Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend's recent past life.

What's up? I appreciate this site, and the people who put their outlook on here. I've never done anything like this, but I feel I need some opinions from the world... I have been struggling with an ongoing problem in my fairly new relationship. I've been with my girlfriend for 2 months now... We have a true happiness together, she treats me like the world, and I treat her very good, about a month ago, she opened up her past to me, she had just moved into my state, so she's still new in my town. Since she told me her sexual past, and how recent it was, I've been struggling to overcome it and make our relationship work, she believes we have the deepest love for one another, I feel the same, but, being that her past activities were happening a short few weeks behind the day she met me, with all of her stories, I can't help but be bothered. She has told me her number of men she's been with was 47, and a few threesome things, two guys with her at once! I'ts killing me, and she seems so perfect other than all of it. She was into heavy drugs just before she met me so, I believe it played a part, she is ashamed of it and breaks down into tears when it comes up. I feel so bad for her, I know I should look ahead to the future and not that person behind me but, we're in so deep and so soon that, it feels like it was only yesterday she was into all of these intense battles with herself, and it pretty much was only yesterday, I've always been big into looking to the future and believing that people change, I sometimes feel ashamed that I let myself think about those other guys, she has many people who call her and I lose myself and ask" Is he one in the number of guys"? And she often says yes, only one girl has called me and she has a heart attack! I really want to overcome this and be happy all the time with her, because the only thing that makes us sad is her past, and I know it shouldn't. No one is perfect, people make mistakes and choices in life that they can often learn from, I just think too much that it's right behind me, like 5 feet, I trust her, I truly believe that we can make this work and not let her recent activities right behind us destroy us, the second time we ever hung out, we had sex, I was unsure at first and asked myself, what's wrong here? This girl is an extremely down to earth person that can open up to anyone, and that scares me a bit. Please give me any advice that you may have? Either I'm being stupid and should let it go, or I should be prepared for the recent past to make a comeback.

Nobody is perfect, and sadly, you're not Marco Polo. What I mean by that is that yes, she has a past. But it's just that... a PAST. Let it go. She is with you for a reason. I have a past similar to hers and I tell my fiancé that I had to do those things to become who I am. I'm not justifying it because I made some really dumb decisions, but, it's an experience that I've been through and now it's over.

Be proud of her and praise her for putting down the drugs, because it's insanely hard. Let her know how much you care about her and are there for her.

Good luck with you and your relationship :)

Your story is very much similar to one post here not too long ago. Two months is way too short to predict if should you or should you not hold on to her -but watch out and yes, be prepared for the recent past to comeback.

Personally, I wouldn't date a man you had committed a sexual crime, was in&out of the prison, been druggie, fathered 5 children- all first born and had a violent past. Present is the result of what is done yesterday and the present will predict the future.

People doesn't change overnight and you cannot guarantee that she will change just for the sake of your relationship.

Use your head... its still early..

Past is the past, what you judge it on is the current, is there any drugs, is there any cheating.

First, may I ask how old both of you are? Because if you're older... even though that many partners seems like a lot, it's not as bad as if you're both very young.

Second, I would be glad that at least she has the courage to talk to you about it, that means she has a lot of trust and respect for you. And since you seem like quite the understanding gentleman, take your time. Maybe make sure she is tested so that she is clean? You wouldn't want to get any of what those other people could have given her.

Lastly, like I said above, take your time. You're only 2 months into this relationship, and even though she's telling you all of these things, there could still be half-truths to them. You still barely know her, you still haven't seen the real side of her when she gets comfortable in the relationship. No need to rush this kind of thing.

If her past bothers you that much, then maybe she isn't the kind of person you want to be with for a long time. People make mistakes, but that's how we learn right from wrong. That's how we become the people that we are today.

Just my two cents.

Kevin

Everyone has a past and everyone deserves a fair shake.

Experience is just another word for mistakes.

