Self-protection to Obsession
I apologize in advance for the length of this post. I am very confused and wanted to try to be clear about the situation, which due to the length of the relationship had some main points I wanted to clarify.
I'm in an 8 yr relationship with someone who does not like to talk about details and considers himself to need 'independence'. He has always been one to be vague and if I ask about details, he usually gets upset at me. I'm prone to jealousy and push people away if I do not feel reassured in a relationship and details and openness help me with reassurance [as opposed to being closed and defensive and getting angry as to 'why I need to know']. Initially, I felt comfortable with him and trusted him for the most part, but then situations would occur that gradually built up my distrust. E.g. within the first year of the relationship, 1. after calling him and telling him I'd call him back, he would not answer the phone, nor return my pager request - I went to his house - and a woman was there - he said was his ex-gf - he was nervous answering the door, hesistated to let me in, then said his ex was there - I calmly insisted to meet her - which I did, and then I left. He said she was there because she needed to talk about some problems she was having - she had become a stripper towards the end of their relationship and they had broken up after a bad fight a few years earlier in which she accused him of beating her after coming home late drugged out, She supposedly tried to renig her accusation because it wasn't true but wanted to make him angry, but the court wouldn't let her renig and he has a police record [his story] which now does not allow him into countries such as Canada due to Interpol. 2. when staying over his house, he received a call from his upstairs woman neighbor who called him at 3am and he proceeded to talk to her as if I wasn't there [didn't say 'my girlfriend's here, it's late, got to go] - I asked him who it was and he said 'the crazy neighbor' - I said I was uncomfortable with the situation of some woman calling in the middle of the night and he said 'she's much older' - there's nothing to worry about. I met her a few weeks later, and she was a brash, overly sexy, very flirtatious blonde woman who was younger than I was. 3. found lots of p*rn on his PC which he cast off as being used to exchange for software - I just wanted him to be upfront about it, but he would not be. 4. would often not call or show up as he said he would or would back out of things at the last minute [even if I had purchased tickets.] 5. I often find that he does not tell people he has a girlfriend 6. even though we are both in the same career, he rarely invites me along to things he's invited to [which I could be invited to] to do with the career. I have to ask - or I don't even know it's going to happen and find out later that he went. 7. in the earlier part of our relationship, we were discussing credit and he told me he had excellent credit - it turned out to be the complete opposite, so 'if' I were to marry him, my excellent credit would be ruined. There is more, but this is already lengthy.
Due to my sometimes needing reassurance in the relationship and due to his inability for intimacy and openness, if I ask questions, I instead get a defensive and angry response. I then can become more jealous and less trusting. E.g. he was going to a woman's house about once a week [supposedly] to train her on software and began having long, clearly personal conversations with her, and his voice would change when talking to her [he ended up having a trist with her and says I pushed him to it by not trusting him after questioning why he was having such personal conversations with her and not being open about it - he would never talk about her as if she was a 'friend' which was conflicting to me - a friend is a friend, and you'd mention them - as well as meet them.] What is especially hurtful is that he has always had sx/intimacy issues and I have been very patient with him.
I've now found myself snooping, and am very uncomfortable with it, but feel I need to to protect myself. I've found emails from women who are overtly coming on to him to which he responds with winkys - or 'that's more like it' in regards to her writing 'I want to kiss you... ' and as much as he says he told her he has a girlfriend, based on her emails, I doubt it.
There are many people he knows that I have never met and he never mentions. He is on myspace and Facebook with tons of people as 'friends' that he never has mentioned. His myspace friends are many p*rn women profiles, etc.
Right now I am healing from the trist he had [to which, now, I wonder how many others may have occurred that I may not know about]. Due to him acting very volatily for a while, and asking him if there was someone else, it was when I began snooping and had found out about the trist [his story, she came on to him saying how she felt about him, and he stopped her after some oral - but, why would she [and he at the time] be getting tested for stds - so yet another red flag that there is a lie in place]. I knew for some time before confronting him with it and after confronting him with finding out that the woman emailed him about getting tested for stds to be sure she didn't have 'anything else' and that she would let him know the results. I was deeply hurt and did not know how to deal with it. He was telling her about a 'rash', which she said she talked to her doctor about. He says the trist happened because I was on his case about the phone calls, which, yes, at times, I would let him know I was very uncomfortable with the phone conversations because they were personal/intimate, not professional, and they were talking very often. She would call late in the evening, etc. He apologized for what happened and said he feels ashamed because we had a monogamous commitment to each other, and he's agreed to get couples counseling with me, but I feel very raw and betrayed and I now am even more distrustful of him - and he's now even more guarded and I feel there is probably not much help.
We do have quite a few things in common but he says I treat him like a child and I feel disrespected. There also have been times I have felt very connected to him, which is why I have not broken it off yet.
He continually comes home late from work and doesn't call to say he's running late - although he was prone to that before, now my distrust has got red flags going up continually. His finances are a mess. And he's being more guarded then ever - which does not help me with reassurance.
I am the main financial support for the household as when he moved in, I had told him I would help for a bit while he got his career going - it's been 4 yrs and although he's been better with pitching in, it is still very one-sided and I felt I've done what I can to express that a more even financial balance would be very helpful to me.
Your thoughts are greatly appreciated. My confusion has been that while trying to protect myself, I feel I've gone to the side of obsession.
