Ask Me Help Desk - How do I tell him?

How do I tell him?

I split with this guy back in November as he became a bit too over protective as I was 4 months pregnant. I still loved him but didn't want to become stressed out because of it. My daughter is now 3 months old & we get on really well & we spend a lot of time together but I don't know how to tell him I still love him & want to make another go of things. Any ideas?

Just be honest and staightforward

I've tried that once before but he changed the subject. I know he wants us to try again as his sister told me as he tells her everything. He finds it hard to express his feelings & keeps everything bottled up. I've tried to get him to open up but its so hard

Why should he open up? He tried once and that failed and he got hurt. I totally emphasis with him. Now that the child is here he's probably thinking you want him around to help with the baby and he's not sure if he should trust you. If you want this to work the only thing you are going to be able to do is be patient and let him come to the decision that you are ready by showing him. Telling him will not work, you will just have to over time continue to show that you intend on sticking around.

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XHannahxLouisex, I split with this guy back in November as he became a bit too over protective as I was 4 months pregnant.

I can understand it but why not talk to him and get him to back up a bit, a split is pretty drastic.

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I still loved him but didn't want to become stressed out because of it.

That's why you communicate??

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we get on really well & we spend a lot of time together but I don't know how to tell him I still love him & want to make another go of things. Any ideas?

So your still seeing him?? I don't understand what it is you want advice with?? Your already having another go of it, so take your time, and be nice and communicate, this time around.

Splitting up with him at the time was the best option as he tried controlling my life! I wasn't allowed to go anywhere or do anything unless I had his permission. Why on earth should I have put up with that? Communication isn't his strong point. He seems to think he is right about everything & doesn't know how to compromise. He thought controlling my life was the right thing to do but he didn't realise how much it upset me & how awful I felt.

I'm not seeing him as in being together I only see him when he comes to pick my daughter up & when he drops her off.

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Originally Posted by chuff

Why should he open up? He tried once and that failed and he got hurt. I totally emphsis with him. Now that the child is here he's probably thinking you want him around to help with the baby and he's not sure if he should trust you. If you want this to work the only thing you are going to be able to do is be patient and let him come to the decision that you are ready by showing him. Telling him will not work, you will just have to over time continue to show that you intend on sticking around.

He knows I don't need him to help out with my daughter except financially with child maintenance. I have to survive on my maternity money which isn't much each week. I've got more money going out than I have coming in & he knows that but he still doesn't help out which he should. Apart from that I cope fine on my own. He only shows up twice maybe 3 times a week & that's when he comes to see my daughter for 1-2 hours each time. I'm not the one who has to show I intend on sticking around, he is. The only reason he got hurt was because he was controlling my life. How would you like to be told what you can & can't do when you're pregnant & hormonal?

Just be honest and upfront with him. You can't have a relationship without communication honey, just doesn't work

I've tried that once before but I don't think he seems to understand the concept of explaining how he feels. I don't understand how he can say how he feels etc to his sister but not to me. In need for us to move on he needs to tell me or we'll always be in this dilemma. He always used to be able to tell me everything & its all of a sudden come to a halt.

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Originally Posted by xHannahxLouisex

Splitting up with him at the time was the best option as he tried controlling my life! I wasn't allowed to go anywhere or do anything unless I had his permission. Why on earth should I have put up with that?!

Assuming that's true... and after reading the rest of what you wrote I don't, but assuming that's true, why would he be any different this time.

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Originally Posted by xHannahxLouisex

Communication isn't his strong point.

Ummm okay. Communication isn't HIS strong point. You dumped him and he's supposed to suddenly open up to you. Makes perfect sense. Did you explain back then that he was being dumped because he couldn't communicate or because you were stressed out as you stated in the OP?

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Originally Posted by xHannahxLouisex

He seems to think he is right about everything & doesn't know how to compromise.

This is ironic, because as I read your posts I get the feeling the one who doesn't compromise is you. Everything is about you.

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Originally Posted by xHannahxLouisex

He thought controlling my life was the right thing to do but he didn't realise how much it upset me & how awful I felt.

You don't exactly explain how he controlled your life. Did you communicate this to him? In your OP you said he was protective. A guy being protective of his pregnant girlfriend sounds like a guy to be appreciated, not dumped. Some guys don't stick around once the girl gets pregnant, some protect.

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Originally Posted by xHannahxLouisex

I'm not seeing him as in being together I only see him when he comes to pick my daughter up & when he drops her off.

I'm confused here. Is this his daughter to, because you never seem to say OUR daughter. It's all about you.

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Originally Posted by xHannahxLouisex

He knows I don't need him to help out with my daughter except financially with child maintenance.

Again, is this his daughter? You sure do seem to be stuck on you. You think this might be a problem? You talk about he can't compromise and you can't bring yourself to say it's his child. You also state that you don't need him to help out with bringing up the child except for the money. WOW! That's quite the statement. But again, you expect me to believe this is all his fault. Sorry, I'm not falling for it.

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Originally Posted by xHannahxLouisex

I have to survive on my maternity money which isn't much each week. I've got more money going out than I have coming in & he knows that but he still doesn't help out which he should.

He sure should if he's the father.

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Originally Posted by xHannahxLouisex

Apart from that I cope fine on my own. He only shows up twice maybe 3 times a week & thats when he comes to see my daughter for 1-2 hours each time.

I am so confused at this point. Is this his daughter or not? It's never OUR daughter, it's your daughter. If he is the father have you told him he can see her more?

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Originally Posted by xHannahxLouisex

I'm not the one who has to show I intend on sticking around, he is.

You are completely wrong. He was "protecting" his pregnant girlfriend and got dumped for it. Now she openly says she doesn't need him, except for his wallet, but he's supposed to prove something to her. Get out of fairly land because in the world of reality YOU are the one that is completely backwards and mistaken here. He doesn't have to prove a thing to you.

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Originally Posted by xHannahxLouisex

The only reason he got hurt was because he was controlling my life. How would you like to be told what you can & can't do when you're pregnant & hormonal?!

I don't like being told to do it and I will never be pregnant. You know what else I wouldn't like? I sure wouldn't like being protective of my girlfriend and gettting dumped for it. Then after she has the child have her come back to me wanting me to suddenly be there for her emotionally and that I have to prove something to her, only to be told that I'm not really needed at all, unless I was to hand over some cash.

Yeah, that's compromise at it's finest.

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Originally Posted by xHannahxLouisex

I've tried that once before but I don't think he seems to understand the concept of explaining how he feels. I don't understand how he can say how he feels etc to his sister but not to me.

Really? Well his sister never screwed him over like you did. It's not that hard to understand.

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Originally Posted by xHannahxLouisex

In need for us to move on he needs to tell me or we'll always be in this dilemma.

Wow.

In order for us to move on HE needs to tell ME or we'll always be in this dilemma.

He's the who can not compromise? Do you really expect us to believe that. This entire post is all about you. Not about him, not about the baby, but about you. HE doesn't need to do anything. HE got dumped.

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Originally Posted by xHannahxLouisex

He always used to be able to tell me everything & its all of a sudden come to a halt.

There it is. The admission. He USED to be able to tell me these things. So after this story about you, and more of you, tossed in with a little bit of you it comes out, this man who you admit in the OP is a protective of his pregnant girlfriend and only good for his cash was once the good guy you are trying to make him not to be. What could possibly have changed that behavior. Who could have come along and screwed him over that would make him act like this. Who could say that she wants him around but doesn't want him at the same time. Who could flat out lie and say he can't compromise while making everything about her. I bet if we find that individual she could tell us.