I appreciate all the feedback, I do believe everyone deserves a fair shake and yes, I feel this is moving way too fast, and she doesn't seem to think so. I'm young, 22 and she's 23, but I am pretty realistic and I'm a reasonable person. It's just a little rough to get through all of that knowing it wasn't long ago at all, past is past, and I'm aware of that, I don't fully understand why I'm letting this get to me. I gave her all the credit in the world for being strong enough to put down the drugs, before we were in a full blown relationship, sometimes I kind of feel that since she just moved to my state, she met me as soon as she arrived and wanted to use me to redeem her past, she claims she moved to better herself from all that recent stuff she's done in her hometown but, instant relationship? I know it takes two but, she pushed hard for us, second night ever meeting her she wanted to have sex? I told her this might be out of hand, I gave in, I'm not praising myself but, I have respect for human beings, I'm not in it to win it with a girl, and she sees that. I thank you for all the comments, I will think this through...

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Originally Posted by Loose Ends

i know it takes two but, she pushed hard for us, second night ever meeting her she wanted to have sex?...

Whoohhh..... Take it slow dude. Distance yourself a bit for now. We aren't in a race.

Let's be honest. You are not in love. You are in lust and you are wrapped up in these new and exciting emotions and there's nothing wrong with it but it's not love. The fact that you went in so fast is what is going to make this relationship crash.

As Tal says " Too fast, too soon, crash and burn"

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Originally Posted by ylaira

as Tal says " Too fast, too soon, crash and burn"

That Tal is like some kind or relationship expert.

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I've been with my girlfriend for 2 months now... We have a true happiness together, she treats me like the world, and I treat her very good, about a month ago, she opened up her past to me,

That's a little fast, see as how your strangers, but I can understand chemistry and attractions among humans of the opposite sex.

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She believes we have the deepest love for one another, I feel the same, but, being that her past activities were happening a short few weeks behind the day she met me, with all of her stories, I can't help but be bothered. She has told me her number of men she's been with was 47,

She met you after doing the wild thang and then she started doing the wild thang with you.

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the second time we ever hung out, we had sex, I was unsure at first and asked myself, what's wrong here? This girl is an extremely down to earth person that can open up to anyone, and that scares me a bit.

No you didn't, you went along with the program, and it must have been pretty good, you are still there, but I believe it when you say she can open up to anybody, well she has already, duh!!

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Please give me any advice that you may have? Either I'm being stupid and should let it go, or i should be prepared for the recent past to make a comeback.

Relax buddy, this is not love, your just whupped by what she got, and can do with it!! You the man right now, but be aware her deep love for you is subject to changing any minute. I do mean any minute, when it does, go get yourself checked, and keep the memories dear as it doesn't happen that often when you get used, willingly, and love every minute.

You have taken the most powerful drug in the freaking world, and will need plenty of help coming down, so don't be that dumb as to invest your whole world into this, loss your self and go crazy, given what she has told you, and oh if she gives you her number after she is done with you, use it wisely, and with care.

I am not going to waste my time or yours telling you to run for the hills, because you won't, you probably can't, no more than the previous 47 could.

Watch your azz, fella, she is capable of changing fast, and if you can't keep up, (you can't, don't try) you get left in the dust with the rest of her past.

Don't hold out hope for something more than what you have, now that would be stupid!!!

2 months and in the deepest love? HIGHLY doubt that, its lust, the same thing that attracted the other 47(that she told you about) guys has caught you too. Enjoy the ride while it lasts because it will stop. Tal is completely right, get yourself checked as a safety precaution

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Thats a little fast, see as how your strangers, but I can understand chemistry and attractions among humans of the opposite sex.

She met you after doing the wild thang and then she started doing the wild thang with you.

No you didn't, you went along with the program, and it must have been pretty good, you are still there, but I believe it when you say she can open up to anybody, well she has already, duh!!!

Relax buddy, this is not love, your just whupped by what she got, and can do with it!!! You the man right now, but be aware her deep love for you is subject to changing any minute. I do mean any minute, when it does, go get yourself checked, and keep the memories dear as it doesn't happen that often when you get used, willingly, and love every minute.

You have taken the most powerful drug in the freaking world, and will need plenty of help coming down, so don't be that dumb as to invest your whole world into this, loss your self and go crazy, given what she has told you, and oh if she gives you her number after she is done with you, use it wisely, and with care.

