After 5 years together he broke up with me. He says it's over, but I still want to try being together. There's no one else, he just said that we have too many problems that we just can't work out. I don't feel that's true, I think we can work at it. He says he still cares for me, but wants to be crazy in love, not just complacent. I know he still loves me. He was talking marriage right before the break up. We fight a lot and I've realized I made quite a few mistakes with him. He also acknowledges that he's made mistakes, but just doesn't think he can put in the effort to change those mistakes. What should I do? We live together and I am moving out to give him space. But should I stay hopeful?

For whatever reasons at this time, he doesn't want to work with you, or this relationship. This is something you must accept, as he doesn't feel as you do, and you will in time realize that, and heal.

I realize the hurt, and pain your in, and sorry I can't give you the hope, or advice to ease that pain. The only thing I can offer is your not alone, as many of us have had to deal with the same feelings your having now.

Sorry for your loss, but it will get better.

He doesn't want it to work right now, you can't change his decision, just learn from mistakes that were made.

It will get better in time, I promise.. it will just take time

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The only thing I can offer is your not alone

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... Not alone [re:someone else has been through the same experience] but also
Make sure that you have plenty friends around you. :)

12402, I wish I had some words of advie, but all I can offer you is my own experience. You basically summed up my break up while describing yours. And if you need to just vent, then do it. If you'd like to just chat, then ill listen. Sometimes it helps just to know you're not alone.
When did the break up happen?

It has only been two days so far. We live together so it's really hard. This morning I tried calling his friend because I just wanted to know if he mentioned anything to him this extreme as a break up... His friend didn't pick up, thank God, because I realized really quickly that was a really stupid thing to do. I did, however, write him a letter explaining to him how I feel, but tried not to talk about getting back together. I felt I needed to do that because I need some kind of closure. I'm still in that phase where I think there might be hope, but then I think twice about it now. I feel a little bit better. I've been going out with friends and just taking time for myself. I haven't gone to work yet because I don't feel like answering questions. My boss is friends with both of us and has known us both for a long time.

I'm trying to be really strong. I have started looking for an apartment already to move out. Today he came home while I was home and we just did the chit-chat thing. He seemed surprised that I had gone out with friends and such. This was before the letter. Now I feel the letter might have been a mistake too, like the friend phone call. Oh well, can't do anything about it now, and it can't really get any worse than this. I'm sad and upset, but am a strong person. Haven't cried in 6 hours which is good for me. I'm also considering staying with friends until I find an apartment.

Girl, you have got to get out of there. Staying with your friend is an excellent thing to do for right now. He told you he wanted to break up, he doesn't want to try to work things out and from just that statement alone, you have to give him what he wants. Yes you can still stay hopeful that things will change, that he will change...people change all the time but they need that space to do it. I know what you are feeling because you are the one that wants to make it work and it hurts...it hurts real bad and it will be hard, I am not going to lie and say it's going to be easy for you. And once you do move out...don't call him. And if he calls you...which he will call you at some point...just be patient. But when he does or if you run into him at work or on the street...just be nice, be friendly, keep it short and sweet and be busy. What I mean by busy is ...always have something else to do besides talk with him. He is going to wonder why you are okay with the break up, he is going to try to get you back...not the other way around. Do you see what I am saying? And if not and he never comes back you need to get on with your life starting right now...today. When a relationship doesn't work out, it is not because there was anything wrong or missing in either you or him. It just means that maybe you're not a good fit for each other and you don't want to hold onto something that is not working because you are stealing precious time from him and yourself that could be spent in another relationship that does work.

The best thing you can do is give him his space and time but most importantly give yourself the time away from this whole situation and that can only be done by firstly staying at your friends place and secondly breaking any form of contact. I could not sleep at my place for the first few days so ended up crashing at a friends place. It really helped having someone to help me out so that will definitely do you good. Don't think back and wander whether the letter or any action was a mistake. Its best to regret something you've done than to regret for not doing something. It would have made no difference believe me, he was definitely thinking about it for some time now. Keep yourself busy and just take it one day at a time

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You don't want to hold onto something that is not working because you are stealing precious time from him and yourself that could be spent in another relationship that does work.

