Ask Me Help Desk - Is it me?

My boyfriend of two years, is having trouble getting and staying erect when its time to have sex, however he doesn't have a problem . He masturbates daily. Also he has told me that he will get up early in the morning a go masturbate twice, instead of waking me up. I'm in my mid thirties, and have a high sexually drive, and he is younger than me. He saids that when he wants to have sex he can't but when he doesn't he can. I'm confused. It has come to be such a problem, that he is distancing himself from me. Is this a condition, and if so, can this cause low sperm count?

>Moved from Forum Help<

This a no brainer, tarose, he has to stop masturbating if he wants a happy sexual relationship. Satisfying oneself is just too easy to predictable and TOO LAZY. If he can't take the time to make you happy, I don't think this relationship is worth it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tarose1234

My boyfriend of two years, is having trouble getting and staying erect when its time to have sex, however he doesn't have a problem . he masturbates daily. also he has told me that he will get up early in the morning a go masturbate twice, instead of waking me up. i'm in my mid thirties, and have a high sexually drive, and he is younger than me. he saids that when he wants to have sex he can't but when he doesn't he can. I'm confused. It has come to be such a problem, that he is distancing himself from me. Is this a condition, and if so, can this cause low sperm count?

>Moved from Forum Help<

IT'S NOT YOU! IT'S HIM!

I agree with tickle, if he can masturbate then he can perform. If you need more confirmation, another way to check is in the morning when he is sleeping... see if he is erect (due to a full bladder), then ultimately has no erectile dysfunction. I am sure that sperm count won't be of a factor unless of course you are trying to conceive a child. There are men that get "snipped" so to say, as maybe they don't want anymore or any children and trust me they do not have a problem with getting fully erect even if they have no sperm count. I understand that being in your thirties is not easy because you're on the prowl now and this situation only frustrates you.

Don't be naïve. My synopsis is that you have a boyfriend that has an addiction, an addiction to porn because he would rather masturbate then be with you. This does not mean he loves you any less, nor does it mean he is not attracted to you, it just means that he enjoys that type of entertainment. Maybe he doesn't feel rejection, he feels like he's getting away with something, that he is always accepted, beautiful women want him, he feels in control, he feels aroused by women who just want to have or are just are crazy about sex all the time, anytime, and at his time. Bottom line, men love women who love sex! This doesn't mean he doesn't want to have sex with you or that your unwilling…it just means he has a problem and unfortunately there is dark side of porn. This has been going on for some time in his head…its not you.

In my opinion, this kind of behavior is premature in your relationship, you have only been dating for two years…I am sure you know all about this but I guess I am just reconfirming your thoughts. I would like to hear that you sit him down and have a chat over a nice private dinner with some wine, relax him and then tell him how you feel BUT avoid using “YOU” and use “I” terminology (this is usually sensitive subject for him and can push him away further), try to be supportive and figure out exactly what he's thinking, without guiding him and give him some control over the conversation. You want to communicate and exchange information; it's trying to see beyond what he is telling you without reading too much into it. Keep it under 10 minutes otherwise he will get aggravated and leave. If the situation does not improve, you're only thirty, if there are no attachments think of it this way…you're young and there are plenty men out there and there is one just for you. His type of behavior usually progresses so it won't get easier and how much of yourself are you willing to give? Is it worth it? The last thing any woman wants to feel is rejected by her lover so if need be get out while your ahead. Ultimately you have to live life for you, since at the end of the day that's all you have…take care and I really hope he works it out for his sake.

There is definitely a big problem when a guy prefers masturbating to sex.

You didn't say how much younger his is than you... that could be the problem. Like having sex with "mom". Perhaps he is cast in the role of young guy being taken care of... that can generate unconscious fears, that's for sure!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Choux

There is definitely a big problem when a guy prefers masturbating to sex.

You didn't say how much younger his is than you....that could be the problem. Like having sex with "mom". Perhaps he is cast in the role of young guy being taken care of....that can generate unconscious fears, that's for sure!!!

I'll second that... any guy that would spank the monkey twice in the morning when there is a willing woman nearby has an issue.

I used to date older women in my 20's. Now older meant up to 10 years older than me, not 20 or 30.

I don't agree with the last two posts at all. He has been with her for 2 years... it has nothing to do with her or her age. He wouldn't have been in this relationship for that period if that was the case, after all you need to have some sort of chemistry.

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Originally Posted by xoxaprilwine

I don't agree with the last two posts at all. He has been with her for 2 years...it has nothing to do with her or her age. He wouldn't have been in this relationship for that period of time if that was the case, after all you need to have some sort of chemistry.

Really, and why would you think its normal or OK for a guy to wake up... Ignore his partner to go whack off once or twice and then ignore her needs? My wife would be down right indignant if I ever did that, and rightfully so. Disagreeing with what I said would infer that you did.

Now I have known women who actually WERE that bad... however I wasn't living with them or married to them so I simply left never to return.

Now nobody here was blaming her, neither me nor Choux... but a lot of women do think they can do no wrong... and those are conversely the worst ones in bed by no surprise.

