My wife and I have been chosen by a birthmother to adopt her baby girl. One huge obstacle--the birth father. The conception was out of wedlock and in her words, he has not had anything to do with the pregnancy. She states that he is a daily marijuana user and lives a 'hard life' and has always been in trouble with the law. She feels he may not give up his parental rights and "believe" he can be a father to this girl. Obviously, he will need to give up his parental rights for this adoption to proceed. How should we proceed with the birth father---Have the birth mother talk to him? Go the attorney route? Thanks in advance for any advice.

I would try both approaches, and I know it sounds bad, but compensate him for signing his rights away.

Well, as much as I would honestly be willing to for this little girl--it would fall into "black market" and make it illegal if discovered--plus, he would probably always have his hand out.

I would discuss this with a lawyer before doing it, obviously. But couples and singles parents wanting to give their children up for adoption can be compensated for this. I do not mean just slip him $100 and say "sign it". I didn't mean it that way. But if he knows that you are willing to pay for the papers, he would know that you can take good care of her, and therefore be more apt to sign.

Yeah I do believe ''compensation'' is illegal at least if not done totally legally

Even if done through the lawyer? From what I understood this was allowed.

I think if you get any money it would be already included in the adoption fee and taken out of that.

The ONLY money allowed to go to the birthparents in an adoption is for prenatal care and living expenses during the pregnancy.

At NO point can cash change hands---baby selling, even through a lawyer, is illegal. So is baby buying. ANY compensation received MUST be for expenses pertaining to keeping the baby healthy while in the womb--which means the mother needs to be safe and healthy as well.

I would go through the attorney for contacting the birthfather. Basically, the birthmother can NOT place the child for adoption without getting him to sign off on his parental rights, and she'd be an idiot to sign away hers before he signs his.

I'd also like to add that if this is an agency adoption, they have a few ways of pulling strings.

The most important thing to remember in an adoption, though, is that the baby will have an attorney ad litem--an attorney appointed JUST to further the child's best interests. If the AAL finds the birthfather to be unfit as compared to you, ESPECIALLY if the birthmother has already chosen you, there is a chance that the judge will rule that the birthfather's rights be terminated. Or, at least, 16 years ago that was the case. (That's when I placed my daughter for adoption).

However (if I understand this all correctly), that would mean the biodad has a chance to appeal that decision, delaying the adoption.

Perhaps the best bet is for the birthmom to let the biodad know that she will petition for full custody, supervised visitation, random drug screenings and a HUGE child support payment if he doesn't sign away his rights.

Again, I would talk to your lawyer about this to be sure of what the legalities are on it all. Every state's adoption laws vary, and some of my information may be outdated, as far as how much influence the AAL has in court.

Thank you to all of you---you have, together, given me a 'game plan'.
Great advice!

I saw a story on Dr. Phil where an unmarried couple conceived, the mother was no longer involved with the guy during the pregnancy and decided (w/o the father's consent) to have the baby adopted.

In their state there was a very obscure law which requires a potential father to establish paternity under certain guidelines (because he didn't live with the mother of the child, they weren't planning to marry etc.).
Since he had no idea about the "Putative Father Registry" he now has to fight for his paternal rights.

Now this seems to be a very chaotic route to take (b/c the mother used this law to get around having his consent for adoption) so I'm not suggesting this, I just think it's information everyone in the process should have.

He had no idea his child would be given away and although the mother believed he would be an unfit father and did nothing to show interest towards the baby during the pregnancy, He is now preceding through legal avenues to gain his full parental rights back.

IF this registry is relevant in your state, I hope this info helps and saves some potential legal battles.

I feel absolutely horrible for the adoptive parents in the situation you describe, Mimi.

However--I think it's a perfectly fitting "punishment" for the birthmother, who essentially made a decision without the birthfather, and will now have to live with something like what he would have had to--She willingly signed away her parental rights, so she has NO rights to the child. If he wins, he won't have to honor any of the agreements she had with the adoptive parents, so she'll essentially be cut out of her child's life.

And as a terrific bonus on this--parental rights and parental obligations are two different things, so she may be liable for child support.

TRULY not being able to locate or not knowing the birthfather is one thing. Essentially lying so that you don't have to get the birthfather's permission is something else entirely.