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I agree

This morning, I told him I missed him. He said he misses me too. He said we would talk more later. If we do end up talking today and its still the same, I'm going to leave until I find another apartment.

But, on a happier note, I came to work today!

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Originally Posted by 12402

This morning, I told him I missed him. He said he misses me too. He said we would talk more later. If we do end up talking today and its still the same, I'm going to leave until I find another apartment.

But, on a happier note, I came to work today!

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That is good news and this means that there is still hope. I hope that you get a chance to talk with him tonight or within a few days but don't call him or pressure him into this talk, just allow him to come to you when he is ready. I think you are doing the right thing by leaving and continue with your plan until things do change. Let him see that you are giving him what he had wanted and to me that is showing him that you care enough about him and his feelings. Again good luck and stay strong.

Stay strong. Keep your guard up though. You have become so much stronger in the past few days, and you don't even know it!

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Don't call him or pressure him into this talk, just allow him to come to you when he is ready.

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By giving him his own time & space,he'll respect you more for it. :)

This is an email response that I recieved today and it is along the same lines as to what is happening in your situattion and I thought I would share it with you before I head off to work. Maybe this will help in a way.

Have a great day!

Yesterday, we talked about getting a "Dear John" letter from
A man. Let me share this comment I received:

"How ironic this email came to me today. I was just on the
verge of calling my ex, whose name is John, too. It has been
a year since we split apart and three months since we last
talked.

"When John left me, it took me by complete surprise as
It was totally out of the blue. I was able to walk away
Retaining what dignity I had. My last words said to him
Were, 'I was a good girlfriend to you... if you are going
To leave, I wish you the best of luck finding someone who
Will give you what I gave.'

"Not even three months later, he was calling me again. I
finally put an end to his phone calls back in December, but
got the urge ironically to call him today. Good thing I got
your email, because it reminded me of all the things I did
for him that we women do for our significant others, only
to sometimes not get respected in return.

"Thanks again, "M."

Dear M. thank YOU. Your ex-boyfriend is now regretting his
Impulsive decision. It was his choice to take the chance of
Losing her forever by walking away, so now he has to live
With the consequences.

How did M. handle her situation? She walked away (without
Making an unpleasant scene, too). She virtually guaranteed
That she would be hearing from her "ex" again... she was
"proactive," if you can stand that word this early in the
Day. She took control of the situation by actually creating
In him a fear of loss. Her parting words to him had to make
Him wonder if he would ever find someone as great as she
Was to him.

M. didn't want to try again with her ex - and in her case,
I think she made the right decision. Generally, when people
Treat you badly more than once, chances are good that they
Are not going to change.

But the "Calling Men" moral of the story is - when things
Are breaking up and you want him to come back to you in
The near future - M.'s way can virtually guarantee that
He will reappear "like magic"... and at that point, it
Will be your "call" to say yes or no.

So we talked... he said he still needed time. That he misses me, but he doesn't miss the fights and arguments. That he needs to figure out who he is and what kind of person he wants to be with. So I told him I was leaving... he looked surprised.

After that, he told me that he hadn't been happy for 4 out of the 5 years we've been together... I don't believe all that... And that we didn't love each other, that's why we weren't willing to make things work... that's also a load of crap... And that he wasn't in love with me anymore, or at least that he wasn't sure about whether he still loved me or not. He told me he felt lonely at times, but was enjoying his free time.

Then he told me he wanted to see other people so I asked if there was anyone else. He told me that there was a girl at work that he'd been hanging out with at work and talking with. They weren't dating or anything. I think this may also be an exaggeration on his part.

So I left last night and am currently staying with a friend. Her husband thinks my boyfriend just needs time to himself to sort everything out, figure out his identity without me, except I don't have that kind of time. I know he still loves me and cares about me, but what am I supposed to do, just sit and wait? I don't think so!

12402- that's the same question I face... and no way do u sit around and wait! But when your heart is with him... how the hell do u move forward?

Sometimes it hits me really hard that we're not together anymore. I still have that sense of hope that maybe he'll just snap out of this.

I forgot to mention, he also told me he can see a life with me peacefully, but not necessarily happily... What does that mean?

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But when your heart is with him... how the hell do u move forward?

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... You HAVE to move forward,otherwise you'll get caught up in the emotion of it all. :(