so me and this girl went out for about a year, had a very intense relationship where we hung out everyday and eventually she became so needy and clingy that I couldn't bear it anymore and dumped her... she had serious self-esteem issues that she needed to fix in order for her to give me breathing space basically, so I ended it. We had a messy breakup as the next couple months we were "in limbo" where we were 'broken up', but whenever we saw each other we'd both get a little physical and still act cute etc... eventually after that we stopped talking for about 2 months, and then a few weeks ago she contacted me out of the blue (after us not talking for 2 months) saying that while she was meditating her thoughts went straight to thinking about me in past, and my birthday was coming up in a couple weeks so apparently she wanted to take me out to dinner a few days before my actual birthday. I agreed to it and took it as a friendly, sweet gesture on her part. At the dinner we were both cordial, polite, got along and had decent conversation. She seemed more confident and challenged me on little things which she didn't when we went out. She seemed somewhat guarded during the meeting, and I'm bad at reading body language or have little intuition or whatever, but I felt like she was hiding something or there was something a little funny about it all. First, I didn't understand why she decided to take me out 'for my birthday' out of the blue, whether it's because she wanted me in her life still or wanted me back, or just to use the occasion for her closure. Anyway, at the dinner she told me she did a couple lines of blow beforehand (probably to make her more confident, assertive, less afraid) , and she would stare/gaze into my eyes for more than a couple seconds at a time in a way that made me feel uncomfortable and I'd look away. I'm also a type of person comfortable with strong eye contact, but when she looked directly in my eyes it seemed overtly sexual or penetrating, or not sure what, emotional maybe since her eyes were a bit watery too after I told an emotional story. Anyway, after this dinner meeting I called her a couple days later to see if she wanted to grab lunch before she left on her monthlong vacation a week later. She said no because she had to work everyday, and I said OK. She texts me randomly now, for example, says "i had a dream you died last night, and i woke up crying", and also we talked the day before she left on vacation and I said "well it sucks we didnt get to hangout before you left", and then she changed her story and said "i just saw you a week ago", not sure if she didn't want to see me, or if she just thought itd be better for her to stay away. We send little flirtatious messages to each other, but she seems not to reveal everything to me, which bugs me now. For example, I texted her flirtatiously to say that my cigarette went out, and therefore, was she just thinking about me? And she responded by dodging the question and saying "is that a sign? i never heard of that", and I said "yes i heard it from someone", and she then says "hm. maybe you crossed my mind." so in a way it just seems she's just trying to keep me wondering about whether she's interested or not, in order to stay friends, without saying yes or no. she's also in the past few weeks said she's not dating anyone, and isn't looking to date anyone, and she likes to flirt the line between me thinking she's into me and me thinking she's just playing games. What's the truth here?

The truth is both of you are playing stupid mind games with each other. She said she isn't looking to date anyone, and since she has already had you, you're safe. You're the fall back guy, congrats for that. Now you can put an end to this 1 of 2 ways.

The first way, ask her flat out how she is feeling about you. Whether she wants a friendship or something more. Depending upon the answer, go from there

The second way, just stop with the flirting and everything. Enjoy the friendship level and keep it there. Don't send texts that give any type of indication that you are into her.

Im sorry did I read correctly? That she did a couple lines of blow before your date? Is that normal for her? To me, I think that's very odd that she would have to do that to feel comfortable.. I think you should stay away from this girl.. she didn't seem to have improved herself in your time apart, she is just using drugs to appear more confident.. is that really self improvement? I don't think so..

I wouldn't want to get rapped up with this chick.. I suggest you stop all contact with her and move on..

She psycho!! Dump her!

