Ask Me Help Desk - What should I do.

Hi everyone, Well here's my issue. I have been in a relationship with a guy for one year. Overall everything has been pretty okay, but I have been noticing that he has become very nit picky. He gets upset if I do not come to his house. He dose not like it when I raise my voice when speaking, and I am not talking about arguing. He do not want me to raise my voice for any reason even if I am surprised, shocked whatever. Also when we do have a disagreement he cuts me off and says" I know what you are going to say" or he will walk out of the room and talk to me from the other room or say"okay let's forget it" after he expressed himself, but I did not because he cut me off and said " I know what you are going to say". He thinks he communicates well, but he doesn't. Two weeks ago I had a nightmare, and he told me I was screaming in my sleep. Well later that day I told him that I was staying over his house for the night and he told me that I could not because he wanted to get some sleep because I kept him up the night before and that I need to get something done because I have a problem and I need to see a psychiatrist. FYI I have only had one nightmare this year, and never have had problems with them in the past, also I had the nightmare at 5am in the morning and afterwards went in the living and slept on the couch, so I did not keep him up. I went home later that day and did not answer his calls. He came to my house the next day and was upset that I did not answer the phone. He said that he was worried and wanted to make sure that I was okay. I feel like- he sent me home because he wanted to get some sleep, AFTER saying that I had a problem so how worried was he? He then went on to say that he could not believe that I was acting this way (not answering the phone) when I know that he is going through something with a sick parent and need to talk to me. I do not feel that I was wrong for not allowing him to cry on my shoulder. I feel like if he could not handle a little nightmare of mine why should I allow him to cry on my shoulder whenever he needs to? We did not speak to one another for one week. I have not went back to his house. I just don't feel like it and I am not liking his selfish ways. If I thought that talking to him would help, I would try it, but usually he turns every single thing into it's my fault. He goes on a (you this, you that, you need to, you shouldnt) marathon and never identifies anything that he could do to make things go more smoothly. I now understand why he have not been in a relationship with anyone for more than 6months and he is in his mid thirties. I think that he has good qualities but some of the negative qualities are pushing me very forcefally away. Also after all of that he does not want to see any type of crying or being upset. He said that his father used to make his mother cry all of the time when he was growing up and it used to upset him so he does not want to do that to anyone. He does not understand that his behavior and actions are upsetting. So I need advice, I am on the verge of walking away from this enitre situation.

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Originally Posted by sabrina2007

So I need advice, I am on the verge of walking away from this enitre situation.

You saved the best for last! (lol)

Look, forget your feelings for him for a second. Just based on how he treats you, would START dating a guy who treated you this way? No, of course not.

You're forgetting the most important part of dating, when familiarity settles in and you both start acting REAL. He isn't treating you badly now, he's treating you REAL. So that means earlier, it was simply beginning dating "good behavior".

Now that that's worn off, you can calmly look him in the eye and remind him he isn't done "courting you", and rewind things or cut them off altogether.

"Look, sweetie, you seem to forget that I am the prize here, and you're treating me like your pet and not your treasured girlfriend. The only thing 'permanent' right now, the only thing you can take to the bank, is the fact that your girlfriend will only remain your girlfriend as long as you stifle that ____________________. I so TOTALLY won't put up with it, any more than you would put up with it if I tried that EXACT same thing on you."

Next time he pulls something on the list, he goes into timeout: "OK, I warned you. You can't tell me how to talk. It simply will not happen. I'll talk to you in two weeks, take some time to yourself to remember how good I am to you and think about being that way to me again." Then walk out the door.

It really doesn't matter if you lose him over this (harsh, I know, forgive me), because there is NO WAY you would live with a lifetime of that crap, would you?

Just to add my two cents. You deserve a healthy satisfying and loving relationship. This doesn't sound to healthy to me and JBeaucaire couldn't have said it any better. He is showing you what his true nature is, now its up to you to decide if this is how you want to be treated by him. It is not your fault that his father made his mother cry is it? Why should you be treated as if it were? And if he already knows what you are going to say then why say anything to him at all? Except goodbye.

I agree with Janmarie, you need healthy love, not this type of love which is only healthy for him

He sounds very set in his ways and nothing you can do will change him or be good enough to suit him. Next time he says he knows what you were going to say pick up your stuff and walk out the door or do something unexpected. When he asks what are you doing tell him well you just said you knew what I was going to say and I was going to say I am going home now [or whatever] but you cut me off by telling me you already knew that. With his type you have to take creative drastic measures to get heard cause they know it all and it is all my way or the highway. Take the highway instead.
It only gets worse cause he does not appreciate you. I would even go as far as to say he
Has some resentment issues toward you whether he realizes it or not.
For him to say you need a psych even shows he does not think you are 'normal'

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I am on the verge of walking away from this enitre situation.

My your tough, to put up with that for a year. Had enough yet??

He is a control freak and self centered. Its all about him and you do not matter. He thinks that whatever he does is OK and eventually he is going to start acting that way, if he already hasn't. You will never have a voice about anything that you do together because you have already begun to create a monster. You have to stand up for yourself as a women and let him know that he isn't the only one who has needs or a voice in your relationship. You guys can't communicate without it being your fault or him shutting you down. Stand your ground or leave him alone because its only going to get worse and it might even turn abusive. A man like that doesn't know how to treat a women because his father never taught him. He thinks that it is OK for him to hurt you because he grew up watching his father hurt the most important women in his life, his mother. Run as fast as you can before your in too deep!