Relationship meltdown after rape
I was in a very long term relationship, which as its main features had: constant rows, two people with entirely different value systems, periodic break-ups and make-up, mutual verbal abuse, no trust whatsoever (on my part), snooping (again on my part), continuous lying and hiding (by her), lack of respect (started from her, then I did the same too)…
The only thing we have in common is that we are both educated and very successful in our professional careers. That’s where it stops really. If her “private space” was the size of Jupiter, in comparison mine is the size of an egg, her friends, work and fun comes before her family, with me it’s the reverse. When she is talking about her day, for example, I get “edited” highlights, but I am happy to share everything. She is well and truly self-centered, but I genuinely put her before me (well, used to at least). What she lacks in her sense of responsibility, she more than makes up with her arrogance (standard issue medical profession God complex) .
I am quite old-fashioned and conservative. She has been the first and only girl in my life and the person I intended to marry. I have never ever been on a date with another woman, let alone sleep with one. I keep my head down and work hard. Don’t drink, don’t do drugs….. you know, your 1950’s family man. I know I do have high expectations, but I never ask for more than I put into something.
Let it suffice for me to say that she isn’t exactly the same. She has never had a fully fledged love affair, but she has had several “incidents” with other guys, including having a fairly long relationship with another person who she initially told me was only a friend, but three years I accidentally read her diary which revealed the disgusting extent of the relationship (that’s when the trust disappeared and my chronic snooping started). Then during another one of our thousands of break-ups, two days after our break up she told a different person that she had feelings for him etc etc… It reached a point where I ended the relationship two years ago. It took me almost a year to get back to a state that I could live normally. I was content with the idea of being alone for the rest of my life; I didn’t feel I either needed her or any other woman.
Just as I reached some notion of inner peace, she came back and started hounding me for another chance. I refused for many months but she was relentless and didn’t give up, saying how she loves me more than anything, how she has changed, etc.. … I agreed. On the condition that I would end the relationship instantly if she has anymore nonprofessional relationship with another guy again, regardless of how small or insignificant it appeared. She promised.
Fast forward to last month. We hit another rough patch, and are not speaking for a few days. I find out she is not OK and try to get in touch with her. I eventually get hold of her and she tells me that she has been raped by a colleague who she let in her flat. She said the rape did not take its full course because she started crying hysterically. She says this person was not her friend, there was nothing going on. To this date I still don’t exactly know why he ended up at her apartment. She said however that he had previously been trying to “hangout” with her and she has been telling him that she has a boyfriend and cannot do that (I didn’t know about any of this).
You can see the mess this has left me in. I have to deal with a situation which would have never happened if she had kept her promise. I say “I have to deal” but the fact is I really can’t deal with it. It is tearing me apart and I have gone through the worst few weeks of my life (and I have been through a lot). Under normal circumstances, no amount of intellect would have stopped me making dog meat out of this person by now and ending up in jail. But I am not satisfied that she is telling me everything (but do 100% believe her that a rape occurred). I feel she has let me and her down in the biggest possible way. To top it all, she refuses to report to police in fear of the damage it would do to her reputation. She is acting as if she has had an accident on her bicycle. She cares more about losing me, than what happened.
I am searching deep inside myself and wrestling with my conscious to find forgiveness, compassion and understanding, but I used the last drops to bring myself to give her the “last” chance and take her back. I can’t be there for her because the only thing I can think about is her betraying my trust yet again. I am very angry and even though I know I am being utterly selfish, I feel like for me to overlook yet another lie and mistake from her means letting go of every principle I ever believed in. But more than that I cannot believe that the person whom I have loved for over a decade years with all my heart, whom despite everything, I always believed had a good heart, would be cold-blooded enough to actually be prepared to let a rapist go on the loose, not because he threatened to kill her, not because she is alone and does not have support, but only because of the damage it might cause to her reputation. I am not even sure if I know her anymore.
I tried to be calm about it and be there for her initially. But I couldn’t maintain it for too long. I pressed her to report but she started becoming extremely defensive (and later offensive) and it reached a point where I told her that she either reports this in which case she would have my full support and backing, both mental and financial, or she will never hear from me again.
And she never did…... I am assuming she went for the reputation because she hasn’t tried to reach me since then.
I am now having to deal with multiple issues. The love of my life being raped. The end of a relationship which took more human effort to sustain than it took to build the pyramids in Egypt. Having my trust positively shaken yet again (I now basically don’t trust anyone). Feeling that I might have been to blame for this (If I had known about this guy in advance I am sure I could have stopped this happening. But she says she doesn’t tell me what’s going on in her life because I overreact. And I do overreact. But only because I always find out everything after it has happened).
But the overriding feeling above all that is of guilt. I am feeling guilty about having put her into a corner like this, at a time like this, and giving her such an ultimatum. I don’t really want to be back with her. I hate her with equal passion and intensity as I love her. But I deeply care for her and part me wonders about how hurt she must be and how she now needs me more than ever. But I know I don’t have it in my anymore to do that because I feel what happened was wholly avoidable and did not need to happen, had it not been for her stupid stubborn ways.
I have not spoken about this with anyone, but I couldn’t keep it inside anymore. Out of respect for opening my heart out here, please keep your opinions about her to yourself. I devoted all my love and youth to this woman and I don’t want to read rants about her.
I just want someone to tell me I have done the right thing.
