad that I just hung up. He was on a festival so it wasn't a good time to chat.. But he never called back. It bothered me because I just realised that I've been ignoring our problems. The distance had made it difficult for us. When he got back home he called.. And I could hear that he wasn't the same. He said that he felt so torn, because he's 24 and doesn't know what he should do with his life, what he should do when he comes back from canada. He doesn't even have a place to live back home, he lives at his friends places. And then it came "I don't know if I should be in a relationship right now.." I asked him if he could live without me, he said no. But it was too late for that.. He said that he would miss me and regret it, but just didn't know what to do with himself. And everything he felt wasn't as strong as it used to be. I asked him how it would be for him not to see me again, kiss me again, hold me again etc etc.. And he couldn't imagine it. It was too late. I told him never to come back. We were done. He couldn't hang up, so I just did.

I haven't contacted him. I've deleted him on Facebook and everywhere else. I have a blog, and I know that he's reading, so I don't write about my feelings for him. I act like it never happened. I just want him to feel it. The fact that I'm gone. I've been out and trying to have a good time, like every night, but I'm just so fed up with the whole thing.

I honestly hate when they come back. It has happened to me three times before. Crawled back. But this one I loved. Still love. Will this one try to come back? We both know that he'll regret it. But what about me, and everything we had.. I'm so broken, I cry myself to sleep just to wake up and cry again. I can't deal with this. I miss him so so so much. I can't explain to you guys how much love there was. He had never felt that connection before he said, and neither have I.

Oh my, I just wrote a freaking book! I'm sorry guys.. I became a member of this site not to long ago, I wanted to make a post but I never knew what to write. I just have so much crap and emotions that need to come out. And I find this site so helpful.

Am I doing the right thing by not contacting him? Thank you for your time.

Keep that distance and stick to no contact. I had a similar problem. Me and my ex were crazy in love. We never had time to see each other, even though we live in the same city. Work sucks plain and simple but it was inevitable. She's going away to college and I'm becoming a senior. Long-distance relationships rarely work and beign apart from a person you love hurts so badly- that's why we broke up. We knew that breaking up was the best thing to do because it hurt so much to be apart that we were destroying ourselves emotionally. The best thing to do is move on and find someone a closer to you. Stick to no contact. By dwelling on him you'll only hurt yourself emotionally. Hold on, you'll find someone even better who you can see regularly! Best wishes,

Drew

This story breaks my heart but I totally can relate. Long distance love affairs are very hard, but it takes two and both have to really love each other and be able to make it work no matter the miles between them. My guy is Canadian and I am American and we live 8 hours away from each other across the border. So either I am there most of the time in our place in Calgary or we are here at our home in N. Idaho. Anyway it can work out if your heart and love are strong enough. There are times when I need him next to me and he's not here seems to be the hardest for me....but I know that if our relationship continues on we will be living together down the road...if not then I will face that if it comes. There are no guarentees that someone is going to love you forever and to hold them to that is unrealistic, we never know what lies ahead...all we can do is meet our lives directly, moment to moment.

I think you are doing the right thing and not contacting him...you both need to give each other the space for love to grow without pressure. Be patient and if it is ment to be he will find you.

Its really hard to bond, and learn the little things about someone over the phone, and on weekends, its just tough. Especially for young people, but even mature committed adults, have difficulty keeping it going, without that close contact. I have no clue if he will try and comeback, and unless you both can bridge that gap, things will still be the same, but have heart, and just put your life back together, and keep living, and enjoying yourself. The only right thing you have to do, is for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Its really hard to bond, and learn the little things about someone over the phone, and on weekends, its just tough. Especially for young people, but even mature committed adults, have dificulty keeping it going, without that close contact.

This is a tough situation, you can care deeply for a person but unless there is that bond between you the relationship will always leave you feeling empty inside. And this emptiness is nothing more then the human nature in need of that bond with someone. Your guy is feeling that void and I am sure you have too. I can't say that he will be back, no one can not even him. Only time will tell. For you though, you have to move on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andrew916

keep that distance and stick to no contact. i had a similar problem. me and my ex were crazy in love. we never had time to see eachother, even though we live in the same city. work sucks plain and simple but it was inevitable. she's going away to college and i'm becoming a senior. long-distance relationships rarely work and beign apart from a person you love hurts so badly- that's why we broke up. we knew that breaking up was the best thing to do because it hurt so much to be apart that we were destroying ourselves emotionally. the best thing to do is move on and find someone a closer to you. stick to no contact. by dwelling on him you'll only hurt yourself emotionally. hold on, you'll find someone even better who you can see regularly! best wishes,

