Hi, My Boyfriend and I were on and off for 5 years. We got together at the ages of 21 and 22, through the years we became best friends and companions. Now living together and happier than ever before after working on ourselves through the years, and finding out , I think I know him better than anyone even his family, then I find out suddenly he has depression telling me he has always hid it well, like an introvert. Only after getting more and more over a matter of weeks I blew up on him after he went on a weekend drug binge saying it was all that made him happy... he didn't answer my phone calls or texts and then is late coming to our apt. to talk from work... after going around around about how I think he could have called or answered the phone and been more considerate and respectful and how he can't treat his girlfriend this way, I had no choice but to end the relationship because I won't except being treated like that, I have self respect and wanted him to know he can't get away with that... after which I offered him an opportunity to salvage the relationship by not just saying your sorry but showing your sorry with nice gesture.. he didn't really say anything if he would or not, and when I asked him if he could promise not to disappear and do that stuff again he said no I can't. We argued more and then he just got up and started to pack up his stuff, this made me so angry that he would just leave me( he has walked out in the past and promised never to again) without talking the situation through, I said some really hurtful mean things that I had never said to him ever! I feel betrayed, and like he doesn't give a crap about me and all that we have been through. I was so worried about him when he disappeared all weekend, it seemed like things kept happening that we creating fights where he was at fault and I was getting hurt. I got online and found this site to hopefully get some advice as to what to do and some facts because I am very unaware of what depression is and the symptoms... I should have been before we talked but I really thought it was something he could control and stop if he tried hard enough.
I can't lose him to this, I love him too much and we have been through too much... please tell me what I must do.

Thank you from my broken heart

I am so sorry you are broken hearted. It sounds like the two of you had something really special. I know you will hear from lots of people with much more insight than I have but for now, I just want to suggest a few thoughts.

It sounds to me that depression is not the issue but drug use. It can always be a catch .22 where a person is depressed so they do drugs, or they do drugs and go into depression.

It sounds like his whole attitude has changed toward you which sounds more drug induced than depression induced. I know you are concerned but all you can do is suggest he go to a doctor and ask about possibly getting on some antidepressants. These do not have to be a life long med. He might take them for a several months and things begin to look brighter, then he might get into an exercising program, walking, running, swimming to raise his endorphin levels in his brain and possibly be able to stop the antidepressants before too long and get back to the person you have known all these years.

If it is drugs at the basis of his problem, he will have some hard decisions to make. You can choose, of course, to stand by his side if he chooses to deal with the problem. If he won't make the choice, there is not much you can do. A person must decide these types of things on their own.

Some general signs of depression can be sleeping during the day when he should be up and working or getting things done, wanting to shut the world out. Feeling so exhausted, he can barely put one foot in front of the other and if severely depressed, even expressing himself verbally comes with difficult. Lack of concentration is also a sign of possible depression.

I am truly sad that your heart is broken and my hope is that he will come back and you and he can have a long visit and work some things out. I do urge you to stand your ground though and not allow him to abuse you verbally or otherwise. You can't necessarily "fix" what is broken. He has to seek help whether it is depression or drugs.

Best to you! Hang in there. As I say, others will come along and add more posts later. Meanwhile, be sure and go to the bottom of this screen and you will see some sites listed about depression that might help you understand it better.

Well thank you so much for the words of encourgement and insight... I did feel that at first it was drug related because he and I both experimented for about 6months and we were both on the same page having fun... then I had to have surgery and wanted to be in the best conditoin health wise so I quite everything completely; drinking, smoking and the drugs... he didn't... or should I say didn't want to... this caused problems so I demanded he stop for me and our relationship. That lasted about 3 weeks before this happened. So I see your point where it is a catch 22. EIther way I know he needs help. I will stand by him as a friend, he does not need a relationship now... even though I am still so very in love and want to be with him, maybe when he gets the help he needs he will want to still, I was very hurtful to him in not knowing where his actions were coming from, it hasn't even been 24 hours so I know a couple days are probably what he needs before he will talk to me, I pray he will... I know it is for the best now that he work on himself and get better and get his life straight... my happiness matters to me as well and my sucees and I can't let it affect me. So, thank you again, you were very helpful and it is just nice to know people care enough out there to take the time to write me:-)

So glad to hear back from you. It sounds as if you have a good head on your shoulders. Even so, it hurts to go through times such as you are going through. You are right to take a step back Your happiness does matter. I wish you both the best.

You can learn how to control your emotions and act normally while you are angry.

A 12 Step Program would be very helpful to you at this time in your life. A group for substance abuser's partners, or if you have or havehad a substance abuse problem, either NA or AA.

Life is all about being happy, not on a roller coaster of negative emotions. :)

This evening it will be two days I have not heard from him... I know I can be an impatient person but this really... really is bothering me the way things were left... I know a cooling off period is needed but I am now in a different mind set with a completely different attitude towards him... I have been researching this condition for days... and the only one who got very mad and angry was me... like I said in my first post he was very calm and quiet and just emotionless so I would think that by now he is OK enough to talk... I have never been one to give up on anything and I will try until I am told very directly to stop... I will respect the wishes of others but he is not responding to any phone call or text... I 'm just very worried... should I keep trying, stop up at his work, or just accept this as something I can't fix??

