Okay, I've got another small but very major problem... My girl and I were experiencing some problems just a little over a month ago. Things got WAY better, but things kind of took a turn for the worse recently. It got so bad I had to take a leave of absence and go back to Oklahoma for a week.

Moving on, some things happened and words were said that can't be taken back. This seems to be as a result of my insecurities. On the Jul 19, she went and hung out with some of her friends while I was working. I got off and went where she was to hang out (all per her suggestion). She is really good friends with her ex... he's married and has a baby with his wife and another child from a previous relationship. Anyway, they left in the same vehicle to go look for her brother and I went in my car looking for him also. I didn't find him after an hour so I went home. She said that they would be there shortly and never showed up.

Now, this is where my insecurities kick in. I talked to her and then her brother called letting me know he was okay. I then hung up with him and tried to call her back. Her phone went to voice mail immediately. This seemed quite odd because looking for her brother was such a priority. She finally came home at around 430 AM and told me that her phone had died.

To shorten this, some things happened on Tuesday and I was asked to leave. I took a leave of absence and went to Oklahoma. I came back to Texas on Sunday evening and we're working through things. The only thing that I don't seem to understand is that she says that she needs her space because she doesn't know what she wants to do; but she doesn't want me to move out. How the H does she expect me to give her space, but not move out?

Just be curtious, and try to avoid her.

But be sweet, make her dinner.. But don't make it too much of a fuss.

Sounds like she wants her cake and eat it to.She doesn't want you to move out because then she would have to financially fend for herself.It's nice that you have been working on this together but being apart may help you both see things in a different light and have time to think things through more clearly.Unfortunately now days more people get married and live together before they know each other and think nothing of getting a divorce if it doesn't work out.My husband and I wrote to each other for over a year before we even met in person so we were in love with each other before the marriage took place and then the physical part fell into place like a charm.And we have been happily married for 40 years now.If you have insecure feelings now it will not change you need to deal with those issues.

I would start looking for a new place bro, this girl sounds a little unsettling to say the least. You deserve better than what she is letting onto. Space but not to move out? How does that work

Move out. Move on... but even if you don't move on... still move out.

Quote:

---

How the H does she expect me to give her space, but not move out?

---

Sooner or later you will stop letting her dictate the terms of this relationship, and start making your own rules of what you will stand for. Moving out, and disappearing from her life, is a reasonable answer to your question. Its called standing up for yourself, and not rewarding bad, and unreasonable treatment.

This is not a good example of working together to solve your problems.

Yeah, I see that. The problem is that every time I go to leave she asks me not to. I know it's not financial because she makes enough money to take care of herself.

I was talking to her tonight and when I said that I have a place set up and I'm ready to move, she started acting like I had done something wrong. She told me Wednesday morning that she didn't feel any attraction between us. Then in the evening she started acting different.

Neither of us have been able to take a vacation or get away in quite a while. She is suggesting that we do that so we can have some time to ourselves. Our jobs are really stressful and they recently changed the shift hours with my department, so I now work 8 hour shifts which makes it hard for us to spend any time together.

She is changing jobs, so the stress level is going to go down, and I'm thinking of doing the same because I'm not making as much as I would like. Maybe the change of pace will help out. Maybe I am just being narrow minded and optimistic about all of this, I don't know. All I know is that my last marriage failed because I didn't fight to keep her. Me and my ex-wife talk every now and then and sometimes we talk about how we should have done things different. I kind of see this as a way to do things the right way this time.

The right way of doing things is to honestly express your fears, and concerns and she as well. Then you WORK together to reach a solution. Its all about making the adjustments for each other, not just one changing for another.

You have been vague as to the roots of your arguments, so anger may be behind things said that are hurtful, and apologies take time to be effective, and you would do well to let the dust settle, in an effort to communicate reasonably calm.

Is talking to your ex a problem? Just asking, and be aware that the counsel of an ex, is very stressful to a partner, and plays to some insecure feelings. You have already admitted to insecurities yourself.

Yeah, the things that were said and done were out of anger. We had both just let things go too long without discussing them. We're trying to get back on track, but at this point we both have a lot of work ahead of us.

The ex is a problem because she told me recently that she couldn't just be friends with him anymore. This is what made me feel the way that I do. He has cheated on his wife in the past and yeah; I'm letting my insecurities get the best of me with this one.

She also doesn't like me talking to my ex... so yeah, it is a problem for both of us...

While I was gone, she said that she has to choose between her best friend, or the person she has been with for 5 years. So yeah, I am definitely a little insecure about it... especially when she has to think about who she would choose.

We are still a little distant right now, but I feel this will change once we get through the past. I let her know that I wasn't going to stay in the past and fight about things that I couldn't change. She agrees, but says that she's afraid of what is going to happen.

She also told me that part of the problem is that she misses the excitement, the "new" that we had for a long time. I'm still trying to figure this one out. At times we'll be really close, and then the next minute we're trying everything we can to push the other one away... so yeah, it's roller coaster and I'm on it for as long as I have to be.

She told me tonight that she misses the confident, cocky guy I used to be... the kind of guy that wouldn't take anything from anyone. I'm trying to find it, but it's hard right now.
She likes the fact that since I have been back I am taking charge of things more. I'm NOT letting her run over me in any way. Yeah, sometimes we have disagreements about this, but she made it clear that she wants me to take charge of everything.

One of the problems I have right now is that she says that she's not physically attracted to me at the moment. It obviously sucks because as we all know, when your sex life is good, it only makes up about 2% of the problems and when it's not, it makes up about 98% of the problems... I am sure we will get through this too, but it's still irritating.

Quote:

---

She also told me that part of the problem is that she misses the excitement, the "new" that we had for a long time. I'm still trying to figure this one out

---

I have seen fear of losing a partner, and insecurities, turn men into girlfriends. Don't be her g/f.

I see what you mean... right now I'm just trying as hard as I can to make things right. If I am too clingy or too needy, that makes it bad for me. I've been distancing myself from her when I can... for example, earlier in the day I stayed out for about 3 or 4 hours. No text messaging her or calling her at all. I needed that time for myself anyway.

When I did come back, things were pleasant. I didn't set with her on the sofa, I just sat in my recliner. I'm generally a pretty quiet person, but recently I've been talking about all kinds of stuff trying to get things back to the way they were. I am guessing that this made me appear clingy and needy. So anyway, today I didn't say much to her and it seemed to help a lot.

I bet it was more peaceful, and relaxing. Picking when and how to have an honest dialog, and knowing when to back up, is a skill to be developed. I have said it a million times, communication, is essential in any relationship.

You will find that females are not the weaker sex, and we fellows get overpowered, and confused, by their social skills. Pay attention, and be a very good listener.

Above all set the pace, as its important that she knows how you feel. Don't just go for something without thought, if it doesn't smell right, question it, or throw it away. Always stand up for yourself, and contrary to popular belief, this can be done in a very respectful way.

Forget the nice guy, but work to be a good one.

Yeah, things went a lot smoother. I am leaving my job for a less stressful position with a good company. I think that this is what has caused a lot of our problems. She can't deal with the danger I am again putting myself in every day.

I am learning to be a good listener and take her feelings into consideration a little more. I am definitely being more decisive about things and she's enjoying that. I made her go dancing with me last night, for the first time in the 5 years we've been together might I add, and she loved it.

She's still adjusting to me taking the reigns more and more... it's hard because I was always busy doing something before and didn't have the time to take charge, so I ended up leaving it all up to her. We have argued about it, but she understands my position and I understand hers. I quit being the nice guy as you suggested and I think it makes all the difference in the world now.