Ask Me Help Desk - He Loves Me AND Her?

I have a dilemma. (You're aware of this already, I presume!) :o

Around seven months ago, I began spending time with a friend, who we'll call Michael. At first I wasn't set on pursuing anything emotional with him, considering he had a girlfriend. Yet as time went on, I began to feel as if Michael was hinting that HE was interested in me emotionally. I was confused (and kind of falling for him at the same time), but since the last 2 men I tried involving myself with had kicked me in the dirt so to speak, I contained my feelings and tried not to let Michael know how I really felt.
One day he kisses me.
Soon enough he reveals that he loves me.
(He does both of these things before I do.)
Time still goes on, and now I love him. We do everything together, absolutely everything. The only problem is, yes I love him, but he also loves his girlfriend.
I feel kind of wretched being the "third wheel" and no matter how much he makes me feel loved, the fact that he is in a relationship just tears me apart. It has come to the point where I refuse to spend time with him if he's with his girlfriend, because it hurts me so terribly to see him with someone else.
I feel like I'm his second girlfriend, who is in second place. People have even approached his girlfriend asking if they had broken up, because they had seen Michael all around with me.
Michael's girlfriend is leaving for college in less than a month, for a long time. He won't be seeing her for months. Now I'm not sure whether if I should try to use that time to make Michael mine, which is all that I've wanted for the past six months, or to just continue our friendship the way it has been.
I'm skeptical in the sense that if he was sleeping in the same bed with me, kissing me and letting me know that he loves me while he was with this girl, if he would do the same to me if I was his girl?
Normally I'm very good on "feeling people out" and I feel a kind of sincere genuity about it. He's fully aware now that I want him, and nobody else. He knows I get hurt by his love for another. Sometimes he even cries when he thinks about it.
I'm full blown in love with Michael, but I can't comprehend why I'm waiting for his girlfriend to leave as opposed to him being with me NOW, after so long.

I hope one of you kind souls will be able to help me, now that I have the full story out.
Thanks so much.

You are longing for a man, who can't love just ONE woman.

Don't you see how you are setting yourself up for much pain and anguish over him?

Instead of thinking about how much you "want" him, spend some time thinking about how you are going to feel in the future?

You know, after the pain you go through to "make him yours", assuming you do that, then find out that he has a different "second" woman?

Seriously, you need to find yourself a better example of a real man.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lonely Soul

I have a dilemma. (You're aware of this already, I presume!) :o

Around seven months ago, I began spending time with a friend, who we'll call Michael. At first I wasn't set on pursuing anything emotional with him, considering he had a girlfriend. Yet as time went on, I began to feel as if Michael was hinting that HE was interested in me emotionally. I was confused (and kind of falling for him at the same time), but since the last 2 men I tried involving myself with had kicked me in the dirt so to speak, I contained my feelings and tried not to let Michael know how I really felt.
One day he kisses me.
Soon enough he reveals that he loves me.
(He does both of these things before I do.)
Time still goes on, and now I love him. We do everything together, absolutely everything. The only problem is, yes I love him, but he also loves his girlfriend.
I feel kind of wretched being the "third wheel" and no matter how much he makes me feel loved, the fact that he is in a relationship just tears me apart. It has come to the point where I refuse to spend time with him if he's with his girlfriend, because it hurts me so terribly to see him with someone else.
I feel like I'm his second girlfriend, who is in second place. People have even approached his girlfriend asking if they had broken up, because they had seen Michael all around with me.
Michael's girlfriend is leaving for college in less than a month, for a long time. He won't be seeing her for months. Now I'm not sure whether or not if I should try to use that time to make Michael mine, which is all that I've wanted for the past six months, or to just continue our friendship the way it has been.
I'm skeptical in the sense that if he was sleeping in the same bed with me, kissing me and letting me know that he loves me while he was with this girl, if he would do the same to me if I was his girl?
Normally I'm very good on "feeling people out" and I feel a kind of sincere genuity about it. He's fully aware now that I want him, and nobody else. He knows I get hurt by his love for another. Sometimes he even cries when he thinks about it.
I'm full blown in love with Michael, but I can't comprehend why I'm waiting for his girlfriend to leave as opposed to him being with me NOW, after so long.

I hope one of you kind souls will be able to help me, now that I have the full story out.
Thanks so much.

He is getting his cake and eating it too! If he really loves you then he can't see himself with another women nor hold back what he feels. I think that he would have told his current girlfriend to move on, why hold on to her? Its not going be good for either side because your not going to want to share at all, and when she comes back to visit he's going to have to blow you off to be with her. Bottom line he needs to choose.

I respect your opinions.
Thank you.
More feedback is welcome.

I also feel as if Michael has consumed my life.
It's strange how I enjoy his company, and only his company.
We have a lot of pipe dreams, and I would be the happiest girl in the world if they came true.
How do I explain to him that his relationship needs to end, or I need to somehow detach myself from this bizarre wanting?

It's a big red flag to me that you are so desperate as to fall for this player, who is breaking you in to fill his g/f's shoes while she is gone.

The pathetic part is, that's what you want. No healthy, well adjusted confident female, goes for this crap willingly, at least let him lie, and trick you into being his cheat-mate.

The sad part will be when he has to spend time with her, and how broken hearted you will be, and wondering how someone can treat you so bad.

For your own good think about it, and don't be so... (bad word that may be harsh, and insensitive, but really true!)

Quote:

How do I explain to him that his relationship needs to end, or I need to somehow detach myself from this bizarre wanting?

Don't be naïve as he knows what he is doing and lets be honest about this, your letting him do whatever he is doing. Do you deserve that??

If you had any sense of love for yourself, you would not have followed his lead into this at all.