I am not going to waste my time or yours telling you to run for the hills, because you wont, you probably can't, no more than the previous 47 could.

Watch your azz, fella, she is capable of changing fast, and if you can't keep up, (you can't, don't try) you get left in the dust with the rest of her past.

Don't hold out hope for something more than what you have, now that would be stupid!!!

You have no idea how much I appreciate this man, I know it just seems to good to be true with her considering we spend wayyyy too much time together, she wants me to move in with her?? I made the mistake of snooping like an idiot to find a reason in myself to become less obsessed believing in her, and that this is love, I read some of her messages on the internet around the time shee met me, they were sent, she was looking for someone or people to meet the day she moved to my area to hang out with ext.. She had met a few guys and I saw some to her friends about how she might have found someone who's gorgous yatta yatta about other dudes in the area, she met me in person first, told me I'm gorgous yatta yatta, basically I feel somewhat she was looking for someone to add to her number immediately.. I'm really trying to be realistic fellas, I've turned down the chance for many relationships before I met her, she's not exactly an beautiful girl, I'm not in it for her looks, we share many interests.. I saw too many messages in her thing about guys she was trying to hook up with but, moved so fast and couldn't be near anyone she new anyone, I tried to believe the more and more days and nights we spent together that she is truly in deep for me, I feel those messages although I shouldn't have read them and its not my style but were all human, made me feel a little uneasy about her intentions, should I confront her about what I've done? I mean she flips if one girl calls me, she gets many calls from dudes and I don't flip, she deleted all the dudes from her phone, I told her that was dumb, she tries so hard to convince me she's only for me, I've spoken to her deeply about how she's an extremely outgoing person and she can make anyone feel like they got a shot in the sac, she begs to differ, I'm happy 90% of the time but, this still shakes me, I'm still a little unsure on how to move forward with this...

Keep your heart, and health, in a safe place, and enjoy the fun of getting to know her, but go into it with caution and eyes wide open. There is nothing, and no reason, not to have a great time just don't be stupid and let her take over YOUR life. That leads to problems.

I take a second look at those who want to hook up, or be in love, and move in, with someone after only two months though, as no way do you know enough about them. You are responsible for your own health and safety, so don't let anyone for any reason talk you into something that may hurt you in the long run.

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I mean she flips if one girl calls me, she gets many calls from dudes and I don't flip

RED FLAG!!!! Thats what I mean about letting her take over your whole world, as isolating you and keeping you close 24/7, is the first step in cutting you off from friends and activities you would normally do and enjoy. Take this as fair warning.

Know when to back off if something isn't right, or you see things that make you go HMMM!! Don't let good sex interfere with good common sense!

See, I've heard all of the same things she says from a few others before, I thought I was smarter and stronger than what I'm letting happen. I'm truly not in it for the sex and not to sound like a jackoff but, she's not the best in the sac. I have chances with other girls who are excellent and not beat but, I'm not with her for the sex. I'm confused by this new life, I still make much time for my friends, I won't let this kill that, she knows that, you're really helping me less stress this, and I thank you for that... the girl brings way more to the table than I thought was ever possible, I wish I could just enjoy the ride and not fear a letdown and let it tear me up when it happens, I've tried to throw it out there that we should try friends a few times, even got upset and tried to leave her a few times, and she cried her eyes out, took a walk and wouldn't let me, she claims she'd die, I can't understand all this, what's exactly going through her mind? I feel like I love her and then, I tell myself not to believe in all that, I've tried all of the above before I posted this. I get nervous when I see her ex flings message her in the open asking to chill and see what's up with her, and she responds with "i miss you, can't wait to chill again, come visit" and doesn't mention me, although I've seen many things she wrote to her friends about how she's in love, I'm perfect, dream come true, I often feel intimidated by her number and she claims I'm the best in bed, I told her I don't care and I don't believe her, she's told her friends in messages I've seen that I am the best too, which she thinks I haven't seen, its rough and I don't know why I'm doing this... im going to try to slow this down, is there a way to step the caring level down a notch?

You maybe can't help your feelings just don't make decisions based on just that though. Common sense has to play in the process also you know.