With that said it is possible for a much older woman to entice a much younger guy. And have such an age difference that this does start to come into play. Not saying this is the case as I understood the differences are not that great. However we do not know if he is 18 or early thirties as that encompasses a great range his age MIGHT be.

When you get to 10+ years difference you start getting into generational issues... but less than that, particularly less than 5 is insignificant once you reach 30 years of age.

First of all if you note my previous post, I never indicated that his behavior is justifiable nor is it acceptable. Secondly I am disagreeing with the fact that you indicated it may be her age or how bluntly it was pointed out that “it's like having sex with your “mom””. In my opinion, I strongly disagree with that statement; I strongly believe that he has other personal issues. Thirdly, I have been through this and I know exactly how she feels about being neglected when it comes to the masturbation v. sex with partner.

I also didn't say that you where blaming her for anything, but you are suggesting age is a factor and I just simply disagree because they must have had chemistry to be together in the first place. But, I completely agree with you on the point of “women who perform badly in bed”, I think you may hit a relevant point! Tarose, have you tried spicing up your sex life? Maybe try on some new lingerie, spontaneous sex…wherever, positions, phones sex, massages, toys, food or would you be interested in joining him? Try that and if that doesn't work then have the chat but don't get too emotional about it even though it's hard not to.

Thanks Smoothy :)

Tough to race a car with an empty tank!

SO, in the short term the immediate fix is:
He's got to leave his hands off his merchandise and you all can play a bit if he holds up his end - so to speak :-) That will certainly help in the short term...

BUT...

This may be a symptom of another issue...

He may not be ready for the predictability and normalcy of your relationship.

May be time to evaluate the dynamic and your respective levels of independence.

How old is he??

Living together may be more than he can do right now...

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxaprilwine

First of all if you note my previous post, I never indicated that his behavior is justifiable nor is it acceptable. Secondly I am disagreeing with the fact that you indicated it may be her age or how bluntly it was pointed out that “it's like having sex with your “mom””. In my opinion, I strongly disagree with that statement; I strongly believe that he has other personal issues. Thirdly, I have been through this and I know exactly how she feels about being neglected when it comes to the masturbation v. sex with partner.

I also didn't say that you where blaming her for anything, but you are suggesting age is a factor and I just simply disagree because they must have had chemistry to be together in the first place. But, I completely agree with you on the point of “women who perform badly in bed”, I think you may hit a relevant point! Tarose, have you tried spicing up your sex life? Maybe try on some new lingerie, spontaneous sex…wherever, positions, phones sex, massages, toys, food or would you be interested in joining him? Try that and if that doesn't work then have the chat but don't get too emotional about it even though it's hard not to.

Thanks Smoothy :)

Age actually CAN be a factor but I didn't say so in the post you questioned.

Because we know her general age and we don't know his it is possible.

If he is around 20 then a 15 year age difference is a big issue. If he is closer to 30 then I agree its likely no issue at all. There are major maturity changes that take place in the early 20's. A 20 year old has far more in common with a 16 year old than they want to admit. And far less in common with a 30 year old than they would wish.

Age spread makes a bigger difference during that period. It would help if we knew his age as well.

I still think it's a round about of issues and age may be a contributing case as well but the questioner will have to answer to the age difference.

Hello its me responded to my questions " Is it me?" Thank you for the feed back, However the reason why I thought maybe my boyfriend had a conditions, is that he doesn't start being not erected, and go and start touching himself, and pop in porn movies, he says he doesn't masturbate because he really wants to but that if he doesn't he will have erections come in go all during the day; so to not have that embarrassment he, just will get off in the morning before he goes to work. But again that doesn't explain why in the world would he masturbate if I'm right next to him, or could it be because he's no longer in love with me, so therefore he doesn't have the desire to have sex with me? But I thought a normal man, whether he loves a women or not, would rather much feel a women, then his own hand? Anyway regarding are sex life, I was always very sexual, and not only did I spice things up, but I was the spice! But now that I think about it he never was really a sexual person, he always made me feel like, I was over sexually, when really I'm not. Oh yea, my boyfriend is 29, and Im 34 :)

Tarose,

Tell him not to whack it for a week so you all can have some fun. Porn is not bad... but in this case it seems to be taking the wind out of him :-).

I would tell him you have nothing asgainst it, and you can watch together sometimes and it will be hot, and you want to fantasize ands play...
But to save the mornings for the two of you this week for this so you can have some fun!

So, you can have some of his sweet ----- for yourself!

... if cannot do much of this, he's just not much of a champ in the bedroom...

OK, at 29 the age difference means nothing 99% of the time.

The guy has to learn that until YOUR needs are satified fully then spanking the monkey is noy aceptible. Most guys have not problem once a day with their lady. Twice or more might be pushing it for both time and energy. If he really cared he would do something about it. In a non-confrontational manner try asking him why he insists on spanking his monkey while he ignores giving you what you need. Perhaps he is so caught up in what he wants he isn't even thinking about it.