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Originally Posted by need facts

this evening it will be two days I have not heard from him...I know I can be an impatient person but this really...really is bothering me the way things were left...I know a cooling off period is needed but I am now in a different mind set with a completely different attitude towards him...I have been researching this condition for days...and the only one who got very mad and angry was me...like I said in my first post he was very calm and quiet and just emotionless so I would think that by now he is ok enough to talk....I have never been one to give up on anything and I will try until I am told very directly to stop...I will respect the wishes of others but he is not responding to any phone call or text...I 'm just very worried...should I keep trying, stop up at his work, or jsut accept this as something i can't fix???

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A person has to do what they can live with. What I or others might suggest, might not be the way that would give you peace about the situation. I will make a suggestion however:

Two days is not very long in the scheme of things. It sounds as if he was either ready to make the break and your anger you felt and exhibited may have just hurried up the process, or he has made the choice to do the drugs and knows you will not just let him do it without some confrontation. If you are worried about his health, I understand you wanting to stop by his work. Is there someone, one of his friends or a mutual friend you could confide in and just make sure he is safe to ease your mind?

You sound like the type of person I am... I need closure to any situation or conversation. If you know he is OK and he is just not answering the phone calls or texts, I suggest you stop all calls and all texts. Give him time to miss you!

Base line is you can't fix anything except what goes on inside of you. You can apologize for things you said if given the opportunity but one person cannot fix a broken relationship. It takes both working at it. For whatever reason, he is gone for now. If possible, stay busy, talk with close friends, sounds lame I know when you are hurting and upset. Time does have a way of working things out. Best to you! Keep us posted.

You might be "addicted" to him, or "addicted" to strong emotions and conflict.

When you say that 'you are not someone to give up on something', that is not necessarily a positive quality. Do you understand that? People on the Titanic said they preferred to stay on the ship because they didn't want to give up believing it wouldn't sink.

Best wishes dealing with your anxiety. :)

Your situation is sooooo similar to mine. My (ex)boyfriend and I broke up a few days ago, and I haven't heard from him since! And the last time we talked... everything was fine. So I know the pain, worry, and longing you are going through. I believe that my ex just needs time to cope with the demise of our relationship(we had a mutual break up, for many reasons, but it ended with us as friends). He usually copes with alcohol, like your ex does with drugs.

So more than likely, both of our ex's are just coping with their issues and they aren't concerned about how upset we are, they just don't want to talk to us because they KNOW we're upset. I mean, you would think they would at least let you know if they are OK?

Well, I just wanted you to know that I feel your pain and I understand what you are going through. I, too am praying that my ex will call. Stay strong and the best of luck to you!

Ok so... thank you to eveyone for your advice and outward observation as people that don't really know me... most of the things commented are dead on... I think now I have the closure I need... he stopped by to talk because I caught him at work telling him his things needed to be picked up asap... having them around was hard. SO when we sat down to talk I explained very calm that I need to know why he is treating me this way and if he sees how he is hurting himself and me... he admitted to me that he doesn't want any help from me... and that he wants to deal with this on his own and not hurt me any more than I have been... so he said he is trying to protect me because he loves me... and these bad influence people who just aid his deficiency are not important to him which is why he hangs out and does what he does over there... I don't know what to think about that but I want to believe that is the case... so we left it with OK I can move on and do my thing and I will be here if he needs to talk or help with his issues, as a friend... I know once I get emotionally strong again though I am not going to want to risk getting hurt again... this will be something down the road as far as a decsion about our relationship goes... granted I have not found someone else... I told him I feel bad he can't control it or have a timeline or anything(understandable)but, I can't wait... if I were to meet someone great I would explore that... because I am ready and at t a good place in life... I guess there is no way to know how we will pan out in the future... we have been though so much that anything is possible but the thought is scary because I want a future with the man I had before he lost his way, we are just drawn to each other and have such a connection that it's hard to believe anyone could ever make me that happy again... I 'm afraid there is no permanent fix for his problem though and I will always fear it coming around again if I get back with him when he takes care of his problem... Oh I might be an over analyzer... but after the wek I've had I am drained ang getting tired of thinking so much... I think it is time to levce it to god and just concentrate on me... I have great friends and family for support so when I have the bad days they are there... and the good ones are starting to come:-) Thank you again to all!

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Originally Posted by djbowens

Your situation is sooooo similar to mine. My (ex)boyfriend and I broke up a few days ago, and I haven't heard from him since! And the last time we talked... everything was fine. So I know the pain, worry, and longing you are going through. I believe that my ex just needs time to cope with the demise of our relationship(we had a mutual break up, for many reasons, but it ended with us as friends). He usually copes with alcohol, like your ex does with drugs.

So more than likely, both of our ex's are just coping with their issues and they aren't concerned about how upset we are, they just don't want to talk to us because they KNOW we're upset. I mean, you would think they would at least let you know if they are ok??

Well, I just wanted you to know that I feel your pain and I understand what you are going through. I, too am praying that my ex will call. Stay strong and the best of luck to you!

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THank you and I am sorry that you have to feel anything like what I do /did... things are getting better... teh mind is very resiliant and the heart... it comes down to telling yourself certain things that will retrain the way you feel about the situation... now I am thankful and not so upset that he is not wanting to put me though anymore strife... I beat myself up a little but I tried everything I could and he knows that and that is never giving up or a failure when you have tried your best... you just can step back and protect yourself... you seem much stronger than I was so thank you for the support and I'm am praying your sitution turns out positively

P.S. though life sucks in the way we must learn these lessons.. in the end I am blessed to be a wiser stronger person:-) take care