I feel as though I'm not loved but yet in the back of my mind I know I am. It's hard because yes I have a home with my family but I never feel like its my home and I always find myself trying to get out of the house because I feel so uncomfortable when I'm at home. And I don't really want to be loved by my family because I'm so afraid that once I get attached to them they will be snatched away from me. That is what has always happened to me since I can remember. I'm just afraiid to get hurt again. But it's weird because I'm not really afraid of it I'm just nervous. I'm so nervous that when I talk about my family I get shakey and I can't help but want to cry. My dad just walked out of my life because I told about him molesting me for almost 10 years. I just have no idea as to how to explain how I feel and then what urkes me the most is that when I do find the words as to explaining my feelings my mom tells me that she knows how I feel then explains to me what she feels and it is NOTHING like what I'm feeling. I could probably write a book as to how many things I feel about 1 thing. I just am so confused lately. That and I slip into depression a lot I just can't help but wonder why all of this is happening to me if there is a god that loves us all. And the funny thing is. That my mom tells me that she is scared because she thinks that I am mentally stronger than her. And it is starting to scare me because everyday I feel stronger mentaly and I'm scred that one of these day my mind will get to strong and I will blow and possibly kill someone. And I can't do that because I don't want to hurt ANYONE around me. I also had what I called a stone heart before I moved down here to Indiana. Because I wouldn't let anyone get away with hurting the 2 people I cared about. And I wouldn't care if they talked crap about me or hurt me. I would go through so much mental torcuher just to save the 2 people I loved dearly from the mental pain. Why am I completely different now?? I just don't know I want to make my heart stone again so I won't care about anybody but the 2 people that I love.

First, there is a difference between being mentally strong vs exploding
If you are really mentally strong then you are capable of directing your emotions positively and constructively... you may not have direction on what way to go but do know the general direction to focus.
Second, you feel detached because you are afraid of getting hurt but realize you can't have or know the good without having the bad. The hard times strengthen you.
You can not fully appreciate joy without knowing sorrow
I can understand your feelings for your father. He broke the father/daughter bond!
But to hold back from others is denying yourself some potentially good relationships with others. Yes, we all lose loved ones in our life whether they die or we move on but the thing is that we grow stronger and our life is richer by each life experience. We have the memories that carry on.
Don't cheat yourself from life by allowing your hurts to cloud your judgment.

YouTube - The Beatles - In My Life

I know how to do it I just can't because it doesn't do anything but bring more pain in my life. And I have been through too much pain and righ tnow I am trying to build my strength back up so I canmove on but no matter what I do I just can't

I know I have been there, done that with all the hurt and the complex paradox of emotions.
All you can do is take one day at a time and react to things within that day. Have a long term goal of where you want your life to go and take each minute toward that goal.

Try writing a journal on your feelings, your life, how things have effected you, what you would like to see happen in your life and anything that inspires you.

You have been through a lot in your life... I mean being molested by your father is going to break you down eventually. I think you are feeling weakened because you can no longer sweep your fear and anger under the carpet. Turning your heart back into stone doesn't seem like an option any longer... it never lasts anyhow. Eventually all the fear will creep into your life and make everything seem ugly and fake. It's time to deal w/ your life. It's time to consider talking to someone professional to help you be able to have the tools to know how to be happy in this life. You only go around one time in this world. Why can't it be a good time? You have the capability to change your life... you just have to chose it. Go find a professional and take the plunge! You're worth it... don't those two people you love so much deserve a solid and happy you? I know that if you're asking for help, it's because you need it. Go to someone who is equipped deal w/ your whole story. You will thank yourself later that you did. Xoxooxox

It's weird because the people I love do see a happy and strong me when I'm with them. But if I'm not around them I feel completely weak. I have always tried my hardest to be strong for them and I always was but now that I'm away from them I feel like I can't be strong for myself. And yes I NEED peoples help but I don't want it. I'm one for those people who wants to do it on my own. I just feel like I can't anymore. But I'm not going to give up. I'm going to stick it out. And I have a goal for my life it is to become a dance instructer.