Slowing down and paying attention is what I tell everyone.

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I've tried to throw it out there that we should try friends a few times, even got upset and tried to leave her a few times, and she cried her eyes out,

Don't let the tears stop you from doing what you have to.

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Originally Posted by Loose Ends

See, i've heard all of the same things she says from a few others before, i thought i was smarter and stronger than what im letting happen.

You are. You wouldn't be here posting and getting feedback if you weren't. I made similar mistakes for years and most of the time I had those same thoughts that I was smarter and stronger then what I was letting happen. The truth was I was the entire time, but I continued to let it happen even though I knew it was wrong. This is where Tal is so dead on that it may take you a couple of attempts to get this but just be aware of it. Being aware it and thinking it through can help you get past this. As Tal said, if she's crowding in on you she's attempting to take over you life and how you lead it. That is not her job. She can be part of your life, but not your whole life, and she certainly does not define it. Now you can let her and that is YOUR choice. If you let her she will. If you don't she will either keep testing you or she will leave. Do not let the fear of someone leaving become how you define this. Your life is yours to do what you want. She's (or any other woman for that matter) is there to add to your life and make you happy. If she can't or she is so selfish that you are letting her define you and your life then she's got to go. Trust me from many times making this mistake, you are better off losing a girl after 2 months then after years and realizing later you allowed her to manipulate you out of "love." What you have isn't love, but love is at the top of the mountain. The mountain is built on trust, loyalty, honesty, common ground, understanding, and respect. With all due respect there doesn't seem to be any of those coming in your direction from her, while you seem to be giving those back. That's a one sided relationship. If the relationship doesn't benefit you then what's the point? Making her happy at your expense? That's not fair to you.

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Originally Posted by Loose Ends

the girl brings way more to the table than i thought was ever possible, i wish i could just enjoy the ride and not fear a letdown and let it tear me up when it happens, i've tried to throw it out there that we should try friends a few times, even got upset and tried to leave her a few times,

Do you see what's happening here? Women read this stuff better then men so it's hard to notice it but when you threaten to leave and then don't follow through she knows she got you. A woman defines a man not so much by his words but by his actions. Without following through on this or holding her to some standard when you return nothing is ever going to change. It's one thing to have a fight and say your leaving and then after cool heads come back. But it's another to keep getting upset over the same things, making the same threats, and then do nothing about it.

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Originally Posted by Loose Ends

and she cried her eyes out,

Big deal, women can cry at a moment's notice. I used to let this nonsense guide me as well. It wasn't until I got older I realized how many times I caved to a woman over tears. I was told time and again you never make a woman cry, and I'm not saying you should, but at the same time, you never stop making your point because she starts. Women can cry and get a response for it and they use it to there adavantage. Her tears do not equal your happiness. What I mean by that is you can not give up a piece of yourself to make her happy. That's a one sided relationship. I think I said that before. Yes... Yes I did... there it up above.

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Originally Posted by Loose Ends

took a walk and wouldnt let me,

Huh? You break up with her and she says you can't? Bro, this no longer a test, but she is down right challenging your manhood. If you tell you your breaking up and she says no I'm staying and then you say, "Okay, I guess that's fine by me" who do you think is in control of this relationship? Do you honestly think she respects a man that acts like that?

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Originally Posted by Loose Ends

she claims she'd die,

AFTER TWO (2) MONTHS!!

Come the hell on! Are you seriously believing any of this?

Please get your head out of your own a$$. She is using you so badly and she is defining this relationship and she is defining you as a person. This isn't love, this is emotional slavery and you are not the master.

Your problem is not stupidity from a logical standpoint, it's emotional stupidity. You don't see how badly she's got you emotionally wrapped around her finger. Which is fine, you can get away from that, I just want you to learn from it and not spend years making this same mistake.

I honestly can't believe AFTER TWO MONTHS she's already played the "I'm going to die" card with you and you are taking this as a serious threat. That's a lame a$$ line by a lame a$$ girl playing her game of control to her emotional slave who takes it to heart.

