My Fiancé is 32 and I am 22 almost 23. The age difference is not the problem. The problem is that he was in a relationship for over 8 years with a girl he never married or had children with. We are engaged to get married in June 2009, that is ten months away. I am nervous because I still think about all the things he did with his ex. They had a house together, animals, cars, checking accounts, and everything. Him and I have nothing but an apartment together and it bugs me. I do not want all that stuff he had with his ex, but I am jealous that it would be my first house, but his third. How can I share my joys of the little milestones of my life that are firsts, when he has already had them with someone else. I have a past too, but nothing serious, but my son. I have a child with a guy I met after high school. Is it wrong to be so jealous of his past relationships? I try to talk to him about it, but he just doesn't understand.

If you can not get over it, don't marry him and break up with him.

If not in several years what is real important to you will not be to him.
If you are putting imiportance into things, it will never work anyway,
Save him a lot of future heartache if you can not just love him for him.

You should do counseling to see if you can work past this

Yea it's wrong that you're judging his past, my I might even say hypocritical.. you have a child for goodness sake, if anything I'm sure he's a little jealous.. get over it and start complaining about valid things... sorry to be harsh but it's true

I understand that you say I have a child, but my child came out of a fling. It is my past and we all have a past, my questions how can I overcome this? Should I stop the wedding? I love him but I am jealous and worried. Him and I are on different levels of life. I am young and he is 32. My life experience is so much smaller than his.

Sounds like until you can meet at a level that you will have a hard time accepting him so yes you should put off the wedding until you can resolve this within yourself. He could very easily feel the same about you since it was a 'fling' some people judge flings more harshly than a relationship that did not work out. Either you love him and want to work it out or you don't get past it and break up or constantly have problems.

I have some empathy as I married a woman who was a single mother (very young, unplanned) and whod been engaged to be married. Shed had more structure in her life, more "entanglements" (and that's not used in a bad way) like you describe.

you need to pick your fights. If you cannot "forgive" him for the past (and I really don't know what in the world he should be punished for), the problem is within you... personally, I think you should be glad that he has been through the gauntlet once before. It makes a person wiser. Well, it can make some wiser.

I know if I had to start all over again, id be better at working through the early struggles of a marriage... so are you feeling nervous because you are afraid you won't "perform" as well? That you will disappoint him? Is that why you might lash out and be jealous... that he has experience and is "better positioned"?

honestly, he has some experience, but each relationship is unique. You have a choice. You can let the ghosts of his past screw up your present (how wrong is that) or you can take control.

one thing we've done in our marriage, and we did it much later than we should have, is we read and share books. You don't learn to swim by diving in the ocean, right? The best time to learn good tools for living is before you need them.

so... its my opinion that couples need to talk (or at least be on similar tacks) about sex, money, goals, prehaps faith, and communication... yes, talk about talking. I'm a guy who said we need to talk about talking. Does that mean I have to give up my "man card"?

this is how we started to structure things in our marriage. First we started on books about money. How couples can manage money so it doesn't become a problem. We weren't in trouble, but we were struggling with how to set up finances with two different people running two different checkbooks. We read some books, talked it out, and it was a hit.

later books on sex became something we shared. It was an easy thing to do, and allowed us to talk about sex without it being talking about problems. More like "did you know "this" or what do you think about "that"...

and again, when we hit some ruts in the road we looked at some books about communication and relationships. Some were better than others. I can mention some if you want.

but the point is you can take control of what is in front of you. You cannot predict all that will happen, but you can try to set yourself up for being in a stronger place.

there are long lasting relationships where the couple never shared a book, I am sure. But its been a good way for my partner and I to get to the same level ground... have the same vision, or understand where our visions differ.

neither of you are in a much more powerful place. He has experience, but perhaps biases and might be more set in his ways. You have less experience but might be more open to different approaches or ideas.

my first house was not my wife's... that did not diminish the fact it was a milestone we celebrated together. My first child was not her first. That didn't diminish anything about being together during that time.

I will not punish my partner for her past. Not her sexual past. Not her emotional past. Not her financial or work or past life experience. We both bring things to the relationship that are of value and are good.

so... you need to believe you are powerful here. You need to believe you have control over your future. And you need to not let uncertainty be a reason to call off a wedding.

unless you genuinely are uncertain.

its fine if you are. It happens. My wife did just that.

but don't let his having life experience be the reason you walk out. If it is, then its an excuse for other reasons, such as your just not being sure at your age.

time to take control one way or the other. Put structure and power into your relationship so you can move forward, or step back a bit and take a breath.

