Ask Me Help Desk - The Invisible Couple

I have been dating a man for 2 years and 4 months. In this time I have never met his child. The child does not live with him, but with the mother. I also have children and he has only met 1 and by mere accident. The child met the previous girlfriend and as it turns out the relationship did not last. The child was somewhat attached to the girlfriend and was hurt after the two adults broke up. He also said that the child still asks if the EX and her child can come to visit when the child is at dads house. And by the child asking dad this, he thinks that the child still wants theEX to be in their lives. Therefore, he insists that this is the reason that he has not introduced the child to me. He tells me that he does not want to put the child through that again. Nor does he want to have my children experience something like this. And get this, he has NEVER been to my home. We spend all of our time together out and about or in his home. How crazy is that. He contends that he loves me and wants our relationship to work. But I told him that until we are able to bring our children into the equation, we will not have a full and meaningful relationship. It is not fair to me, him nor the children. What should I do? I have brought up the subject several times and he tells me that he will do it... But it has not happened yet. :confused:

Well if it hasn't happened.. make it happen.you have been together for quite awhile and you love each other there should be no reason to block the children out because its important that a relationship is built with the children also. If he's saying that he's willing to finally meet the children make it happen yourself. Make plans to go to a movie or the park etc. and bring your kids to meet him and spend the day getting to know each other.

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Originally Posted by livingalie

I have been dating a man for 2 years and 4 months. In this time I have never met his child. The child does not live with him, but with the mother. I also have children and he has only met 1 and by mere accident. The child met the previous girlfriend and as it turns out the relationship did not last. The child was somewhat attached to the girlfriend and was hurt after the two adults broke up. He also said that the child still asks if the EX and her child can come to visit when the child is at dads house. And by the child asking dad this, he thinks that the child still wants theEX to be in their lives. Therefore, he insists that this is the reason that he has not introduced the child to me. He tells me that he does not want to put the child through that again. Nor does he want to have my children experience something like this. And get this, he has NEVER been to my home. We spend all of our time together out and about or in his home. How crazy is that. He contends that he loves me and wants our relationship to work. But I told him that until we are able to bring our children into the equation, we will not have a full and meaningful relationship. It is not fair to me, him nor the children. What should I do? I have brought up the subject several times and he tells me that he will do it...... But it has not happened yet. :confused:

You are right ins saying make it happen myself. And believe me, I want to. This man is very protective of his child, because the child's mother is also in a relationship with someone. She does not spend a lot of time with her child. The child is always with a relative while the mom and boyfriend hang out. So naturally, my guy feels the need to dedicate all of his time with the child when the child is with him. He over compensates because of the fact that the mother does not spend quality time with their child. I believe that the child is feeling left out of the mother's life and when the child is with dad, the child really does not want anyone else in the picture. This is the only time that the child feels loved. But I try to explain that you can incorporate the families and show them what a healthy relationship is. No one wants to take time from the children, we should want to do things together as a family unit. I appreciate your input. Thanks

Until he is sure this is more long term, he is right to protect his child in the fashion he deems necessary. His child comes first, so now that you know what your dealing with, its you who must make a decision if you can accept it, or not.

What a good test of whether you both can work together. Talk and listen.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Until he is sure this is more long term, he is right to protect his child in the fashion he deems neccesary. His child comes first, so now that you know what your dealing with, its you who must make a decision if you can accept it, or not.

What a good test of whether you both can work together. Talk and listen.

Yes, you are correct in saying that the child does come first. I have children too. If I am willing to allow my children to meet this man, I just don't understand why he is so apprehensive about his child meeting me. My children have gone through a much more traumatic experience. Their father and I divorced after 16 years. Now you tell me that a relationship of barely two years not working is more traumatic on a child than a 16 year marriage and the father living in the home and then he's gone.