My Husband Hides Porn and I Think It's Stupid
I have been with my husband 12 years and married for 5. I never married him for looks but he is the most beautiful person I have ever known. I was fresh sixteen when I met him and we are a family with one child now with one on the way. He still puts me and my daughter first above his needs a “true gentleman” and I mean we still hold hands, he still holds the door at times, and walks on the dangerous side of the sidewalk so to speak. Best of all tells me he loves me at the end of each telephone call. I am in love with him just the same as before, if not more. Anyone that meets him ardors him, he is easygoing and likable.
We do engage in having sexual intercourse couple times a week since my daughter was born 1 ˝ ago so I am not complaining about his performance. I just have a slight issue around his porn. He is been hiding porn forever, even while dating... about that time I should have realized that I had three choices (1) to change it, (2) accept it, or (3) move on. My guy friends at the time where so open with it I thought was weird but figured he was embarrassed and I didn't have the right to probe besides sex was good. He likes his porn, he likes it private, and he does not want me involved in any shape or form whatsoever. That was fine 5 years ago but till this day he is not open with it and he hides it and lies about it. It has escalated from then to larger lump sums of explicit material and some fetishes adopted but it is nothing to be alarmed about. I laugh because he tries to cleverly hide it all away but unfortunately for him I am a good cleaner and run across it. The most important thing is, sometimes I leave it, other times I bring it out and set it in plain view in our room, and I don't say anything to attack, embarrass or upset him (but boy does his mood change from good to bad without directing it to me). Instead I try to be supportive and I have given up explaining or trying to convince him its OK, so at times I will avoid the subject just so he sees that it is really no big deal (ignoring it). Arguing only makes it worse. But that doesn't work because he just hides it again... and again... and again! I tried sharing my stuff but he holds out, and I don't want him taking advantage of me either. For some time it seems as though everything is going well, he's opening up, he admits his problem and he sees I support him. I don't get emotional about it, I just tell him that its exhausting to go over the same thing over and over again. He says he will change but "his stash is always in his words "thrown out"". In the end I always get the same results and the same response “those aren't mine their my brothers” or “oh, I threw them out”. So now I have my stash and he has his. I just would feel better if he didn't hide it you know? After all there is nothing to be ashamed of everyone does it! I just don't want to do this for the rest of our lives. He is a man and I am a woman and this is normal and sexual desire is normal for “both” of us. He looks, I look, he fantasizes well guess what... I do too... like that is news! I respect that some things should remain discreet and I don't have high any expectations of him, just be honest and truthful just like most men have it and leave it. What's the problem here? For the first 3 years in our marriage we only did it monthly, which started it. For a long time I thought it was me, I know it wasn't and I am not jumping to conclusions I just think that he had a major addiction and it is getting better. All I am trying to do is understand him and support him. We had talk couple months ago (these talks are relatively short and from my heart…I don't want to impede or agitate an already sensitive subject, which also means I don't get emotional about it) and since then we have gone to stores together and I like to have him buy stuff for me. But for some reason he can't pick out a porn?
This all leads me back to my three choices (1) to change it, (2) accept it, or (3) move on. (1) Change it. I know I can't change it because I can not change him, but I have the power to change myself…how do you change your perspective on it? Or what can I change about myself to make myself feel better about the situation? (2) Accept it. I have no alternative but to accept it as it is, as he is? (3) Move on. Is it really that big of an issue that a separation/divorce can be a result. The hiding is the problem not the porn.
Thank you for taking your time to read my question and thank you for any helpful and constructive responses.