And is it wrong to feel that way? no.

What you do with what you feel is what's key.

I have an irish temper and tend to want to hit first and buy drinks later... but most of the time I can dial it down to my just being a noisy grump.

An ex... my wife's a flirt sometimes and my first reflex is to want to put the guy buying her drinks through the wall.. but I'm pretty quick at letting it go, knowing she likes meeting new people, know a little attention never hurt anyone, and knowing she is absolutely going home with me. He can buy her drinks all night and touch her arm to get her to smile. She's going home with me. Probably pent up.

Fantastic.

Point is, it isn't wrong to feel what you feel.. but you do need to find ways to deal with it... or you need to face head on whether there's more here than just nerves. My wife is a "faithful flirt". If I stay, I accept it. In fact, I've come to like it.

So... is there more here than just his having a past? Other issues?

Kp2171 you have some really great points. I just do not feel like I have anything to offer him. When he was in past relationships he lived in a house, but with me we live in an apartment. It makes me feel bad like I hold him down. He has had so much more with others that it makes me so sad to think I could be holding up his life. We are great together and we do not have any issues with anything else. I work full time and I am a fuul time grad student working to get my PhD in psychology. I just with I could give him more. He make 4 times the money I do and has so much more than I do. I am 22 with a 3 year old, a car, and a good job. I am working towards my future but he is in his career already. I think if I was older I would be able to give him more.

Why not instead of looking at what is in the past (which can't be changed) or wishing to give him more, turn that into action. Love him (& yourself) more. He's obviously not with you for your paycheck, he's with you because you matter to him. Not a house or other "things" that are fungible, which you are not.

There are great suggestions here & there are a ton of great books & resources that can make a huge difference.

Celebrate the love & milestones you two do have, that's what will matter most short & long term!

If you think you are "holding up his life" in some way, what does he have to say about that? Has he said or done something to make you feel that way or is it just a fear of yours? If you ask him, maybe that will help you understand why you do matter so much to him. Is there something in particular in your life going on that is pushing you to feel that way? If not, then remind yourself that is just a fear or insecurity nudging at you & let your love for each other just shove it out of the way consciously at first until it becomes automatic & then no longer happens at all.

Unless you have him under house arrest, he's there because he wants to be with you & to share his life with you as fully as possible. Take advantage of that so you can keep being happy together!

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Originally Posted by FLORENCE1085

I work full time and i am a fuul time grad student working to get my PhD in psychology. I just with I could give him more. He make 4 times the money I do and has so much more than I do. I am 22 with a 3 year old, a car, and a good job. I am working towards my future but he is in his career already. I think if i was older I would be able to give him more.

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So... you are a dedicated woman, driven, you have goals, you are a responsible mother, and you desire to be a great partner.

Sounds like he's got the good end of the deal. What more could a mate ask for?

Seriously... have you even considered that you might actually be perfect for him?

You should. I'm thinking he has.

You are over analyzing. Your thoughts is surprisingly is generally what I hear from men. Don't worry, it is more accepted in the society that a man earns more, has more experience and achiever. Most likely, this thoughts of you are just yourself. Your fiancé doesn't even think of that that's why he chose you in a first place.

How to overcome?Lets' see. Get a high paying job, be good at it. Buy things on your own so when you reach 27, you may already have even a half of what his ex have. And your psychology background might help too.

Simple answer to simple question from Simple woman: No. What else do you need?

The nervousness is you 'higher self' saying: "Ah, I'm not ready for all this. How do I back out." It's far better to do it now than later. Lawyers cost huge sums of money and about 18 months before finalized; and to make you suffer, the other person may not go away quietly. Now days, folks are apt to do almost anything they feel justified in doing to get even.

You state right off that the age difference is not a problem. But based on the concerns you have raised, it sounds like age difference is the common denominator for the other problems. He makes more money, he's had all these experiences that you are yet to have, etc.
None of those things are going to change and neither of you is very likely to change. Only you can decide if you can live with those facts or you can't.

Thanks guys you all helped me so much I have handled my issues and we have talked about it. I feel so much happier just letting it all go.

All the best to you and yours"!