I broke up with my ex girlfriend 6 months ago due to her huge insecurity, neediness, clinginess, possessiveness etc. we were in limbo for about 3 months afterwards, still hanging out sometimes and getting a little cute and physical and she wanted to go out again but I said no as it seemed like we would revert to the same old problems. We then stopped talking for 2 months, and out of the blue she called me to say she wanted to take me out to dinner for my birthday. I accepted and thought of it was a kind gesture, but wondered if there was something more to it. We got along well at the dinner, and then several days later I called her to ask to hang out again before she left on vacation and she said no because she 'just saw me a week ago'. While on her vacation we have been talking and texting for a couple of weeks and she drops subtle hints that she likes me, yet subtle enough for me not to be sure. She also called me twice to talk about a guy she hung out with twice who lives in another state, who she is 'extremely compatible' with, and who she is considering pursuing a relationship with. She wanted my advice on how to go about that, and honestly gave her it but said the odds are very slim due to them living far apart. We also had a long talk about our past relationship and I apologized for some obviously wrong things I did, to which she cried. Later in the conversation I said "well, im keeping open the possibility of us trying to date later in the future", to which she said "not anytime soon". I also asked why she had contacted me out of the blue and taken me out to dinner for my birthday, and her answer was "it's just my guilt complex. i didnt want you to think i was a bad person". I found that somewhat of an ingenuine answer, as nobody had expected her to do that in the first place. I called her the next day to talk about her response, and told her I was personally offended for taking me out for my birthday for 'selfish and questionable' reasons. She then responded by saying things were 'getting weird' between us and we should limit how much we talk because we were getting too close again and emotionally 'weird'. After all this, I realized she had been sending me constant mixed messages since we had started talking, and I decided to tell her that I thought it'd be best, instead of limiting our talking, to simply end this all since we hadn't gotten along as partners nor as friends. She texted me later that day with some type of joke, and I didn't respond. Later she tried to call me and I ignored the call. Later, she sent me a text that said "if i dont make it down this mountain alive, you're amazing and i love you." apparently, she was at a wedding atop a mountain and has a serious fear of heights? Also, she was drunk, as she was forced to drink to be calm on the way down. This was furthermore confusing to me, and I was still frustrated although I did want to hear something clear and honest (or supposedly so?) and so she tried to call me twice more within the next day, and I ignored those calls again. What's going on here?

Not much, seems like--just a lot of teasing and game-playing to idle away the time until something serious comes along. I would move on with my life if I were you.

So me and my ex went out for a year and then I broke up with her, and we were "in limbo" for several months after that where then she asked me out again and I told her no because she was still too needy and dependent on me which was the reason I ended the relationship in the first place. A few months after she asked me out again, she called me out of the blue on my birthday and asked me if I wanted to do brithday dinner so I said yeah fine and we went, and we've now been talking for the past few months ever since. For the first few months after that I thought she was sending me mixed messages and didn't know what she wanted, whether just friendship or more, and eventually I told her she was sending me mixed signals and asked her what she wanted from me and she said "nothing", which made no sense, as such as the day before when she sent me a text that said "youre amazing, i love you", which apparently she sent because she has a huge fear of heights and thought she would die going down this mountain. I stopped talking to her for her mixed signals, and a few weeks later she started texting me the "i miss you" a couple times, and we eventually reconnected and hungout a couple times which went OK. A week ago we hungout then and started making out, which she claims only I initiated, which is untrue, at least to the extent that after that she kept trying to hold my hand and we held hands for hours. A couple days later she called me and asked if I wanted to talk about 'something' and I basically told her id be interested in dating her again, taking it slow, or at least trying to go on some dates, she said "i dont know", said she had to figure out her work and life situation right now, and that although I'm someone she could marry someday and I make her a better person, she didn't think it was a good time. She said I'm her "mr.Big", a reference to a sex and city character that can't commit but who is meant to be with the main character. So she said I was just lonely and want 'somebody', not necessarily her, which I realized since then is somewhat true, and why I must agree with her decision. She said she would 'think about it' regardless, told me to wait, said she just had to figure stuff out in her life, and couldn't just date me casually because she cares too much about me etc. I said these are understandable reasons and its true that I should think about whether I really want to date her as well or not, and we left it at that. What's strange is she also said she "didnt see me romantically anymore" which bothered me because I took it as that she wasn't attracted to me anymore? But that wouldn't make sense, considering everything else she said? Anyway, a few days later she called me at 2am after a bar saying she had no place to go because she lives far from the bar, asking if she could crash at my house. I told her I was at a friend's house, the truth. The next day she called me to get lunch, which we did, and it was friendly and we got along as usual. The next day she called me at 4:30 am and I didn't answer because I had work the next day. Apparently the next day she told me that again she didn't want to drive all the way home after the 4am bar and wanted to see if she could crash at my place. I was like "oh?" "i thought it was a drunk dial", it was past 4 am. Apparently she "wasnt drunk" either. But sobered up in her car before driving home. I agree that me and her shouldn't go out, but I am just wondering that with games or confusions like these, is she even worth being friends with? We are close, to the extent that we have remained friends through everything to this point and we care about each other deeply. I just feel that in the past few months she has been playing games and acting selfishly, but id like an objective opinion on whether her intentions are good. I also sympathize with the fact that I broke up with her and then rejected her a few months later, which my friends say is why she had to play games to try not to seem desperate and get me interested again. I'm just not sure where to draw the line as to whether its worth my time to keep on with this friendship and future romantic possibility. I should also mention that she frequently attempts to make me jealous by talking about other guys she has had interest or sex with, although she is single. She also refuses to make plans with me, although I am a busy person, and insists on calling me on the spur of the moment to hangout within the hour, which I have told her I do not like.