Furthermore, is that really your problem? What if she was going to die, while I'm not suggesting you be rude to her about this, doesn't that speak volumes about HER emotional problems. Why are you so set AFTER TWO MONTHS of taking on her emotional issues, that do not impact your happiness. Remember it's your happiness that your after, if she can't add to that, then why is she there?

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Originally Posted by Loose Ends

i can't understand all this, whats exactly going through her mind?

Luckily, I speak woman. Actually I'm not sure if that's lucky or not.

Anyway, what is going through her mind is she has a host of emotional problems. Add to that woman see men as a challenge and judge men through emotional strength. She is probably interested in and actively looking for other men who will challenge her but also likes to have somebody around that makes her feel good. Somebody that gives her something to do and to test her games on. That person is you. Some men stand up for themselves and some men get away from drama. You don't so she can play the game with you. She can tell you that she will die and keep you in line. She can tell you that you CAN NOT break up with HER. She can control everything about you and you put up a small resistance and then you let it die and give her all your power.

Woman want and like men that are in control of themselves and show power through actions. Women know that a man who can and do act this way on a consistent basis are worthy of being around and being with. You are doing neither and letting her not only control you, but define you.

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Originally Posted by Loose Ends

i feel like i love her and then, i tell myself not to believe in all that,

Your not in love after 2 months. You are in love with the idea of being in love. She just happened to come along at the right time in your life when you were looking for someone and she saw that (remember women read emotions) and she capitalized. You are a good guy so you don't want to disapoint her and you want her to see that you are different then all those other guys that used her for sex and you think she should notice but she doesn't. The more you think you give the more you think she would notice. Trust me, I've been there. I know how this whole pattern of thinking works and I've done it more then once and guess what happened every time. I got tossed for someone else and was left feeling stupid, angry, and bitter.

Now, you can go through that or you can grow a pair now instead of waiting for years. This woman is clearly using you. She is clearly defining you. She is clearly in control. She clearly does not respect you. Those are all her problems. She's an emotional wreck who can't think straight.

Your problem is that you are allowing it to happen. At the end of the day your happiness is YOUR resposiblity. If she's not adding to it... and in this case she's taking it from you, then it's time to step back and reevaluate this.

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Originally Posted by Loose Ends

i've tried all of the above before i posted this. I get nervous when i see her ex flings message her in the open asking to chill and see whats up with her, and she responds with "i miss you, can't wait to chill again, come visit"

That's telling. Telling me she'd cheat in a second. You know why? Because her ex doesn't put up with this BS like you do.

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Originally Posted by Loose Ends

and doesn't mention me,

Why would she? She's planning on cheating on you, not asking for your permission.

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Originally Posted by Loose Ends

although i've seen many things she wrote to her friends about how shes in love, im perfect, dream come true,

I can't imagine a woman as honest as yours lying to her friends.

Women tell there friends a lot of things that are not true. Sometimes they tell there friends things so those friends tell the boyfriend so he questions himself. Do you know anybody that can relate?

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Originally Posted by Loose Ends

i often feel intimidated by her number and she claims im the best in bed, i told her i dont care and i dont believe her, shes told her friends in messages i've seen that i am the best too, which she thinks i havent seen, its rough and i dont know why im doing this...im going to try to slow this down, is there a way to step the caring level down a notch?

Man, you need a break from her. After 2 months to already need a break is a telling sign. But let me ask you this, should a happy relationship be filled will all these doubts?

Her past is very uncomfortable for you as I can see. 47 men is A LOT of guys... Yeh~ I think you should leave the girl and find a suitable girl. Yes, the image of a true happy relationship is NOW, but will it last in the future? Personally, I wouldn't want to date a girl with a dirty past cause I would feel uneasy about it; yes, the relationship is going on but the sexual activities need multiple considerations.

Looks like she just wanted to have sex... seems like the type of girl who didn't control herself =/

I think you need to step back and really look at the situation. You've only known each other for 2 months and already you are having these problems. Her past isn't going to go away and the longer you are together the more you are going to learn. Are you ready to handle that? I do believe that two people can fall in love quickly but that seems a little short. I think your in lust not love. Slow things down, really get to know her and then make your decision.