We met online and have been together over a year

I moved in with him 9 months ago

We talk about marriage (he has asked me officially 2 times both on my birthday)

Now he says the reason why he is not, is because we fight so much,
I am passive aggressive and it takes a lot for me to bring up how I feel.

HE says he wants to do it all right but he didn't even get me a birthday present this year, and he is becoming more and more dispondent.

Please no... buy the cow when you have the milk for free, I really need some advice both guy and gal.

He tells me that I am insecure but I feel like if he loved me he would feel like I do and be willing to do it all , but he keeps putting it off.

My friends (limited I work with all of them and we are not that close , and family... tell me that I am stupid and I need to leave)

He wouldn't even go to my grandpa's funeral with me, and he won't answer the phone 90% of the time I call him at his request... I am 36 and have been through 2 divorces... I do not want to do this again... the problem is I love him.

If I need to go I will and I am about there... it might be best for the both of us... any and all thoughts would be appreciated... I can't sleep anyway

Sorry for the bad grammar

Sorry for the basket case post... I am just sick of all of our drama and GOD thank you for a forum like this :)

It sounds like he is scared to make the final "leap" into marriage. Now is the time you need to decide if you're in or out

I would suggest that the two of you go to counseling together. Even if things were going great between the two of you, I would recommend that you go to counseling. Why? To just make sure that it's going to work. Marriage is something that's supposed to be very permanent. The way things are these days with people and families, I would think that it would be in anyone's best interest to get the advice of a professional before embarking on a permanent sort of relationship where you will be tied together emotionally, physically as well as financially.

I am divorced. When I was married, my wife decided to go to counseling on her own. She tried to get me to go with her. Being the "macho" man that I was, I refused, thinking that we could work things out on our own.

Eventually, I did relent and went to counseling with her. I didn't like it at first and was very defensive during the sessions. Over time though, I grew to love the sessions because I was finding out the person who I really was and how to deal with the problems concerning me!

My wife eventually quit going to the counseling. I continued, though. We later divorced. It wasn't because of the counseling, but because we just weren't really compatible with each other. Got married for the wrong reasons... My kids realize all of this as to why my spouse and I couldn't really be together as a couple. I am still friends with my ex, though.

I continued to go to counseling. Over a span of a number of years of counseling, both on a one-to-one level and also in group therapy, I gained much insight as to strategies that I might use in my group relationships as well as those that I might have that would be intimate.

I'm not saying that your situation is like mine was. But, just wanted to point out the possibilities that can happen if you do go to counseling.

Just my thoughts on this matter...

I'm sure that others will also respond besides the two of us who already have.

Yes, it sounds like he was ready to commit but to be honest has gotten hurt and tired of being told no. And most likely has doubted how serious you are in the relationshiop, which of coursee causes more arguments and fights , which only cuases more doubt.

I will agree the counseling is a good idea.

Since you already been married twice and it ended in divorce, why are you worring about getting married again. It seems there are some things that need to be fix before you even consider this because the foundation is not that strong. Issues need to resolve and even though you love him, do you think that is enough?

The kind of person like Fr_Chuck is, is the kind of counselor that you might seek to find. One who can read deeply into a situation and know the correct course of action that might be taken by any party involved.

Quote:

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I do not want to do this again... the problem is I love him.

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You probably loved your other two husbands as well, but seem to just want to rush into it again. Even after a year your still finding things out about one another, so what's the hurry, and why put that kind of pressure on him, and yourself since neither of you is ready, nor prepared. Why not slow down, and work on getting the bugs out of the relationship first, and establish some better communications, and work this out together, or else your spinning your wheels, and asking for a lot of trouble.

Didn't you learn from your divorces??

I think that my parents dated for about four years before they decided to get married. On the other hand though, I dated the person that I eventually married for about four months. Our marriage lasted two & 1/2 years.

Best to make sure everything is going to work the part of both persons before making the "big step".

Too much, to fast, crash and burn. What's your hurry to make a life changing decision?? It can wait until you both have communicated, committed, and are sure your both ready.

THank you for the comments and advice. He asked me to marry him, I was never in a hurry in the first place. I am mostly confused on him asking me,
Then making it very clear that if I did not make the commitment to move in with him, then we were going to be over. So, I do all this, move in- we play house for 10 months and now its like the proposal is off the table.

We talked a lot over the last couple of days, and I have come to at least one conclusion. He is not ready, and that is fine with me. He said he is afraid we won't last, and truthfully so am I unless a lot changes.

Again thanks for the "guy" point of view that is mainly what I was searching for. My last 2 relationships/marriages were nothing like this. I was very young, naïve and stupid. Now I am just 2 of these things and not mentioning which 2! Lol