Drew

I'm sorry it had to end that way. I hope you still feel that it was the right thing to do. And you both agreed on it, it seems like a healthy break-up. Although I know it must have been hard. But you did take good care of your heart, and so did she. Distance is hard, but he was here so often (before the summer) that we hardly noticed it. I guess it was harder than we thought it would be. He's a beautiful memory, I'm not bitter. But I'm not going to be looking for someone new. I need to be in love with myself right now. I do care for him, wonder how he is and all, therefor it's hard to not have contact. But I should love myself more and care about myself as well. So you're right, I should just stay away and let the pain fade. Take care of my heart :o

Thank you for sharing your story, Drew. Take care!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Janmarie

This story breaks my heart but I totally can relate. Long distance love affairs are very hard, but it takes two and both have to really love each other and be able to make it work no matter the miles between them. My guy is Canadian and I am American and we live 8 hours away from each other across the border. So either I am there most of the time in our place in Calgary or we are here at our home in N. Idaho. Anyway it can work out if your heart and love are strong enough. There are times when I need him next to me and he's not here seems to be the hardest for me....but I know that if our relationship continues on we will be living together down the road...if not then I will face that if it comes. There are no guarentees that someone is going to love you forever and to hold them to that is unrealistic, we never know what lies ahead...all we can do is meet our lives directly, moment to moment.

I think you are doing the right thing and not contacting him...you both need to give each other the space for love to grow without pressure. Be patient and if it is ment to be he will find you.

Thank you, Janmarie. I truly hope your relationship will last. You both seem to make time for it, so there's no doubt that the love is there :o Just hold on to it. Distance is hard, I guess we didn't realise what was about to come with his trips and all. It just seemed so easy. I know in my heart that he cares and that everything we had was special to him. Hearts change, I just wish he figures out what he wants with his life. And you make a good point there, we both need time. Apart. I need to heal and he needs to think. If it's meant to be, it'll be.

I wish you and your mate the best. Love isn't easy, but the passion and the strong feelings wouldn't exist if it was. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Its really hard to bond, and learn the little things about someone over the phone, and on weekends, its just tough. Especially for young people, but even mature committed adults, have dificulty keeping it going, without that close contact. I have no clue if he will try and comeback, and unless you both can bridge that gap, things will still be the same, but have heart, and just put your life back together, and keep living, and enjoying yourself. The only right thing you have to do, is for you.

I agree, it's hard and tricky. But I can honestly say that we did bond. In many ways. We did spent a lot of time together, but this summer seemed to change it all. I guess because we realised what distance was all about. It hurts not to have him around. It was so painful to hear him say those last words.. I'll probably miss him for days, weeks, I guess months. I'll just have to accept that. Sooner or later it'll fade, and I'll be smiling again. It's just hard to get there..

Thank you for your answer.

Nina, thank you for your words of encouragement I appriciate your thoughts even though this isn't about me we do share a common situation.

What helps me through some of the tougher times, which does come periodically. I think to myself that I am not the only one in this relationship that feels the strain of being apart for a certain amount of time, he does as well. And I think what you both are going through right now is a level of that type of strain and he is dealing with it the best way that he knows how at this time.

Being in seperate parts of the world in some ways is a blessing as well as a curse....what I mean by a blessing is you not only have your life as a couple but you also have your life as an individual allowing yourself to be just who you are, the person who excited him from the very beginning. In a more traditional relationship I have seen couples become so involved with each other that they actually become each other and they lose themselves, they lose thier friends, because everything is focused around that one person.

The curse of it is that you have to put in a lot of mutual effort in making time for each other...not just a weekend or a week, but a lot of time in physical involvement with each other. This means clearing your whole calander for a certain period of time and not letting anything stand in the way of your special time together. This is hard to do sometimes but you have to make that commitment or your partner is going to feel not as important to you and vise versa. We want to feel important to the person we love.

Here is a little secret to keep with you..... men will stay with a woman because he feels good when he is with her.

I hope that things work out for you. You both had something special in the beginning.

You sound healthy and summarized the relationship quite well.

This all sounds very normal. And I would not be surprised if he contacts you at some point...

BUT I also think that, as you said, there are some issues here you ignored.

I am not convinced he is THE ONE for you... But I am sure you loved him. And that sucks. Distance is a tough one - especially when people are young (early to mid 20's) so he is being normal too. It was at a point of take it up a level or take a break. Even if you were the Princess of Monaco he'd likely want to go as he is now.

So, take a breath. No need to talk to him for at least 90 days. By then, you will have the answer in your mind about whether he was "the one" - but another guy may come along and make you wonder :-) you've got time... don't worry.

I was dumped after a one year four month long distance relationship...

West coast of US to East coast of US (California to Florida)

3 hour time difference.