All I'm going to say is that, there's worse things in life then having somebody care about you. Why would you want to get rid of someone friendship or beyond that you care deeply about and she does you? Just doesn't make sense.

So, first off, I dated this girl for a year and we had a rocky relationship, partly because I made a mistake of rebounding with her from a previous relationship... anyway, I eventually broke things off as she was too needy and dependent on me, and we stayed in limbo for a few months until she asked me out again and I said no, as I was enjoying my new freedom and we still fought over the phone sometimes. After a couple months no contact, she called me for my birthday and said she wanted to take me to dinner, and since then we started hanging out about once every couple weeks. I thought that she had changed in some way for the better and was interested in seeing if things could potentially work out this time around. She sent mixed signals and we flirted for a couple months. Then, last time we hungout, we made out and held hands for hours. After that we had 'a talk', where I told her I wanted to be with her again, and she said a lot of mixed things. First she said "i dont know", she said "i dont think you really want to be with me...you're just lonely and want somebody right now since youre never single. youre someone i could marry, and i want you around for the rest of my life, but right now is not the right time. i have to figure out my work and life situation . plus, it hasnt been that long since the breakup (8 months) so neither of us has changed that much. just wait....not very soon....." she also said she "didnt see me romantically" anymore, and she "cares too much about me" to just even try to casually go on some dates to see how things go from there. So we talked about this for an hour, and a few days later she calls me at 4 something am and I don't pick up. Apparently, she was calling because she had no place to stay after going to a bar. The next day after that she calls me to go get lunch. We go get lunch and it was OK, nothing different really. A couple days later she texts me a picture of some guy and says "you look exactly like this guy", which indeed was someone who did look just like me. It was very late again, I was at a bar, and showed the picture to a girl I was with, and responded back in text "well, my girl here thinks im hotter", which she did. Then she responded, "Uh. im not trying to him. why are you being a ". We didn't talk for 2-3 weeks after that, until she texted me a couple times and then tried to call me late at 1 am on thanksgiving night, where I didn't pick up again. First, I want to know if she was just giving me a flat out no and putting it lightly, or whether she seems to be honest and confused (as I think perhaps) or what that all truthfully means, as she might not even know. Also, what's with her calling me so late always, and is the picture she sent yet another attempt of hers to make me jealous as it seemed? I'm independent from her and live my own life, but I would just like to make sense out of a lot of this, as I care about her as a person, so any input would be appreciated.