From everything that you said I don't doubt that he doesn't want to be with you maybe he is scared to let her down. All that Im saying is that your not going to want her to be around too much longer. If he doesn't muster up some balls then its going to get really ugly. I know that you love him but you have to love yourself more and not accept being second to nobody. Talk to him and tell him that he needs to decide her or you. You will know if it is right by his actions. But I wish you luck, and even if you don't get what you want there are too many men in this world who will be willing to put you first. Don't be afraid to stand up for what you believe in. He will respect you more as a women if you stand up for yourself

Well I've loved two women I couldn't be with due to circumstances or issues. Didn't keep me from walking away.

Time to decide what you want. There's a few billion people on this earth. He isn't that special and you aren't that picky that there isn't another one out there that could be a better fit. I have a good relationship with a strong, smart, beautiful woman... waited a long time to get to her and went through a lot of noise to find her. Sometimes that means you make decisions your heart doesn't agree with.

Now... I'm NOT saying leave him. I am saying you get to decide what you demand for yourself. Assuming your ages are late teens to early 20's, since going away to college was mentioned.

Love is intense and new and overwhelming at this time. Its also misleading, as early, new loves are often not all they seem to be in the long run. Some last. Most don't. Its because you are still trying to figure out what is OK and what isn't... you didn't plan on being the backup girlfriend, but here you are. It happens.

Again... I can't tell you what's right or wrong. Most of my opinions are formed from doing really dumb things, sometimes over and over, and finally understanding better what needs to be done. So I'm not a saint not a sage. I'm flawed and biased and irish.

At best, he is immature and isn't willing to take a stand. He is willing to essentially cheat on his girlfriend... even if you haven't had sex, he is betraying her trust... and he is willing to make you bear the burden of being in "hiding". That's best case scenario. Now... I had a bit of that at his age... dated a girl I needed to leave but loved. Dated her almost 7 years. HS, college... I never cheated, but I should have left her and I didn't. Wasted years on her when I though effort and love would be enough. It isn't.

So... best case scenario for you is to decide what you want. If you want him, you need to step back. You cannot let this go on like this. You need to tell him its unacceptable to be told you are loved and then to bear this burden. And you need to believe it yourself that its unacceptable.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Don't be too easy.

You posted here because you know this isn't what you want.

Scour the threads here and you'll see plenty of people, years into a marriage, miserable... who use the line "hes a great guy BUT...."

So... you have a great connection to this guy. Fine. He needs to get a pair and stop playing games. Make a choice. He distracted energy away from his relationship with her... is the type of guy who won't stand up and make the hard choices that need to be made? Is he the type of guy who lets others bear the burden?

I don't think he's the devil... I think he's young, a little stupid, and unsure of what to do. Been there, done that.

But what about you? Do not be scared to be alone to find the right person... even if he is the "right" one. There's no magic switch.. it hurts a lot... and its hard to step back or to put your foot down and risk losing him.

Risk it.

If he doesn't step up and be the man you need him to be to be good to you, at least you know it sooner than later. Right now... he should be on "probation"... he's made some bad choices and you've chosen to tag along. You were willing to take up the time of an attached guy when you knew you had feelings for him, even if he said it first. You made that choice. Neither of you are victims.

So talk it out. His waiting for her to go away to college for a long time is lame. He needs a backbone.

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I love myself and I'm fully aware of the circumstances. I'm sorry if you think I'm degrading myself for being in love with someone. You can't always choose the one's you love. "Relationship expert" my .

You can choose what you do about it.

Just another horny male species who needs to get his genitals castrated so he can control himself. To tell you the truth, he doesn't love you at all... he says he LOVES his girlfriend and he LOVES you; there is no 2 love going on. Sure, his girlfriend is going to college.. guess what? You're next in line so he can effe you in the bed. Have you not noticed that he's playing games with 2 girls/hearts?

-sigh- I was just in this situation not that long ago. Point blank:

you're in love with a cheater.
He's cheating on you for his actual girlfriend
And he's cheating on his girlfriend for you.

He's seeing you on the side. I'm sure he still sees her. Even though you spend all your time with him. he's not spending all of his time with you

I would tell the girlfriend, so she doesn't get heartbroken, because she doesn't know anything I take it? You know what's going on, and you should stop it!

This guy isn't going to learn for a long time.
So you should do the mature thing and let things go.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lonely Soul

I'm skeptical in the sense that if he was sleeping in the same bed with me, kissing me and letting me know that he loves me while he was with this girl, if he would do the same to me if I was his girl?

Of course he would!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by friend4u178

Of course he would!!!!

Definitely! I had a friend who was a player and he would actually save those "romantic" texts and would send out a mass text to his 3-4 different women with the same text. I asked him why and he said "it's a fun game to play, to see how long they will fall for it until I get caught or bored"

Even if this guy isn't an evil master manipulater who planned to string you along, he is no less than a guy without a spine who seems to think its OK to deceive to get whatever selffish end he wants.

I don't care if he's a "great guy"... he's a "great guy" who is acting like a jerk.

You know the girlfriend deserves more respect than this. I don't care if she's a katty snot who makes him miserable. She deserves the truth. How can he have a relationship with you built on deceit and feel good about it?

Maybe you are a better match for him than she is... but that doesn't excuse using any means necessary to be with both women without both knowing about it.

Think he didn't touch her when he was with her? Did he not kiss her? More?

Again... you get the respect you demand for yourself, sometimes not even that. So if you think he's for real and just confused, that's your call... back off and see how hard he chases you.

But two things...

1) good manipulators can get you to believe about anything...

2)why doesn't he want you enough NOW, before she leaves, to chase you down? You will always be the fallback girl that he settled for if he simply bides his time until its convenient.