You need professional help sweetie, you really can't do it on your own and nobody expects you to. I don't know how old you are but what you have been through and are to this day are complex issues that you need help to deal with, to try and work through these issues on your own work won't quickly and effectively. You have been disappointed severely by people who should have protected you, it is not your fault you are not to blame in any way, yesterday is yesterday you can't change what happened yesterday but you can change tomorrow and your future, go forward and achieve your goals in life you have greatness in you, I know you will be brilliant at whatever you do. Remember there are 3 types of people in the world 1. People that make things happen 2. People that watch things happen and 3. People that wondered what happened. Love you xxoo

It's amazing how similar our stories are. Thankfully I wasn't molested by anyone and I'm sorry that you had go through that. But I totally get what you mean when you say that even though you have a family, you feel like running away from home. I have a nice family too but I think that I've put up the "strong person" façade so long for them that they automatically think I can take care of myself and don't need any help. I wish I could tell them how I really feel. I literally have thought about suicide but when I do God puts their faces in my head. It's like He's saying "think about what would happen to them if you died." We're not the only ones suffering and knowing that makes me a little less sad. Life is hard so don't be hard on yourself. I've learned to take it one day at a time even though the pain is piercing sometimes. I'm hoping things will change. Let's pray for each other.

I'm very sorry for what you've been through and for what you are currently going through. No one deserves this and you are just as worthy of proper treatment, kindness, and love as anyone else.

Being mentally strong does not mean hurting others. Mental strength is the ability to respond in a constructive, positive manner to anything in life, to have the strength to recognize what is or has happened to them and to do things that won't harm themselves or others. When you talk about hurting others, that is taking out your pain on others. So that is not mental strength but rather a breakdown.

You weren't "abandoned" by your father. To be abandoned by a parent means that they would actually have had been a parent to begin with. But he was never a good father and I think it's best that he is out of your life. You did nothing wrong when you came forward about his abuse. You were doing the right thing and that takes a lot of courage and strength.

It seems like your mother needs to stop focusing on herself and start listening to you - really listen. Have you told her that you feel alone and need her to listen. If she interrupts again, just tell her that that is *not* how you feel.

It may be very beneficial for you to speak to a therapist. It might help you start your path to healing to be heard and have someone help you work through everything you're feeling, thinking, and felt.

When we go through such abuse, sometimes people start shutting off their feelings or compassion and sometimes even turn their pain outward and inflict it upon others. Please do not do this. You are a very caring, loving person as is clear about your desire to protect those you love. Don't be afraid to love again or to open up. Throughout our lives, we will feel hurt and betrayed at times but we will also be loved, respected, and heard. Life has its ups and downs, especially when it comes to relationships. So please don't allow the abuse you faced in the past hold you back from healthy relationships in the present and future.

I wish you all the best. Peace and love~

When you go through the death of a loved one, or when you go through the loss of a serious relationship, there is a natural healing period, that lets you accept what has happened, and to eventually move on.

When you go through 10 years of abuse growing up, there are many complicated issues that have a very real, and long lasting effect; there is nothing 'natural' about losing 10 years of your life. You just don't get over it. Learn to live with it, perhaps, but you can clearly see by your own words, how this has affected your day to day living.

When you are in a sort of survival mode, nothing really makes sense. How to figure out why you do the things you do, or feel the way you do. As victim of such crimes, leaves you silent, until the truth comes out. But that is only the beginning of taking a path to heal.

I urge you to seek counselling with someone skilled in providing the help you need to work and understand why things are the way they are, and how you need to go about finding peace in your life.

To avoid this necessary step, will leave you in the same place you are now, without answers and understanding so you can move past it, and live a healthier life, and have healthier relationships.

It is hard work, but you will eventually be in a far better place than you are now.