Sounds to me like she wants to end it but doesn't want you to move on.
Sometimes, even though they are done... girls want you to not be able to live without them... just what I have seen. It doesn't make sense. It happens

Just tell her flat out No, you are not interested. So then she can get on with her own life
And by the way, don't disrupt her life anymore, if you don't want an enemy
Leave with some dignity. Not yours, hers. She just needs you to be clear.

Well, well, well... basically I would say she's beyond confused. It seems like she wants to go out and play the field and be free, while still holding on to what has in you, which is basically a comfort zone, and she doesn't want to lose that... yet.

My best advice to you would simply contact her, or wait until she contacts you again and ask her to leave you alone, because it's messing with your head now and you don't need that stuff. Your doing well on your own, for your own sanity cut her off, and start the no contact, if she wants to come back and make it work out with you for marriage and such, she WILL let you know.

Take Care,
LCM

So I went out with this girl for a year, in which it was somewhat of a "rebound relationship" for me (I realize now), meaning I was still not totally over my ex who had broken up with me a few months beforehand. So anyway we go out for a year and I couldn't truly love her throughout, and she told me she loved me and so on all the time. She was very clingy and needy and possessive and always accused me of flirting with other girls, so after 1 yr I ended up breaking up with her, and then she asked me out again a few months later and I said no and she was still the same person. Now, 8 months after our second breakup, I just told her on the phone that I couldn't be friends with her anymore, as I became interested in her as she seemingly became more independent over the last several months, and I even asked her out a couple months ago and she said no, and that "i was just lonely and wanted somebody", and said that I "wasnt ready for commitment" and so forth. I ended up agreeing with it as what she said was at least somewhat true. Its also worth mentioning that we broke up and got back together again frequently throughout the time we went out. However, all the game playing she did over the last several months, such as blatantly and repeatedly trying to make me jealous, being resentful and mean, defensive etc, kind of fake---always telling me how improved she is now etc, has really started to bother me. So that is what led to my decision to end the 'friendship' and she cried over the phone and said that she only acted 'defensive, resentful, and insulting' towards me now because I broke her heart, and that things would be like that for a long time. It's a shame because I was interested in her for a while (I asked her out a couple months ago) and I thought we might have a future together. She continued to fuel this idea by saying we could be perfect together and that one day we'd be together and bla bla while also dating other people and then saying the opposite, frequently. She even made out with me once. On the phone, eventually she just shouted and hung up on me a couple times, and said FINE, THEN WE Won't BE FRIENDS, YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT. And so I was basically like 'have a nice life'. I asked her several times, "Why do you want to be friends when you still hold anger towards me from the breakup a year ago?". She only became angrier from the question and couldn't give me a real answer. So she hung up and texted me the next couple days, saying, "you want me to be the weak person i was before. you can't tolerate me now because i wont take your bull. you like to hurt people. you should fix that." I even talked about that text to one of my friends who agrees that she is insane, (well we already knew that long ago) but everything she said there is not true, and all I did was point out to her that I didn't want to be friends because she was behaving inappropriately towards me. So I didn't respond. She texted me again the next day, "the reason i want to be your friend is that i love you. Not in a romantic way. Sorry i needed some time to think about that." Huh? I'm done talking to her, and just want to know how to think about all of this. I'm walking away as I think its best for me (she sounds too crazy and resentful to be a friend) and also for her, but I like to know the truth behind things. Does that text mean she finally admits she was sending me mixed messages for some time? What does it mean about how she feels towards me? I really don't understand how she thinks anymore, and obviously this is why the 'friendship' had to end...

Still haven't figured out how to let go and move on, huh!? Okay, start with No Contact with her what so ever. Then you keep it that way and heal. You will find your confusion becomes less as you move on without her.

Wow, sounds like you still really care. Well, she has low self esteemand has turned to drugs to cope. Her behavior sounds typical of someone who is an addict. Evasive, confusing-a little weird. Seems she might have a problem. Maybe go to Aalanon-they may shed some light.